You do have to do all of that though, and more, if you decide you’d like to be a parent through adoption. And there’s a very good reason for that. Children who need to be adopted have already suffered trauma and loss in their short lives.

The assessment needs to make sure that adopters are as prepared as possible for the types of things they’ll need to deal with. It also needs to make sure that the people being assessed are have the skills to be (more than) good enough parents.

Wannabemums wrote this very honest post that was originally published in 2023 about the assessment and how she found it. You can follow her journey on Instagram.

The road to adoption panel

Last week I was approved to adopt after a 14-month journey. If I had known what would be involved in becoming approved when I started, would I have gone ahead with it? Now that we’re approved, a million times yes. But there were times along the way that I was seriously thinking of throwing in the towel. Here are some of the things I discovered…

The adoption assessment: It’s sloooow

The first hurdle is realising that this isn’t like anything else you face in life – most of which can be spun through with enthusiasm and a bit of elbow grease. It dawns on you quite quickly (the fastest thing that does happen in this process) this isn’t something that can just be ticked off. No matter how smiley and compliant you are on the training days or how many books you read, they aren’t going to just give you a kid without looking under every pebble in your life.

For some people, this is the advertised six months. For lots, it does take longer. People are often asked to clear up areas of their lives that aren’t quite ready, whether that’s practical, medical or psychological.

Progress can seem glacial; the red tape voluminous; the necessary social worker appointments bumped by weeks. At the start, this will have you raging, but try and remember that when you have a child you won’t have the luxury of time and treat yourself to nice ways to fill it.

A year ago I was champing at the bit to skip to the end. But now I’m pleased I had time to work on myself and spend time just with my partner.

You’re not the client

It soon becomes clear that the relationship with your social worker is like no other you’ll have experienced. In that they’re focused on assessing you but not in a service relationship. It’s hard for some couples to get this. We’ve all had a grumble at what’s expected of us, as we bare our souls and bank balances to judgement.

But once you realise that the future child is the client, it becomes easier. Of course, they can ask you to fill in a form in triplicate or answer the same questions again because they have to be sure you’re good enough. The kids have been let down too much before.

It goes deeper than you think

When we started, there were some niggles in the back of my mind to do with my mental health. A couple of small bouts of depression I hoped would just be allowed to pass unexamined. Most people with anxiety or depression who apply do get approved. But like everything else in your life, mental health is scrutinised.

The key factor is your childhood. Parenting a traumatised child could trigger your past. So it’s important to make sure you know what you’re dealing with. The one-on-one interview is particularly discombobulating. It’s half therapy session, half job interview and you reveal more than you ever told anyone in one go.

I was asked to take some time out to think about how my childhood impacted my life and came to some realisations that have shaken up my understanding of myself. This has been the hardest part; but necessary.

You realise how lucky you are

Above all, gratitude is a key word in this process. You will read stories practically every day about kids coming from abuse and neglect. Their lives are unimaginable to those with loving parents. You’ll learn about attachment issues and ongoing conditions that are the product of trauma. And while as a potential parent, this can feel overwhelming, you also feel blessed.

It changes others’ perspectives as well. When friends see you going through a process that at times makes you stressed, worried and sad they say, “I’m angry for you. Birth parents don’t have to go through this.” But by the end, they’re like, “Birth parents should totally have to go through this.”

I, for one, feel lucky to have come out the other side with new insight into myself. Lucky for the perspective I’ve gained and even lucky for all the moments I doubted it all. I once read an article by an adventure writer who talked about “type two fun” being the moments on any trip that really wasn’t fun at the time but that you laugh about afterwards.

Adoption approval is like that. A journey where when you look back, even the rocky bits were an opportunity for growth. Coming through such an intense process makes you proud of yourself and of your partner. Every hurdle makes you feel more ready to take on what is to come next.

And I finally feel ready.

If you’d like to find out more about adoption and what the assessment involves, First4Adoption is a good place to start. Or head over to the adoption stories section to read more articles from adopters sharing their experience of the process.

Introduce yourself and your family

Hello! My name is Mr E. I have the pleasure of sharing my adoption journey with my wife, Mrs E. We have a large extended family who are very excited to be welcoming a new little person. The only other lifeform we currently share our house with is our cat, Molly.

What area of the UK do you live in?

We live in the East Midlands.

Is your agency a local authority or voluntary agency?

We used our Local Authority to sign up to the adoption process. At the time they were going through a transition to a Regional Agency. This happened just before we started Stage 1 and it’s now known as Adoption East Midlands.

Did you read any adoption stories before you started? If so where? (eg blog, Instagram, books)

I read “What to Expect When You’re Adopting”* written by Dr Ian Palmer before starting the adoption process. It was a great opening into the world of adoption and it opened my mind to a lot of things I wouldn’t have otherwise thought of. It helped cement in my mind that adoption was the right path for us.

What was your biggest worry before you started?

Mrs E and I have wanted to start a family together for many years and once we made the decision to start the adoption process I was all in. I was worried that I would try my hardest to show that Mrs E and I are committed and ready to share our lives with a little one but then not get approved at panel.

How long did the process take from the point of deciding you wanted to adopt to your child coming home?

We went to an adoption information evening in October 2018. We were in the midst of a house move at the time and were advised to wait until we’d settled in our new home before making contact again. In January 2019, we called to say we had moved and had our first home visit a couple of weeks later.

We officially started Stage 1 in March 2019. The process went well throughout Stage 1 and Stage 2 and we were approved unanimously as adopters in September 2019. In December 2019 we were officially linked with our little one, Matching Panel was January 2020 and we are currently awaiting a date to start introductions.

What age and number of children were you approved for? Were you matched to a different age or number of children from this?

We were approved for 1-2 children aged 0-3. Our little one is currently 10 months old.

How did the matching process work? Did you look at lots of profiles?

We initially were quite keen to adopt a sibling group that we had been told about. But after getting more information we decided the match wasn’t right for them or us. We were advised to start using Link Maker about a month before Approval Panel, and our Stage 2 social worker told us about a little boy on there.

We were interested so the little boy’s social worker “showed interest” in us via Link Maker. The profile had no name or picture and although we browsed other profiles, we kept coming back to this little one’s profile. We were still certain that this was the right child for us. Turns out our gut feeling was right!

What has been the most difficult part about the process?

The waiting!!!!!!

Have you needed to access additional help and support from your agency since your child came home? If so, what and did it meet your needs?

Our little one isn’t home yet. I’m sure that should we need access to help from our Local Authority, we will be fully supported.

What has been your best memory since your child came home?

Our little one isn’t home yet – but we have met him on a “Bump Into” visit which was amazing!

If you could go back and have a conversation with yourself about the process before you started, what would you tell yourself?

I would tell myself to prepare as best as anyone can for a lot of uncertainty and long waits. The adoption process can be hard at times but it is very rewarding. You will need to look at yourself very closely and truly reflect on what you have to offer a little one. You need to be honest with your social workers. It’s difficult to be honest with others if you can’t be honest with yourself.

If you’d like to read more interviews with adopters, adoptees and birth parents, click here

*This is an affiliate link for the book. That means if you click on the link to the book and then buy it, I get paid a fee from Amazon.

I’m very grateful to those who’ve shared their stories so far in the magazine. Hopefully the wide range of experiences from people with different family dynamics will help to dispel some of the myths that still exist around adoption.

Chris shared his story back in October and his book, “My Adoption Journey”, has been on my “must read” list since then. He kindly gifted me a copy of his book so I could review it.

As the name suggests, the book is an account of Chris and his partner’s journey to parenthood. They’re a same sex couple and the book covers some of the issues they’ve encountered because of this. It’s an extremely honest account. It starts by taking you through the options they looked into before they decided adoption was for them.

There’s a lot of detail about the adoption assessment. Things like the preparation course and social worker visits are explained in full. Chris is honest about struggling with parts of the assessment and tells it exactly as he found it. I think that’s so important for people considering adoption to read. The assessment can be hard and it’s ok to struggle with it at times.

Other parts of the assessment that are covered include the dilemma they had about their home and whether they should delay the process and move to a bigger place. Preparing for and attending panel are also described in detail.

Chris then describes how the matching process worked for them. Again, it’s an incredibly honest account of how it was for them. He shares what he and his partner were feeling and why they felt the first match wasn’t right for them. I really worried about what would happen if a match didn’t feel right for us. Would that mean we wouldn’t be considered for another child? Reading Chris’s account of how they dealt with it will provide a lot of insight for those concerned about this issue.

My favourite part of the book is reading about how they prepared to meet their son once they found the right match. This took me right back to all the feelings I had as matching panel and introductions grew closer for our eldest. Chris takes you through how they prepared their home, picked their son’s new school and the things they made and bought to give to the foster carers to introduce to their son. Reading about their first meeting with him and how their bond developed as they got to know him is an emotional read!

Chris then shares the first few months of settling in and getting to know each other. It details the good, the bad and everything in between. He talks very honestly about his struggle to bond initially with his son, and the steps he took to overcome that. He also covers some of the issues they experienced and the types of help they’ve sought.

This is a great book to read if you’re thinking about adoption, particularly if you’re a same sex couple. By the end you’ll have a good idea of what the assessment involves and how to prepare yourself for it.

My Adoption Journey is available to buy from Amazon.

Introduce yourself and your family

We are a family of three. Never thought I would say that! Our little family unit is made up of our daughter, who is three, my husband and myself. My husband Daniel and I , Laura, are both Europeans – I am Austrian and he is Spanish, and now we have a British daughter. Our girl, whom I will call R here, came home in February 2018. Just over year and a half of being a family.

What area of the UK do you live in?

We live in the South East.

Was your agency a local authority or voluntary agency?

We adopted through a local authority, which was part of a consortium. It worked very well for us, in most aspects.

Did you read any adoption stories before you started? If so where? (eg blog, Instagram, books)

The way I most prepared for adoption was to read. I read everything I could get my hands on. It felt like I’d bought every book there is to read about adoption – I did drive myself crazy at times. I read news articles, online forums, blogs and started following UK adoption community Instagram accounts.

What was your biggest worry before you started?

The biggest worry (amongst hundreds of little worries that seemed very big at the time) for me was the uncertainty around the child we would be adopting. I was so scared of everything that could come up or go wrong.

Those fears are still there, but because of the process you learn to live with that uncertainty – it’s such a big part of adoption itself. Without accepting that there will be a million unanswered questions and that all you can do is your best, I would have gone crazy. It’s still very difficult, but not unmanageable!

How long did the process take from the point of deciding you wanted to adopt to your child(ren) coming home?

We went to an information evening in November 2016. We submitted our formal registration of interest late May 2017. Our little girl was home with us in March 2018. So from the registration of interest until we had her home, it was nine months in total. We were very lucky because we found out about her very early in the process. Our social worker was family finding for her.

What age and number of children were you approved for? Were you matched to a different age or number of children from this?

We were approved for one child from 0-5. We were matched with one little girl a bit under two, so we adopted within what we were approved for.

How did the matching process work? Did you look at lots of profiles?

As mentioned above, our social worker was our girl’s family finder as well. She asked us if we wanted to look at her profile and we of course said yes immediately.

After we saw it and said we wanted to move forward, we got to read more about her. It was so surreal finally seeing a real profile, learning about a little girl’s life who might become ours one day.

We were asked over and over if we wanted to move forward. And because we shared our social worker, we had to have another social worker come out to basically make sure we weren’t being unduly influenced by our social worker.

She grilled us for hours about potential things that could come up with our little one and scared us half to death. But I was so glad she did, she was looking out for her and for us. And still, we said yes!

During this time, we also saw another profile. But by then we were invested in our girl and it didn’t even feel right to look at another profile.

We went to approval panel and the linking meeting happened about a week after that. Then matching panel three weeks after that and it was a unanimous yes with about 17 people in the room! It was magical, we all cried.

What has been the most difficult part about the process?

For me, it was the waiting. The endless waiting for further meetings, for answers, for information, for panels, for the adoption order…..waiting to meet our girl. It is so, so difficult! But so, so worth it.

Have you needed to access additional help and support from your agency since your child came home?  If so, what and did it meet your needs?

Yes, my husband had some serious health issues recently and I asked for help from post adoption support to navigate this with our daughter. They came out within a week and gave me loads of advice and support, I felt seen and heard and looked after. There was one follow-up meeting, and thankfully no more were needed. For now, they have been great and it was just what we needed.

What has been your best memory since your child(ren) came home?

Oh gosh! That’s hard, there are so many.

But I would have to say the first time she called me “Mommy”. She started calling me mum early on, but I don’t think there was any meaning attached to it, it was simply a name the foster carer used for me. It transitioned to Mama and then finally, I was Mommy.

And the first time she was sick. Although I have never felt so scared in my life, but all she needed was to lay on my chest – I couldn’t believe that I was actually this amazing girl’s safe place. A feeling like no other.

If you could go back and have a conversation with yourself about the process before you started, what would you tell yourself?

Two things. The first one is, cut yourself some slack. No parent is perfect and it’s ok to be good enough. Sure, read the books and ask for advice, but trust your instinct and don’t put so much pressure on yourself, believe that you are a mother and a good one at that. This took a while to sink in.

The second one is: self-care is not optional! You need to take care of yourself so you can pour from a full cup. Not having breakfast is not an option!