Here’s our experience of introductions with our youngest daughter, when our eldest was four years old.

How old was your child when you met them?

Our youngest was five and a half months old. She was just trying to sit up and was teething.

What did you do to prepare for meeting your child?

We did the same as we’d done for our eldest but with her included. A4 laminated photos of us and our eldest. We slept with a snuggle toy and our eldest picked a cuddly toy and slept with it for a few nights. My mum made a fabric photo book of us and our immediate family. As it was made from fabric, our daughter could play with it on her own safely. It was lovely to see it covered in gunk and dribble when we met her.

We bought pour eldest a book about becoming a big sister which she loved. It came with two pairs of socks, one big sister pair and one little sister pair. She was so excited about giving them to her little sister.

How long after matching panel did introductions start?

Two weeks. With our eldest it was just over a week. I was glad of the extra week between panel and introductions with our youngest.

Due to a ridiculously long wait to get our DBS checks back, we’d missed our original approval panel date. That meant we did approval and matching panel on the same day which I found very stressful. Having a couple of weeks to sort everything out helped me gain a little bit of control back.

When did you get the introductions plan?

Before panel. We had to factor in when our eldest was going to join in so there was more discussion needed than there’d been for her.

How long were introductions planned for?

Six days.

Did you have far to travel for introductions?

No. The foster family lived about 15 minutes away from us.

What happened on the first day? How did it go? How did you feel at the end of it?

We’d agreed that it would be best for my husband and I to meet our youngest on our own for a couple of visits before we introduced our eldest to her. Eldest had just started school and we didn’t want to disrupt her routine.

Originally we’d said we thought introductions should start during half term so that eldest would be off. It was decided that although it was only a couple of weeks later than the local authority’s plan, that was too long for youngest to wait.

I was very nervous about how this would work with eldest. It meant youngest was home for a few weeks before half term. In the end it worked out for the best as it gave my husband and I time to bond with youngest on her own while eldest was at school.

Day one was a Thursday and just my husband and I. We had a planning meeting at the council offices first (which we were late for because of traffic!). Then the foster carer left the meeting first to get youngest ready and we followed on to her house.

When we met our eldest for the first time, I felt a connection with her, but it took me a long time to love her. I wrote a few years ago about how I felt in this blog published a few years ago and was expecting to feel the same with youngest. I didn’t though. She looked very like her sister did at that age and I loved her from the second I saw her.

We stayed at the foster carers for a couple of hours. They were the same foster family who’d cared for eldest so it was lovely to catch up with them. They’d never moved on sisters separately before so it was a lovely experience for them too.

I was actually more nervous starting introductions with youngest than I was with eldest. With eldest we had no idea what to expect but we were newbie parents so it didn’t feel like anyone expected us to know what to do. With youngest, people kept saying we were experienced parents and adopters. That meant they thought we knew what we were doing. That terrified me. It felt like I had no clue what I was doing most of the time.

Knowing the foster carers and being in familiar surroundings definitely helped. I still got a fright when I saw our photos plastered all over the house though!

What were the next few days like?

We met her on our own again on day two. We stayed at the foster carers and we were pretty much left to it with the foster carer in the next room. Once again the foster family had done a brilliant job of using our photos and the photo book to help youngest feel at ease with us. She was happy to be in our company straight away.

Day three was a Saturday and is when our eldest met her sister. She was so, so excited. Writing this now brings back so many emotions from that day. The foster family were excited to see eldest, and foster dad wanted to answer the door to us holding youngest so he could see her face when she saw her baby sister for the first time.

I was excited but also terrified that eldest hadn’t really understood what was going to happen, and decided she didn’t want a sister!  The main reason we’d said yes to being assessed for youngest was so that they could grow up together.

I needn’t have worried. Eldest blew me away when she met her sister and coped with everything so well. She adored her from the second she saw her. And youngest was so excited to meet her big sister too. That day will always be one of the most emotional days of my life.

We stayed at the foster carers house for a few hours and then came home. We went back again late afternoon to help with bedtime routine. Eldest was very keen to help!

At what stage did your child visit your home?

Day four. I think it would’ve been a day earlier had we not had a few days with her on our own.

How did that work?

The foster carer brought her to our house about 10 ish. She had a quick look at her room and stayed for about 20 minutes and then left us to it for the day. We had our first family trip to the park where we’d spent a lot of our time during introductions with our eldest. It was a lovely day and eldest coped so well with everything. We all took youngest back to their house for bedtime routine.

The following day was a Monday so we took eldest to school and then went to collect youngest from the foster carer’s and bring her home for the day. I was worried eldest wouldn’t want to go to school, but we’d promised to bring her little sister with us to collect her so she was actually fine about it.

We’d talked to her teachers about what was going to happen and they were brilliant. They were really excited to see her with us in the yard collecting eldest.

Did you have any contact with yours or your child’s social worker during introductions?

Yes, they both checked in regularly either by phone or email to check everything was ok.

Did introductions last as long as planned?

Yes. We brought youngest home forever on the Tuesday. It was exactly four years to the day after we’d met eldest for the first time so everyone was keen to keep to that date so that it was special for both children. Six days doesn’t sound like very long to get to know a child, but it was just the right length. Youngest was starting to get distressed when we took her back to the foster family at the end of each day.

How did you get on with the foster carers?

Brilliantly. It helped so much that they were also the carers for eldest. We felt a lot more relaxed at their home during introductions second time around because we already knew them. I’m so glad everything fell into place the way that it did so they could look after her.

It was such a special time for them too. Foster mum said that she normally gets really upset when she starts packing a child’s suitcase to leave for their forever family, but she hadn’t with youngest. She knew she was going to live with her sister and she was so excited for them to be together.

The foster family will always be such a special part of our children’s history. I’m very grateful that the local authority made sure they had the same carers.

Were there any problems during introductions? If so what and how were they resolved?

No. Both sets were incredibly draining emotionally, but they went as well as we could have hoped for.

If you enjoyed reading this article, why not buy me a coffee to show your support for the magazine? If you’d like to read more articles about adoption, head over to the home page and have a look at what’s new.

How old was your child when you met him?

C was 10 months old.

What did you do to prepare for meeting him?

So, I did several things. I made a picture book with very basic text including pictures of our house and the main rooms he’d use. I also did a DVD of me showing him around the house which was super cheesey

He had laminated A4 pics of me in his cot and in his pram – poor kid! And finally he had a bunny with a voice box in. I had slept with bunny in my bed so it had my smell. The voice box had me reading him a bedtime story which he also had so that the foster carer could read it to him.

How long after matching panel did introductions start?

About two weeks I think.

When did you get the introductions plan?

Just after matching panel.

How long were introductions planned for?

Seven days in total.

Did you have far to travel for introductions?  If you did, did you stay in a hotel or travel each day?

From mine to the foster carer was about 20 miles one way. I stayed at my house but I have to say, if I did it again, I would stay nearer. Even a 40 mile round trip was exhausting with the added emotions!!

What happened on the first day? How did it go? How did you feel at the end of it?

I remember it like it was yesterday! I knocked on the door and he was on the floor playing. Foster carer and his social worker were there and said ‘here’s mummy’. It felt very strange!! Social worker took pictures. I felt really awkward but C was just so cute! I only stayed for a couple of hours. I didn’t really want to leave and couldn’t wait to go back the next day.

What were the next few days like?

I found introductions emotionally very hard. The foster carer couldn’t have been nicer. She was really good at letting me do things even though it must have been hard for her. But it was strange being in someone’s house, being watched, not knowing C or what he liked.

We took him out and about and I slowly got to know him a bit better. I got to take him out on my own which was very weird but also lovely. I was desperate to get to my house and be in my own space with familiar things.

At what stage did your child visit your home?

He started to visit on day three.

How did that work?

I’d go and get him in the morning and bring him home. Time increased gradually. On day three it was just for a couple of hours and then by day six he was sleeping here and spent most of the day here.

I remember it feeling like a lot of work, mainly because it was an 80 mile round trip to get him and take him back to the foster carer’s. I also had to lug all his personal possessions back with me which included his special pillow, cot mobile and general baby stuff.

Did you have any contact with yours or your child’s social worker during introductions?

Yes and they were brilliant. I couldn’t have asked for more. They made contact but were also sensitive to allow us time and space to get to know each other! I was mainly texting his social worker and spoke to mine on a couple of occasions.

Did they last as long as planned?

Yes. Planned for seven days and on day seven he moved in forever.

How did you get on with the foster carers?

K was lovely! We got on really well and still do! She was very good at letting us get on with it. I felt very welcome in her house and it was clear she adored C and had given him the best start that she could. Even though introductions were very hard work physically and emotionally, I think they went as well as they could.

Were there any problems during introductions?  If so what and how were they resolved?

No issues really! I feel very lucky that it all went so smoothly. I’ve never been so tired in my life, even since he’s arrived and we’ve had sleepless nights. The emotional energy is on another level!

If you enjoyed reading this article, why not buy me a coffee to show your support for the magazine? If you’d like to read more articles about adoption, head over to the home page and have a look at what’s new.

How old were your children when you met them?

We have four adopted children aged eight, five, three and nearly a two year old. Our first was 15 months old when we met him, then two years later we were approved again and met our second son when he was just three and a half months old. That was a foster to adopt placement.

Two years later and a sibling came along so we were approved again! Our third son was seven months old when we met him. Just a year later another sibling was born, we met her at five months of age and she moved in with us through a connected persons placement.

What did you do to prepare for meeting your children? 

For each of our children we slept with a cuddly toy or a snuggly blankie for the youngest ones. This gave them something with our smell before we actually met them.

We printed out large pictures of ourselves, our pets and then children included and laminated them. The foster carer was able to show them to our children and leave them about the house. Apparently our eldest would really laugh every time he saw them! We did an audio book for our eldest but things moved more quickly with our other three and so we didn’t get that done.

How long after matching panel did introductions start?

Our first adoption was a ‘normal’ straight forward adoption. From matching panel to actually meeting him it was 10 days. Our second was foster to adopt so matching panel comes later in the process once little one had a placement order. Our third adoption was a sibling and we actually started our intros and then three days in we had matching panel! This was only allowed as we were ‘connected persons’. Our fourth was foster to adopt again so matching panel was later down the line.

When did you get the introductions plan?

I can’t remember exact timings but I know it’s always been fairly last minute. And then it has always needed tweaking. For our third and fourth adoptions, we had much more involvement with the planning of it and how it would work for us. We alrerady had children then so it needed to take thier needs into account. The plan then had to fit round what worked for foster carer and baby’s routine and of course what the social workers wanted.

How long were introductions planned for?

Fr our first it was two weeks long which was exhausting all round. I do think that our son needed that time though as he was a very anxious little boy.

Our second which was fostering to adopt and was a seven day introduction. Again just right for us all.

For our third the original plan was for introductions to be two weeks long. We managed to get it shortened to 12 days in the lead up as felt it too much for everyone. 10 days in, it was all going well but the driving back and forth (one hour away) was getting too much for our children and baby so he came home for keeps a day earlier.

Introductions with our youngest were seven days.

Did you have far to travel for introductions? If you did, did you stay in a hotel or travel each day?

Our eldest was in foster care just 15 minutes from our home which was amazing for introductions. Our second and third were an hour away which was manageable travelling back and forth. We had one night away so we could do bed routine and arrive the following day for wake up time.

Our fourth was two hours away but because of our three children at home already and wanting to keep them in their routine as much as possible, we still travelled back and forth with just a one overnight stay. We were offered the opportunity to have a self contained house for our whole family but we felt it would be quite disruptive for our children.

What happened on the first day? How did it go? How did you feel at the end of it?

I remember each first day so well. All those mixed feelings, excitement and anxiety and that the day had finally come after what felt like forever. The first day is never long enough.

I have felt differently each time. Always eager to get back the next day though! My first and third I wasn’t instantly smitten, that bond and love for them grew over time. They were definitely both much more traumatised so it was harder to connect with them.

With my second and fourth I was so smitten after just the first day. When I didn’t have that instant connection with the other two, I just got on with mum mode and definitely had in my mind ‘fake it till you make it, fake it till you make it!’ And we did get there.

What were the next few days like?

The next few days I just wanted to soak up as much time as I could with the children. Bombarding the foster carer with questions! And just getting to know the children. Lots of cuddles mainly. And sleeping, they all had a habit of falling asleep in my husbands arms.

At what stage did your child visit your home?

I think each time round it was about half way through intros that the children visited our home and always with the foster carer for the first visit.

How did that work?

It always went really well. We had four fabulous foster carers who very much let us get on with things and went above and beyond to help settle our little ones in.

Did you have any contact with your or your child’s social worker during introductions?

Contact with social workers for each introductions was always on the first day that we met the children. It was the child’s social worker present with our own social worker checking in by phone afterwards. Then the only contact was via phone or email to check that we were happy with how everything was going. Foster carers are also contacted and they feed back how they think it is going and it has always been very positive thankfully!

Did they last as long as planned?

One of our introductions was cut short by a day as everyone was getting exhausted and little one seemed ready.

How did you get on with the foster carers?

We got on really well with all four foster carers. They genuinely cared for the children and wanted what was best for them and to make the intros go as well as could be. After a day or two in, they very much just let us get on with it! They are now our children’s god parents and we keep in touch and meet up regularly.

Were there any problems during introductions? If so what and how were they resolved?

No problems thankfully.

If you enjoyed reading this article, why not buy me a coffee to show your support for the magazine? If you’d like to read more articles about adoption, head over to the home page and have a look at what’s new.

How many children have you fostered and how many have you moved on to adoption? 

We’ve fostered 28 children and moved 10 on to adoption.

At what stage do you start to tell children that they’re going to move to their forever family?

We usually have an idea of the permanency plan a couple of months before it happens. But I have seen introductions start a couple of days after the judge has made the decision. As soon as we have a clear idea of which way the decision is going to go, we will start talking (in an age-appropriate way) about forever mummy and daddy. It’s so difficult talking to a child about moving on, but we always speak excitedly and positively about the new family.

We generally know a little bit about the new family and will plant seeds in the child’s head. So for example, if the new family have a dog or lives near a park, then we’ll talk about how exciting it would be to have a forever family that has a dog or who lives near a park. Then it can feel like it was their choice when they meet their family for the first time and discover they have a dog.

The adopters provide a book that they’ve made with photos of them and their home so we make a big fuss about everything in the book! We go through the book hundreds of times, reinforcing the fact that “they wanted a dog or to be near a park”. And how exciting it all is.

About a week before introductions start we receive a DVD that the adopters have made and sit all the family down together to watch it. Everyone would be really excited and make a big fuss of the child, pointing out things like, “Look at your bedroom! You wanted bunk beds!” The DVD would be watched hundreds of times!

What do you do to prepare a child for introductions?

We talk about what is going to happen in an age-appropriate way. With younger ones, it was more about going through the book and watching the DVD to keep them fresh in their head.

We once had two little girls from two different families being adopted separately around the same time. The first to be adopted noticed that her new home had a blue door when we watched her DVD.

The second little girl was telling everyone that she wanted a pink door. When I met her adoptive mum, I mentioned that she wanted a pink door. When we received her DVD she had painted her front door pink!!

What are the best things for adopters can create to help their children learn about them?

It’s age-relevant really. Little ones need visuals, so a book with photos of them, their house, their bedroom, any pets, the local park etc. Older children the same or a video. But hopefully, if the adopter has some feedback from the foster carer, then include photos of things the child likes. So, for example, a bike, Lego, plaiting hair etc. Don’t overthink it. The video doesn’t have to be long. Make it fun and engaging.

One family sang row, row, row the boat but it went on forever!! The child lost interest after a couple of minutes. Another mum filmed herself putting lots of strawberries in her mouth which the child absolutely cracked up and loved!

What advice would you give to adopters about introductions? What can they do to prepare?

The most important thing is not to rush in and try and take over. It upsets the child and the carer. Be patient and move at the child’s pace. Don’t feel upset if after the first and second day the child still isn’t coming to you for things. If a child has formed good attachments to their carer, they will go on to form good attachments with you. But it won’t happen overnight.

Feel confident that if the child absolutely adores the carer, then the carer has done a good job and the child will move their affections to you.

Listen to the carer. The introductions plan may say to do one thing, but the carer may suggest something else. They aren’t trying to be difficult, they want the best outcome for the child. I think patience is the key.

Please also be mindful of how the carer is feeling. We open our homes to adopters at a time when we’re emotionally exhausted because we’re about to move on a child that we’ve loved and cherished for a long period of time. That’s tough.

How long do introductions usually last? How do they work?

Introductions usually last between one and two weeks, depending on the age of the child. It’s very intense for all involved!

The first day the adopters arrive, we don’t make a big fuss. They come in and have a cup of tea and everyone is sussing everyone else out. They stay for a couple of hours and go. The next day they stay for a couple of hours longer. The next day we might go out to the park and I’ll start to take a back seat.

The next day they will take the child out for most of the day then come back and do dinner, bath and bedtime routine. We slowly build up until they have taken over our routine. Depending on the age of the child, a sleepover at their new home may happen. We drop the child and pick them up the next day. It’s an exhausting time for everyone. As the end approaches, everyone should be ready for the move.

How do you and your family prepare yourselves for a child leaving and moving in with their forever family?

It’s the hardest thing in the world to prepare for. It’s like a bereavement. Of course, you are always happy for all involved but inside a piece of you is dying. I lose weight and spend most nights crying leading up to the introductions. I used to keep the baby’s pyjamas under my pillow so when they left I could inhale their smell!

We really try to get to know the adopters and make them feel comfortable and at ease. We keep in touch with almost all adopters we’ve moved children on to.

Our boys were three and five when we started fostering and it has really played a massive part in their growing up. Moving children on really affected them as well. Also, my parents and my husband’s parents get upset. I always say it never gets any easier moving children on, but I’ve learned to cope with it better.

We’ve not had any support from social services either during or after introductions. But we’re lucky to have amazing friends to pick us up and look after us and a big glass of wine always helps!

If you’d like to read more adoption stories, click here

Meeting your child for the first time when you’re adopting is like nothing else you’ll ever experience. It’s one of those things that unless you’ve been through it, you can’t really understand what it’s like.

You’re meeting little people who already have likes, dislikes, routines and favourite toys. They’ve also experienced some level of trauma and so meeting them has to be at their pace. They already have an attachment to the people who’ve cared for them, often for many months and so need to learn how to transfer that attachment to you.

Adopters have to go into a strangers home looking like they know what they’re doing and soak up as much information about them as they can. And at the same time, try to get to know the child who’s going to be your son or daughter.

How do adoption introductions work?

Adoption Introductions or transitions as they’re sometimes called, usually take place over at least a week. The older the child, or if it’s a sibling group, the long they’ll take. Our daughter’s were both under one when we met them, and introductions were just under a week. That’s a really short space of time to get to know your child and for them to get to know and trust you enough to start to settle.

The process will differ depending on all sorts of circumstances. But generally, the first day will be at the foster carers home where you’ll spend perhaps a couple of hours. The amount of time you spend there will gradually increase and you’ll start to take over more of the caring role from the foster carer.

You’ll go out initially with the foster carer, and then on your own. And then the venue will move to your home, again initially with the foster carer and then on your own.

There should be regular reviews to make sure everyone is happy. And then on the final day, you collect your child for the foster carers for the last time and bring your child home. This is an extremely emotional time for everyone involved. Foster carers are saying goodbye to a child they’ve loved for often many months. The child is being taken away from their home to go and live with strangers. Adopters have to manage all of those big emotions and there own as well.

Tips to help you prepare for introductions

So, how do you prepare for something like that? Can you prepare for something like that?

I’ve asked adopters who’ve been through introductions what advice they’d give anyone about to start. Here’s their top tips:

• Take some time for you before you start. Make the most of long baths, lie-ins and free time.
• Batch cook meals in the weeks leading up to them so you’ve got easy food when you get home.
• Make sure you have plenty of snacks and drinks with you. For you and kids.
• Don’t have high expectations about how things will go, particularly for the first few days. Take each day as it comes.
• Don’t worry if you get things wrong. That’s what parenting is all about.
• Keep a record of what you did and how your felt at the end of each day.
• Find out what your child’s favourite colour is and try to wear it.
• See if you can find out foster carer’s perfume or aftershave and have a spray of it so you smell familiar and safe.
• If you have a partner, make sure you talk through your feelings with them. It’s ok if you both don’t feel an instant connection. Be patient and the feelings will come.
• Take lots of photos and videos.
• Accept that being at the foster carer’s home is a false situation and not real life. Stick to their routines until your child is home.
• If you’re travelling a long distance for intros and have to stay over, take little luxuries like candles and beauty products.
• Ask as many questions as you need to.

If you enjoyed reading this article, why not buy me a coffee to show your support for the magazine? If you’d like to read more articles about adoption, health and well-being, and parenting, head over to the home page and have a look at what’s new.

How old were your child(ren) when you met them?

Just under a year old when we met.

What did you do to prepare for meeting them?

We slept with a soft toy and made some large laminated photos of us. The foster carer put the photos where they’d be seen by little one regularly.

We asked lots of questions, particularly to the foster carer, about little one’s development, routines, personality and much more.

How long after matching panel did adoption introductions start?

Introductions started about three weeks after matching panel. Between linking and matching it was almost three months which was a frustrating delay at the time.

When did you get the introductions plan?

If I remember rightly I think it was after matching panel so probably about a week or so before introductions.

How long were introductions planned for?

Our introductions were planned for nine days.

Did you have far to travel for introductions?

We travelled daily as our journey wasn’t particularly lengthy.

What happened on the first day? How did it go? How did you feel at the end of it?

Our visit lasted a few hours and started around mid morning. We gave our little one a bit of space initially but interacted playfully so as not to overwhelm too much. This helped us to start building a positive relationship at the same time.

I felt excited and anxious on the first day. Excited that the day had finally arrived when I would meet our little one and start my journey as a mama, but also anxious whether there would be an instant connection and how little one would respond to us. For us there was a spark between us from day one, which was amazing.

After the day was over I felt knackered but on cloud nine and couldn’t wait to see little one the next day.

What were the next few days like?

As we built our relationship with our little one we took on more responsibilities for their care and the foster carer took a step back. Our experience was very positive and each day we felt that our little one was feeling more and more comfortable being looked after by us. There were really positive signs that they understood that we were their primary carers (rather than the foster carers) and starting to attach to us.

The days were of course exhausting and we really felt the need to debrief each evening (mostly at a pub or over a take-away, as the thought of cooking was too much to comprehend!). We also tried to get as much rest as possible. I found that difficult as I couldn’t stop thinking about little one and counting down the hours until we’d see them again.

At what stage did your child visit your home?

On day four of introductions

How did that work?

Again their first visit to our home was a very positive experience. They were accompanied by the foster carer but were very comfortable in our care and happily played for the few hours that the visit lasted.

Did you have any contact with your or your child’s social worker during introductions?

Yes, on the first and last days as well as at a mid point meeting which reviewed how things were going. We were also able to contact them via phone or email. I think they were also in daily contact with the foster carers.

Did they last as long as planned?

Yes

How did you get on with the foster carers?

Really well. They made us feel really welcome and supported us in getting to know our little one. Before we met little one, they gave us a lot of detailed information which meant we could fully take on our little one’s care whilst we were in their home. They balanced the need to take a backseat so we could be primary carers whilst letting us know what little ones routines and preferences and so on were.

Were there any problems during introductions? If so what and how were they resolved?

No

If you enjoyed reading this article, why not buy me a coffee to show your support for the magazine? If you’d like to read more articles about adoption, head over to the home page and have a look at what’s new.