It’s so important that adopters understand the importance of contact for birth families. It’s sometimes the case that they don’t feel able to reply to our letters, but that doesn’t mean they don’t cherish every word that’s written. Sammy does receive some help and support to write her letters, but I don’t think that’s always available in a way that encourages birth parents to reply.

How often do you have contact with your child?

I have indirect via letterbox yearly.

How does this happen?

I get two letters via the letterbox team in my local authority.

What kind of things do you include in your letters? Do you send anything else with them?

I send photos of me, her cat, anything new in the family, and a birthday card. I always ask about health, school, wellbeing, likes and dislikes, her birthday, and Christmas. I ask about her pets and how her adoptive parents and brothers are. I also add memories from home and her cat and fish here and anything they have told me. Her adoptive parents write first then I reply. I include anything I’ve been up to too.

Have you requested any support from the local authority in connection with contact?

I receive help with my letters via the letterbox team. They help me with what is good to put in, but nothing around how it works.

If you haven’t received any support from the local authority have you received any support from another organisation?

Yes. I’ve received support and currently still do from PAC-UK. It helps as they don’t judge like social services do and see me as a parent, not a failure.

What do you get in reply to your contact letters?

They write first which is two letters, one from the adoptive parents and a hand written one from my daughter.

What type of information is in the letters? Do you think there’s enough or would you like more?

I get told a lot of information about my daughter’s daily life. Their letters are always two pages long and her own is a page long. I feel I get told a lot which I love and am really grateful for.

How old was your child when they left your home?

She was three-and-a-half when placed with her potential adopters and six when the adoption order was granted.

Were you asked if you wanted to add information to her life story book? If yes, what did you add?

I asked them and they agreed. They asked me to get photos and information about me, her family, her dad, pregnancy, birth milestones, later life letter, and any wishes I had for her future. 

Is there anything else you’ve given her such as an item of your clothing or keepsake?

My daughter has my brown bear called Benji. I got him from Santa one Christmas Eve as I was ill in hospital. I gave him to her and I’m told she knows what he means and that she has him. She also has a locket with a picture of us and her cat.

Did you get any support with life story work? 

The family practitioner came to my house and we put it together. She had worked with me and my daughter from when they became involved up to the final goodbye. She and my daughter had a good relationship. She showed me the information up to her being in foster care and what she put in about that. Then I couldn’t see anymore as that was information about her adopters.

If you’d like to read more articles about adoption, health and well-being, and parenting, head over to the home page and have a look at what’s new. Head over to the life story section to read more articles about this subject.

Life story work is a crucial part of an adopted child’s childhood. It helps them understand their birth history and their journey to becoming part of a new family.

This article looks at why it’s so important to do life story work with your child. And gives some tips and advice on what to include if you don’t get a life storybook from your agency.

What is life story work and why is it important?

“Children separated from their birth families are often denied the opportunity to know about their past and to clarify past events in terms of the present. They may have changed families, social workers, homes, and neighbourhoods. Their past may be lost, much of it even forgotten. Losing track of the past can make it difficult for children to develop emotionally and socially. Life story work is an attempt to give back some of this past.” (Ryan, T and Walker, R, 2016).

Life story work aims not only to help adopted children understand their personal history and life experiences but also to help them develop a sense of security and identity. “Who am I and where do I belong?”

‘Life story work’ is much more than just completing a book outlining key factors in the child or young person’s history and heritage (their ‘life story book’). The process of life story work encompasses a range of activities, particularly a trusting relationship with an adult to help a child explore their history and heritage. The completion of a life storybook is an important tool in the process.

Elements in life story work can include play, listening and observation, memory boxes and books, photograph albums, life celebration days, and later life letters. This now includes forms of online recording and social media events when these are safe and appropriate. These various tools and activities often overlap. They can be used as and when appropriate for the child or young person.

A collaborative approach

Life story work needs a comprehensive and collaborative approach. Everybody can have a role to contribute including birth families, social workers, foster carers, and adoptive parents.

Through life story work, adoptive parents can work together with their child to give them a stronger sense of their history and heritage and the thoughts and feelings that result from this. This usually means helping them understand why they were adopted.

Life story work can help to strengthen the bond between adoptive parents and their child. It can help adoptive parents to build sensitivity, understanding, and empathy for their child.  As such, it can be a therapeutic process, allowing children to make sense of what happened in the past and think about their aspirations for the future even if this is stressful or anxiety-provoking.

Adopted children can sometimes blame themselves for the reasons they were taken into care even if abuse and neglect were the primary reason.  Life story work can help them to put these thoughts and feelings into words where their sense of blame can develop into a more helpful narrative that increases their sense of feeling safe and secure in their adoptive families.

What should a life storybook include?

A life storybook usually includes information about birth family members, when and where the child was born, any previous foster carers, and why they were adopted.  Over time there may also be a record of the details about their adoptive family.

A life story book needs to provide an honest, but sensitively written account of the child’s history. It should be presented in an age-appropriate and child-friendly way. For example, using bite-sized chapters and colourful images or objects. It’s a story of the child’s memories and feelings in words, pictures and objects, and it’s important that these make sense to them in a way that they feel comfortable with. Every book will be different, but centre on the child or young person as it’s ‘their book’.

Life story books are a statutory requirement for adopted children in England and Wales. It should be given to the child and adopters within 10 days of their celebration hearing. Once children are with their adoptive families, the life storybook can, over time, be adapted in a way that will help children build on their growing security.

Whilst a traditional life storybook is ordered chronologically, starting with birth family and ending with adoption, other practitioners recommend a more balanced approach that enables children to learn about their history whilst enhancing security in their adoptive family.

Life storybook format

Leading adoption expert Joy Rees suggests using the format of present – past – present – future, as follows:

• Present – Current information about the child, their adoptive family, likes and interests, and a simple explanation of adoption.
• Past – The social worker’s account of the child’s history – details of birth family including siblings, place and time of birth, details of foster carers, ending with the granting of the Adoption Order. This section should include an honest but sensitive account of the events leading up to the child going into care, but should reinforce throughout that abuse and neglect, and any placement moves in care are not their fault or because they have done something wrong.
• Present – Bring the child back to the present, perhaps by focusing on the child’s favourite things which give adoptive parents the chance to show how well they know their child.
• Future – End on a positive note with the child’s plans, hopes and aspirations

How can the life storybook be used?

All adopted children should have a life storybook. Whatever their age, it’s never too early or late to start a book if one has not been provided.

Rather than a life storybook being seen as a ‘one-off’ piece of work, it should be continually revisited throughout a child’s life and at key developmental stages. It can be updated, with additional details added, as children grow in security and understanding.

Adoptive parents will read the book to their child or the child may read it to them. It should be used as a basis for answering the child’s questions, so it’s important they feel comfortable with it. Adoptive parents can judge if further details are needed, or if wording needs to be changed. Adoptive parents should be sensitive to their tone of voice, facial expressions, and gestures. Be curious and gently explore the child’s feelings and emotions.

Some final tips for adoptive parents… 

• Consider writing the life storybook in the third person, using your child’s first name, which can be a gentler way of sharing difficult information, especially for younger children
• Answer questions that arise honestly and in line with your child’s age, level of understanding, and stage of development. Admit when you don’t know the answer and offer to find out
• Thread positive messages throughout the book to reinforce that your child is safe and loved and to raise their self-esteem 

Books and further information 

• ‘Life Story Books for Adopted Children: A Family Friendly Approach’ by Joy Rees:
• ‘Life Story Work: What, Why, How and When’ by Tony Ryan and Rodger Walker, published by CoramBAAF:
• First4Adoption – life story work guide for adoptive parents

Head to Compass Fostering’s website to find out some statistics about fostering. Many adopted children spend sometimes years in foster care before they’re adopted, so including this type of information in their life story book is also important.

If you’d like to read more articles about life story work and other adoption topics, head to the adoption section.

I think knowing how important it is can sometimes place more pressure on adoptive parents. I really worried about writing contact letters and also starting life story work with our eldest daughter. So I thought it would help those who aren’t at that stage yet, to read how others have gone about it.

The first interview is with Chris. I love how he and his husband have made a road map so that life story work is interesting and fun for their son. You can follow his family’s journey on Instagram. Chris has written a book about his adoption journey, which looks at some of the issues he and his husband faced as a gay couple. My Adoption Journey is available from Amazon in both paperback and now Kindle.

Introduce yourself and your family

My name is Chris and I adopted our little six-year-old boy with my husband Ricky. Our son was five when he moved in with us.

How often do you have contact with birth family?

We send a letter once a year which we do in August. Doing it over the summer gives our little guy some time to think about whether he wants to add pictures. We did a settling-in letter a month or two after he moved in.

We have had conversations and letter exchanges with his brother, which we do as and when. Contact with him is not through the courts more between us and his brother’s foster family.

How does this happen? 

We do this via letter. We did offer to meet his mum if she wanted and if the social workers felt it would be of some benefit, but we never heard back.

What kind of things do you include in the letters? Do you send anything else like photos or pictures drawn by your children?

We ask our little guy if he wants to add anything. Otherwise, we just say how he is, how his health is, and how he is doing at school. We include any hobbies that he has started doing.  We try to keep it to the point and not to waffle too much.

Do you write the letters or does your child get involved too?

We write the letters now and ask little man if he wants to say anything to his mum. When he’s older, we will include him more often.

Have you requested any help and support in connection with contact from your agency? If so, what sort of help did you receive?  Did it do what you needed it to?

We got our social worker, and little man’s social worker involved in the settling-in letter as we had no idea what to include. Since then, we haven’t needed any support. The adoption community through social media has been supportive and helpful in figuring out how to do contact.

Do you get any replies from birth family or siblings?

We have had replies from his brother but never heard back from his mum or nan.

When your child came home, did they have any memory of their birth family?

To begin with, he would talk very openly about missing his mum, nan, and brother, but this started to dwindle off. We are very open with talking to him about his birth family when he brings them up. We talk honestly about why he can’t see them. Now and again he will bring up his birth family when he’s had a memory or a dream. We are very open about talking to him about these things as and when he brings them up.

If yes, how do you do life story work with them?

We talk him through all the significant people in his life, i.e. his mum, nan, and brother. This also includes his most recent foster carers who we keep in regular contact with.

He has a road map in his bedroom which we’ve used for his life story by taking drives around and talking about these individuals when we reach their ‘destination’. He will talk through the journey and we will talk about the memories in each ‘destination’. I feel that doing this also helps him understand that he can talk about his memories in a fun way as well.

When it comes to formal life story work and going through his book, Ricky and I feel that we should do this when he’s a bit older.

Have you accessed any type of help or support with life story work?

We have used our social worker and also Adoption UK for help figuring out the best options. Another good resource we have used is New Family Social (aimed at LGBTQ+ adopters) to get advice from others on how to go about this. 

If yes, what was it, how did you find out about it and did it do what you needed it to?

It was great hearing from those who had gone through it themselves. I think the best advice we were given is to go with your gut instinct in that we know our son the best. We were also told that we’d know when it was the right time. That didn’t really alleviate my fears, but it was reassuring to know that it’s different for each child and family.

How has your child reacted to life story work?

He’s taken it all in his stride which is just classic of him. He has responded well to using his car map as a way of talking through his history. I think also because we are open to talking to him about his past, it will make the future life story work easier for him to process.

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