Most of us have some kind of first-aid kit for our physical health, even if it’s just a couple of suspicious-looking plasters that are a bit curly around the edges and a couple of painkillers. But what about a kit you can dip into when your mental health isn’t great?

I first came across the concept of having a mental health first-aid kit when I read Dr Emma Hepburn’s first book, “A Toolkit for Modern Life: 53 Ways to Look After Your Mind”. I was in quite a bad place at the time, having experienced complete burnout.

I’d got to a stage where I felt like I was able to start to learn how to help myself. I came across Dr. Hepburn aka @thepsychologymum, following a recommendation from someone on Instagram. I bought her book, but didn’t have particularly high hopes that it would help.

A book about how the brain works isn’t something that has ever been on my reading list. I expected it to be very dry and difficult to read. But Dr Hepburn’s Instagram feed isn’t like that at all. She uses diagrams and simple, relatable language to explain why we feel a certain way. And how to help ourselves feel better. So, I had high hopes that the book would be easy to understand, too.

Mental health first-aid kit

One aspect of the book that struck a chord was the benefits of having a mental health first-aid kit. It’s such a simple concept. But also, a very powerful one.

A first-aid kit for our physical health is fairly standard. Plasters, bandages, antiseptic and medicines. If you have a particular condition, you may have more specialised items (and a prescription delivery service can help you with that). But generally, that’s what most of us have.

The beauty of a mental health first-aid kit is that you tailor it to exactly what you need. Therefore, no two are the same. And it certainly isn’t something you buy off the shelf from a pharmacist.

So, how do you create a mental health first-aid kit, and what needs to be in it? The answer to both of these questions is that it entirely depends on you and your needs.

In terms of the kit itself, it could be a physical thing. Perhaps a lovely box to keep the kit in. Or it could be a list kept in your phone or in a notebook. Mine is a list in a Trello board which I can access from my phone, tablet or laptop so I can use it wherever I am. A lot will depend on what you have in it.

What should you put in it?

In terms of what goes in it, spend a bit of time thinking about what your go-to things are when your mental health isn’t great. What helps you relax or makes you feel calmer? Is there a book or magazine that always helps? Or a treat such as a candle or snack that always helps? What about music? Are there songs that take you to a calmer place? When you’re feeling stressed, do you have certain things you do to help you sleep? If you’re looking for inspiration for this, check out these tips from Tales of Belle.

My list is walking, music, a bath, talking and breathing. They’re quite general, but I know that they will all help me gain control of my thoughts and work through anxiety. Breathing is always a good starting point for me. It’s an obvious one but taking a few minutes to breathe deeply and notice my feelings helps me start to understand them better. And 10 minutes of my favourite tunes makes a huge difference for me. If you want some help with a playlist to boost your mood, have a read of this fab article from Whimsical Mama.

When we’re experiencing poor mental health, we often struggle to know how to help ourselves. Particularly in times of overwhelm. So, having the things that you know help you, somewhere you can easily access them, can really help.

I’d love to know if you have a mental health first-aid kit and if you do, what’s in it? Leave a comment or drop me a line. Whilst it is an individualised thing, it’s useful to know what others have in theirs too.

“A Toolkit for Modern Life” is available to buy in bookshops, including Amazon* and you can read my full review of it in the book review section.

If you enjoyed reading this article, why not buy me a coffee to show your support for the magazine? If you’d like to read more articles about adoption, health and wellbeing, and parenting, head over to the homepage and have a look at what’s new.

*This is an affiliate link, which means if you click it and then buy the book, I get paid a fee from Amazon.

Written by Jodi Heyes

Hi, I’m Jodi, the creator of Worley’s World, and I want to introduce you to a little monster who could change the way your family talks about emotions. If you’re here, you’re probably looking for ways to support your child’s emotional well-being, maybe even struggling to get them to open up about their feelings. You’re not alone. So many parents tell me they want to help their children but don’t always know where to start.

That’s exactly why I created Worley. He isn’t just a character in a book; he’s an emotional companion for your child and a support system for you. In Worley’s World, we take a different approach; one that makes emotional learning feel natural, engaging, and fun.

Emotional Education: Why a Meaningful Context Matters

We all know children learn best through play and stories, but for those lessons to stick, they need to see themselves in what they’re learning. That’s why Worley’s World is designed to be more than just books or worksheets; it’s a way of life that weaves emotional learning into your everyday family moments.

When children recognise themselves in Worley’s adventures, it makes big emotions feel normal rather than overwhelming. Instead of sitting them down for a “serious talk” about feelings (which, let’s be honest, doesn’t always go well!), you can use Worley’s World to start small, natural conversations in a way that makes sense to them.

Worley isn’t just a one-time tool; he’s with you every step of the way.

How Worley Becomes Part of the Family

Most resources for kids focus on teaching emotions in a structured way, but Worley’s World goes deeper; we build real emotional connections. That’s why families who bring Worley into their lives stick with him because he isn’t just an exercise in a book; he’s a character who grows with your child.

Worley helps create a shared language for emotions within your family. When your child is frustrated, instead of bottling it up or having a meltdown, they can say, “I think I’m angry like George today.” Or when they’re feeling anxious, they can recognise Polly is at play. This makes it easier for you to help them process their feelings without it feeling like a lecture.

We’re shifting the way families communicate about emotions from something intimidating into something natural, playful, and empowering.

Getting Started with Worley’s World

I know that as a parent, you already have a lot on your plate. That’s why I’ve made it easy for you to bring Worley into your home with a completely free eBook to get started.

Here’s what you’ll get when you download it:

 A beautiful eBook that introduces Worley and his emotion monsters in a way kids instantly connect with.

 A video reading of my debut children’s book, so you and your child can enjoy the story together anytime.

 A feelings chart that introduces the monsters, helping your child recognise their emotions and giving them the words to express what they feel.

 Exclusive access to the taster area of our online membership, where you’ll find activities and insights to start using Worley’s World in your daily life.

This isn’t just a quick fix—it’s the first step in creating a long-term, healthy emotional foundation for your child.

The Power of Play and Creativity

One of the biggest things I want parents to know is this: learning about emotions doesn’t have to be heavy or overwhelming. In fact, the best way to help children understand their feelings is through play and creativity.

That’s why Worley’s World is filled with interactive elements, from storytelling to imaginative play, drawing, and movement-based activities. When children engage their imagination, they aren’t just learning—they’re experiencing. And that makes all the difference.

You’re Not Alone—Worley’s World is With You All the Way

I created Worley’s World because I know firsthand what it’s like to struggle with emotions, both as a child and as a parent. I also know how powerful it is when we have the right tools and support to guide us.

That’s exactly what I want to offer you.

When you download the free eBook, you’ll take the first step in transforming the way your family navigates emotions. And when you see how much your child connects with Worley, you might just find yourself wanting to explore even more inside our membership community.

So, are you ready to start this journey with us?

We’d love you to follow us on Facebook and Instagram. Download your free eBook today, and let’s bring Worley into your family’s world today!

Jodi and Worley x

Head to the homepage to read the latest articles.

I’d been off for a while following my mum having a stroke. When I went back to work, everything had changed. It was the start of 2021 and we were still in the midst of Covid-19. Unfortunately, I didn’t receive the support I needed to get me back up to speed and I felt like I had no idea how to do my job.

I worked as a legal adviser in a courtroom. It was a stressful job at the best of times. But due to adoption leave and sick leave, at the start of 2021, I’d been away from work for 18 of the previous 24 months. Things had changed so much because of Covid. Despite having over twenty years of courtroom experience, I was left feeling like I was completely incompetent.

Panic attacks

I felt like I was on the verge of a panic attack most of the time and would come out of court ringing with sweat. I’d start to give advice in court and my mind would go completely blank. I thought all of this was because I’d lost my confidence due to the amount of time I’d been off.

It was clear I wasn’t going to get the support I needed from management, and was actually told that the trainees (who were 20+ years younger than me) were being given priority for support over me. I felt completely useless and that I couldn’t do my job anymore.

So, with nothing other than the beginnings of a writing business, I handed my notice in and left my job. I felt like I had no choice. I was becoming ill because I felt that I wasn’t capable of doing my job. So I left.

I knew things wouldn’t be a bed of roses straight away, but I felt a huge sense of relief at not having to go back into that environment. I had some work and was confident I’d soon have more.

Noticing menopause symptoms

I was sitting at my desk writing one day a few weeks later when the penny dropped. I was feeling relaxed and enjoying my work when I felt a warm feeling start in the pit of my stomach. It gradually moved up my body, front and back until it got to my neck. I felt like I’d been hit by a bus. I cried my heart out for the next 30 minutes or so and had absolutely no idea why. Then, as quickly as it came on, it passed.

After a frantic search on Google, I realised I’d had a hot flush. And then I realised that is what I’d been experiencing at work. And that a lot of how I’d been feeling over the last few years were probably perimenopause symptoms.

What is perimenopause and menopause?

Perimenopause is the time leading up to your periods stopping. Not everyone will experience symptoms during this time, but a lot of people do. These range from being mild to affecting daily life and can start many years before your periods stop. I think I was 45 when I first started experiencing them. I was 49 when I connected the dots.

You reach menopause when you haven’t had a period for 12 months. Symptoms can start many years before you reach menopause and continue afterwards.

The main symptoms of perimenopause

• anxiety
• changes in mood – such as low mood or irritability
• changes in skin conditions, including dryness or increase in oiliness and onset of adult acne
• difficulty sleeping – this may make you feel tired and irritable during the day
• discomfort during sex
• feelings of loss of self
• hair loss or thinning
• headaches or migraines
• hot flushes – short, sudden feelings of heat, usually in the face, neck and chest, which can make your skin red and sweaty
• increase in facial hair
• joint stiffness, aches and pains
• loss of self-confidence
• night sweats – hot flushes that occur at night
• palpitations – heartbeats that suddenly become more noticeable
• problems with memory, concentration and ‘brain fog’
• recurrent urinary tract infections (UTIs), such as cystitis, and for some, this may be linked to bladder changes or incontinence, which makes understanding different types of incontinence especially useful
• reduced sex drive (libido)
• tinnitus
• vaginal dryness and pain

For me, anxiety, hot flushes and brain fog were the worst. But because there was a lot going on in my life during that time (bereavement, becoming a parent again, a global pandemic) I just assumed that everything I was feeling was down to that. Some of it will have been. But I’m pretty sure that the vast majority of the symptoms were due to perimenopause.

I didn’t go to my GP straight away because I wanted to monitor things. Over the next few months, I experienced crippling anxiety for about five days before my period, for a few days after it started until a few days after it stopped. I was getting about a week of feeling ok before the cycle started again.

Talking about menopause

Menopause is still a subject that isn’t talked about enough. Things are getting better and many large companies and Government departments have menopause policies. But they’re only any good if staff and in particular, managers, are aware of them.

The Government department I worked for has one. But I didn’t know that at the time. It’s something that all women should have been made aware of, regardless of their age.

It’s something I’m going to talk to my girls about when they’re older. I didn’t have any conversations with my mum about it either as a teen or adult. Make sure you educate yourself about the symptoms, whatever your age. A lot are common to everyday life. But if you start to experience one or two of them, it’s worth going to speak to your GP.

There isn’t a single test you can take so your GP will take into account things like your menstrual cycle, your age, your symptoms and their severity and regularity. Blood tests won’t conclusively say whether you’re perimenopausal as your hormone levels fluctuate throughout the month.

My GP was lovely. I was convinced she’d say everything I was experiencing was just life and that I should just get on with it. She didn’t. She listened and said that everything pointed to perimenopause.

Treatment for perimenopause and menopause

A lot will depend on your symptoms and the impact they are having on your daily life. Some people find natural remedies, exercise and a change in their diet keep their symptoms at bay.

The most common medication is Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT). This involves taking oestrogen because your body stops making as much when you experience peri and menopause. If you have a womb, this must be taken with progesterone to protect the womb lining from the effects of taking oestrogen.

The form it takes varies. I have patches which I replace twice a week. I have two weeks of oestrogen and then two weeks of progesterone patches. They are worn below your waist, stuck to your skin. I find mine work best on my bum cheek or the side of my hip. Depending on your history, you may be prescribed HRT in tablet form or in a coil. Sometimes, people have a combination.

It takes about a month for HRT to start to work, but it can be very effective in controlling symptoms such as hot flushes, brain fog, joint pains, mood swings and vaginal dryness. I honestly felt like a new woman once my patches started to work. It wasn’t until they did that I realised how bad my symptoms had been.

HRT pre-payment certificate

As with all medication, there is a risk. But generally, HRT is an extremely safe treatment for menopause. The cost of receiving it has recently reduced thanks to the introduction of the HRT pre-payment certificate. It costs £19.30 and covers most HRT for a year. That’s a big saving as each of my prescriptions count as two because they contain two different hormones.

Other treatments include anti-depressants, blood pressure or epilepsy medicines, oestrogen tablets or gel (with HRT), cognitive behavioural therapy and testosterone gel. Eating calcium-rich foods such as kale and yoghurts helps to keep your bones healthy.

So, if you think you might be experiencing perimenopause symptoms, make an appointment with your GP. They’ll take through all of your treatment options, including the risks and benefits of each one.

If you enjoyed reading this article, why not buy me a coffee to show your support for the magazine? If you’d like to read more articles about adoption, head over to the home page and have a look at what’s new.

I can still remember the sheer panic I felt when the first lockdown was announced. I know a lot of people relished the idea of being at home. Many embarked on a huge clear-out of their homes. Some took up banana bread making. Others took to gardening. I took to panicking. It’s something I became an expert in very quickly.

In March 2020, I’d been back at work for just over five months after a year of adoption leave with our youngest daughter. I had just about got back on my feet at work when our lives were plunged into chaos when we were told we had to stay at home.

I worked as a legal adviser in Magistrates’ courts and at that time, all of my job was in a courtroom. The majority of hearing types were cancelled. But we still had to run courts for people who were being held in custody. That meant I still had to go in to work once a week.

I felt like I was part of the film “The Next 28 Days” every time I went in. I was terrified of touching anything. Or being near anyone. The wave of panic that engulfed me every time I went to work meant I felt like I had no idea how to do my job.

Write it down

Fast forward a few years and my mental health is definitely still affected by that time. I find it difficult to look at photos I took during the first few weeks of lockdown. They bring back a feeling of complete panic and helplessness.

Life for me is still very complicated and overwhelming. I knew I needed something to help me feel like I was in control again that didn’t take up much time. I love to write and definitely find writing how I feel helps to get my worries out of my head. When life feels challenging, it can be easy to get engulfed by all of the negatives and forget about the good things.

I was interested in finding out whether regularly writing down things like my feelings, goals, self-care, and things I’m grateful for would help lift my mood. So, I jumped at the chance to try out Happybyme‘s 12-week happiness planner to see if it would fit the bill for me.

The planner lifted my mood as soon as I opened the parcel as its cover is a beautiful bright yellow. It felt like a little ray of sunshine on a grey and rainy day. The planner is designed to help you focus on the things that make you happy by writing them down daily. It’s created by positive psychologists using research and science to help you improve your well-being in fun, easy ways.

How journalling can improve your mental health

The first few pages of the planner guide you through looking at what makes you happy and satisfied in your life. This involves completing a life wheel and looking at your core values which help you to identify what you’re working towards.

The rest of the planner is broken down into weeks. Each week starts with you identifying your values, what is most important that week, what is non-negotiable, and the things you want to do for yourself.

Taking a few minutes at the start of each week to do this really does help to identify what’s important to me. It’s very easy to start the week with the best of intentions, but then forget about things as life gets in the way. Writing them down is a great reminder of the little things I can do that makes me feel better. Like going for a walk, taking a bath, or just finding 10 minutes in my day to read a couple of pages of my book or magazine.

The end of each week has a page to reflect. Again, taking a few minutes to fill this in has helped me build on what’s gone well, and reflect on the little things that bring me joy. My daughter said to me over the weekend that hugging me always makes her feel better. Hugging her (and her sister) is one of my greatest joys in life. Even on the worst days, I will always be grateful for that. Recording how hugs make me feel and being able to read them when things feel tough, is a great mood booster.

I’ve been using the planner for a few weeks now, and I can feel the difference. Finding little pockets of time to do things on my own, or with my family, feels much more achievable. Having everything written down reminds me of what makes me feel good and why.

Happybyme

The ethos of Happybyme resonates with me a lot. This time last year I walked away from a successful 20+ year career and the financial security it brought because it wasn’t making me happy. Whilst Covid brought a lot of negative things into my life, it also gave me the gift of reflection.

I realised that continuing on my expected career path was never going to bring me joy and fulfilment. Walking away from my career is the scariest and most difficult thing I’ve ever done, not least because of the lack of financial stability. But it’s given me the chance to re-evaluate what happiness and success mean to me.

It’s the simple things like taking my kids to school and finding out about their day on the way home. Having the time to listen to them read. And spending time with my mum. Or taking her to medical appointments without having to ask someone if it’s ok for me to take leave. Those are the things that make me happy. Using the happiness planner has helped me realise that too.

To find out more Happybyme, head over to their website. I was kindly gifted a copy of the planner so I could try it out and write this review.

If you enjoyed reading this article, why not buy me a coffee to help keep the magazine free for everyone to read? If you’d like to read more articles about adoption, health and well-being, and parenting, head over to the home page and have a look at what’s new.

Yes, it’s that time of year again where we all have a go at giving up the booze. For some of us it’s easy, life changing in fact. For others we last about a week before that bottle of wine that’s been staring at us on the shelf gets cracked open.

Dry January can be an enlightening experience, not to mention being great for your health. It can be a good indicator of our relationships with alcohol and whether we need alcohol help or we can take it or leave it with no problem at all.

Many of us have tried and succeeded – here are some top tips to help you navigate dry January in the most effective way possible…

Get rid of alcohol at home

It may sound an obvious one, but actually few people rid the cupboards of alcohol when trying to do dry January, after all, it can be expensive.

However, having alcohol in the home is more likely to lead to temptation and finally caving in. So if you can, rid your home of it, or at least the drinks you are likely to consume more frequently. You might be fine leaving the expensive bottle of champagne you’re saving for a special occasion where it is.

Make alternative arrangements to the pub

While the pub or bars might be the regular hangout spot for you and your friends, make alternative arrangements in January that don’t involve alcohol. Firstly, it will help you to avoid drinking any, but secondly you’ll also have more fun.

There are so many great activities to enjoy that don’t involve alcohol. It could bring you closer together as a friendship group and help introduce you to a healthier hobby that you’ll enjoy way beyond the month of January.

Create a Dry January team

You’ll get much more gratification out of doing dry January if there’s a group of you doing it. You’ll feel like you are a part of a team, in it together and get encouragement and support to see it through to the end.

You can meet up regularly, form text groups and share your progress as you navigate the month, and come January you can also review how you feel from doing it, whether it’s something you are going to continue, or whether it’s time for a well deserved “cheers” with all your buddies that have been through it together.

Head over to the health and well-being section to read more about creating healthy habits.

Being able to fit in exercise is something I thought would be so much easier when I started working for myself. But so far, it hasn’t worked out like that. I’ve had to accept that at the moment, I can’t get up early enough to exercise before the school run. And now that the nights are longer and it gets dark earlier, exercising in an evening doesn’t work for me either.

That leaves during the day when the kids are at school. Despite my best intentions, it just isn’t happening for me. I’m still in the early days of my business and I feel like I need to be working on or in it, all of the time. And at the moment, I feel that I can’t justify spending time exercising during the day.

So, what’s the solution? I need to do something to keep my body and my mind healthy and the longer I leave doing anything, the harder it will be to get back into it. Here’s some options I’ve found for exercising at work.

Work out at your desk

This is an option I hadn’t thought of but on the face of it, it ticks all the boxes. Perhaps one of the benefits of lockdown and more people working from home, is that the fitness equipment industry has created products that we can use at our desks.

There’s a range of equipment you can buy that’s designed to be used at a desk. I like the idea of getting a cardio workout while I’m typing by using desk exercise equipment such as a stepper or minibike. The beauty of these machines is that they fit under your desk and can be used easily while you’re there. If I’m focused on work, I don’t want to have to get up to access a piece of equipment so these desk machines would be perfect.

A walking desk

Unfortunately, a walking desk doesn’t do the exercise for you, but lets you walk (or run) while you work at your computer. At first glance, this is an expensive option. But with many of us now being given the flexibility to work from home and an equipment allowance, this is a sound investment if you’re serious about improving your fitness while you work.

I would imagine it takes a bit of practice to be able to jog and type at the same time, but if you’re an experienced runner, this may be a great option. Running isn’t my thing, but I love to walk and like the sound of this. So, it’s on my wish-list.

A stand-up desk

Standing up while you work can help to improve your circulation and posture. It’s unlikely you’ll be able to go straight into a day of standing but building up gradually and even doing an hour a day will be of benefit. You’ll need a desk that’s adjustable so you can get it at the right level for you.

If you’re feeling in need of an added challenge, why not add a balancing board into the mix? They’re great to use with a standing desk and can help to improve your brain function, balance, and develop core muscles.

Desk exercises

If you don’t want to buy any equipment, there’s a lot of exercising you can do at your desk. You could try wall or desk push-ups; calf raises and knee squats; or triceps stretches and neck rolls. There are many blog posts and online desk workouts you can try that are free.

I’d love to know whether you exercise at your desk and if you do, what do you enjoy the most? It’s definitely something I need to start doing to help improve my health and well-being.

But going to things like toddler clubs, are such an important part of life for many new parents. They can be a lifeline to the outside world and the chance to grab a cuppa and have some much-needed adult company.

Mindful of the strain on family budgets at the moment, Sara and Emily, the co-founders of multi-award winning parenting platform Happity, are keen to raise awareness about the free or low-cost support networks available for new parents, all over the country.

What is Happity?

Happity is the UK’s only platform dedicated exclusively to parent and child classes. It’s a baby and toddler directory that allows parents to easily navigate and book local classes which support both their baby’s development and their own mental health. It’s a lifeline to hundreds of thousands of new parents every single year.

The platform supports local businesses (many of whom are mums) by offering parenting groups and classes the option to list for free or become a paid member. It lists over 22,000 weekly activities and has now expanded to reach even more parents in need across the UK.

Happity has recently expanded to 17 new cities including Birmingham, Nottingham, and Leeds, making the total it covers 20. The ‘Under £2’ filter helps parents to quickly locate a range of completely free or low-cost activities in their area. These usually take place in public buildings such as libraries and churches.

The importance of baby and toddler classes

“As mums ourselves we know how important these classes are for socialisation and development, not to mention the community building for parents which is key for mental health. That’s why we have focused on listing as many free and cheap activities in our newly launched cities, so everyone can find something to do with their child” says co-founder Emily Tredget.

Sara and Emily were driven to set up the platform by the loneliness and postnatal depression they experienced in the early days of becoming a mum. Despite having no tech experience, mum of two Sara was determined to solve a real problem that she and many other mums were facing. There was no technology out there for parents to quickly find and book baby classes nearest to them.

So, Sara retrained as a web developer. She navigated shared parental leave with her five-month-old baby and Happity was born to connect parents with local services and playgroups.

Supporting maternal mental health

The platform is also known for its efforts to support maternal mental health. During the pandemic, they campaigned to allow access to vital parent and child classes, as well as calling on the government to support the baby and toddler activity industry. This saw them being nominated for a Your UK Parliament award for their efforts in changing legislation to allow these groups to stay open.

Happity is the UK’s only exclusive parenting platform for those under 5. It has just been awarded the Small Biz 100, adding to previous accolades of being nominated for the petition campaign of the year award and being on the Women in software power list.

To find out more about Happity and look up which cities it covers, click here.

Click here to read more parenting articles.

The reality is far from that when we ask for help. But I think when you’ve been through so much to become a parent, you’re terrified that something will go wrong. If you are struggling, talk to someone. Ask for help. There’s so much support available from lots of different places. Keri’s suggested a few places who provide help and support at the bottom of her post.

You can read Keri’s journey to meeting her son here and if you don’t follow her on Instagram already, go and say hello.

I managed to hold it together long enough to get back to my car. That’s when I burst into tears. It had taken me over a year to find the courage to ask for help. To admit to a professional that I was struggling with my mental health after adopting the most beautiful baby boy to have ever existed.

I poured my heart out to the GP, telling him how I was emotional, angry, stressed, and not the parent I wanted to be. He began to write down a phone number for a free-to-access CBT service (which was already no longer being offered) as he told me “You’re probably just resentful of having to look after a child that isn’t yours”.

Post-adoption depression was discussed only briefly in our pre-adoption training. We were told it existed, and it was slowly being recognised. But that was it. I wasn’t given any resources about what to do if I didn’t feel perfect. Or signposted to anywhere that might be able to support, other than the Local Authority’s own Post-Adoption Support Team.

But here’s the issue with that; if you’re struggling with depression, the last people you want to contact are social workers. Because having only very positive interactions with social workers throughout the adoption process, admitting I was struggling to them just felt like lighting an emergency flare to say “HEY, I’M NOT OK AND SO NEITHER IS THIS CHILD YOU TRUSTED ME WITH!”.

My mental health declined immediately once my son was placed with me. But it took time to recognise it. His first night with me was torture. I didn’t sleep for fear he would wake up and I wouldn’t hear him. I put this down as normal parenting worries, and to some extent it was. But it persisted.

Despite everything I was told about keeping his routine the same as it was with his foster carer, I decided that the bedtime routine needed to change. I couldn’t put this 13 month old little boy in his cot and leave him to cry and self-soothe when I was trying to teach him what no matter what, I’d be there for him.

So, every night, I would take him to his bedroom, sit on the floor in the dark with him whilst he had a warm bottle of milk, cradling him until he was asleep, and then very carefully place him in his cot. Where he would immediately wake up and scream. I’d repeat the routine until it worked, and then carefully commando-crawl across his bedroom floor so as not to wake him up.

This is normal parenting, and most parents can relate to this, but I felt like such a failure. I’d been told repeatedly what a good sleeper he was. And yet here he was, in my care and not sleeping. Looking at it objectively I knew it was because he was completely traumatised from moving from his foster placement to his new home. But I couldn’t separate his behaviour from my failures as a mother.

I eventually managed to fall asleep, but even the slightest whimper or sign over the baby monitor would have me waking in a cold sweat. I had panic attacks that he would wake up and I wouldn’t be able to get him back to sleep. I couldn’t imagine anything more horrific. It felt like the worst thing that could possibly happen. And it happened a lot.

He also wouldn’t eat. Not the solid food I’d been told he enjoyed. Or the baby porridge that he’d still have for breakfast in foster care. He was 13 months old and surviving on milk, with the occasional Greek yogurt with honey. I tried everything I could. Encouraging him to feed himself, ensuring we had the same meals and that we ate together, leaving food on the side within his reach and allowing him to just wander up to it and have it when he was ready.

I lost count of the times I sat on my kitchen floor and cried as another plate of beans had been launched at the wall. I tried feeding him exactly the same meals he was used to, down to the same brand baby ready meals. He refused them all. I tried my best to ensure that meal times were not a battle. But I was completely unable to relax.

And therein lies the problem; our children pick up on our anxieties. He knew I had no confidence in myself as a mother. And so he had no confidence in me either. Whilst this is probably true for any new parent struggling with a child, the difference is that my son had spent his first year with a very competent foster family who met his needs. And then he lost them and moved in with a stranger who he didn’t believe could look after him.

The guilt was immense and multifaceted. I couldn’t admit out loud that I was struggling because I was sure the response I would get was “but this is what you wanted?”. I had gone through so much to get my son and become his mother and the thought of admitting I was not coping seemed so ungrateful for this amazing gift I’d been given.

I also felt guilty about the fact that so many children are removed from birth parents before they’re even given the opportunity to parent due to concerns that they wouldn’t cope. Here was this beautiful child who’d been given to a parent who couldn’t cope. I didn’t deserve him.

The guilt ate away at me. I would spend hours just looking at his perfect face and falling head over heels in love with him, thinking “one day soon they are going to realise I can’t do this, and I will lose you forever”.

It made me feel constantly sick with anxiety, that I was only ever one misstep away from losing him.

All of this was magnified by the fact that as a newly adoptive parent, you really try to keep your world small in order not to overwhelm your new child. You’re advised not to have family or friends around. My parents had already booked a holiday that coincided with the first two weeks of placement. I didn’t want to tell them how hard I was finding it because I didn’t want to spoil their time away or make them feel guilty for leaving.

My best friend stepped up like the hero she is. She came round to sit in the garden and make sure I was ok. Or to help me escape for a walk when things got really tough. She was the first of my friends to meet my son. Sooner than I had anticipated but it was completely necessary to keep me from having a breakdown. Entire afternoons were spent in her living room whilst our sons played together and we drank coffee. She reassured me that I could do this.

She was right. Slowly but surely I became more confident in my parenting abilities. It took a lot of time. It was nine months before he finally ate a home cooked meal. His sleep at least got better sooner rather than later. The sleep gave me enough mental clarity to understand that I needed professional help.

Despite the first doctor I saw dismissing me (and telling me my child was not really mine, which I obviously put in a formal complaint about), the second was much more understanding. They immediately provided the right support – a combination of CBT and a low dose of anti-depressants. I no longer felt ashamed of my struggle and I recognised that both me and my son had been traumatised by the circumstances that brought us together.

My mental health is still an ongoing battle. I’m still on the anti-depressants. A higher dose than when I was first diagnosed with anxiety and depression, and I’ve recently started another round of CBT. But for the most part, I feel confident in my parenting, which means that the relationship between my son and I is stronger than I ever imagined it could be.

I still have wobbles.  I took him to a forest back in April, and we got lost and had no way of finding our way back to the car other than to hope for the best. I cried myself to sleep that night believing I had some nerve calling myself a mother. That the most basic thing I should be doing in keeping him safe was beyond my capabilities. But on a day-to-day basis, I look at my son and see that he is happy, healthy, loving, kind, caring, thoughtful, and intelligent. I recognise that I have at least played some part in this.

If you’re struggling with your mental health following adoption, here are some resources that can help:

• Adoption UK are always here for you and can signpost you to the relevant support
• The Child Psychology Service have provided an understanding of so many of the issues facing new adoptive parents, which can hopefully help you to realise you’re not alone
• Your LA/VA Post-Adoption Support Team (I mentioned how scary this feels, but I promise they will support you and not judge you – mine have been a fantastic support)
• The #adoptionuk community on Instagram
• Me! I will be your village. Find me on Instagram at @kezzabods and I promise you that if you reach out and ask for support, I have got you.

I knew about postnatal depression. At least I thought I knew about it. I’d always assumed it was caused by hormones after giving birth. Therefore, it wasn’t relevant to me because I hadn’t given birth.

I didn’t know the signs of post-adoption depression, so it wasn’t on my radar at all after our youngest came home. Looking back, I should’ve asked for help then, when I did some research and thought it might be what I was experiencing. I think post-adoption depression was the start of a gradual and then significant decline in my mental health which ultimately led to me burning out last summer.

Mental Health Awareness

It’s maternal mental health awareness week and there’s been a lot of discussion about post-adoption depression within the #ukadoptioncommunity on Instagram. It’s clear that there’s a lack of awareness about it and it’s something that isn’t always covered as part of adoption training. It needs to be.

I’m grateful to Molly for writing this article about PAD which explains what it is and where you can get help and support from. You can follow Molly on Instagram or YouTube

Going into the adoption process, post-adoption depression wasn’t something I had ever heard about. I had previous mental health struggles in my school years and after having my biological daughter. Our social worker was keen to explore post-adoption depression with us and prepare us for the signs to look out for and the available support.

What to look out for

I was surprised to find that the symptoms of post-adoption depression are incredibly similar to postnatal depression. The feelings of anxiety, panic, and guilt along with the physical symptoms of stomach aches, migraines, and lack of energy were all things I had experienced postnatally.

As a proactive advocate for parental mental health, I was shocked to learn the majority of adoptive parents had never heard of post-adoption depression. So many adopters came forward stating they felt ashamed to access support because they felt they didn’t qualify for it simply because they had adopted. I knew something needed to change and there needed to be more aware of post-adoption deposit-adoption sessions.

In my experience of both pregnancy and adoption, there are so many more contributing factors that would make post-adoption depression likely in new adopters. These can vary from the reality of placement not meeting expectations, the adoption process bringing up recurrent grief, or identifying with the loss your children may suffer.

Signs of post-adoption depression can be present throughout the process, soon after placement, or even later down the line dependent on the triggers. It’s more likely to impact adopters who have experienced mental health issues in the past. Because of my previous mental health issues, my husband and I did extensive research on the topic for our homework tasks throughout the adoption assessment process.

Post-adoption depression

We were stunned to learn just how many contributing factors can potentially trigger post-adoption depression. We found a great fact sheet from Adoption UK with useful information. Some of the many are:

• Experiencing the emotional rollercoasters of being matched with a child
• Therapeutic parenting challenges
• Normal parenting issues such as adjusting to new lifestyles, lack of energy and sleep, and the sudden increase in responsibility
• The intensity of the adoption assessment process
• Challenges of parenting a child who is traumatised
• Experiencing secondary trauma, blocked care, or compassion fatigue

Personal support plan

A really beneficial step that our social worker asked us to take, was creating a personal support plan each. Our personal support plans listed who will give us emotional support and practical support; who or what makes us smile; how we plan to reflect upon small successes; where and how we will access mental health support; who can recognise signs of post-adoption depression; and how we planned to continue a positive relationship with both of our children.

Having a personal support plan in place is something I recommend for all prospective adopters. My plan equipped me for the challenges of adoption and therapeutic parenting. My husband and I reference our plans often and thanks to our research into post-adoption depression, are quick to raise concerns with each other.

Fortunately, I haven’t experienced post-adoption depression, but have experienced struggles with some of the contributing factors. For months I’ve struggled to process the amount of loss that comes with adoption. I identify with the feelings of loss for my son’s birth family and find myself grieving for the losses he will one day endure when learning about his story and his identity. This quickly led to blocked care and compassion fatigue and I was constantly drained and lacked empathy in my parenting.

I went back to my support plan and chose to access post-adoption support. I self-referred to the NHS IAPT service to ensure I can process these challenges with professional support. As an adoptive parent, I am proud of myself for engaging with support. I know it’s the right step to take for me to be the best parent I can be to both of my children.

Support

It’s vital that as adopters we know we have a right to access mental health support for post-adoption depression and any mental health struggle associated with the contributing factors. It’s difficult to comprehend that parents through adoption are not able to be fast-tracked through mental health services simply because we lack the hormonal changes associated with pregnancy and birth. Whilst this needs to change, some of the support currently available can be accessed through the Adoption UK helpline, your child’s post-adoption support team, and some NHS services.