I think lucky is a word that means so many different things to those who’ve experienced adoption. I feel very lucky to have been chosen to be mum to our daughters. Our family are lucky to have our girls in our lives. But they aren’t lucky to have been adopted. Their start in life was full of loss and trauma.

It’s a term that people often use to describe adopted children, saying they’re lucky to have been adopted. I hope it’s a well-meaning comment, but it shows how far we still have to go in terms of raising awareness around adoption.

Chloe’s perspective on what lucky means for her is humbling.

Lucky

Perhaps some young people don’t understand what it means to be adopted and be “in the system” until they’re older. But I always knew.

Adopted at eight years old, I worked out early on what foster care was. I accepted I’d move around continuously and that eventually, leave the system. I also understood that I was… lucky.

Being in foster care was a fairly confusing and upsetting time for me. It was “decided” that every second Thursday, I would be allowed to meet my birth mother.

At first, I’d be overexcited and sometimes even be physically sick before she arrived. Soon after, it turned to a case of absence. She stopped turning up, and this fact would make me so ill that on the day after the contact, I’d again become very ill.

My foster carer soon became my long-term carer, and from this time, I have a lot of memories. I’m not sure if this is the same for all of you. But for me, I felt that my foster carer and I formed a kind of mother-daughter bond, which, as we all know, includes both good and bad times.

Memories of foster care

Strangely, some of my clearest memories are the weirder ones.  For example, I’m extremely glad to see the back of haggis; my arch nemesis. It was a Halloween night, and I was told that I wasn’t allowed to go out trick or treating unless I ate my haggis, which she knew I hated. Maybe it was a test, but I’ll never know.

However, I’ve also got lots of good memories, which balance the bad. For example, our trips to Edinburgh zoo, Chill Factor in Manchester (sledging/ skiing) and my all-time favourite, horse riding.

Can I trust you with a secret, reader? My biggest memory with horse riding was when my brother’s pony handler let go of his pony momentarily, and the horse spooked, making him fall halfway off his pony. It then started to canter off with him. I know that this seems to be a weird thing to put in a blog, but my point is that memories are weird; you can’t choose what sticks.

Foster care is definitely not convenient or the best thing to go through. But if you’re lucky, you’ll be able to make good memories and look back at that time with fondness.

Head to the adoption section to read more interviews and articles written by adoptees sharing their experiences.

A Study In Adoption

My first problems in school started soon after my adoption.  I eagerly told all my classmates that I was adopted. I think because I didn’t want it to come out as the big surprise.

To me, adoption seemed like a fresh start where people didn’t judge me for my family and the things they’d done.

However, as I had a sibling, this meant that everyone now knew my brother’s story. He wasn’t pleased. He wanted to be the normal kid, living the normal life.

Many adopted young people have to move schools after their adoption. This was also the case for me, and it was tough. In those first few weeks, I followed the customs of my old school. where we had to sit cross-legged and raise our index finger to our lips when we wanted to talk. When I did this at my new school, they thought I was weird and old-fashioned.

Another school issue I faced was the gaps in my learning. Before my adoption, I didn’t go to school all the time, and as a result, my maths was dreadful. Many “normal” people have trouble with maths or English, but I truly struggle. People have told me I probably missed the bits at the start, so my whole foundation to learn maths was actually missing.

To try to fix it, I had to spend my summers catching up on what I missed. To this day, my addition and subtraction are not up to scratch. Finding something as simple as primary school maths difficult was really embarrassing for me, and I feel it’s the reason I have some insecurities. It hurts if I’m called a name like “stupid”.

The social element

Lastly, I feel the social element of school also affected me. Bullying and care-related name-calling left me feeling very insecure about how people see me and how they think of me.

To manage this, I’ve spent some time speaking to Scottish Adoption about how I think about myself and others.

For any adoptive parents out there, a fairly easy way to help your child through this school stuff is to listen and listen well. Sometimes we, as adoptees, feel like we aren’t heard.

I also believe that most adopted children will need more support to get through school. So be ready!

Head to the adoption section to read more interviews and articles written by adoptees, sharing their experiences.

This article was written by Reanna in 2021. She shares her incredibly honest thoughts about adoption and her experience as an adoptee. The best way for adopters to learn and understand the best way to support our children is to listen to those who’ve been through it.

You can follow Reanna on Instagram @re_theadoptee

My adoption experience

Now 24, I’m in that phase of life where I feel a bit lost. Some friends are announcing engagements and pregnancies. Whilst others, including me, are busy dreaming of the first night out post-covid. “2021 is gonna be the year of living my best life” is what we’re all saying, and whilst we are all united in wishing for a better year than what we’ve had to endure in 2020, our “best lives” widely differ.

Some hope for love and romance in the New Year. Some are hoping to achieve a career goal. Others, like myself, and I suspect numerous other 20-somethings, are just going with the flow (whatever that means).

I take on this attitude every year and never make New Year’s resolutions. It’s not because I’m a negative Nancy. I do have dreams, ambitions and wishes. But I learned early on that life cannot ever be planned. So when you put pressure on yourself to achieve the world and more, or you compare yourself endlessly to other people and think about all the things you should be doing at a certain age, you’re wasting your life away. Tomorrow is never promised.

I’ve learnt that living your best life isn’t an event, or a certain point of your life that you reach once you’ve achieved all you set out to and met all the expectations of the life cycle. So much of my life has been full of uncertainty and chaos. That’s meant I’ve spent much of my time in ‘survival mode’, just trying to make it through each day to the next.

Now, although I may feel slightly lost and anxious about my future, I’ve learnt to not only ‘survive’ each day, but to live each day and accept whatever circumstances I may be in, as my best life.

My early years

I was adopted at seven, nearly eight years old. Prior to that, I spent a year in foster care. The word ‘traumatic’ sums up my life best, and my experiences certainly haven’t meant I am now living my best life.

I remember so much of my early years, which included being exposed to lots of domestic violence, alcoholism, instability and poverty. My young birth mother was a loving, beautiful soul who had a traumatic life of her own and unfortunately struggled to provide for her children.

Having three children by the age I am now must have been so difficult. Caring for them as a single mum with little money, whilst also trying to grow up herself. She didn’t really help herself, however, having a bad drinking problem and regularly becoming violent. The final straw for children’s services was her doing time in prison whilst pregnant. She was sent to prison for a violent assault. A horrific, gory, violent assault that I witnessed as a four or five-year-old little girl.

After years of having no fixed address and moving from counties to cities to refuges, children’s services felt it best that myself and my two younger siblings were separated from her care. Myself and my brother went into foster care and were later adopted together. My sister went to live with her biological dad.

Foster care

My year in foster care was just as, if not more traumatic than my early life. Although I had no real faith or religious beliefs, for some reason I used to make my storage boxes into an ‘altar’. I placed a couple of ornament keepsakes from my biological family on top. Kneeling down, I’d pray to God to ‘help me and save me’.

I felt unwanted and not liked by my carers because they’d told me multiple times they only cared for babies.  Missing my mum terribly caused a deep depression which meant I took out my pain, anger and loneliness on myself. It eventually led me to engage in self-destructive behaviours.

One day, my foster carers sat me down and told me they’d found me a forever mummy and daddy. I remember LITERALLY thanking God.

I had a really successful, happy and loving adoption. It wasn’t long after moving in with my forever mummy and daddy that I started calling them mum and dad. After a history of bed wetting, I never wet the bed at my new home – can you believe it?! It really was a miracle.

I still thank God to this day for my life now and for ‘helping and saving me’. Adoption has been the best thing to ever happen to me. But also the hardest thing to ever happen to me.

Recognising trauma

Being adopted is a traumatic experience in itself and I have come to realise the lack of recognition for this. Adoption is glorified – rightly so in most cases. However, we fail to remember (or perhaps we choose to ignore) the aftermath of a traumatic childhood. And how great an impact this will have on a person’s life. Adoption is wonderful, and quite literally – in my case at least – saves a child. However, many forget the personal challenges that lie ahead.

I struggle with identity on a daily basis, often totally conflicted about the kind of person I am. My character, wondering why I like certain things and hate others, questioning myself because I’ve not had someone ‘like me’ to look at. I have severe abandonment anxiety and struggle with my relationships and friendships due to the multiple significant losses in my life and subsequent sense of rejection.

I suffer from body dysmorphia, orthorexia and have regular body image crises due to my lack of self-worth and identity. My severe depression, PTSD and anxiety have led to me self-harming for years. It’s also led to panic attacks and two suicide attempts.

I suffered in every area of my life, particularly during my education days. Going through school is hard enough for any young person, let alone as an adoptee or a young person in care. I hid my identity due to feelings of shame and embarrassment. I felt so alone because no one ever speaks about adoption or foster care.

The future

I could literally write a whole book on what I struggle with due to childhood trauma, and this is my motivation behind starting my Instagram page.  I’m now in a position where I feel able and ready to share my story in the hope of educating others and spreading awareness of what we go through.

I want there to be more resources for adoptees and looked-after children because so often we can be mistaken for the ‘naughty kid’ or the ‘shy one’. Actually, we’re the strongest people you’ll ever come across, who just happen to have gone through sh*t we find hard to come to terms with.

So, when I look to the year ahead, I think about the kind of person I want to be and the life I want to live. As usual, I won’t be making specific plans and I won’t be setting goals with rigid timeframes, because from experience I’ve learnt that our lives are always unpredictable.

I was shocked to notice a lack of adoptee voices within the adoption world and this has also provided me with even more motivation to speak up and speak out for us. My main dream is to create something I wish I had growing up. Like a friend almost that just ‘gets it’. Because the feeling of loneliness as an adoptee is the most painful feeling in the world that leaves you in total isolation and fear.

All we can do is be true to ourselves. Speak and live our truths and show kindness and love. In the past, my life has literally changed in an instant. Now I try to always live in the beauty of the moment and take it as it is.

I wish I’d never had to go through half of what I’ve experienced. However, I’ve made peace with the fact it has made me who I am today; an extremely strong individual with a purpose. Before finally starting AUUK, I felt trapped in the shadows and full of fear to share my story. But now I feel ready to take centre stage and speak up for everyone without a voice.

I won’t be asking God to ‘save me’ this time, but I’ll ask for confidence to continue igniting my fires of passion to make a difference through speaking and living my truth on Adoption United UK. Because this journey is what “living my best life” is for me.

Head to the homepage to find out what’s new and read more articles sharing adoptees experiences.

I absolutely love their honesty. I love that they have big plans for the future. And that Darcy gets that ice cream makes everything feel better. And that Ellie knows how many cuddles we all need a day to be happy. Thank you so much to Darcy and Ellie for sharing your thoughts with us.

Our Adoption: By Darcy and Ellie, as told to their mum Feyaza Khan

How old were you when you were adopted and did you want to be?

Darcy: I was around six, I think. I was quite worried at first. I don’t know why. Maybe because I hadn’t met my parents before. You can’t just meet a person and then suddenly they’re your mum and dad, I always thought this was weird. It was like two weeks and then we were home and that was very weird.

When we came home, I loved the house and my room and it was full of toys and things just for me, so it felt good. I guess it was still weird but I had all these toys and couldn’t think really.

Ellie: I was six or seven. I really wanted to be adopted because even though I liked it in my foster carers, they kept saying, “You have to go to a mummy and daddy, you can’t stay here forever.” It was annoying because I had many foster carers.

I loved when we went to our real home because we had a lovely room and a box full of toys and walkie-talkies. I thought about my foster carers sometimes, but I don’t properly remember them or their house now.

How much of your life do you remember before you were adopted?

Darcy: I remember a little. Like the house I lived in and the garden where there was this huge hole full of junk. There were a lot of people around, some in my family and some people I didn’t know. I don’t remember what I did all day because I didn’t go to school much. I’m not sure how I kept busy. I was probably just mad and running about.

Ellie: Not much. I remember we had a big house and wooden stairs with no carpet on. We had a fridge that didn’t work and I mainly ate sweets. Before I came home, I had to go to hospital to get some of my teeth taken out, but they have grown back and Mummy says I have a lovely smile.

What do you think of adoption?

Darcy: I think it’s an amazing thing. It changes children’s lives and I think parents probably feel good about themselves making their children’s lives better. I didn’t know what adoption was when I was in my old family. We all loved each other but I know when I think about it now and how everything is in my life, I still love my birth family so much but I don’t think we were safe in that house. I know it wasn’t their fault and they couldn’t look after themselves either so it would have been hard for them to look after the kids properly as well.

Ellie: I feel happy about it. I know my family love me and I like that my house is clean. I think adoption made me a different person and before I didn’t used to think about things or notice anything. Now I think about every single thing. And sometimes I think about dying and it scares me and I think about how old the world is. And I invent things all the time. Today I made a light before breakfast and it was like a torch.

I didn’t have any equipment before to make inventions. I never thought about anything before. Also now I don’t eat so much. I used to eat three bowls of everything every time we had lunch or supper, but now I think about my belly, so I don’t get a belly ache.

How do you feel when people know you’re adopted?

Darcy: I am so proud of being adopted. It’s a privilege to be able to choose your family, especially because our family now is so good. We’re all different cultures and colours and we have learnt so much about each other. It’s like an adventure when we do this.

Ellie: I don’t care. It makes me happy but I don’t talk about it much.

Do you tell people you’re adopted?

Darcy: Sometimes, but not always. It’s not the most important thing to talk about when you meet someone. People think weird things about adoption and when I told people at school, they kept asking about my “adopted mum and adopted dad” and I had to say that they were just my mum and dad.

Ellie: I do tell people, but only when I want to talk about it. Sometimes I just want to get on with my life and not talk about adoption because that is not my most important part about me.

How does adoption make you different?

Darcy: It doesn’t. I’m not different. I’m still me but in a safer place and with more things.

Ellie: I think it makes me special because I have done so many things. I learnt how to behave in a restaurant and other surroundings. And I like to do different things like gymnastics. Now I know how to make jokes and also we have manners sometimes. I say please and thank you and I think about other people and making them happy.

What is your family like?

Darcy: My family is quite adventurous and we liked to travel everywhere before Covid happened. I think we suit each other because we’re all pretty cool and like to do fun things. My sister is hilarious when she isn’t shouting. But I think I’m the funniest person in the house. My dad thinks he is but he makes dad jokes so I don’t need to tell you how not funny they are.

Ellie: It’s loving and caring. I think I’m the favourite child, but don’t tell my sister. I like talking to my mum, we talk about everything when I’m happy or sad or if I did something silly. My sister is a good friend but we do argue. Darcy thinks she is very funny, but actually, I am because my mum and dad always laugh when I make a joke. I like that.

What is your birth family like?

Darcy: It is big and crazy. I have a niece who’s my age, and I get along with her a lot. I don’t know them as much as I used to, but maybe I will know them better when I am older.

Ellie: They are good people, but I don’t think about them much. I feel like my mum and dad are my real family and my birth family are extra people who love me, which is nice.

Do you get to see them?

Darcy: Not in person because of Covid. But we Facetime and phone each other a lot. When we moved home, I didn’t want to speak to my birth family but now I’m happy that my mum found them and we get to ring them and be friends.

Ellie: Yes, on Facetime. We chat sometimes. Darcy chats more but I’m not always comfortable and I’m quite busy because I have gymnastics and I have to invent things.

What are your plans for the future?

Darcy: My mum tells us to be whoever we want to be in our lives. I want to be like Lionel Messi or maybe better than him when I grow up.

Ellie: I want to be a famous gymnast. I train for 10 hours a week and I love it. I am so good at gymnastics and if I can do it all day, I would. I’d like to also be an engineer or inventor because I love making things. Maybe I will also volunteer to be a fireman because I like saving people.

Have these always been your plans?

Darcy: No, I didn’t know who he (Messi) was till I came home. But I am a very good footballer and I am in two academies. I love playing football and I could play every day if I was allowed or if I didn’t do chores or want to watch TV. I love watching YouTube in my pyjamas but I always do my chores first because I like to be organised.

Ellie: No, I wanted to be a teaching assistant when I was small. I didn’t know I could be a gymnast or engineer. But now I think anyone can be anything. Just give it a go. I give everything a go at least one time. Except new foods, which I have to try 27 times before I can say hate it. I’m so glad because I don’t have to eat mushrooms anymore as they are too disgusting.

For people thinking of adopting, what is your message, if you have one?

Darcy: You need to be prepared that kids scream. And they might say horrible stuff they don’t actually mean. Love them as much as you can because they will love you and they need to know you love them. And don’t ignore them. Kids need to be listened to and they need to speak, even when they aren’t speaking to you then just listen.

Don’t shout at them when they scream, maybe just cuddle them. It works on my sister because she stops screaming. It’s very stressful when children are screaming in the house for other children. But sometimes I get ice cream or gummy sweets when my sister is screaming so that is nice because ice cream makes everything better. That’s what my dad says. My favourite ice cream is the one with marshmallows that is vegetarian.

Ellie: It is going to be very difficult for about one year but then it will get better. Your children will be stressed but it’s okay they just need cuddles because you need four cuddles every day to survive and seven cuddles every day to have a happy life.

Adoption does help other people’s lives and makes children happy. Sometimes it makes children sad because they have been taken away from their birth families. But once you can message or Facetime your birth family, and you know they love you and they didn’t want you to leave. Then everything feels better. You just feel more comfortable and relaxed. Anyway you are just a normal family but you didn’t come out of your mummy’s belly.

If you enjoyed reading this article, why not buy me a coffee to show your support for the magazine? If you’d like to read more articles about adoption, health and well-being, and parenting, head over to the home page and have a look at what’s new.

My hope for our children is that they grow up understanding and embracing their history. I want them to feel safe and secure with us but also to have a relationship with their birth family. Helping them to feel they can talk to us about everything will definitely help.

Growing up knowing about their birth history isn’t going to be easy for our kids. It’s going to be a difficult process. I can’t imagine how they’ll feel when they learn and understand more about their birth mum and her circumstances.

I hope as they get older and understand more, they’ll let us help them work through their feelings. And that they’ll let us support them if they need more specialist help.

Adoptee Support

Specialist support is something that our children may feel they need as they get older. I therefore want to highlight some of the resources that are available as I certainly wasn’t aware of what’s out there. Again, a good place to start is PAC-UK. This article last week highlighted the services they provide to birth parents.

PAC-UK offers a wide range of services for adoptees in London and Leeds. They provide an advice line, face to face and telephone counselling. Their services also include help to find adoption records and act as intermediaries to contact birth families.

I think this is the part that worries me the most. We live in an age of social media, and I know that in a few clicks, my children will be able to find some if not all of their birth family. My hope is that we can do it in a managed and supported way so that it has the best chance of succeeding.

Full details of all of the services PAC-UK provide for adults adopted as children can be found here. If you live in Yorkshire and Humber, Adopteens is a brilliant resource for anyone with adopted children aged 11 to 18. I’m hoping there’s something like this available in our area.

Adult adoptee stories

Another great resource for adopters is reading adoptee stories. They are an excellent way for us to learn and understand what our children need from us. How to be adopted has a lot of thought-provoking posts and is an excellent place to start. Claire’s interview in Grazia Magazine is a must read for adoptive parents. It brought home to me the complexities of emotions our children are going to have to deal with, particularly if they decide to become parents.

I’ve been able to share a lot of adoptee stories in the magazine, mainly from adults, but also from some wonderful kids too. I’ve done a round-up article which links to a lot of the stories, but you can find them all in Adoptee Support section of the magazine.

If you’re an adoptee and have used an excellent support service or resource, let me know about it so I can share it with everyone.

One of the best things that an adoptee can hear from someone wanting to adopt is “do you have any advice?” This message has popped up in my adoption Instagram direct messages more times than I can count.

I started my page as an outlet for me to learn how to cope with adoption trauma, a trauma I didn’t even know existed until 18 years into my adoption. Don’t get me wrong, my adoptive parents are phenomenal people. My mom is my best friend. But back in 2001 when I was adopted, people weren’t talking about adoption the way they are now. And had they been, my experience could have been a bit better.

Seeing so many prospective adoptive parents contact me asking for advice, I decided to reach out to my growing adoption following on Instagram and get their advice. I had no issue putting my input in, but I am only one person with one experience. I opened the communication up to the community and responses came flowing in.

Interracial adoptees saying that they would have liked to grow up in an urban area, as opposed to being the only person who looks like them in their school. Many individuals commented begging adoptive parents to go to therapy, individual and family. Validation was another big one. Many adoptees feel like they must be silent about their negative feelings, as they’re often times told to feel “grateful” and “lucky” when many of us suffer from severe mental health issues that directly correlate with our adoptions. Validation of those feelings is so important.

The one that really got to me when I was sorting through responses, was the amount of adoptees who mentioned that their adoption was hidden from them. In addition to responding to this prompt posted, many Late Discovery Adoptees (LDA) messaged me individually. Many discussed that they no longer had relationships with their adoptive parents, as they were so hurt and angry that such a huge part of their identity had been hidden from them for so long.

My heart broke at the mere thought of having to find out that information so late in life. Adoption is a huge part of an adoptees identity. We deserve to know where we come from, and make the choice for ourselves if we want to explore our biological roots, with no feeling of guilt attached.

Make a safe space for your child. Reassure them that you will be there with them along the journey. Remind them that it is THEIR story for THEM to share when they are ready. Adoption is exciting for adoptive parents, but adoptive parents need to remember that the sensitive details of how that child came to be part of your family is not their business to share to the world.

My biological parents suffered from drug addiction. But never did my adoptive parents take it upon themselves to add that into conversation with individuals when discussing me or my adoption. It is no one’s business, except the child’s and the adoptive parents. And if the child at some point wants to share that information to people on their own, they can.

Adoption is complicated. It’s hard. It has life long affects on those who are adopted. But as an adoptive parent, you can make it easier. Listen to adult adoptee voices. Validate our experiences. Even if your sister’s co-worker’s daughter adopted and that child is “fine”. Our experiences are real. They’re important. Listening to us will only benefit you in the end and make you the best adoptive parent you can be.

If you’d like read more adoptee experiences, click here

Having conversations about these types of issues is crucial. They help to make sure adopted children get the help and support they need to guide them through their journey of understanding their history and the part it plays in who they are.

Did you feel different to other children when you were growing up because you were adopted or because you were Asian, or both?

Both for sure. I grew up in a predominantly white neighbourhood and was one of only a few Asian students in elementary school through high school. Children could be so mean. I remember they would pull the edges of their eyes back toward their ears, and say, “Me Chinese, me play joke, my put pee pee in your Coke.” However, when I got to college and met other Asian people, I found they didn’t really accept me as one of their own.

When you’re young, you always think your personal situation – whether it’s being an only child, going to church on Sundays, etc. – is normal (for lack of a better word). It had never occurred to me that there was anything abnormal about the fact that my parents and I did not genetically mirror each other.

But the difference you feel being adopted goes further than that. It’s a million little things. For example, when my friends would have brothers or sisters, they would tell me their moms were in the hospital giving birth. I thought babies came from the airport since that’s where I remembered going to get my brother. I kept wondering, “What’s wrong with all these moms that they all seem to go to the hospital?”

Did you get any help or support with how you felt?

I think everyone I spoke to – parents, teachers, etc. – chalked the behaviour of other children up to standard teasing. “Just ignore them” was my mother’s go to advice. And perhaps in any other situation, that might have been the best advice. But when I was growing up, it seemed clear that children weren’t just making fun of the things that made me different, but for who I was. It reinforced the idea I already had that something was wrong with me.

Did you understand what love meant or were you unsure of what it was?

My understanding of love – like my understanding of what it means to be an adoptee – has evolved over the years. It’s another lifelong journey that I think all people go on. When I was younger, I think the way I understood love was through possessions – i.e. my mother has given me a toy, therefore she loves me. However, as I grew into a teenager, the things my mother did to protect me (which were done out of love) like setting curfew, not letting me hang out with certain people, etc. I saw as control.

For what seemed like a long time, I assumed love came from other people – that I would never be worthy of anyone or anything until I was loved by someone outside my immediate family. I needed someone to prove to me that I was worth it. The truest love, I’ve discovered, is the love you have for yourself. It’s what saved me.

Did you know any other adoptees when you were growing up? Did you feel able to talk to them about how you felt?

Growing up, my parents were friends with another couple who had adopted two girls from South America. I also had my brother, who is adopted. But, in all the time we played, trick or treated, or just hung out together we never spoke about being adopted. We were connected on this extremely rare level, but we never acknowledged it which I think is part of a larger desire we (as adoptees) feel to fit in. 

Based on your own experience, what help and support do you think should be available for adopted children / teenagers and adults?

When you’re an adoptee – especially a transracial adoptee – you’re balancing so many different identities. I would have liked some guidance, mentorship, and a community that centred around how to reconcile how the world sees you and how you see yourself, how to live in the in-between, and what it means to be adopted.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but is there anything you wish your parents had done differently that would’ve helped you to face the challenges you experienced as you were growing up?

I am not a parent, therefore I cannot speak to what it takes to raise a child. I do encourage adoptive parents to first listen, create a safe space for your adoptee to share, and to always seek out knowledge from adult adoptees.

It really brings home to me the difficult road my children have ahead of them as they learn more about their history and work out who they are and how it all fits together. Hopefully, by reading about Lauren’s and other adoptee experiences, we can be better prepared to help and support our children.

Do you have access to any documents from your adoption?

When I moved out, my mother gave me everything she had in from my adoption which, unfortunately, wasn’t a lot in terms of answering the questions I had.

What type of documents do you have?  Have they helped you understand why you were adopted?

There were copies of my parents’ marriage certificate, citizenship papers, the adoption application, etc. However, when I was doing research for Inconvenient Daughter, I contacted the adoption agency my parents went through and requested all records they had pertaining to my biological parents.

The only document that gave me insight was the INITIAL SOCIAL HISTORY form which had a brief summary of who my parents were (no names), why they chose to relinquish me for adoption, and some details about their lives.

If you don’t have any documents, is that because they aren’t available or because you haven’t wanted to see them?

I have no desire to be in reunion at this time and have not made an effort to obtain more documents. However, I imagine there might be additional information through the orphanage I was placed in in Korea.

If they aren’t available, is there anything in particular which you think would help you?

I feel like I’ve come a really long way in my adoption journey. As a young adoptee, I struggled to find the vocabulary to explain what I was going through. As an adult (sort of lol), I understand how the trauma of being separated from my biological mother as an infant has informed my identity and influenced my decisions.

All the work I have done since then – finding my voice, reconciling my cultural and racial identities, exploring what it means to be adopted – has really put me on the path to healing from the trauma of infant separation. I feel as if I have closure in terms of all the things I’ll be able to know versus the things I want to know with regard to my relinquishment.

In the UK, adopters usually write a yearly update to birth family. Birth family can respond if they want to. Does that happen in the US? If it does, did your parents do updates and did you get any response? Have you read them?

This is a difficult question so I’ll start with this disclaimer: I can only speak for myself and my personal experience with regard to any and all questions about adoption. I believe every adoptee’s journey and story is unique and would never presume to speak for the entire adoptee community.

That being said, I also cannot speak for every adoption agency’s policies. There are no standard and universal practices – such as writing yearly updates – that are implemented by adoption agencies with regard to contact with the biological family, as far as I am aware. It would seem to me that any policies like this would be implemented at the discretion of the adoption agency or the adoptive parents.

In the United States, we have closed adoptions (no contact with the biological family), open adoptions (the possibility of contact with the biological family), and hybrid versions of the two. I say “the possibility of” when speaking about open adoption because “contact” is usually either at the discretion of the adoptive parents, but is also dependent on how involved the biological parents seek to be.

My adoption was a closed adoption, and to my knowledge my parents have not sent yearly updates to my biological mother.

If it doesn’t, do you think it would have helped you to understand your identity better if it had been done?

For me, my identity and the search for my identity had nothing to do with my biological parents or my adoptive parents. My identity – and the issues I had with it – was not having a support system in place to guide me through what it means to be a transracial adoptee. To mourn the loss of my birth culture while simultaneously having my American culture thrust upon me. And not fully understanding how to exist in the in-between that so many adoptees find themselves in.

Having yearly updates sent to or from my biological mother would have certainly helped answer some questions, but I have to be honest and say I think it would have done much more harm than good.

Do you have any items from your birth family or that your birth family bought for you?

I do not.

If you don’t, would you have liked something?

I would have to say no.

In your opinion, if adopters have documents and keepsakes relating to their children’s adoption and from their birth family, do you think it’s best for adoptees to have access to these from an early age as and when they’re available, or is it better for them to be looked at altogether at an older age?

Since I am not a parent in any capacity, I can’t comment on when adoptive parents should share documents or keepsakes with adoptees.

However, as an adoptee, if my parents had access to documents or keepsakes, I would have liked to receive them at whatever age I inquired about their existence. I also would have preferred to look at these documents or keepsakes alone, but have my adoptive parents be close-by and available should I have had questions or needed support.

What age were you when you were adopted? 

I was three months old when I came from South Korea to the United States.

Can you remember being told you were adopted? If so, is it a positive or sad memory?

I’m not sure if it was a happy or sad memory – more jarring than anything else. It was my first day of kindergarten, and I was sitting at a round table with a few other children when a boy asked me why I didn’t look like my mother. When you’re a child, I think you accept your situation – whether it’s looking different from your parents, eating dinner at 5:00, or going to Sunday mass – as normal. In that moment, I realized there was something different about my family, and I remember being extremely frightened.

Did you feel like you could speak to your parents about adoption as you were growing up?

My parents made it very clear they were always open to my brother and me asking questions about our adoption. I would go a step further and say if we wanted to search, I’m 100% sure they would have supported us there too.

Were you able to ask them questions about your birth family?  Were they able to answer them?

One thing I think that’s common in most adoptees is that we’ve been raised by the gospel of adoption. We’ve been told from a young age how blessed and lucky we are, how miraculous and kind it is that our parents took in an unwanted child.

These notions of being blessed and lucky, at least for me, gave birth to a sort of obligatory gratitude. It’s not easy to ask you parents about the two people who were physically responsible for bringing you into this world. So, as much as I was curious about my biological mother and the circumstances surrounding my relinquishment, I felt a deep need not to rock the boat.

Did you and your family receive any support to help you understand your birth history? 

I like to think adoption has come a long way since the 80s, but since I haven’t adopted a child I can’t say for sure. I believe my parents did the best with the resources they had available to them, but I think more could have been offered in the way of support and community.

My adoption agency actually advised my parents not to tell me I was adopted – that I would just “know”. I hope adoptive parents now have much better resources and support systems in place to help their adoptee understand what it means to be adopted and how to reconcile the feelings that come with it.

Have you met your birth family?  

I am not in reunion and have no plans to be in reunion.

If there are unknowns about your history, how does that make you feel?

I believe two things – every adoptee journey is different, and the adoptee journey is lifelong. At this point in my journey, I feel I’ve accepted the fact there are some things I’ll just never know.

As a younger adoptee, I felt defined by those unknowns. Specifically regarding the reason behind my relinquishment. The fact that I didn’t know why I was placed for adoption haunted me and had a significant impact on how I perceived my self-worth.

From your own experience, how can adopters help and support their children through this, particularly when there’s missing information and gaps?

I think the most important thing any adoptive parent can do is create a safe space for their child to talk about their adoption. There are going to be things said and asked in that space that might hurt you or make you uncomfortable, but your child needs to know they can ask those difficult questions.

I could see my mother’s face change when I asked about my biological mother – I could see the pain move through her entire body. Obviously, it’s a natural reaction. But I think if you can try to control your reactions so that your child doesn’t feel bad about asking tough questions, they might be more likely to talk to you. Also, for the record, I am not a parent.

The topic for Lauren’s next feature will be about the types of documents she has access to from her adoption. If you’d like to ask her any questions about this, just comment below. Lauren’s debut novel, Inconvenient Daughter is available now from Blackwells

One of the things that have taken a back seat in my life since I became a mum, is reading. I’ve always loved to read and losing myself in a gripping novel is something I’ve really missed.  Reviewing Lauren’s book has been the perfect opportunity for me to get back into it. I’ve been surprised at how easy it is to squeeze in half an hour here and there so it’s something I’ve promised myself I’m going to stick to.

Lauren kindly sent me a copy of her book so that I could do the review.

Inconvenient Daughter is a story exploring Rowan’s struggle to work out where she fits into the world as she grows up. She was adopted from Korea when she was a young child, by a white American family. As she grows up, her feelings of isolation and not belonging escalate and start to rule her life.

The story is fast paced and keeps you engaged on every page. It moves in time from the present, to explore certain times in Rowan’s past. That’s something I don’t usually like in novels, but I think it works really well here. The time frames are clear and easy to follow which is good if, like me, you’re dipping in and out of the book when time allows.

As an adoptive parent, it’s given me an insight into some of the feelings my daughters may experience as they grow up. The portrayal of Rowan’s relationship with the only mum she’s ever known is key throughout the story. The way her adult self is able to understand her mum’s feelings and actions when she looks back at her younger self, is fascinating.

Rowan is adopted, but that doesn’t make the story one which only adoptees will relate to. It covers a lot of issues that will strike a chord with many people who feel they don’t know where they belong and struggling to work out their identity and where they fit in.

I really enjoyed the book and would definitely recommend it. It’s re-ignited my passion for reading stories and I’m looking forward to reading Lauren’s next novel.  Inconvenient Daughter is available to buy from a number of places, including Blackwells in the UK.

Lauren is going do a regular feature in the magazine over the next few months, sharing her experiences of adoption. It will be fortnightly with a specific topic being covered in each feature. Readers will be able to ask her questions about the topics to get a better insight into some of the issues faced by adoptees. She’s answered a few questions about herself to give you a bit of background.

Tell us about yourself

Hi! My name is Lauren and I am a Korean American transracial adoptee. Originally, I’m from Long Island, New York (it’s the little piece of land hanging off New York and looks kind of like a fish). However, last year I moved to Pittsburgh with my boyfriend. We live in an area called the Strip District, and there’s a doughnut shop four blocks from my apartment so I’m pretty happy here.

I’m a writer – my first book Inconvenient Daughter was published on June 23^rd, and I currently have another book in progress. In my spare time, I enjoy baking, watching Netflix, and spin class!

What’s your favourite thing to do on a day off?

My favourite thing to do is to wake up naturally, without my alarm. Even though my body’s used to waking up early and the latest I usually sleep is probably close to 8:30AM, I love not having to hit the snooze button. I usually make breakfast – pancakes, eggs, bacon (of course) – which is something I don’t normally do on a day I have work.

Then I like to take a walk around my neighbourhood, do some shopping (there’s also lots of bakeries, chocolateries, and a shop completely dedicated to popcorn in short distance), and get some writing done.

What’s your favourite book and why?

It’s hard to pin down my favourite book. My favourite type of book is one in which I can find a piece of myself in the character.  Whether it’s something the character is going through or where they live, I always like discovering we have something in common. I also love stories that change you. At the end of a really good book, I always find that I’m a different person because of it.

What inspired you to write “Inconvenient Daughter”?

So, it was definitely a combination of a lot of things. But I think the real inspiration behind Inconvenient Daughter was a desire to let other adoptees know they weren’t alone in their experience. That their voices and story matter, and hopefully begin to pave the way for others to share their stories.

Is any of it based on your experience of growing up as a transracially adopted child?

The first draft of Inconvenient Daughter was actually my thesis for graduate school, which had started as a memoir. There are definitely elements of my life and experience that I gave to Rowan. But the deeper I got into the book, I chose to make it a novel in order to fully explore the themes and characters I had in mind.

What was your childhood like?

I had a happy childhood – loving parents, vacations in the summer, an allowance when I actually did my chores. But as an Asian person growing up in a predominantly white neighbourhood, I struggled to find reflections of myself in others and it had a tremendous effect on my identity.

You’re going to be doing a regular feature in We Made a Wish magazine. What do you want to achieve from that? 

There are two things I wish I’d had as a young adoptee – community and resources. For so long, I felt there was no one out there like me. Furthermore, I lacked the vocabulary to adequately express how and what I was feeling. My hope is to give back to the adoption community in a meaningful way. To let others know they aren’t alone, someone is listening, and hopefully to provide some resources for growth and healing.