To help us all find the support we need, I’m going to publish some articles which highlight resources available for some of the issues children who’ve experienced early life trauma sometimes experience. The first of these articles is written by the brilliant Ali who is the mum behind @thefizzykids Ali’s created some great resources which she shares on her website and via her Podcast and newsletter.

In this article, she shares the journey her family have been on which has resulted in them learning a new parenting language to support their children. Ali’s writing a book about their experience. You’ll find details of where to buy some of the chapters in the article.

Change your language, and you change your thoughts (Karl Albrecht)

Like many people who have been through a tough time, there was something compelling about taking pen to paper and starting to write it all down. Way back in time (like, January 2020….well that feels like way back in time with everything that has happened doesn’t it?!), I started writing a book called ‘Don’t Calm Down’ to try and bring together my family’s story and everything we’d learnt about living with and loving traumatised kids with learning difficulties.

It started messily – just a download of feelings and incidents pouring out onto the page.  There wasn’t much about why we adopted, or the adoption process or those first magical moments we captured on camera and in our hearts. If I’m honest, it was all about the years after that which appeared quite unexpectedly; the years of some really dark days as we started to grasp the full reality of helping our children through their trauma and beginning to understand and accept the challenges our children would face in everyday life because of their special needs.

It was raw, it was honest, but that made it incredibly cathartic.  Within eight weeks I’d written 40,000 words.  When I stopped to re-read it I was a little shocked. How could I have not thought that we would have to deal with some of this stuff?

We’d spent a year being grilled by social workers in order to be ‘deemed fit’ as adopters; we’d been on all those courses that show you photos of kid’s brains who have been traumatised; we’d read all the books; we’d connected with other adopters.  And yet somehow, all of that got lost in the first few busy years of life with babies and toddlers when you’re focused on the next feed and nap.

And of course, when they were tiny, they couldn’t talk back! They couldn’t tell us how they were really feeling!  They were probably in ‘freeze’ mode that the experts talk about – frozen in time at the point of going into foster care or adoption and simply hiding those enormous experiences and emotions that go with them.

A new parenting language

During those difficult years, we went on an amazing journey that crafted a new set of parenting skills as we re-learned to be the parents our kids needed us to be.  Our breakthrough moment came as we realised we needed to learn a new parenting language. One that spoke to the trauma, the anger, the grief; not one that shamed or judged or shouted.

And so I refined the book to focus not on the bad days, but on what we’d learnt as a result of the bad days. I did this in the hope it may help just one other person or family to have one better day in the midst of chaos, meltdowns, traumatic outpourings or self-esteem issues.

Like many optimistic writers, I would love to see the full book published someday! Until then, I have turned it into chapters that will help parents of kids with higher emotional or special needs, understand why a new parenting language and approach may be effective. There are also specific chapters on How to Talk to the Angry Child and How to Talk to the Anxious Child.

All chapters can be downloaded on our website: Book – Fizzy Kids and the Introduction is free. I hope to add more chapters over time on language to prevent shaming a child and how to talk to a rude and hyperactive child.

Changing our language really did change the way we viewed our kids’ big feelings and resulting big behaviours and also helped us stay regulated in the face of those very fizzy moments.

You can read more about Ali’s journey in this interview and in this article about The Fizzy Kids Podcast.

Was a support plan agreed as part of matching or when your children were placed?

We have two girls (sisters) and as far as I remember, there was no support plan as part of matching/placement.

How long after your children had been home, did you realise you needed some extra support?

We realised within the first month that we’d need help and extra support.  We were led to believe that both children were happy little girls and showed no signs of trauma or any other behavioural or emotional issues. 

But it became apparent quickly that something wasn’t right with our eldest.  She was wild, spent a lot of time on her head, threw massive tantrums which we were unable to bring her out of, and night times were so troubling and disturbing.

Who did you contact to obtain help?

We rang our adoption agency (ARC Adoption). One of the main reasons we chose ARC as our agency was because they offered support at every stage of the process – both during and post-adoption. Our social worker during the adoption process had left the LA and we’d never met our new one so we felt more confident contacting ARC.

Did you get a quick response?

Immediately. As in as soon as I called, they put me through to a post-adoption support worker.

What happened next?

Within the week we were speaking with a clinical psychologist who worked with ARC to help us try and understand our eldest’s behaviour and how best to parent her.  We then had regular visits from a post-adoption support worker and a family support worker.

Did you feel like your concerns were taken seriously?

Absolutely. They were taken extremely seriously. They could see how rock bottom we were and how much we wanted to help our eldest.  I really don’t know where we’d be right now if hadn’t had the support of ARC.

What type of support were you offered?

Initially, we did some work with ARC using theraplay. This carried on for around six to eight weekly sessions.  During this time, we were told about Nurturing Families, an independent service that provides therapeutic interventions and support, particularly with children in adoptive placements.

Once we read more about them and met with one of the practitioners, we knew it was something that we wanted to try.  ARC contacted our social worker and a meeting was held with our social worker, Nurturing Families, and me.  Our social worker supported the actions and completed a request to access the Adoption Support Fund (ASF).

Was there a waiting list or did you start quite quickly?

We started therapy within the month, continuing with the support from ARC in the interim.

Once the support started, did it help in the way you needed it to?

The support was given to me and my partner only for the first eight months.  It was felt that we needed a lot of information, a change of direction in our parenting, and general support to make us feel confident as parents.  We really were rock bottom and felt utterly useless as parents.

The support we received was amazing. Our therapist built us up and gave us the confidence to take on therapeutic parenting.  After around a year the therapy moved to include our eldest.  Unfortunately, we only managed a couple of months of this therapy before COVID hit, and sessions had to stop. I continued parenting sessions with Nurturing Families during lockdown via Zoom.

Is the support ongoing or was it for a specific number of sessions or period of time?

The support is ongoing.  We have accessed the ASF twice, and a new application has recently gone in for further funding for the coming year.

What would your advice be to anyone nervous about asking for support?

My advice would be for any prospective adopter to do a lot of research about post-adoption support with the agency they’re considering, before signing up.  ARC seemed by far the best agency for us when we did our research.  We didn’t think we’d ever need post-adoption support, but knowing it was there was peace of mind.

If you need help, then don’t ever feel afraid or embarrassed to ask for it.  We felt like complete failures having to ask for help, but our agency was amazing.

Absolutely every adoptive parent will have felt like they needed help at some point. You are never alone in your thoughts! I’m aware that many adopters don’t have the experience we’ve had and that upsets and worries me.  It shouldn’t be like that. Adopters should be offered whatever they need to aid their parenting.

If you enjoyed reading this article, why not buy me a coffee to help keep the magazine free for everyone to read? If you’d like to read more articles about adoption, parenting health and well-being, and eco-swaps, head over to the home page and have a look at what’s new.

I thought it would be helpful to read about other adopters’ experiences of accessing post-adoption support. The good and the bad. And any tips for making it an easier process.

This interview with Christina was first published in 2021 where she shares the support she and her family have accessed. You can read all about her journey to meeting her beautiful and inspiring daughter J, here. J has complex disabilities as a result of her early life experiences.

Was a support plan agreed as part of matching / when your child was placed?

No is the simple answer to this. We were young and naïve in regards to the process, completely unaware of our rights and what we could request. Despite reading in document after document that our daughter was at high risk of placement breakdown throughout her life and had complex and challenging needs, there was no support or long-term plan put in place for us as a family.

Instead, time after time we nervously await the government’s announcement regarding the Adoption Support Fund (ASF) and wonder where it will leave us if this fund ever gets stopped.

How long after your child had been home, did you realise you needed some extra support?

It was the social worker who first offered us access to support. She had come across a leaflet about a local adoption charity who were holding a sensory integration event by Sarah Lloyd. We attended this course and Sarah Lloyd and the occupational therapists from the charity recommended that we request some sensory integration therapy. We actually accessed the adoption support fund twice before we even had our court order.

About a year later, during what I can only describe as the worst summer holidays we’ve experienced, everything got too much. I put my pride behind me and we asked for support.

Who did you contact to obtain help?

I contacted our social worker who had taken us through the adoption process. She was always at the end of the phone to talk so I thought she was the best person to start with.

Did you get a quick response?

The response did take a little longer than I expected, considering I was crying out for help. I was called back after about two weeks. My social worker explained that she had been on annual leave and they felt it was important for her to pick up with us due to our daughters’ complex history and needs. It would’ve helped us greatly if this had been communicated to us.

What happened next?

Our social worker arranged to visit us. We had moved two hours away from where we originally lived due to the financial implications of my being unable to return to work, and the extra costs around having a child with complex needs. We moved to an area that was more affordable for us. This did not phase our social worker and she very quickly hopped on a train to meet us.

It was very informal. She talked through our struggles and what we were looking for. She asked to visit the school to look around and spent a few minutes saying hello to our daughter. She very quickly applied to the ASF for a trauma and developmental assessment which took place in a timely manner.

Did you feel like your concerns were taken seriously? If not, did you stick with that organisation or did you go somewhere else?

I was worried, as most parents would, that our daughter’s behaviour and struggles would be brushed off. That they would say we were bad parents or that her needs were normal for a child her age. But I was completely wrong.

The organisation that carried out the trauma and developmental assessment was AMAZING! They could not have been more understanding. They were so reassuring and understanding. When we received the written report, they just got everything. Nothing was missed.

From the small snippets of her life they’d seen, they were able to confirm that the behaviour we experienced was a result of her long-term childhood trauma. They diagnosed attachment disorder, complex developmental trauma, PTSD, and severe disassociation. But best of all, they put a plan together. We couldn’t have asked for any more.

It was like a massive weight had been lifted. We want our daughter to have as near normal childhood and adulthood as possible and this could really help.

What type of support were you offered?

As a result of the trauma and developmental assessment, we were advised to start long-term intense Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy (DDP). This currently happens weekly over Zoom due to the pandemic.

We were not very optimistic about therapy via Zoom but we knew we had to give it a try. Although we know it is a long, slow process, there have been some slight improvements already in our attachment in the few months we’ve been attending.

Was there a waiting list or did you start quite quickly?

There were a couple of months wait for the trauma and developmental assessment, but the DDP therapy started very quickly.

Once the support started, did it help in the way you needed it to?

The sensory therapy was positive. We’ve just had six months off where we have continued to do the therapy home-based and we are now applying to restart another block of sensory integration therapy.

The DDP therapy is a long slow process and we’re prepared to be in this for the long haul. But we’re excited by the results so far. We know that there is no magic wand that can be waved but anything that can help our daughter process her trauma and form better attachments to us is a win.

Is the support ongoing or was it for a specific number of sessions or period?

The sensory therapy was once a month for a block of six months. It was then recommended by the therapist that we take six months off and go back again for another six months. Now we are trying to get this funded again but it is proving more difficult.

The DDP therapy takes up all of the ASF money. The placing LA has already had to match fund quite a substantial amount of money last year and we are asking them to do this again for this coming year.

The DDP therapy is ongoing which is every week for 1-1.5 hours for the foreseeable future. It is reviewed every year to check on the progress and that it is still the appropriate therapy.

What would your advice be to anyone nervous about asking for support?

Please don’t be nervous. Put your pride behind you and ask for help. Once I got past asking for the first time, there was no stopping me. I will fight to get my daughter absolutely anything she needs. I am a social worker’s worst nightmare! I always think back to our matching panel, where I promised I would do everything within my power to advocate for this little girl. So that’s exactly what I will do.

I honestly believe that the therapy our daughter is currently receiving should have been started a long time ago. I think it’s so important for social workers to start looking into the therapies they believe a child may require when with their forever family, early on, rather than waiting for a family to be in crisis.

There have been times when social workers felt the support I was asking for wasn’t right for my daughter. Or they’ve questioned her diagnosis of FASD or told me I would never receive the FASD diagnosis. But you know what is best for your child. They are your child, and you deserve every bit of support that is available to you.

Without the diagnoses we currently have, we would be unable to attend some of the groups we attend. We’ve managed to get an EHCP with full-time 1-1 support all day at school. Now we can understand our daughters’ brain better and parent her better.

Whether you need to ask for help on week one or year 10, this does not by any means make you a failure. It makes you one amazing person for asking for help.

Head over to the post-adoption support section to find out more about what it is and how to access it.

Lifelong support for adopted children and their families

Yorkshire Adoption Agency recognises that for many families, the placement of a child is just the start of another stage of a family’s journey. Therefore, following the making of an Adoption Order, the Agency maintains contact until the child is 18.

The Agency has worked hard to develop the training and support they offer. This includes an extended programme of post-placement training for adoptive parents and a range of individual therapeutic packages.

Inspired by new research and the difficulties some adoptive parents report in accessing post-adoption support, we are training staff as therapeutic practitioners allowing us to deliver therapeutic support packages to our families, and externally, on a commissioned basis.

Training for adopters

Integral to this, our new training package for adopters which is both pre and post-placement, is our REAL (Resilient, Empathetic, Accepting, Loving) parenting model.

REAL adoptive parenting is the Agency’s unique approach. The model focuses on the importance of adopters developing resilience. We believe the emotional resilience of adopters is key to the long-term success of adoptive placements.

Adopters attend a three-day course focusing on the need for parents to develop resilience through self-care and the development of an informed support network. The course explores the impact of trauma, loss, and identity not only in the context of social work theories such as attachment but by encouraging our adopters to draw on their own life experiences. It encompasses not only our in-house approach but also considers the principles of Theraplay, Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy, and PACE.

The course also includes a ‘hands-on’ workshop, allowing adopters to practice their new skills.

Family and Friends service

We also offer training to our families support networks through our ‘Family and Friends’ service.

All this makes a real difference in helping children grow and thrive, and supports parents in meeting their children’s needs day by day and into the future.

The Agency is committed to the co-production of adoption support services with our families as we believe this is the best way to ensure our services meet their needs.

Our adopters have opted to develop an informal peer support network with a focus on building friendships and providing a “listening ear”, support and reassurance from the perspective of successful adopters. This service is also open to the friends and family of adopters to support the creation of an “adoption-friendly” environment. Our adopters tell us that this offer reinforces our vision of being members of a ‘small community extended family’ network of support.

Building on the success of our activities throughout 2019 (some of which are photographed below),

Pumpkin & Lantern party: Our Pumpkin & Lantern party took place on 26.10.19. The artwork produced by our children is amazing and is displayed throughout the building.

Christmas Party: The Agency Christmas party took place on 30.11.19.

Head over to Yorkshire Adoption’s website to find out about their support services, get in touch via email, or visit their Facebook page.

The reality is far from that when we ask for help. But I think when you’ve been through so much to become a parent, you’re terrified that something will go wrong. If you are struggling, talk to someone. Ask for help. There’s so much support available from lots of different places. Keri’s suggested a few places who provide help and support at the bottom of her post.

You can read Keri’s journey to meeting her son here and if you don’t follow her on Instagram already, go and say hello.

I managed to hold it together long enough to get back to my car. That’s when I burst into tears. It had taken me over a year to find the courage to ask for help. To admit to a professional that I was struggling with my mental health after adopting the most beautiful baby boy to have ever existed.

I poured my heart out to the GP, telling him how I was emotional, angry, stressed, and not the parent I wanted to be. He began to write down a phone number for a free-to-access CBT service (which was already no longer being offered) as he told me “You’re probably just resentful of having to look after a child that isn’t yours”.

Post-adoption depression was discussed only briefly in our pre-adoption training. We were told it existed, and it was slowly being recognised. But that was it. I wasn’t given any resources about what to do if I didn’t feel perfect. Or signposted to anywhere that might be able to support, other than the Local Authority’s own Post-Adoption Support Team.

But here’s the issue with that; if you’re struggling with depression, the last people you want to contact are social workers. Because having only very positive interactions with social workers throughout the adoption process, admitting I was struggling to them just felt like lighting an emergency flare to say “HEY, I’M NOT OK AND SO NEITHER IS THIS CHILD YOU TRUSTED ME WITH!”.

My mental health declined immediately once my son was placed with me. But it took time to recognise it. His first night with me was torture. I didn’t sleep for fear he would wake up and I wouldn’t hear him. I put this down as normal parenting worries, and to some extent it was. But it persisted.

Despite everything I was told about keeping his routine the same as it was with his foster carer, I decided that the bedtime routine needed to change. I couldn’t put this 13 month old little boy in his cot and leave him to cry and self-soothe when I was trying to teach him what no matter what, I’d be there for him.

So, every night, I would take him to his bedroom, sit on the floor in the dark with him whilst he had a warm bottle of milk, cradling him until he was asleep, and then very carefully place him in his cot. Where he would immediately wake up and scream. I’d repeat the routine until it worked, and then carefully commando-crawl across his bedroom floor so as not to wake him up.

This is normal parenting, and most parents can relate to this, but I felt like such a failure. I’d been told repeatedly what a good sleeper he was. And yet here he was, in my care and not sleeping. Looking at it objectively I knew it was because he was completely traumatised from moving from his foster placement to his new home. But I couldn’t separate his behaviour from my failures as a mother.

I eventually managed to fall asleep, but even the slightest whimper or sign over the baby monitor would have me waking in a cold sweat. I had panic attacks that he would wake up and I wouldn’t be able to get him back to sleep. I couldn’t imagine anything more horrific. It felt like the worst thing that could possibly happen. And it happened a lot.

He also wouldn’t eat. Not the solid food I’d been told he enjoyed. Or the baby porridge that he’d still have for breakfast in foster care. He was 13 months old and surviving on milk, with the occasional Greek yogurt with honey. I tried everything I could. Encouraging him to feed himself, ensuring we had the same meals and that we ate together, leaving food on the side within his reach and allowing him to just wander up to it and have it when he was ready.

I lost count of the times I sat on my kitchen floor and cried as another plate of beans had been launched at the wall. I tried feeding him exactly the same meals he was used to, down to the same brand baby ready meals. He refused them all. I tried my best to ensure that meal times were not a battle. But I was completely unable to relax.

And therein lies the problem; our children pick up on our anxieties. He knew I had no confidence in myself as a mother. And so he had no confidence in me either. Whilst this is probably true for any new parent struggling with a child, the difference is that my son had spent his first year with a very competent foster family who met his needs. And then he lost them and moved in with a stranger who he didn’t believe could look after him.

The guilt was immense and multifaceted. I couldn’t admit out loud that I was struggling because I was sure the response I would get was “but this is what you wanted?”. I had gone through so much to get my son and become his mother and the thought of admitting I was not coping seemed so ungrateful for this amazing gift I’d been given.

I also felt guilty about the fact that so many children are removed from birth parents before they’re even given the opportunity to parent due to concerns that they wouldn’t cope. Here was this beautiful child who’d been given to a parent who couldn’t cope. I didn’t deserve him.

The guilt ate away at me. I would spend hours just looking at his perfect face and falling head over heels in love with him, thinking “one day soon they are going to realise I can’t do this, and I will lose you forever”.

It made me feel constantly sick with anxiety, that I was only ever one misstep away from losing him.

All of this was magnified by the fact that as a newly adoptive parent, you really try to keep your world small in order not to overwhelm your new child. You’re advised not to have family or friends around. My parents had already booked a holiday that coincided with the first two weeks of placement. I didn’t want to tell them how hard I was finding it because I didn’t want to spoil their time away or make them feel guilty for leaving.

My best friend stepped up like the hero she is. She came round to sit in the garden and make sure I was ok. Or to help me escape for a walk when things got really tough. She was the first of my friends to meet my son. Sooner than I had anticipated but it was completely necessary to keep me from having a breakdown. Entire afternoons were spent in her living room whilst our sons played together and we drank coffee. She reassured me that I could do this.

She was right. Slowly but surely I became more confident in my parenting abilities. It took a lot of time. It was nine months before he finally ate a home cooked meal. His sleep at least got better sooner rather than later. The sleep gave me enough mental clarity to understand that I needed professional help.

Despite the first doctor I saw dismissing me (and telling me my child was not really mine, which I obviously put in a formal complaint about), the second was much more understanding. They immediately provided the right support – a combination of CBT and a low dose of anti-depressants. I no longer felt ashamed of my struggle and I recognised that both me and my son had been traumatised by the circumstances that brought us together.

My mental health is still an ongoing battle. I’m still on the anti-depressants. A higher dose than when I was first diagnosed with anxiety and depression, and I’ve recently started another round of CBT. But for the most part, I feel confident in my parenting, which means that the relationship between my son and I is stronger than I ever imagined it could be.

I still have wobbles.  I took him to a forest back in April, and we got lost and had no way of finding our way back to the car other than to hope for the best. I cried myself to sleep that night believing I had some nerve calling myself a mother. That the most basic thing I should be doing in keeping him safe was beyond my capabilities. But on a day-to-day basis, I look at my son and see that he is happy, healthy, loving, kind, caring, thoughtful, and intelligent. I recognise that I have at least played some part in this.

If you’re struggling with your mental health following adoption, here are some resources that can help:

• Adoption UK are always here for you and can signpost you to the relevant support
• The Child Psychology Service have provided an understanding of so many of the issues facing new adoptive parents, which can hopefully help you to realise you’re not alone
• Your LA/VA Post-Adoption Support Team (I mentioned how scary this feels, but I promise they will support you and not judge you – mine have been a fantastic support)
• The #adoptionuk community on Instagram
• Me! I will be your village. Find me on Instagram at @kezzabods and I promise you that if you reach out and ask for support, I have got you.

Our social worker drummed into us early on that it was vital we made sure there was an appropriate support package in place if our child required extra help. Knowing this and being able to put it into practice can be too very different things though. The families who completed the Q & A’s I’ve recently published about post adoption support, are probably typical of a lot of adopters. Christina and her husband knew their daughter had complex and challenging needs as a result of her early life experiences, but there was no support package in place prior to the adoption order being granted.

Ideally, social workers will help you work out the kind of help and support you need. But it can be really daunting asking for it soon after placement if issues come up that are new. I think it’s natural to think that we’ll be seen as not being able to cope if we ask for help. Any new parent would think that. But when you’ve become a parent via adoption, there’s a whole different level of expectation. We often feel like we’re under the microscope, with our every move being scrutinised. The reality often isn’t anywhere close to that, but that’s how it can feel.

So I do think there’s a tendency for adopters to think everything will be ok. That, coupled with not always knowing early on what the issues are, often means there isn’t a support package in place at placement. And then it starts to feel really hard to ask for help.

I can remember feeling really embarrassed asking more or less from the start with youngest, whether there’d be scope for financial help. We hadn’t planned to adopt again and had spent a lot of money on our house and garden. That meant we didn’t have any savings to fund me taking longer than my paid six months adoption leave. And it also meant we’d struggle with nursery fees. But I remembered what our social worker had said, and so I asked. We asked for nursery funding equivalent to the two year funding, until she qualified for it. The response was yes. Straight away.

My embarrassment quickly turned to frustration. Why hadn’t we been told that this type of support was available, rather than having to ask for it? And I think that’s the crux of the issue. Help and support often is available from the start. But we feel that we shouldn’t be asking, or we don’t know what it is we need.

So, what type of help and support is available? And when can it be accessed?

Ideally, any support package should have been identified by the social workers and you, before matching panel. If your child is already receiving therapy or a particular type of treatment, you should know about it from their report. If they have a known health issue that requires ongoing treatment, that’ll be in there too. In those circumstances, it’s perhaps easier to know what to ask for. How long will the treatment continue? Who will provide it and fund it? What happens when it stops? What is the longer term plan for treatment? If it’s specialist help and not NHS provided, who funds it?

That information can then be included in the matching report. And if it isn’t, you need to ask for it to go in. It’s then clear for everyone what’s expected and how it will happen. The funding for youngest’s nursery place was including in our matching report. I sent a copy of the report with our request for funding to start at the appropriate time, and it wasn’t an issue.

If it’s clear that extra support is needed once your child is home, make sure it’s in place before you apply for the adoption order. It’s easier to access support if your child is looked after (which they are until the adoption order is granted) as opposed to adopted, particularly if it’s something that can be provided in-house by the local authority. The temptation is to apply for the order as soon as you can. But if there are issues, that may not be the best option. Again, you want the support to be in writing with a clear plan as to what it is, how long it lasts for, how you access it again if needs be, and who funds it.

If the support that’s needed can’t be provided by the local authority, it may be appropriate for an application to be made to the Adoption Support Fund (ASF). Adoption UK have a lot of information about the fund on their website which you can access here.

In an ideal world, adopters would be told about all of the help and support that’s available, as soon as they’re linked to a child. But it doesn’t happen that way very often. The next best thing is knowing where to ask for help. And if the help isn’t forthcoming, to keep asking until it’s provided. If you’d like to share your experience of adoption support, whether it’s pre or post adoption order, please get in touch.