In this second article (the first article looks at steps to take before the end of term) about managing transitions, Emma Spillane, provides some useful tips and advice about how to support our children as they move towards the start of the new school year. Emma is a qualified teacher, adoptive parent and attachment & trauma trainer who works with schools to support them on their journey towards becoming trauma-sensitive. More information about how she works with schools and the training and consultancy she offers can be found on her website.

Managing school transitions

We’re heading towards the return to school for settings in England and Wales, and our children may be showing us in a variety of ways that they are unsettled by this.

For children/young people who’ve experienced trauma, this time of year (approaching the start of a new academic year) can be especially hard – those feelings associated with significant change and of separation from caregivers can resurface and can lead to heightened anxiety. For them (and for so many others, possibly never more so than now, noting the impact of Covid on mental health), the right support with this transition is critical to support them with feeling safe, whether that be with going up a school year or transitioning from nursery to primary, primary to secondary, from secondary school to college, or college to university.

Here are just a few considerations you may find useful to support your child/young person with transitioning (back) to school.

While some of these support strategies are more appropriate for young children, many can be adapted for older children/teenagers, and keep in mind that regression to a younger social/emotional age is likely for children/teenagers who’ve experienced trauma so you may find yourself revisiting things that have worked well in the past. None of this is rocket science, but it is concerned with going back to basics, upping presence, curiosity, and nurture…

Open up a dialogue around your child’s worries (at the right time for your child)

Create the space for your child to share their worries in their own way, acknowledge them and empathise with them – for younger children, this is likely to be through play or role-play. ‘Up’ the level of opportunities for connection (maybe play some specific games like these from Beacon Family Services). Take small opportunities to check in from time to time without overwhelming, just by simply being curious with them. Label emotions and what they feel in their bodies (and if they need help, give them a commentary and try wondering with them ‘I wonder if you are feeling… because….’). For older children, you’ll likely have a better idea of how they express themselves, but it’s important to create and hold the right space to allow them to do this as and when the time is right for them.

Take opportunities to talk about school/college/university if the situation naturally allows

You might be passing in the car or on foot on the way somewhere else – casually mentioning about the school being all quiet in the holidays or something just shows you acknowledge it’s there and helps with familiarity/normalising it.

Practice the route to the setting (school run, bus to college etc.)

This might only be something you need to do once beforehand, but it’s all part of helping with familiarisation – knowing what to expect, having walked the path before – allows them to ask questions along the way too.

Ease back into a routine with bedtimes and mornings where possible

Many families may have eased into a different summer holiday routine, which may have involved later bedtimes and looser routines generally. It is well worth trying to gradually move back towards the same routines your child/teen had before the break – it brings with it a sense of familiarity and a sense of things shifting back to some form of prior normal – and will of course mean they’re likely more able to get up in the morning less tired and able to get ready for school on time when they do go back.

Use visuals or map out routines for term time (establish school day routine from waking up to going to bed)

I use Canva to create visuals for my children (one is at primary and the other, at secondary) which gives them the level of information they each need to support them with getting ready in the morning and to know what to expect when they get home from school.

Their specific support needs include needing to know what comes next wherever possible, and that their days won’t look too dissimilar from the previous school year in terms of before and after school at the very least – let’s just say I’ve learned never to assume they will just know what stays the same and what will change each time they move up a year.

Assume it’s ‘back to basics’ with separation anxiety and use transition items

The end of the summer break constitutes another big change in the year and children (children with a young social-emotional age especially) will likely experience wobbles around separation again. It might pay to expect regression, and if the transition to school goes more smoothly than anticipated then that’s a bonus for everyone. Think about transition items/activities that might work in current circumstances to support your child with feeling safe and to support the idea of holding one another in mind.

Here are some ideas

• Photo keyrings (with family pictures) for bags or lunchboxes (something that can be attached to items they are allowed to take in).
• For younger children send them to school with a favourite teddy bear. Older children might have a special item of their own they can carry with them discretely, or something small of yours.
• Pop a little picture/heart/hello/message in their lunchbox each day, or text your teen at a specific point during the day.
• Spray your perfume or aftershave on their collar.
• Sew a button with your initials or similar (use nail polish?) inside their sleeve (also acts as something to fiddle with if anxious).
• Do a Hug button heart drawing on a hand or arm with a pen (but be mindful may get washed off quickly with extra hand washing procedures!).
• Look at sharing the story The Invisible String* (I’ve recorded myself reading it if you’d like to listen to it together). (most suitable for nursery and primary-aged children)

It is also important to reflect here that your child may be worried that they can’t keep you safe, just as much as they may be worried that you are not there to keep them safe.

For those children who contain at school (hold in their anxiety), expending lots of effort fitting in only to fall out in the evenings at home, do ensure you tell the school (identify the right member of staff to discuss your concerns with – that is likely to be the class teacher, SENCO, Designated Teacher for Looked After Children/Previously Looked After Children, or another pastoral or SEN lead). A truly trauma-informed setting will be curious about this situation, will be keen to try to understand what might be going on for your child and will welcome working with you to find ways to help your child feel safe at school.

Find your inner (or outward!) calm

You may be feeling anxious about the start of the new school year and all it brings for your family. It’s a time to try to put this to one side as best you can, to give your child/young person a sense of calm and reassurance. Being aware of how we might be coming across is half the battle, so it’s a time for increased mindfulness – acknowledging our feelings, being aware of how we are presenting and doing our best to manage our states. Focusing on the breath, or doing some short guided meditations can help with grounding. Ensure you find some time for self-care, even if just for a few minutes each day.

Build a relationship with key staff and establish the best method for communication

Prioritise getting to know your child’s teacher and key support staff. Partnership working where everyone is on the same page and where support is consistent both at home and school is obviously ideal, and any trauma-informed setting will be keen to work with you to facilitate this. It is worth agreeing preferred forms of contact from the outset – e.g. via a home/school book (taking care that this is not used in a shameful way at all), through regular phone calls, chats at drop-off/pick-up or email, or perhaps a mixture of all types depending on the school situation and child’s needs (some children need quick transitions in and out of school, for example, so may not cope well with hanging about for parent/teacher handover chats).

Create an after-school space or routine for whatever your child/teen needs

This might mean:

• A regulating snack and chat on the way home, or as soon as they get in (think crunchy, chewy or nurturing).
• Some exercise to shake out any tension.
• Some time with you playing games or doing their favourite activity, then their favourite programme before tea.
• Some screen time with a nurturing hot chocolate.
• Cushions, blankets, sensory comfort, calm bedtime routine.

Try to be consistent with finding a good routine, and keep your presence high but expectations low.

Play with the time at the end of the day until you find what works best for your child/teen – ensure there is some time for decompression.

See also an earlier guest blog on sensory calming and alerting work with children who are dysregulated.

Manage your expectations and look after yourself

You may see lots of wobbly behaviours for a while as your child/teen transitions into a new school year. Assume this may be the case, accept it for what it is and know you will ride out this next wave of change. Over time and with good, consistent support they will get a better feel for the school year cycle and their windows of tolerance will widen.

It comes back to the old ‘oxygen mask’ analogy in that you need to be well-placed yourself to support those around you to the best of your ability. Don’t be afraid to ask for help or join support groups. Be kind to yourself – you must show yourself compassion (if it helps, remember you are modelling this for your children/teens too!).

This is by no means an exhaustive list, but I hope helpful. Do let me know if you have other tips to share…

If you think your child/young person’s education setting might be interested in some training in attachment and trauma, please take a look at my website, send them the link to my services,

*This is an affiliate link for the book. That means if you click on the link to the book and then buy it, I get paid a fee from Amazon.

If you enjoyed reading this article, why not buy me a coffee to show your support for the magazine? If you’d like to read more articles about adoption, head over to the home page and have a look at what’s new.

She learned English for me.

Not because she needed it. Not because her life required it. But because I was a child born in England, and she wanted to make sure that the country where I had begun my life would never feel entirely foreign to me.

My adoptive mother was a beautiful woman. Elegant, always. Even on ordinary days, even in a small Sicilian town where elegance was not especially required. She had a way of walking into a room that made people feel that something important was about to happen. And she had a generosity that was not performance: she helped people quietly, consistently, without keeping score.

I was nine months old when they adopted me. In Italy, at that time, adoption could take years — the waiting lists were endless, the bureaucracy overwhelming. Someone advised them to consider an international adoption. And so they came to England. To Epping, Essex. And they brought me home.

But home, for them, meant making sure I never lost the country where I had started. And so they moved to Watford. They bought a house. They built a life in England – in a country that was not theirs – so that I could grow up knowing where I came from. And while they were there, they learned English together, sitting at a kitchen table, working through grammar books and phrases, laughing at their mistakes.

For me.

Moving back to Sicily

I was nine years old when we moved back to Sicily. And Sicily became my home. Italy became my language. And England became the country where I was born, which is not the same thing as the country where I grew up, but which has never entirely left me.

My mother died when I was sixteen. Both my parents did, within a short time of each other. And the questions that I had not known I was carrying – about love, about belonging, about what it means to be chosen – became suddenly very loud.

Years later, I searched for my biological origins. I found them.

I remember it was raining. I was wet. I stood outside the door for a few minutes before I rang the bell – I don’t know why. Perhaps I needed a moment. Perhaps I already knew.

The door opened. She hugged me.

And I felt a cold embrace.

Not because I was wet from the rain. But because I had already known a warm one. Because the real embrace – the one that had held me through childhood and loss and everything in between – had already been given to me, years before, by someone who had learned English at a kitchen table in Watford, just to make me feel at home.

That is the moment I understood what my book is about.

Love Isn’t born. It’s Built

Love Isn’t Born. It’s Built. – Children Beyond Blood is not a story about searching. It is not a reunion memoir. It is the story of what I already had – and what it took me a lifetime to recognise.

Chosen love is not a consolation prize. It is not second best. It is, sometimes, the warmest embrace you will ever know.

I write under the pen name The Hidden Voice – a name I first chose for privacy, when I published my debut book, Two Lines, One Life. It has since become something more: a description of what I believe many adopted people carry. A voice that is real, and full, and true – but that does not always find the space to speak.

This book is my voice speaking.

And it feels right that it is written in English. I was born in England. My parents came to England for me. And now, decades later, I am sending this book back to where everything began.

My mother did not give birth to me.

But she built me.

And that, I have learned, is the most powerful thing love can do.

Love isn’t born. It’s built.

The Hidden Voice is the author of Love Isn’t Born. It’s Built. – Children Beyond Blood, available as a Kindle ebook and paperback on Amazon UK. She is also the author of Two Lines, One Life. Born in Epping, Essex. Living in Sicily, Italy.

Head to the homepage to read the latest articles about adoption, parenting and wellbeing.

I can still remember the feeling of trapping my arm in a car door as a child.

I remember the excitement of opening a bike and a mini keyboard on Christmas morning.

I remember the embarrassment, anxiety and sadness of being bullied at secondary school after dyeing my hair, with children singing the Fraggle Rock theme song at me for days.

The events themselves happened decades ago, yet I can still recall them vividly.

Why?

Because I remember how they made me feel.

Why feelings matter

Feelings give experiences meaning. They help shape how we see ourselves, others and the world around us. They can influence the choices we make, the risks we take and the stories we carry about who we are.

Yet growing up in the 1980s, I’m not sure anyone ever really explored my feelings with me. At times, they felt muddled, overwhelming and messy. Looking back, I often had to make sense of them on my own.

Perhaps that’s why I grew into an adult who felt things deeply.

Like many people, I’ve experienced panic attacks, comfort eating and periods where worry has made it difficult to switch off. I’ve watched friends, family members and colleagues struggle with their mental health. I’ve seen first-hand the impact emotional distress can have on children, young people and adults alike.

One experience that has never left me involved a young child who had taken an overdose and required urgent medical treatment. Watching a room full of professionals trying desperately to keep that child safe was heartbreaking.

It reinforced something I now believe strongly:

Feelings matter.

Not because they are always comfortable, but because they are always communicating something.

As an Early Childhood Studies graduate, childcare practitioner, lecturer and assessor, I spent years supporting children and families. Yet it wasn’t until I became an adoptive parent that my understanding of feelings was challenged in entirely new ways.

Feelings in adoption

When my daughter came home, I expected big emotions.

What I didn’t expect was the intensity.

The anger.

The anxiety.

The sleepless nights.

The school struggles.

The behaviours that often appeared bigger than the feelings underneath them.

Like many adoptive parents, I immersed myself in therapeutic parenting approaches and attachment-based support. These were invaluable, but there were times when I still felt stuck.

I wasn’t looking for a quick fix.

I was looking for ways to help my daughter understand herself.

To help her make sense of what was happening inside her body and mind.

To help her feel heard.

Helping adopted children to feel heard

Whilst waiting for specialist support, I discovered parent-led approaches that encouraged children to explore and process their emotions. At first, I felt frustrated that the responsibility seemed to return to me as the parent yet again.

But over time, I realised something important.

My role was never to fix my daughter’s feelings.

My role was to hold space for them.

That realisation changed everything.

It led me to create My Story, My Way, a resource designed specifically for adopted children.

I wanted my daughter to physically hold messages that reminded her she was safe, loved and that all feelings were welcome.

Not just the happy ones.

The complicated ones, too.

The confused ones.

The angry ones.

The sad ones.

Because feelings do not become less important simply because we ignore them.

Creative expression

Many adults struggle to identify what they are feeling. We go quiet when we’re overwhelmed. We snap when we’re stressed. We avoid things that make us anxious. We comfort ourselves with food, scrolling or distraction.

Children are no different.

Often, they simply communicate their feelings in different ways.

This is where creative expression became so important in our family.

Not every child can sit down and explain exactly how they feel.

In fact, many adults can’t either.

But children can draw.

They can paint.

They can create.

They can tell stories.

They can show us things they cannot yet put into words.

Some of the most powerful conversations I’ve had with my daughter have happened whilst drawing, painting or creating together.

Creativity creates safety.

It removes pressure.

It allows feelings to emerge naturally.

And when that happens, something remarkable occurs.

Helping children feel understood

Children begin to feel understood.

What started with one resource for one little girl has now grown into Wild Hearts Creative.

Today, our resources support children navigating anxiety, family separation, grief, confidence challenges, school transitions, adoption, hospital stays, friendship difficulties and many of life’s other big moments.

Not because we have all the answers.

But because every child deserves opportunities to express themselves, explore their experiences and feel heard.

The truth is that we cannot protect children from every difficult feeling.

Nor should we.

Sadness, disappointment, fear, frustration and uncertainty are all part of being human.

What we can do is help children understand that feelings are not something to fear.

They are something to notice.

Something to explore.

Something to move through.

And perhaps if we can help children do that, we give them something far more valuable than happiness.

We give them the confidence to trust themselves, whatever life brings.

Because feelings felt in childhood can last a lifetime.

But so can the experience of being understood.

About Wild Hearts Creative

Gem Mullings is the creator of Wild Hearts Creative, which was born from a deep belief that children deserve gentle, meaningful ways to express what is happening inside them, especially when words feel hard to find.

With a degree in Early Childhood Studies and years of experience supporting children and families through childcare, education and family support, she has always been drawn to the emotional world of children and how feelings often show themselves through play, behaviour, movement, creativity and connection long before a child can fully explain them.

As an adoptive parent, she knows how important emotional safety, belonging and creative expression can be for children navigating big feelings, identity and life experiences.

Head to the homepage to read the latest articles about adoption, parenting and wellbeing.

I’ve been delighted to see that over the last few years, there have been a number of great adoption books written by adoptive parents as well as practitioners. They help children gain a deeper understanding of what is a complex and difficult subject in a child-friendly way.

Here’s a list of our seven favourite books that help younger children, whether they’re adopted or not, understand the concept of adoption a bit more. The books have really helped our children understand their adoption journey and the process of how they came to live with us.

This article includes affiliate links for the books. That means if you click on the link to the book and then buy it, I get paid a fee from Amazon.

The Blanket Bears written by Samuel Langley Swain

The Blanket Bears is our favourite book about adoption. Our eldest daughter went through a stage where she wanted this as her bedtime story every night for weeks. The book is written by Samuel Langley-Swain, an adoptive dad, and beautifully illustrated by Ashlee Spink.

It’s a story about two little bears who had no one to look after them. It explores big issues like foster care and adoption in a lovely, gentle way. The bears are very frightened at the start of the book and the story explores why that is and how their social worker found them a safe place to live.

The story then looks at how their foster parents and adoptive family help the little bears to feel safe and loved. It’s a great book to explain the basics of adoption to all children.

You can buy the book from Amazon.

Olly & Lilly written by Matt Flukes, illustrated by Lucie Cooke

Olly and Lilly, written by Matt Fluke, an adoptive dad, is another brilliant book which explains to children why sometimes families can’t live together. Matt explains his motivation for writing the book:

“I wanted to encapsulate the fear, loss and concerns that adopted children face but also harness their sheer positivity and hope for the future for all children. The book is aimed at children aged 4-7, to help them understand their situation. It is valid for all children not just adopted children, as it discusses families, love, goals, challenges, hopes and wishes that all children have, whilst also acting as a key PHSE resource for schools. The parent bikes are non-gender specific, making the story applicable to all types of families.”

The story is about Olly and Lilly who are two bikes looking for a new forever racing team as their mummy has stopped working properly and can’t look after them. The first garage they move to doesn’t feel quite right, even though everyone was really nice to them. This shows why children sometimes have to move to different foster carers until they find the right care to suit their needs.

It’s an engaging and fun book which deals with big issues sensitively, to gently explain why sometimes parents can’t look after their children. It deals with some of the emotions children experience when they’re moved into foster care and then adoption such as separation and loss.

You can buy the book from Amazon.

The Family Fairies written by Rosemary Lucas

The Family Fairies was written by adoptive mum Rosemary Lucas to help explain the adoption process to children. It’s a rhyming storybook following the journey of a couple on their search to find their forever family. 

It’s a lovely children’s book and is written in an age-appropriate way, to help adopted children understand the different roles of the people involved in finding their forever family. Social workers and foster carers are referred to as “Family Fairies” which is a great way of engaging young children to help them understand what the different roles are.

My children love the fairies. We use the book as a tool to talk about the story of their adoption giving the fairies the names of their social workers and foster families. It’s also a great book to help children who aren’t adopted, understand the process.

You can buy the book from Amazon.

Eddy Finds a Family written by Sarah McGeough, illustrated by Stephanie Lidbetter

Eddy Finds a Family is written by adoptive mum Sarah McGeough, and beautifully illustrated by Stephanie Lidbetter. The first thing my kids loved about the book was the gorgeous, vibrant illustrations. They both love flamingos so Flossy and Frank were a big hit with them straight away.

The story follows Flossy and Frank as they learn about adoption and decide it’s the way they want to create their family. The focus then moves to Eddy, a little Emu who was living with a foster frog. Eddy’s parents weren’t able to look after him and Stella Stork is looking for a family for him. She decides Flossy and Frank would be great parents for Eddy and the story then explores how they all get ready to meet each other.

The book helps to explain some of the feelings older children may feel about adoption as the story doesn’t just cover how Flossy and Frank are feeling before they meet Eddy. It also explores his feelings and thoughts about meeting his new family.

He has worries about what it’s going to be like and what if they don’t like each other. This helps older children see that their feelings are normal and also helps their friends and family understand what they’ve been through.

You can buy the book from Amazon.

Tippy Moffles Mirror written by Mikenda Plant

Tippy Moffle’s Mirror is one of my favourite adoption books for children. It’s written by Mikenda Plant and I love the way she uses colour to represent different emotions.

Tippy’s tummy mummy, Poppy, has bright blue fur which reflects the deep sadness she’s experienced in her life. The story starts with Tippy’s early life with her mum. She tried her best to make her mum happy, but because Poppy was so full of sadness, that was hard to do. The harder Tippy tried, the more her fur turned flat, grey and dusty.

The story explores what happens when a parent can’t look after their child and the kind of help and support they might be given to improve things. And then why children sometimes struggle to settle with a new family in case they think they’re not good enough.

The book covers some really big issues like neglect, in a gentle way. It helps children understand that not everyone knows how to look after a baby or a child. And that it’s normal to experience a whole range of different emotions.

I first read this book with my eldest at a time when she was really struggling with her emotions. It helped her understand that we all experience a wide range of feelings, some good, some not so nice.

You can buy the book from Amazon.

Billy Moffles Straight Lines written by Mikenda Plant

There are a lot of children’s adoption books on the market which explain the adoption process. They use engaging characters to explain the adoption process and also the role of adoption professionals such as social workers.

Finding a book that explains to young children what domestic violence and neglect are, isn’t so easy. And let’s face it, in an ideal world, it’s not a topic we’d want our children to have to learn about. But the sad reality is many adopted children experience trauma because of violence between their birth parents, and neglect as a result of that.

Mikenda’s second book looks at the impact feeling scared of who you live with, can have on children and adults. And also how that feeling can affect how you manage other things. In this story, Billy’s birth mother, Daisy, isn’t able to give him the care and love he needs, because all her focus is on making her boyfriend happy so that she doesn’t feel so afraid.

The story looks at why this behaviour doesn’t keep Billy safe. And what happens when a child has to leave that situation and live with a new family. When he’s with his new family, it takes Billy a long time to realise that he’s safe and that his new mummy and daddy won’t leave him to look after himself, like Daisy did. He spent a lot of time tidying and keeping everything straight as he worried if he didn’t, his new daddy would get angry with him.

This is such a good book to have in your toolkit. It’s started some really good conversations with our eldest daughter about feeling scared.

You can buy the book from Amazon.

Adopting a Little Brother or Sister written by Holly Marlow

This is a lovely book to help explain the process to children who are going to become a brother or sister through adoption.

The story is about a little boy whose family are adopting a little brother or sister. It explains the stages in an age-appropriate way, introducing people like social workers and the role they have.

This is another book I wish had been around for our eldest daughter. I think she struggled to understand what our social worker did during the assessment for our youngest. She remembered our original social worker from when we adopted her because she’d seen photos of her in her life storybook. Meeting a new social worker was confusing for her. Being able to read a book like this would’ve really helped.

The book looks at what the social worker’s job is and the types of questions they might ask. This part really resonated with me because I can remember our daughter being asked how she would feel about sharing her toys with her little sister. She said she’d be happy to share them, as long as her little sister looked after them and gave them back.

The story then moves on to look at what happens when a child finds out about their little brother or sister and the mechanics of bringing them home. There are some great questions at the end of the book to use to start conversations with your child about becoming a brother or sister through adoption.

The book is perfect for biological and adopted children to read to help them understand the process of becoming a sibling through adoption. It’s also a great read for their friends, so they can understand it too.

You can buy the book from Amazon.

Bridie’s New Family, written by Flo Jackman

Bridie’s New Family is a charming rhyming story written by Flo Jackman to help children understand their birth history and journey to their family. The story was written to help Flo’s daughter make sense of her early life and understand why she couldn’t live with her first family.

The book guides a child through the adoption process, addressing the significant issues of why they couldn’t live with their first family, the court process, and family finding in an age-appropriate manner.

The story is about a child who is two, but you can easily adapt the story as you tell it to the age of your child, helping them to understand their unique story. You could also change the details about the character’s hair and other characteristics and memories to tailor it exactly to your child.

Bridie’s New Family gently introduces the big concepts of adoption, helping your child understand how their birth history brought them to where they are now, which is key in developing a sense of belonging. It’s a brilliant resource to use from an early age as part of their life story work and as a tool to start conversations at your child’s pace to talk about their first family, as well as things like introductions and early memories from them coming home.

Young children can struggle to understand the often complex issues around why their first family couldn’t care for them, and this story is a great way of introducing the concepts around adoption from an early age, in a way that helps them feel loved and heard.

Bridie’s New Family is suitable for children up to around the age of eight. You can buy the book from Amazon.

The Day My Heart Grew written by Emma Perkins

Adoption is complex, which makes it difficult for children to understand why or how things happened and why they no longer live with their birth families.

That’s why books like “The Day My Heart Grew” are so important, particularly for younger children, so they can read and learn about adoption in a simple way, helping them understand the basics that they can build on as they grow.

“The Day My Heart Grew” is a rhyming storybook written by Emma Perkins and beautifully illustrated by Hannah Steele, whose stunning penguin illustrations bring the words to life.

The rhyming story centres around a penguin who wants to grow their family through adption and gently explains how adoptive families come together. It makes a great resource to introduce adoption to younger children, and as a tool for starting conversations about life story work as they grow older, encouraging them to ask questions about their journey from foster care to coming home, and talk about their feelings.

The book is suitable for children of all ages and can be adapted when it’s read to a child, to suit their circumstances. Head to the Emma’s website to find out more details about the book and buy your copy.

Head to the book review section to find out about other wonderful adoption books for kids.

For adopted children, separation anxiety often stems from circumstances far beyond their control. Being removed from their biological family, and then foster carers, leaves children feeling anxious when they are separated from their new caregivers.

New experiences and situations can be particularly difficult to manage for adopted children, such as starting school or moving into a new class. We can do a lot to help with this before the start of a new term, such as visiting the new school/classroom/teacher. We found regular walks to her new school in the couple of weeks before she started, and helped our youngest familiarise herself with the route and routine.

Separation anxiety is difficult for a child, but it’s also distressing for parents. There’s nothing worse than leaving your child in tears at nursery or school. Even if they settle quickly after that, it’s something I struggled with when our youngest daughter was unsettled at nursery.

Managing new situations is something all children have to experience. As parents, although we’d love to be able to take away any anxiety about a new situation, we can’t. But we can use techniques and props to help our children manage their feelings.

Here are five tips recommended by parents to help manage separation anxiety:

Talking

As our daughter gets older, we’ve all learned how to manage separation better. A big part of this has been talking. We talk through what’s going to happen in advance of the new situation, and if she’s got questions I can’t answer, I’ll find out and tell her.

Knowing which door to use, where to hang her coat, and where the loos are, are all things that help her manage her anxiety. We try not to force conversations and talk about things when she wants to. Like a lot of children though, she tends to bottle it up and her anxiety comes out in anger. So we often talk things through once she’s calmer and is able to express what she’s worried about.

We’ve found the school website a great starting point for conversations. There are some photos of classrooms and we talk about where hers is going to be and how she’ll get there.

Smells

We’ve found familiar smells work really well for our eldest. She has a spray of my favourite perfume on her wrist and on her clothing. This helps her to feel safe and know that I’m with her, even when I’m not there physically.

We use this technique not just for school, but any situation where she’s nervous about something new. It’s a discrete way of helping her feel safe as no-one else knows what the smell means to her.

Physical things

We used this technique for the first time last year. Covid meant there were no physical visits to her new classroom. This was particularly hard for our daughter as she was moving up into juniors. It’s a completely separate school which she wasn’t familiar with at all.

I bought her this lovely badge from Clara and Macy which I ironed on the inside of her school cardigan. It worked a treat. It gave her a little boost whenever she needed it. And she also used it to help her friends. One of her friend’s mum stopped me in the yard and said our daughter had let her daughter hug her badge when she was missing her mum in the first few days of the new term which I thought was lovely.

You can also buy the design as a pin or with different versions of mum and dad. Click here to see all of their designs. They’re such a simple idea, and a brilliant way of helping your child remember you’re always close.

Wrist drawing

A lot of parents find drawing a heart of something similar on their child’s wrist and their wrist, helps with separation anxiety. Depending on your child’s age, they could draw something on your hand or wrist, and then you do the same on theirs. It’s a simple and effective reminder for them throughout the day, that you’re with them.

The drawing on their wrist could also be used as a hug button. When you’re child is feeling anxious or worried when they’re apart from you, they can touch the drawing and imagine a hug from you. A lot of parents say this works well for their child.

Books

I’m a huge lover of using books to help my kids understand something new. There are some great picture storybooks available about starting school and managing separation anxiety.

Without a doubt, our favourite is “The Invisible String” written by Patrice Karst. It’s a beautiful story about two children who were worried about sleeping on their own. Their mum told them about the invisible string which always connects them.

We went through a stage where this was the only book our eldest wanted to read at bedtime. She absolutely loved it, and we still talk about the concept of our invisible string that connects us, even when we’re apart.

Read my review of the book and The Invisible String is available to buy from a range of outlets such as like Amazon.

Transition box

Creating a transition box is a great way of helping your child feel safe and secure, and understanding they’re still connected to you and home when they’re at school. The box doesn’t need to be big, just something you can put in things you’ve made together at home. You could make things specifically for it, or use things you made together that you’re child has kept.

Your child can then add in things to the box that they’ve made at school for you.

Make sure you speak to the school or nursery first to agree that your child can bring a box in. Some schools don’t allow children to bring things in from home so if that’s the case at your child’s school, you’ll need to get permission beforehand.

If you’d like some more tips and advice about managing school year transitions, read Emma Spillane’s article, which is packed full of tips and advice.

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Please note that this article contains affiliate links to Etsy and Amazon. That means if you click on the link and go on to buy the products, I get paid a fee from the store.

Adopting a child with ADHD can be absolutely joyous. However, there are often challenges when it comes to sleep, as it’s often overlooked when it comes to ADHD. It’s a 24/7 disorder, and a child’s brain doesn’t stop when it is time to sleep.

But the good news is, there are lots of holistic tools and approaches you can embed to support them! I’m Jade, an infant and child sleep consultant and ADHD sleep awareness practitioner, and these are my tips to help you support your child to a better night’s sleep.

Structure around evenings

I often recommend separating the evening routine from the bedtime routine. Adopting new practices at this time can help when it is time to sleep.

For example:

• Evening walks after dinner or proprioceptive exercises can be great for their nervous system regulation. Plus, fresh air helps sleep, too!
• Reducing screen time. This often goes without saying, but depending on the age and stage of the child (social media/video game influence), these could be having a bigger impact on the evenings and nights.
• Journaling can be a great tool for children who feel more anxious or struggle to wind down at bedtime due to busy thoughts. Getting those all out way ahead of bedtime can help with the rewiring during their wind-down for sleep.
• To-do lists – help for those moments when they are in bed and suddenly need to “still do that thing”. Embed it into the evening routine, and they get a dopamine hit from ticking off the list!

The Bedtime Routine

Predictability and consistency are both key here. Consistency is important, as if things are too fluid, many kids will want to deviate from the normal routine. Here are some tips to support this.

• Routine charts – this helps keep everyone accountable (us as caregivers, too!) to keep things steady and consistent.
• Sensory input is important, and all children are different when it comes to sound, light and sensory needs. Find out what your child’s preferences are here. If using a night light, I recommend a red/amber tone, as blue and white lights can alter their melatonin production.
• Other tools could include belly breathing meditation techniques! I highly recommend listening to the “Your Floating Bed” podcast on Spotify.

Support for Children with ADHD: Sleep Pressure

Many ADHD children are time-sensitive, which means weekend lie-ins may make it difficult for them to sleep on a Sunday evening before they need to get up for school on Monday. To alleviate this, try to keep wake timings within a 20-minute window.

Many children with ADHD suffer from delayed sleep phase disorder. This affects their time when they fall asleep, which is outside the societal norms (early bedtime and early wake for school). One of the best things you can do here if push bedtime out to help rewire their feeling that “sleep is hard” before bringing it earlier again.

Look at External Factors

Like adults, there are often external factors which influence children’s sleep. For example, social dynamics, new anxieties, a change in diet or medications. If there are other factors at play, this could be impacting your child’s ability to wind down in the evening.

Keep a good diet, and if sleep changes have happened since changing medication, then it’s a good idea to speak to their GP to review this.

Also, try to dive deep with your child. What else is going on? Having those conversations around sleep is really important, but so is their day-to-day lives and habits, as changes in these can affect their ability to switch off at night.

Manage Expectations

Progress may be gradual, and often is! Some kids will take to new tools (new eye masks, weighted blankets etc) well, as it brings them that shiny object dopamine hit. But when it comes to anxieties and building up their confidence, this will take a bit longer. Make your changes gradually rather than feeling you can just get straight out of the room. Give them small snippets of independence before building this up.

It may also be that you are noticing the lack of sleep is impacting their focus, emotions and irrational behaviours even more. They might be feeling this too. Communication around sleep can be key for you all to unlock what tools or changes you can put in place.

We want to create a safe space for our children to help them thrive. A place where they can be open and honest in their challenges and be given full support. Bring these conversations earlier in the evening, which allows you space to build their confidence at bedtime with positive encouragement in their own safe place.

To find out how Beyond the Stars can help to support your sleep journey, visit their website or follow on Instagram.

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Managing school year transitions (Part I) – supporting endings from home

It’s that time of year for schools in England and Wales when staff are ramping up transition arrangements for the next academic year, and our children may be showing us in a variety of ways that they are unsettled by this. It’s been a difficult end to this school year with so many children in and out of self-isolation, which has made the usual implementation of transition plans within school that much more difficult.

For children who’ve experienced trauma, this time of year (coming towards the end of term) can be especially hard – those feelings of loss, of significant change, can resurface and can lead to heightened anxiety. For them (and for so many others, especially off the back of another up and down year thanks to Covid), how endings are supported is just as important as everything that goes into preparing them for new beginnings (whether that be going up a school year, or transitioning from nursery to primary, primary to secondary, or secondary to college).

What parents can do to help to help school year transitions

Here are just a few considerations you may find useful to support your child through the end of this final summer term.

Hopefully school is working with you to ensure that a clear transition plan is in place and underway, based on your child’s specific needs, so you’ve had some input, know what to expect and when – use this to talk to your child at home about it at the right time for them.

Transition plan

Check that your child’s transition plan includes going back to basics with things like knowing where the nearest toilet to their new classroom is, where they will put their bag, where they will put their water bottle, how safe the classroom is – things that can cause real anxiety for children who’ve experienced trauma can be around basic needs.

Contact from new teacher

Ask the next teacher if they would be happy to send an email (or postcard) to your child around a week before the start of the next term to tell them a bit about their summer break, and to say how much they are looking forward to welcoming them to their class. Obviously this suggestion comes with a caveat that teachers need a break over the summer and this request may be over and above the usual kind of request they might receive from parents.

Help them share their worries

Open up a space for your child to share their worries – you will know best how to do that, but always worth remembering the power of play for connecting up with feelings, or of just taking small opportunities to check in from time to time, being curious with them. They may also prefer to write their worries down and pop them in a jar; or for older children, maybe they might be encouraged to journal, or write a blog that never gets published?

Start a dialogue

Start a dialogue with the next class teacher where possible (if different to the current one), share your insights, concerns and hopes for the start of the new year, and agree the best mode of communication going forward – preferred modes can differ between teachers, so it’s useful to have that discussion in advance of the next school year, when everything can be a bit frenetic.

Saying goodbye

Check there will be an opportunity for your child to say goodbye properly to key staff and their peers so there is a clear end point to the year where the teacher communicates what will happen after the summer holiday once again. Getting your child/young person involved in writing in or making thank you cards to hand over can be a good opportunity to support clear messaging around this end point so they are involved in saying thank you in their own way.

Ask their teacher if it might be possible for them to pop in at the beginning of next term to say hello. Children who’ve experienced loss can feel endings particularly keenly, but messaging in the vein of ‘you’ll be moving on to a different teacher after the holidays, but I value our teacher-pupil relationship and will still be around even if you’re not in my class anymore – I still care’, or similar, can be very reassuring.

Consider whether a small photo of their current teacher and/or a small transition item of some kind might be helpful for your child to take away with them at the end of term.

New classroom and staff

Similarly, ask for photos of the next class and of the future key staff that you can look at with your child/young person as appropriate over the summer – helps with familiarisation. Even better, if school can do a quick video showing the classroom, maybe even walking the route from the school entrance to the classroom too, that’s a bonus (especially for those who were unable to visit their new classroom due to bubbles isolating at the end of term).

The Invisible String

With younger children, read the book The Invisible String (or sit down with them and enjoy this recording of it) and explore the concept of everyone being connected, even when not together.

Manage your expectations with ends and starts of terms – if your child is older and has been with you a while, you’ll know the drill, and you’ll know that these are waves to ride out as we support our children with navigating their way through another change the best way we can. Look after yourselves.

This is by no means an exhaustive list, but I hope helpful. Sending you all good wishes.

Emma Spillane is a qualified teacher, adoptive parent and attachment & trauma trainer who works with schools to support them on their journey towards becoming trauma-sensitive. More information about how she works with schools and the training and consultancy she offers can be found on her website

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That’s the thing about a name. It’s special to the person who picked it. My choices of baby names won’t be the same as yours. And it definitely isn’t the same as our children’s birth family.

When we first started thinking about adoption, one of my worries was that our future child would already have a name. What if we didn’t like the name? Would that affect how we felt about the child? That sounds ridiculous, but names do provoke a strong reaction in people.

I’m sure we’ve all liked a name and then gone off it when we come across someone called it who doesn’t live up to our expectations. I remember liking a particular name when I was about 10. Then I came across a girl about three years older than me with that name who liked to pick fights with younger kids. That put me off the name completely.

While we were waiting to be matched, I let myself gradually buy a few bits for our future child. It helped me believe I was going to be a mum. I couldn’t let myself think of names, though. One reason was I thought it would jinx things. I was also convinced we’d be matched with a child who was old enough to know their name. And even if we weren’t, I didn’t think it would be right to change their name.

Naming our daughter

When we found out about our eldest, she was six months old. Our social worker said to us early on that she thought we should change her first name, moving it to a middle name. Her birth mum likes boys’ names for girls, and it’s quite a distinctive name.

It was really difficult to think of a first name that fitted with her birth name. I can remember thinking that we should just pick our own names and lose the birth name completely. At that stage, I didn’t have the level of insight or understanding about the importance of the name as I do now. I’m horrified now that I ever had that thought.

The names our children’s birth family picked for them are not ones we would have ever picked. But that doesn’t mean they should be disregarded. They’re part of our children’s identity and history. In the future, they may decide they want to use their birth name as their first name. My mum has never liked her first name, so she has always been known by her middle name.

I’ve read some blogs written by adult adoptees who are struggling with their identity because their names were completely changed. Removing all birth names feels to them like their parents were trying to erase their birth history.

I’ve written a few times about our progress with life story work with our eldest. She’s at an age now where she understands the history behind all of her names, as does our youngest.

Birth name: being open and honest

We’re always honest (in an age-appropriate way) in our answers when our kids ask about things to do with their birth family. Recently, our eldest has been talking a lot about her name. She asked me why her second middle name is what it is. I told her that it was the name her birth mum picked for her. I also said that her sister’s second middle name is the name her birth mum picked for her.

She asked if she could choose her little sister’s first name when we told her about her. So, with our social worker’s approval, our youngest’s first name and first middle name were picked by us, and her second middle name is the one her birth mum picked.

At the moment, our eldest doesn’t like her birth name because it’s a boy’s name. But as she grows older, she has a choice. If she wants to use it, she can. The point is, she knows that it’s significant because her birth family picked it for her. As she grows up, I hope it helps her to understand her and her sister’s history.

So whilst it is just a name, there’s a lot more to it than that. We picked her first name, her first middle name is my middle name, and her second middle name was picked by her birth family. Our eldest picked our youngest’s first name, we picked her first middle name, which is also her niece’s, and my late aunt’s middle name, and her birth family picked her second middle name. So there’s a history and story behind all of their names, which we think embraces the children’s whole identity.

FAQs About changing your adopted child’s name

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When you’re preparing to welcome a new child, the list of things you’re told you need can feel never-ending. A buggy. A bouncer. A next-to-me cot. A breast pump. A baby bath. And that’s before you’ve even started on the smaller stuff.

Most parents do one of two things: they buy everything new, or they spend weeks trawling second-hand marketplaces hoping to piece together a collection of kit they can trust. Both options have their merits. But there’s a third option that many families simply don’t know exists – and for adoptive parents in particular, it can be a genuinely brilliant fit.

Renting.

So, before you reach for your credit card or start scrolling second-hand listings, it’s worth knowing that renting baby and toddler equipment is a genuinely viable option – and for many families, a better one. Renting means you only pay for the time you actually need a piece of kit, and when that phase is over, it’s simply collected. No selling, no storing, no outgrown bouncer taking up half the living room.

Equipment from a reputable rental service is also checked and maintained between uses, which removes the uncertainty that can come with buying second-hand – particularly relevant when you’re welcoming a child who deserves nothing but the best from the start.

This blog post looks at how renting your baby and toddler equipment works and the main advantages for you and the environment.

Why rental makes sense

I started Merry Go Round Club because I kept seeing the same thing happen to families around me. They’d spend thousands of pounds on equipment, use it for a matter of months, and then be left with a house full of stuff they didn’t know what to do with. The buggy in the hall. The bouncer in the corner. The breast pump in a bag at the back of the kitchen cupboard.

Baby equipment has a surprisingly short useful life. A next-to-me cot is typically needed for around six months. A newborn bouncer might hold a child’s interest for three or four months before they’re ready to move on. Even buggies – often one of the biggest single purchases a family makes – may not suit a child forever as their needs and your lifestyle evolve.

Renting means you pay for the window you actually need, and nothing more. When you’re done, it’s collected. No selling, no storing, no guilt about the money spent on something gathering dust.

The savings can be significant. Renting key items rather than buying them new can save families typically 70% of the cost of buying new. This equates to hundreds of pounds over the first year – without any compromise on quality. For families who have often faced considerable costs as they prepare to adopt, that’s not a small thing.

The flexibility factor

For adoptive parents specifically, I think rental offers something that goes beyond cost: flexibility.

When you’re preparing for a placement, there’s often real uncertainty. You may not know the exact age of your child until close to the time. A toddler and a young baby need very different kits – different buggies, different sleep setups, different equipment altogether. Buying everything in advance can feel like a gamble. And buying in a rush, once a placement is confirmed, can be stressful and expensive.

Renting makes it easier to respond to what you actually need, when you need it, rather than having to predict the future. If something doesn’t work for your child, it can be swapped. If your needs change, the rental can change with them. That kind of adaptability is genuinely useful when you’re navigating a process that rarely goes exactly to plan.

With adoption, you don’t always know in advance exactly what age or stage your child will be at when they arrive – and renting means you can respond to what you need rather than having to guess.

At Merry Go Round Club, we offer monthly and short-term rentals of the products families rely on most in the early years: buggies, bouncers, baby baths, carriers, and next-to-me cots, with delivery and collection included as standard. Each of those covers a specific window of need, which makes them a natural fit for a rental model, and a much lighter lift than buying everything outright.

What about buying second-hand?

Second-hand equipment is an appealing idea – and there are great finds out there. But it comes with uncertainties that are worth thinking about.

Safety standards for baby equipment are updated regularly. A cot or buggy that met guidelines when it was first sold may not meet them now. Without a full history, it’s hard to know whether equipment has been in an accident, stored badly, or simply worn in ways that aren’t immediately visible. 

Renting from a reputable service means equipment is checked, maintained, and sourced carefully. You know what you’re getting – and that peace of mind matters, particularly when you’re welcoming a child who has perhaps already experienced enough uncertainty.

Renting your baby kit: Less clutter, less confusion

Two things nobody tells you enough about before you have a child: how much stuff accumulates, and how overwhelming the baby product market is.

The sheer volume of equipment that comes with early parenthood catches most families off guard. Renting means that when a phase is over, the equipment leaves. The house doesn’t gradually fill with outgrown items waiting to be dealt with.

And the baby product market – particularly for parents who haven’t been immersed in it throughout a pregnancy – can feel completely bewildering. There’s enormous pressure to buy everything, buy it immediately, and buy it new. Rental sidesteps a lot of that noise. You get what you need, for the stage you’re at, without having to navigate an industry designed to sell you as much as possible.

The Kind Initiative

When I set up Merry Go Round Club, I knew from the beginning that I wanted it to be about more than a transaction.

The Kind Initiative is something we are looking to grow to support families who are navigating early parenthood in genuinely difficult circumstances. Whether that’s financial hardship, a crisis situation, or simply a need that falls outside the usual routes, we are looking to build out help, regardless of the circumstances. 

We are looking at a mechanism where existing customers can look to “pay it forward” so that kit is made available for someone who needs it. Working with local organisations up and down the country, who can contact us to ensure that certain families who need support the most, shouldn’t be the ones who go without. 

I think adoptive families understand better than most what it means to walk a path that wasn’t designed with you in mind. The Kind Initiative exists because every family – however they got here – deserves a decent start.

Rental won’t be right for everyone, and it isn’t the only answer. But for families approaching parenthood with uncertainty, time pressure, or a desire to do things a little differently, it’s an option worth knowing about. And if you do look into it, I hope it makes things just a little bit easier.

Femke is the founder of Merry Go Round Club, a UK-based baby equipment rental service. Find out more from Merry Go Round’s website.

FAQs about renting baby kit

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The majority of prospective adopters make their application to adopt through the normal ‘agency’ route – they are approved as adopters, matched with a child, the child is placed with them, the local authority (LA) supports them in making an application to adopt that child, and the LA (on the whole) manages the process on their behalf.

There is another route to adoption, which is less common and far more complicated – the ‘non-agency’ route.

I will not be able to cover all possible scenarios in this article, so it is more that I wish to flag up the complexities of being a ‘non-agency’ applicant for adoption and clarify when you should seek advice and representation.

By way of an example, Re J, K and L was a case in which I represented the applicants. They were foster carers who wished to adopt three children who had been in their care for many years. The case was ultimately unsuccessful because the court felt the applicants were not the best placement for the children long-term, due to difficulties within the placement that were very particular to that case. Despite that, the case sets out some of the challenges that non-agency applicants will face.

The procedure

Non-agency applicants are usually step-parents or foster carers, and the child must have lived with them for a prescribed time (it varies depending on which category you fit into) before they are allowed to even make the application to adopt. In some circumstances, the court can shorten that time requirement, but that too requires an application to the court.

Applicants must give their own local authority notice of their intention to adopt at least three months before making the application. This must be done in writing, which triggers the LA’s obligation to assess the applicant(s). It’s important to make sure you are sending that notice (which can just be an email) to the right place, so it’s a good idea to check that.

The LA must see the child in the placement and prepare a report on the suitability of the applicant to adopt a child (often referred to as an Annex A report). Bear in mind this applies to step-parents as well as foster carers. The report is sent to the court, not to the applicants (although they should see the part that applies to them). 

It’s also important to remember that birth parents are automatically respondents to these applications and can oppose them.

Applying to adopt without the local authority’s support: Seeking legal advice

The real difficulties arise where the Annex A report is not positive, or where the LA says they do not support the making of the adoption order, even when the report is positive.

At that point, it is very important to take legal advice because these proceedings can be very tricky.

For example, if you challenge the conclusions of the Annex A report (without seeing it), we need to get the report for you to read, put together evidence to refute the conclusions, and consider whether someone independent should prepare another assessment.

We will need to ensure that the LA cannot remove the children from your care in the meantime (if you are a foster carer) by asking for their formal agreement not to or applying for an injunction to prevent them from being able to.

The evidence we need to gather will depend on the reasons why the LA are opposing the adoption, for example, do they think the children should not be adopted at all, or should they be adopted by someone else? Do they have concerns about your care of the children or your ability to support the children’s relationship with their birth family? Do they think an alternative order would provide sufficient protection for the children in your care? All of these scenarios require a different response.

These proceedings can be difficult, time-consuming, and expensive, and it is essential that you speak to a solicitor who really understands adoption law.

If you’d like legal advice about this topic, head to our website to find out how I can help.

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