To help us all find the support we need, I’m going to publish some articles which highlight resources available for some of the issues children who’ve experienced early life trauma sometimes experience. The first of these articles is written by the brilliant Ali who is the mum behind @thefizzykids Ali’s created some great resources which she shares on her website and via her Podcast and newsletter.

In this article, she shares the journey her family have been on which has resulted in them learning a new parenting language to support their children. Ali’s writing a book about their experience. You’ll find details of where to buy some of the chapters in the article.

Change your language, and you change your thoughts (Karl Albrecht)

Like many people who have been through a tough time, there was something compelling about taking pen to paper and starting to write it all down. Way back in time (like, January 2020….well that feels like way back in time with everything that has happened doesn’t it?!), I started writing a book called ‘Don’t Calm Down’ to try and bring together my family’s story and everything we’d learnt about living with and loving traumatised kids with learning difficulties.

It started messily – just a download of feelings and incidents pouring out onto the page.  There wasn’t much about why we adopted, or the adoption process or those first magical moments we captured on camera and in our hearts. If I’m honest, it was all about the years after that which appeared quite unexpectedly; the years of some really dark days as we started to grasp the full reality of helping our children through their trauma and beginning to understand and accept the challenges our children would face in everyday life because of their special needs.

It was raw, it was honest, but that made it incredibly cathartic.  Within eight weeks I’d written 40,000 words.  When I stopped to re-read it I was a little shocked. How could I have not thought that we would have to deal with some of this stuff?

We’d spent a year being grilled by social workers in order to be ‘deemed fit’ as adopters; we’d been on all those courses that show you photos of kid’s brains who have been traumatised; we’d read all the books; we’d connected with other adopters.  And yet somehow, all of that got lost in the first few busy years of life with babies and toddlers when you’re focused on the next feed and nap.

And of course, when they were tiny, they couldn’t talk back! They couldn’t tell us how they were really feeling!  They were probably in ‘freeze’ mode that the experts talk about – frozen in time at the point of going into foster care or adoption and simply hiding those enormous experiences and emotions that go with them.

A new parenting language

During those difficult years, we went on an amazing journey that crafted a new set of parenting skills as we re-learned to be the parents our kids needed us to be.  Our breakthrough moment came as we realised we needed to learn a new parenting language. One that spoke to the trauma, the anger, the grief; not one that shamed or judged or shouted.

And so I refined the book to focus not on the bad days, but on what we’d learnt as a result of the bad days. I did this in the hope it may help just one other person or family to have one better day in the midst of chaos, meltdowns, traumatic outpourings or self-esteem issues.

Like many optimistic writers, I would love to see the full book published someday! Until then, I have turned it into chapters that will help parents of kids with higher emotional or special needs, understand why a new parenting language and approach may be effective. There are also specific chapters on How to Talk to the Angry Child and How to Talk to the Anxious Child.

All chapters can be downloaded on our website: Book – Fizzy Kids and the Introduction is free. I hope to add more chapters over time on language to prevent shaming a child and how to talk to a rude and hyperactive child.

Changing our language really did change the way we viewed our kids’ big feelings and resulting big behaviours and also helped us stay regulated in the face of those very fizzy moments.

You can read more about Ali’s journey in this interview and in this article about The Fizzy Kids Podcast.

Thankfully, lockdown is a distant memory and hopefully something we’ll never have to repeat. However, finding activities and games that help us connect as a family is always on my radar so, I thought it was a good time to re-share our review of Beacon Family Services resource packs as the games are a lovely, simple way of reconnecting and having fun together. 

My girls are ten and six now and we still use the cards a lot. Our youngest has started to get the “Simon Says” card out when she wants to play with someone. She hasn’t quite grasped the concept of the game yet, but she loves getting us all to do what Simon says.

Living in uncertain times

The past 12 months have been extremely difficult for a lot of us. Uncertainty about the future. Fear of loved ones becoming seriously ill with the virus. Worries about money and jobs. Wondering whether life will ever get back to any kind of normality. All these things have taken up a lot of space in our minds.

Lockdown has meant that we’ve been spending a lot more time at home. Under normal circumstances, extra family time is something we cherish. But lockdown hasn’t been normal. It’s been far, far from it.

I think my family’s experience of the last 12 months is probably quite common. We’ve enjoyed a lot of the extra time we’ve had together. But there have been some really difficult times. Our eldest daughter has struggled to understand why she can’t go out and play with her friends. Or hug her cousins, or her gran and grandma. She’s seven and doesn’t understand what the virus is. For her, it’s something that stopped her from feeling safe and being able to do lots of the things she enjoys.

There’s been so much for her to process. She’s often struggled to do this, which manifests itself in her getting angry. This has, at times, meant we’ve been feeling disconnected as a family. She’s usually very open and talks to me what’s bothering her, but we’re living in unprecedented times and she’s often not been able to articulate how she’s feeling. I’d been looking for some resources to use to try injecting a bit of fun and laughter into our days which would also help both our girls feel safe and secure.

Games to help you connect

I was delighted when I was asked if we’d like to try out the “Games to help you connect” resources which have been developed by Beacon Family Services, as they seemed to fit the bill in terms of what I was looking for.

The resources are a poster and cards which have been designed with the work of Dr Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory and Theraplay-based games and activities in mind. The idea is to use playful activities to help children and their families identify the relationship between how they’re feeling and their behaviours.

The poster helps to explore feelings and identify when you’re feeling ok, and when you’re not. The cards have different games on each one, with an explanation on the back of how to play the game and what the benefits are.

Dealing with big feelings

I’ve been doing some work with our eldest to help her better understand the connection with how she’s feeling and how that sometimes makes her behave. I understand that her feelings about lockdown and the virus are often causing her to be angry, but she doesn’t. That scared her and sometimes caused her to become withdrawn and disconnected from us. The book I’d been using was good, but it didn’t really engage her for long.

I decided to try the cards out one evening when I could see eldest was starting to become dysregulated when she’d been asking when she’d be able to see her cousins and give them a hug. It manifested itself in anger and being mean towards her little sister. To start off with, I suggested they play Row the Boat together. The card suggests it’s a good game to do when your child’s struggling so it seemed a good choice in the circumstances. It’s a game I’ve played often with both of them, but they haven’t really played it together.

Within a couple of minutes, the anger between them had disappeared and they were in fits of laughter as they pulled faces at each other singing the song. As that had gone down well, I decided to try another game.

Simon Said

I read the names of the games out and our eldest picked Simon Said. This game is designed to help a child feel safe.

It’s not a game we’ve played before, (I’m not entirely sure why because I used to love it when I was a kid) and I was a little bit nervous because our eldest can be quite hard on herself if she gets things wrong. I was concerned about how she’d respond if she moved without me saying “Simon Said”, given she’d been on the brink of a meltdown a few minutes earlier. The four of us played the game together, with our youngest (she’s almost three) joining in by copying what her sister did.

I was completely amazed at our eldest’s response to this game. We spent a good half hour playing it which is unheard of as one or other of the kids usually gets fed up with a game well before then. There were no tears from her when she got it wrong, just lots and lots of laughter. When she decided she’d had enough of playing it, she’d completely calmed down and was back to her usual happy, laid-back self. The two of them played beautifully together after that until bedtime.

I’ve tried Simon Said a few times since when things are starting to deteriorate with eldest’s behaviour. It’s worked every time to diffuse the situation and has brought her out of her anger and into laughter.

Different games to play

We haven’t tried all of the games yet, but we will over the course of the next few weeks. I’m particularly looking forward to “Count the Crunch” because it involves biscuits! I’ve been really pleased with the results we’ve had so far from using the cards. The games are simple and things we can all do together. They’ve been great tools to use to get us to connect. I think sometimes we miss the simple things when we’re trying to come up with activities. And because most of the games are ones we know, we can do them anytime, even if we don’t have the cards with us.

The poster is also a great tool to use to explore how you and your child are feeling. Letting our children know it’s ok to feel however they are, is so important. It helps them know different feelings are natural and ok.

Managing change

Last week was challenging because our eldest went back to school full-time. She’s been in three days a week since Christmas because I’m a key worker. But she’s been in a different classroom to her usual one, with a different teacher and only one of her friends. Although she’s missed seeing her friends massively, she’s enjoyed being in a smaller group. So, she was very nervous about going back into the bigger class, even though she knew all of the kids.

We used the poster the day before she went back to look at different types of feelings. We talked about how going back to school was making her feel. We’ve done this many times before, but I think having the poster as a visual tool really helped. It seemed to help her understand her feelings better. She liked talking about how the boat was bobbing up and down on the sea.  She said thought that was how she was feeling because she was happy one minute and then worried the next about going back to school.

Games to help you connect: Beacon Family Services

Beacon Family Services is a not-for-profit agency which provides high-quality therapeutic family support. Their focus is providing therapy through fun and play which helps children to build positive and playful connections with their parents and carers. This type of support is particularly beneficial for adopted children following placement with their new family. It’s also great for children who suffer from separation anxiety.

You can read more about the benefits of Theraplay on Beacon Family Service’s website. The site provides a wealth of information and support for new families to develop their relationship, or for established families to repair or rebuild it if things have gone off track. Their services can still be accessed during the pandemic as they’ve moved online. So, if you feel your family needs some help to get back on track, or advice about how to develop your bond and relationship if you’re child has recently come home, it’s a great place to start.

You can also read about Theraplay from a parent’s perspective in this article written by @mollymamaadopt.

We were kindly gifted a set of the “Games to help you connect” cards and the “How are you feeling” poster so that I could write this article. You can buy them from Beacon Family Service’s shop here. £2 from every pack sold goes directly to Adoption UK to support their work.

Playing games have so many benefits for children. If you’re looking for some more inspiration for simple and easy games not just to connect, but to help your child to learn and develop, check out these ideas from We Made This Life.

Today’s article is written by Ali about her realisation that that kind of language wasn’t working with her two boys. You can read all about her journey to meeting her sons here. Ali’s launched the brilliant FizzyKids Podcast to share her quest to transform her parenting language to something that has better results for her family. If you don’t follow her on Instagram already, go and say hello.

FizzyKids

Do you have those days when you’re standing at the bottom of the stairs hollering at your shouting child ‘How dare you talk to me like that’?!  Or when they’re sobbing hysterically and you’re late for work. You brusquely tell them to ‘just calm down!’.

Well a few years ago that was me.  Every.single.day.  I couldn’t understand how my kids could make me feel so angry. But also, how incapable I was at dealing with their emotional moments in a more compassionate way.  I mean, I would never speak to my friends or colleagues the way I spoke to my kids some days.

When you shout at your kids or say things you don’t want to say, you may drink a lot of gin or go to bed crying, feeling embarrassed, ashamed, exhausted, helpless, frustrated and possibly as if you just want to give up.  After all, these children were gifted to our care!

We understand their pasts and incredibly challenging life events they have dealt with. But sometimes in the heat of the moment or on a really bad day, it’s so hard to keep that in mind when we’re interacting with them and dealing with their big feelings and behaviours.

The Podcast LAUNCH

I launched FizzyKids: The Podcast to help share my quest to transform my parenting language and the approach I’ve taken with my fizzy, adopted kids. I hope my story will help others. My experiences to re-learn my parenting skills might benefit other parents and carers.

You see we all have ‘core scripts’* learnt during our childhood. They are embedded in our day-to-day interactions with our children, so it feels natural for us to use phrases and voice tones with our kids that are familiar to us from our own upbringing. We do this even if we know our kids may have different needs than us.

But do these phrases work? In particular, do they work with fizzy kids who are more sensitive or emotional than their peers and taking longer to develop their emotional maturity due to their adverse childhood experiences or learning difficulties?

Parenting Language

After years of trying different strategies, I decided to set about re-learning my parenting language and the approach I take with my fizzy kids.  What I really learnt was that parenting them differently has allowed me to re-discover the parts of my character that I most like. Being kind and respectful EVEN whilst parenting.  It has also meant that I’m starting to become the parent that my kids need me to be.

I read a couple of books that really opened my eyes to this. ‘Why Can’t my Child Behave?’ by Dr Amber Elliot and ‘The Unofficial Guide to Adoptive Parenting’ by Sally Donovan.  Both books offer amazing insights into the mind of a traumatised child and I was inspired to try and change my parenting approach and language.

We were going through an incredibly difficult period with our two adopted boys. A combination of moving house and starting school had left us in a tailspin and after one incredibly challenging weekend, I decided we had to stop, re-set and find a new way of improving our family dynamics.

That was almost two years ago, and if I reflect on the journey we’ve been on, this is what I have learnt:

Better parents

Transforming our parenting language and approach, if nothing else, has made us feel like better parents (well…..most days!). That may sound self-absorbed, but it had to be the starting point. We were drowning in a sea of guilt and shame around not being adequate parents for our kids and their needs.  It turns out that the phrase about putting your own lifejacket on first really is true.

Acceptance and Empathy

Parenting our kids differently has put acceptance and empathy at the heart of our family life. We’re not perfect, and frequently forget what our kids have been through, but the language we use helps to focus our thoughts and hearts on what they need.

Learning a new language

Learning a new language allowed me to do respectful and mindful parenting before I actually felt like I was being more respectful and mindful. The behaviours I was seeing were so challenging that during difficult moments I still struggled to remember why they were acting this way.  But at least I had some tools to use that meant I was coming across differently and supporting them through those moments.

Practise

Practising and (im)perfecting the new language and approach has allowed me to move from self-criticism to being self-critiquing of my parenting skills. I know I will never be perfect, but at least I’m constantly on the lookout to improve and be the parent my kids need me to be.

The first season of podcasts (six, weekly episodes), shares the good, the bad and the ugly parts of learning to parent differently; things that have worked and things that haven’t.  The episodes propose new ways to speak to and interact with the Angry Child, Anxious Child, Rude Child and several others.

In the second season, my plan is to open up the podcast to inspiring parents and carers and professionals who are happy to have a good old chinwag about the ups and downs of parenting fizzy kids!

You can find us on all good podcast platforms (Apple, Spotify, Google, Overcast etc.). Do tell us what you think as we would love some feedback.

I do hope you enjoy the show. One thing I promise is that I won’t tell you to CALM DOWN…

*(Zach Gomm, Great Behaviour Breakdown Course – if you haven’t been on it, then Fizzy Husband and I would recommend it!)

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The review is written by the wonderful Ali whose Instagram account is utterly brilliant. She shares what it’s like to be an adoptive parent in such an open and honest way, documenting the incredible highs and crushing lows of her experience. If you don’t follow her already, you definitely should.

A-Z of Therapeutic Parenting

If I had a penny for the number of Google searches I’d done for strategies to support a range of behaviours my son exhibits, I’d be a very rich women.

As a mum of two through adoption, I’m always researching and reading. I’d message other parents I’ve got to know on Instagram, asking if their children had experienced similar things. The answer was yes and one of the recommendations was this book.

When I read the “Basics” chapter, I had a lightbulb moment. Was Sarah describing my son? Soon I realised that a lot of children who’ve experienced trauma and neglect, can (not always) have very similar behaviour traits. Obviously, they come in all different shapes and sizes. But all those behaviours were what I couldn’t quite describe, because sometimes I just couldn’t find the words Sarah has.

As the title suggests, it’s an A-Z. It’s something you can read from beginning to end, or dip in and out. You can listen to it as an audio book too. My husband did this as he has severe dyslexia.

I would say the A-Z works better in book form as it’s something I refer to over and over again. I’m the parent of a child with developmental trauma. They can appear completely normal, then, at the flick of a switch they can change. Or things can get subtly worse over time. Because it’s an A-Z, you can quickly flick to a type of behaviour and read why they might be displaying it and what you can do about it.

Learning tool for schools

I sent a link to the school to read and use the book to help them with my son. I don’t think read it to be honest, but it might have saved them on a number of occasions if they had.

It’s important to note that this book doesn’t solve behaviour complexities. What it does do is gives you tools to enhance a therapeutic relationship with your child.

I don’t manage therapeutic parenting all the time. I’m probably 35% there, I’m aiming for 50%. A lot of the changes come from you as a person and a parent. Your child won’t change overnight. In fact if my son did, I’d be seriously concerned that he was putting on a show.

Sarah uses an analogy of our children as car drivers, except no one has taught them how to drive. They’ve tampered with the brakes and stamped on the accelerator to make it speed off. And now everyone is blaming our children for crashing into things, for being too fast, damaging things or hurting people.

She goes on to say that we can teach our children how to use the handbrake and manage the steering. But we need to be right next to them, helping them to cope with their fear.

Sarah is a mum through adoption too. She really gets it. I’d recommend this book to any family, especially those who’ve become a family through adoption. I’d also recommend it as a book for prospective adopters and teaching staff.

You can buy “The A-Z of Therapeutic Parenting” from most book shops, including Amazon and Waterstones. This is an affiliate link to Amazon. That means if you click on the link to the book and buy it, I get paid a fee from Amazon.

If you enjoyed reading this article, why not buy me a coffee to show your support for the magazine? If you’d like to read more articles about adoption, head over to the home page and have a look at what’s new.

If you’ve not come across it before, “Theraplay is a child and family therapy for building and enhancing attachment, self-esteem, trust in others, and joyful engagement. It is based on the natural patterns of playful, healthy interaction between parent and child and is personal, physical, and fun. Theraplay interactions focus on four essential qualities found in parent-child relationships: Structure, Engagement, Nurture, and Challenge.” (source: Beacon House )

Theraplay

My husband and I brought our little boy home this year. We have a four-year-old daughter too so play has always been a big part of our family life. When we were being linked with our little man, we learnt about his additional short and long term needs. We quickly understood that Theraplay, not play therapy, would be beneficial for him as he grows up.

Theraplay was introduced to us in our adoption preparation training at our agency. We were invited into the Theraplay room and were met with heaps of balloons, foam obstacles, toys, musical instruments and more. We felt like big kids. And it was amazing.

As prospective adopters, we were guided through Theraplay activities by the social worker and got hands on. One I remember clearly is called the balloon bounce. It was explained as an activity to ground emotions, create control and encourage attachment.

My husband and I sat across from each other and took it in turns to bounce the balloon to each other. My husband directed which part of my body he wanted me to bounce the balloon back with.

We quickly began to become fascinated by Theraplay. As part of our learning journey I explored books, videos and research papers on the benefits for adopted children. We wanted to be prepared for when our little man came home.

Using Theraplay to build attachment

A few weeks after our little man came home, we began to realise that he was avoiding eye contact. Using our research we looked into Theraplay activities to encourage eye contact between parent and child. We tried activities like ‘hide and seek’. I would sit him on my knee and hide his dummy up his top. As he looked at me for help to find it, I guided his hands using my touch to find his dummy. When he found it we celebrated with clapping and cheering. Gradually he began to make more eye contact with us.

A few months ago I became a volunteer for a focus group for Beacon Family Services. It was a Theraplay focus group which met twice. We were presented with a pack of Theraplay cards to use at home. Each day I would let my daughter choose one for us to do.

A favourite was the ‘blow me over’ which was brilliant for regulating emotion. When either of my children are emotionally dysregulated, I use this. After shifting them to a calmer mindset, I ask them to take deep breaths and blow me over as hard as they can. When they blow, I fall back and scream playfully.

Sensory integration

More recently, I’ve been monitoring my son and his sensory integration. I noticed that he struggles to process his emotions when feeling certain senses or when doing certain activities such as brushing his hair, stroking his back and using cotton wool on his face. This would often cause him to become very distressed.

Using the Theraplay cards and our adoption training materials, I found activities that would help him become more comfortable and familiar with touch. This was important so that I was able to soothe him when he’s distressed.

A great example of one of the activities is called the weather map. Our son is preverbal so cannot understand the words I say yet. However, my tone of voice and consistent speaking helped in this activity. I held him on my knee and began talking to him in a soothing voice. On his back I drew the weather – a sun because it was sunny outside. I explained this to him and began to ‘pitter patter’ on his back because it was raining yesterday.

At first, he was uncomfortable with this. But the more we did it, the more he became familiar with the touch. This is an activity I also use on my daughter when she becomes hyper and needs to calm down for bedtime.

Family activities

Although my daughter isn’t adopted and hasn’t experienced any trauma, doing the Theraplay activities with her little brother has been so helpful. It has been a family activity that we all do together and has helped her build a stronger bond with little man. She often asks to use one of the cards with her brother and even suggests that mummy blows her over when she notices I’m feeling stressed – success!

Theraplay is completely adult led. For ambivalently attached children who need control, this can be very difficult but there are activities where control is given through turn taking. It’s commonly used to help attachment, help children process trauma and to handle their emotions. Our little man is very young and there is a common misconception that Theraplay is for older children.

Theraplay can be accessed through the Adoption Support Fund is used a lot of children when they’re older. However, using it early on with our little man has been so beneficial. We do it every couple of days and an activity takes as long as my children want to do it for. It can be ten minutes or half an hour. It’s helped my husband and I build a bond with our son and helped him to feel more comfortable with eye contact. He’s now more welcoming with physical touch for soothing. It can be as simple as using household items for activities and researching them on the internet.

The key is to be playful. Any adopter will know the power of play in helping children heal and handle their trauma, grief and emotions. It’s a tool that shouldn’t be underestimated and one that we have built into our family life and routine as it’s benefitted both of our children.

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