Our eldest has always struggled with separation anxiety so I was hoping that this book would help to ease things a bit for her.

The book is a beautiful story of how a brother and sister are woken one night by a storm. They want their mum to come and stay with them in their room because they feel alone. To help ease their fears, she tells them about the invisible string that she learned about when she was a child.

The Invisible String

The children ask their mum how it works when they can’t see it. She tells them that the invisible string is a bond that can’t be seen but is always there, connecting people with love. It connects friends and family, no matter how far apart they are. It’s stronger than anger so won’t disappear if someone makes you cross. It even connects to people in heaven.

Knowing they’re connected to their mum, even when she’s in a different room, the children go back to bed. They’re no longer bothered by the storm and dream of all the people they’re connected to by invisible string.

My daughter loves this book. It’s beautifully illustrated by Joanne Lew-Vriethoff. It’s helped her to understand a bit more that we’re connected to her, even when she’s not with us. As she grows up, hopefully, it will help her to understand the bond with her birth family. They love her even though they aren’t with her.

It’s also helped her to deal with the death of her granddad. Since we’ve been reading the book, she’s said several times that he still loves her even though he isn’t here.

Over the years it’s become a book that both my children love. It’s helped them both manage separation anxiety and understand that love withstands a lot of things like anger and distance.

Our eldest daughter is 10 and although she doesn’t read the book that much anymore (she likes reading it to her younger sister though), she often recites its message when she’s upset or angry, or if she’s struggling with being apart from me or someone else she loves.

Recommended for all children

I would recommend this book to all parents. It’s a beautiful way for them to learn about being loved and connected to people, even when they can’t see them or they’re no longer around for whatever reason.

You can buy The Invisible String from a range of shops including Amazon. Head over to the book review section to read all about other great books about adoption and parenting.

This post contains an affiliate link to Amazon which means if you click on the link to the book and buy it, I get paid a fee from them.

Today’s article is written by Mikenda Plant who is a family therapist, supervisor, and trainer. Mikenda has worked for 25 years with children in care and adopted children, their families, and the professionals who support them. She is a Consultant & Practitioner in Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy.

Mikenda is also the author of Tippy Moffle’s Mirror, a therapeutic storybook for adopted children and parents. Head over to the book review section to read my review of the book and if you want to find out more about the book and other Moffle stories, check out Mikenda’s website.

Attachment-Focused Family Therapy

My name is Mikenda Plant and I’m a Family and Systemic Psychotherapist, specialising in Attachment Focused Family Therapy. This is also known as known as Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy (DDP). It’s a treatment for adopted and looked-after children, who have experienced trauma and are struggling to develop secure relationships with their parents and carers.

DDP was developed by Dr Dan Hughes and is based on attachment theory. It focuses on the importance of the child and parent working together with the therapist. By having parents involved, the child experiences safety, comfort, and nurture with the people who matter most to them.

I use a range of attachment and trauma-informed ways of working in my practice as I’ve found that there is no ‘one size fits all’ when supporting adoptive families. A responsive and flexible approach is needed to meet each family’s individual needs.

When children have been hurt by early life experiences of abuse and neglect, they can develop a whole range of coping strategies that can feel alarming, confusing, and upsetting to their adoptive parents.  I have often been told by parents that their child’s behaviour seems to be designed to push them away and seems to be saying that they do not need them or their love.

Therapy sessions

At the beginning of therapy, I spend time with parents to allow them to look at the impact on them of living with a traumatised child. We explore their own parenting and attachment histories, to understand better why their child might so readily ‘press their buttons’ and generate strong feelings and responses in them.

When parents have been on the receiving end of their child’s distress, anger, controlling behaviour, or rejection for long periods of time, it is not uncommon for them to find it hard to maintain feelings associated with being a loving parent. This is a natural neurological reaction to trying to relate to a child who struggles to attune. It is referred to as ‘blocked care’ and is very distressing for parents who suffer from it. It often provokes feelings of deep sadness and shame.

In therapeutic parenting sessions, we can work through this state of blocked care and find ways to help parents become kinder to themselves, as well as more receptive, open, and empathic to their child. Overwhelmed parents need and deserve to feel cared for themselves. When they do, it can free them up to care for their children in the way that they would like to.

I invite parents to join with me to become a therapeutic team. While they may bring their child to therapy for one hour a week with me, they love and care for their child full time and I know that they are the experts, and their child’s best resource. We need to understand and trust each other. I believe that the foundation of therapeutic success is the quality of the relationship that is developed between parent and therapist.

PACE

We work on understanding and developing PACE as a therapeutic parenting attitude. Playful (being optimistic; using humour when appropriate); Accepting (being validating/accepting of their child’s experience), Curious (showing non-judgmental interest and curiosity in their child’s experience), and Empathic (to convey their experience of their child). We couple this with psychoeducation to develop a ‘therapeutic toolkit’ of strategies for offering safety, structure, and boundaries to their child, alongside PACE.

All the time it is important to remember that ‘we don’t do perfect’! In my experience, adoptive parents can give themselves a very hard time and hold themselves to impossible standards of parenting, even under very difficult circumstances.

I invite parents to treat themselves more kindly and to invest in their self-care. I have found that when parents are supported in this way and regain their confidence in themselves and their abilities, sometimes there may be no need to bring the child into therapy. Parents may report that family relationships are improving, their child is closer to them and their difficulties are reducing.

When a child joins their parents in the therapy, our focus is to continue working on their relationships, to increase the child’s sense of safety and security. We work to connect and chat; develop resilience and resources and celebrate the child’s abilities and achievements.

Understanding their life story

Over time, we can begin to help the child to process past trauma memories and to make sense of their life history more fully. Good mental health requires that we have a ‘joined-up story’ about our lives – a coherent narrative as therapists like to call this – where we can make sense of our experiences and reflect on how they have influenced our thoughts and feelings about ourselves, others, and the world around us.

For me, one of the great joys of working in family therapy is finding lots of creative ways to do this. Ways that fit the family and that they can take home to continue using together. These can include sensory exercises, structured play, mindfulness, art, and storytelling.

If you’re looking for a UK therapist qualified in DDP, have a look at the DDP Connects UK website. You’ll find a public register of practitioners qualified in DDP, as well as research, training, and information relevant to parents and carers there.

• helping to reduce stress
• increase relaxation
• reduce muscle tightness
• improve your immune system

Touch and massage can also have benefits for kids and are effective ways of building attachment, particularly with children who have experienced developmental delays and those with sensory issues. It is also a good way of supporting the development of motor skills.

Many adopted children experience issues around attachment as a result of their early life experiences. This can affect their ability to connect with others, particularly new caregivers.

Developmental pathways

Massaging your child, and/or letting them massage you offers a unique opportunity to address different developmental pathways at the same time. For example, sitting close allows for eye-to-eye contact, firm but gentle touch can encourage feelings of safety, and using words of encouragement can stimulate a child’s sense of confidence.

It provides a lovely opportunity for connection and bonding. Gentle touch is an excellent non-verbal way to communicate care and tenderness that promotes attachment, releases feel-good hormones, and helps a child feel loved.

Whilst massage is popular with parents of babies as a result of baby massage classes, it can also be of great benefit to older children. Nurturing and compassionate touch can help to stimulate multiple brain reactions whilst introducing the use of essential oils and relaxing music can also help to support the connection.

Massage to help build attachment

The key to using massage as an effective tool to build the bond between you and your child is for it to be at their pace and on their terms.

It won’t be a good technique to use for all children, so a good way of starting is by asking them to massage you, suggesting they rub your back or the back of your hand. This way they control how long it lasts and how much contact there is.

If they see that you’re enjoying it, they are more likely to want to let you do it to them. Follow their cues and don’t push it if they are reluctant, or will only tolerate it for a few seconds. Try again another day as it may take a while for them to build up trust to let you do it.

Some great, nurturing techniques to use include:

• Stroking. Use a flat, open palm in long, smooth strokes on the body. This helps calm and relax.
• Kneading. Gently grasp and squeeze muscles with thumbs and fingers which helps to ease tension.
• Compression. Gently apply pressure to muscles which helps improve circulation.
• Rocking. Rhythmic rocking motions on the back, arms, and legs soothes and comforts.

Make sure you use light touches, and follow your child’s cues starting with a few minutes at a time and focus on areas of tension like the back, tummy, arms, and legs.

Aromatherapy

If your child likes the feel of oils or lotions on their skin, use them to help reduce friction if you are massaging bare skin. This can be a great way to introduce the benefits of aromatherapy and help them associate certain smells like lavender, with calmness and relaxation.

Introducing massage and touch in the early days of placement can help it to become part of a regular routine that can then be used as a calming technique when you start to understand their behaviour and triggers.

Massage resources

There is a wide range of books and apps available if you want to learn more about massage techniques and different ways to use them on your child. “Once Upon a Touch…: Story Massage for Children“* teaches 10 easy-to-learn strokes that can be done on top of clothes. They are then incorporated into stories, songs, and rhymes, adding an element of fun to massage.

“Healing Touch for Children: Massage, reflexology, and acupressure for children“* written by Mary Atkinson is another popular book that explains how to carry out simple massage techniques.

The Storybook App also combines storytelling and massage and is a great tool to use for younger children.

* Please note, these are affiliate links so if you click on them and buy the books from Amazon, I get paid a fee.

If you enjoyed reading this article, why not buy me a coffee to help keep the magazine free for everyone to read? If you’d like to read more articles about adoption, parenting health and well-being, and eco-swaps, head over to the home page and have a look at what’s new.

James Prescott stated that “the single most important child rearing practice ….. for the development of emotional and socially healthy infants and children is to carry the infant on the body of the care giver all day long”. 

Read on to find out why baby carrying is such a great option to help adopted children build their trust and attachment to their new carers. There’s also some recommendations for the different types of carriers, and some of the places you can buy or hire them from.

Expert opinion

Dr Rosie Knowles, a GP and mum of two, explains why using a sling for children who’ve experienced early life trauma and have been removed from their birth family, is so important in building strong and lasting attachments:

“Adoptive and foster parents will know that their children need all the love they can give; and a sling can play an useful part in building these bridges amidst the turmoil.

“The biochemistry of creating a secure attachment is not a conscious process, or one that depends on ancestry; the release of oxytocin and the down-regulation of the stress response that happens with consistent, close and loving contact happens in the background.”

Dr Knowles is a passionate advocate of building secure attachment relationships between children and their carers, and believes carrying, whether it’s newborn babies or older children, plays a big part in nurturing and building a bond.

You can find lots of helpful information about baby wearing and carrying children on her website Carrying Matters from the types of carriers and slings available, to the best carriers to use and how to use them.

Her website also has some really helpful video and photo tutorials to show you how to safely carry your child, as well as a directory of sling and carrier support. Through her training and education, she empowers carers to keep their children close in a safe and positive way.

The benefits of carrying children

Sue, a foster carer, explained to Dr Knowles the practical ways she’s found carrying the children in her care has helped them develop attachments:

“Many of the babies who we care for have been exposed to either drugs, alcohol or domestic violence whilst in the womb. Carrying them has, without doubt, enabled them to develop into calm, sociable, happy, securely attached babies who meet (and often exceed) their developmental milestones.

“Babies who have been neglected for the first few months of life can be very wary of people and situations. By carrying them they learn more about the world from a position of safety. They take cues from watching our faces and learn to trust people and situations more more quickly.

“Using carriers when introducing babies to their adoptive parents show the babies that this is someone to be trusted. Only I carry the baby in a sling whilst they stay with me although many other people hold them.

“However from the first day of introductions the adoptive mother wears the baby in my (the baby’s) sling. I believe this shows the baby that Mummy (or Daddy) is a special person which enables the attachment to switch between us.”

If you want to read more about the science behind how slings and carriers help adoptive families build attachments, this blog from Slings and More is a great place to start.

Types of baby and toddler carriers

Baby wearing options have increased massively in recent years. They’re suitable for all age ranges from small children up to bigger kids. There’s everything from ring slings to baby wrap carriers, front or backpack carriers, stretchy wraps, soft structured carriers and hip seats.

They come in different sizes and shapes, and fit all body types. They’re ergonomically designed to give lumbar support and can be worn in different positions with adjustable straps and waist belt, meaning there’s something that meets your individual needs and those of your child.

Adoptive parents recommendations

Choosing a sling or carrier that suits you is definitely trial and error and will depend on your needs and those of your child. Here are some recommendations from adoptive parents who’ve used the following carriers:

Kinderkraft Baby Carrier NINO Suitable for children from 3 months to 20 kg. Supported by the International Hip Dysplasia Institute with adjustable fastenings to ensure the perfect fit. Easy to put on and folds to a small size.

Beco Toddler Carrier Suitable from early toddlerhood to energetic kids up to around 60 lbs. Made from moisture-wicking microfibre fabric and a breathable 3D mesh with two carrying positions.

Hippychick hip seat Perfect for carrying children between 6 – 36 months. It’s tough, hardwearing and can go in the washing machine. Specifically designed to address one of the root causes of adult back pain, it provides a firm shelf for your child to sit on, supporting their weight from underneath.

Ring slings Come in a variety of sizes and designs to suit all budgets. You adjust the sling to fit you, so fits all shapes and sizes. As your child grows, you adjust your ring sling carrier for the perfect fit.

Wear My Baby

Hannah Wallace is the owner of Wear My Baby, the UK’s specialist baby carrier shop and advice service. She and her team have worked with thousands of families over the last 10 years, including many adoptive families. Between them, they’ve carried their own babies for more than 100 years. Wear My Baby is based in London, but they offer video consultations as well as in-person appointments.

Hannah explains why carrying is just as beneficial for older children, as it is for babies:

“Toddlers and older children feel happy and settled in carriers, just like babies do. Your child will feel comforted by being close to you – it gets the oxytocin, the love and bonding hormone, flowing and is just amazing for building secure attachments between parents and their children. Plus, being carried is calming and reassuring even for toddlers when tired, teething, unwell or upset.

“It’s good for their cognitive and emotional development, too. Being in a comfortable carrier, your child can see the world around them and engage with you face to face – and snuggle into you if they want a rest.

“It’s also incredibly practical. You’ll have your hands free to make sandwiches, do the laundry, look after other children…the list is endless. 

“Having a carrier is a lot easier than having to take a buggy out with you, in case their little legs get tired. Just because your child can walk, doesn’t mean they will walk at the speed, duration or direction you want them to!”

Recommended toddler carriers

Here are some of Hannah’s top recommendations for the best toddler carriers:

The Lenny Lamb Preschool Carrier is the most adjustable and adaptable carrier. It’s comfy for ALL parents and suitable from 15 months to at least seven years, with an impressive upper weight limit of 30kg (66lbs).

The Tula Preschool Carrier has a clean and simple design and an upper limit of 32kg (70lbs). Some tall three year olds will be comfy in here, but I’d really recommend this for children who are in aged 4-5 clothes. For toddlers aged 2-4 years the Tula Toddler Carrier is awesome. 

The Easy Feel Extend Plus is a generously padded carrier, ideal from two years (though you can cinch it down to use from 18months) to seven years+ with a weight limit of 29kg (54lbs).

The organic cotton Manduca XT (from £149) is superb and suitable from one month to roughly three years (max weight 44lbs/20kg), so ideal if you want to carry both a baby and an older child. 

The Cococho is great from your baby’s first months to around three years. If you’re looking to easily back carry a big baby or toddler for long walks, this is my favourite alternative to a huge, framed back carrier.

Sling library

Getting something that suits you and your child is a learning curve and it might take a few attempts before you find something that is right. So, if you want a versatile carrier, but don’t want to buy, sling libraries are also a good option.

With a library, you book an appointment for a consultation which will explore the different carry positions and types of slings and carriers, until you find one that is the best choice for you and your child. To find if you’ve got a local sling library, just search in Google. If you’re North East based, the North East Sling library is a great place to start.

If you’d like to read more articles about parenting adopted children, click here. If you’ve enjoyed reading this article and found it helpful, why not buy me a coffee? Click here to show your support for the magazine which will always be free to read.

Complex Connexions CIC

When you have a child or teen who is struggling with behaviour; finding it difficult to pay attention or settle at school; perhaps showing their feelings through big emotions at home and possibly experiencing difficulties associated with ADHD/ Autism, this can result in strife, disconnection and struggles within their family.

This scenario can feel extremely overwhelming for a parent. They’re usually doing their best to understand and support their young person, but knowing that they are instead resorting to shouting, threats, and punishments that are out of sync with the way, they want to parent, and the relationship they want with their child.

As that parent, you feel isolated with little support and often judgement from those around you and sporadic or ineffective support from professionals. You are exhausted trying to advocate for your young person and know that others are looking only at their behaviour and not the strengths and positive traits that you see. You carry guilt about the struggles in your family; calm and connection feel like a distant memory.

I know how you feel

I know these feelings well. My son, D, who is 17, now has a diagnosis of ADHD and Autism, but we experienced all of the above. We travelled various pathways to mental health professionals before he was eventually referred for assessment and given a diagnosis of ADHD, and then later, Autism.

But the diagnoses in themselves did not really help us to understand D and, with very little professional support on offer, we felt that he was labelled with deficits and disorders, particularly at school. It was heartbreaking and caused much turmoil in our home, as we tried our best to understand, communicate effectively and remain connected.

I made the decision to do my own research to learn and understand as much as I could about ADHD and Autism. Being a qualified teacher in South Africa and working as a teaching assistant in the UK, you would have thought that I had some knowledge and training on this. But no, I certainly had a lot to learn!

Research and training

Many hours of late night googling, webinars, reading, podcasts and training courses later, I had learnt a lot, implemented various methods and ideas and knew for certain that one particular concept made a huge difference for my family.

Once I better-understood D and saw the real need beneath his behaviour and was able to shift my perspective on the things he was struggling with, I could then change my communication, responding with compassion and clarity. This meant that he and I were able to rebuild our connection. It also meant my husband and others did the same, and this truly restored the relationships in our family.

In 2020, still learning (often making mistakes but able to return to this concept of building and maintaining connection each time) I knew that I wanted to share this with other parents who were going through similar difficulties in their family.

Complex Connexions

My community interest company, Complex Connexions, now provides workshops for parents where I share these ideas and strategies that have been so valuable to us and to other parents I have worked with.

In these small online groups, I support parents and carers to explore understanding their child as an individual, to see their strengths as well as recognise their difficulties. And to look beyond their behaviour to what they really need, developing communication to empower them.

This deeper understanding and calm communication enables collaboration and co-operation within the family. Talking to other parents with similar family experiences also reduces isolation and overwhelm as the participants feel supported, as well as offering support to others.

I want parents to know that they can make such a positive difference for their young person and for their whole family, when they are able to embrace these principles and focus primarily on creating a strong relationship with their young person.

Continuous learning

Connection is no magic wand – we are certainly still learning and as D has grown up and his challenges have evolved, as the demands at school and of life have changed, we have had to keep working things out as we go.

I know that when I am low on energy myself, I can go back to old habits of using threats and punishment, but the lens of connection has enabled us to keep building new patterns of communication and to have the confidence to support D in the most effective way.

I want to enable parents to feel empowered, to have clarity and confidence to parent their child or teen in the way that works best for them, to support them and to advocate for them in the most effective way. I want them to be able to give their young person a feeling of safety, acceptance and belonging in the family, which, in turn, will empower these young people with resilience and confidence going forward.

Get in touch

If you’d like to find out more about what we offer through Complex Connexions, please visit our website. We’re also on Facebook and have a free Facebook community. I’m always available if you’d like to ask questions or find out more information, just get in touch.

Head over to our parenting section to read more articles about some of the issues we face as parents.

Recently when I introduced myself like this, a child in a training room visibly shuddered. That is a very rare response and absolutely not what we want. But it’s also true that children will have different responses to the word therapy, especially those with any experience of the care system.

I’m also a parent, not a foster or adoptive parent yet, but I’ve been a single parent and one navigating the diagnosis and support systems for my child. I’ve got over 17 years of experience with children as a teacher, a family support worker, and a therapist amongst other roles.

All of this means I know that parenting isn’t for the faint-hearted and how important it is to get the right people around you. Just one area needing support can impact your whole life.

Therapy choices for your child

In this blog, I’m going to share a (very brief!) guide to different therapies you may be offered for your child.

But first things first. If your child needs to see a therapist, that doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent. Fact.

Second. You do have a choice of therapies and therapists, even if your agency only has one working with them.

It’s important you know what is available and that sometimes children need a particular mode of therapy or therapist. Relationships take time to build, and that’s even more important in therapy.

Mollymamaadopt wrote a beautiful article recently for We Made a Wish about Theraplay, which is a form of therapy I offer. I won’t expand as that was such a helpful article but basically, children and their adults are there in the same room for the therapy.

Molly’s article highlighted that the Adoption Support Fund recognises Theraplay, as well as Play Therapy and Child-Parent Relationship Therapy (CPRT), so I thought I’d give a professional insight into those for you.

I’m based in Wales where, as you might know, there is no Adoption Support Fund. But that doesn’t mean social services can’t fund this support. It may also be that your foster or adoption agency has a Practitioner who can deliver CPRT as well. If not, I’m running online courses for people all across the UK, and beyond.

Play Therapy and CPRT

In a nutshell, Play Therapy is a medium to long-term intervention that provides a 1:1 space for a child to process their emotions through play. This is really important for children who may have experienced pre-verbal trauma, as many in the care system sadly have.

You will have regular reviews with the therapist, but parents are rarely in the play therapy sessions. That confidentiality can be hard, especially when this child is new to you. I’ve worked with children for as little as three months to two years and a lot of the recommended number of sessions depends on the child’s and family’s complexity of need.

Some schools may have access to their own Play Therapists, and others contract them like with my company Voyage of Hope Therapy Services.

Child-Parent Relationship Therapy (CPRT) is a 10-week group program. Up to six families can attend and you choose one child you’ll run special play sessions with. This child won’t come to the sessions (though video recordings might) and you don’t start the play sessions until you are ready and have quizzed us multiple times!

Child-centred play therapy

This play follows the principles of child-centred play therapy which allows children space to express what they need, alongside you. Sometimes this expression of need is through play and previous CPRT participants have shared how helpful it has been to have a play therapist give a new perspective each week.

The whole idea of this is building on the relationship that you already have and it’s an evidence-based approach for foster and adoptive parents. It also gives you the chance to spend time with other parents and carers that are looking to support their children through learning play therapy skills.

What does being evidence-based mean? It means that multiple foster and adoptive parents have had amazing results: seeing their children move from not wanting to spend time with them to creating enjoyable memories is just one example. 

If you’d like some further information, have a look at my blog covering the three things you need to know about CPRT.

Have you been offered CPRT?

Do you think your child would prefer getting to work with you than with a relative stranger?

Get in touch to see how I can help.

Dr Mason is based in the Midlands and together with her colleague, runs Roots Psychology Group. The practice provides treatment and training to support children and young people. Click here for full details of the services they provide.

Developmental Trauma

Developmental Trauma occurs when an individual is exposed to multiple traumatic events with an impact on immediate and long-term outcomes.​ When complex trauma occurs in childhood, with early onset,​ is chronic and prolonged,​ within the family (interpersonal) and has an impact on development, this can result in developmental trauma​. As a result of these experiences it can create attachment difficulties.

Children with attachment difficulties have had difficult early experiences and as a result they may have developed core beliefs about themselves, other people and the world. For example, ‘I am bad’ or ‘I am unlovable’ – ‘You will be unreliable’, ‘You will abandon me’ ‘the world is not safe’.

These core beliefs are easily stirred during typical parenting scenarios; such as being asked to tidy up, being told to wait for attention, going off to school or to bed. The behaviours that these children demonstrate get tangled up with the core fears they hold about themselves. If not mindful of this then traditional behavioural strategies can reinforce these core fears, further increasing insecurity and leading to increased challenging behaviour.

For example time-out or the “Naughty Step” is a traditional method of helping a child learn to manage their behaviour whereby the child is placed apart from the parent for a period of time. Imagine, however, how easily this might trigger fears of ‘you do not love me’ and ‘you will leave me’ for a child who holds deeply entrenched fears of being abandoned.

The child learns not that their behaviour is naughty, but that they are naughty – their behaviour and sense of self is interwoven. This leads to increased distress that the child then struggles to communicate, and therefore is expressed in even more challenging behaviour.

Traditional parenting

Think about how we traditionally exert influence on children. We tend to try and correct their behaviour through traditional methods such as time in/out, ignoring, rewards, problem solving, explaining, reasoning, grounding, subtraction of privileges, distraction/diversion. These methods are based on social learning theory – the idea that children will increase or decrease their behaviours though rewards and punishment. Correction (not punishment) in this context is the idea that parents can guide their children to behave in ways considered acceptable, fitting in with parents values and beliefs as well as cultural norms

Securely attached children have an experience of being loved unconditionally – they know they are loved even if things go a bit wrong sometimes. They trust and believe in emotional connection and although they may resist correction, they are more likely to accept it because they have built a secure base with their caregiver. They’ve therefore developed the solid foundations to feel safe enough to trust that their caregivers have their best intentions at heart.

Children who have been hurt, rejected, neglected and/or experienced separation and loss of parents early in life do not have an emotionally secure base. For these children, the social learning-based approaches are less helpful because they are centrally focused on behaviour, and therefore less focused on building trust and security with parents (connection).

Insecure children are not organised by Social Learning Theory. They are organised by increasing their sense of safety and security so will behave in ways which help them achieve this and we may therefore see illogical or aggressive behaviour. Therefore, when parenting children with attachment disorder the focus needs to be more on connection to build security and trust BEFORE we can correct behaviour

Attachment focused parenting combines the social learning ideas of traditional parenting interventions with ideas more centrally focused on building emotional security and helping children to heal from past trauma and loss. This parenting tends to focus on building security through higher levels of warm and empathic nurturing, greater attention to emotionally connecting with the child, and helping the child to experience love that is unconditional alongside the behavioural management that is always going to be a core part of parenting children.

Trauma and the brain

Developmental trauma can have a significant impact on the brain both psychologically and physically.

We all have a “social monitoring system” in our brain which detects how safe we are in a given environment. For children with early trauma their system is sensitized by early experience of maltreatment and so their development is organised around a central nervous system that’s prepared for danger​.

The brain develops from the bottom up – at the bottom we have the brain stem which is vital for survival and controls our automatic responses e.g. breathing, temperature control, heart rate, hunger, sleep etc. The brain stem is fully developed from birth and is not experience dependant.

Our mid-brain or Limbic area is our brains “smoke detector” and houses our Amygdala which controls our fight flight system – it’s our emotional centre and connects high and low parts of the brain​ alerting us to any threats and helping us to react to them.

The last area of the brain to develop and the most crucial part in the context of trauma is the Cortex. A fully developed Cortex allows a person to develop highly skilled abilities such as the ability to reflect, be able to think in an abstract way, to make decisions, plan, problem solve and reason. It is also related to memory, attention and impulse control.

This part of the brain is experience dependant which means in order for it to fully mature and develop, it relies on the caregiver to provide the infant with positive experiences of the world. Safe and supportive interactions with other people and experience of themselves​ through empathic, nurturing relationships.

Negative experiences

Negative experiences impair brain development. Children who experience frightening parenting ​become “amygdala driven”. ​ When a child perceives or is on the lookout for danger persistently, this causes higher and prolonged levels of cortisol to be present in the bloodstream, resulting in toxic stress. This may cause the prefrontal cortex to be underdeveloped. The result doesn’t just change brain functioning. It can actually change the brain structurally too.

​Trauma effects our ability to think – it shuts it down​. The typical child will spend little time focused on survival and can devote most of their waking time to cognition and social-emotional functioning. For a child who has experienced developmental trauma, the majority of the brain’s attention is focused on survival, leaving little left for cognition and social relationships.​ They become more concerned with staying alive and so become more brain stem driven essentially “closing off” higher functioning areas of the brain.

The child becomes highly alert for signs of rejection, anger and abandonment. They may walk into a room and immediately feel threatened. This explains why some children may react intensely and misinterpret neutral facial expressions, body language and language of others as being threatening.

Concept of shame

Shame is a complex emotion that develops later than the development of more straightforward emotions such as anger, joy or sadness. Usually around the same time that parents are providing more boundaries and discipline because children are becoming more mobile​ and need this to keep them safe. Shame is uncomfortable for children who learn to limit behaviours that induce it.

We all need appropriate doses of shame and children require support and reassurance to help them manage this. Shame is protective and helps children to learn socially acceptable behaviour to develop relationships.​ Eventually through support and guidance, shame tends to be short lived and the child will quickly move from shame to guilt which in turn moves children into a position where they wish to make amends ​and be open to repairing the relationship.

​Children need boundaries and behaviour needs to be corrected. However, it’s vital that a relationship is repaired by the caregiver after these corrections have been put in place. Children who don’t experience this repair will experience unregulated shame that overwhelms them and becomes toxic.

If children are continually punished and the caregiver does not communicate with the child that despite there being a slight break in the relationship “we are still ok”, this can lead to shame becoming part of their core-identity. “I am a shameful/bad person”, this leads to chronic anger (defensiveness) and controlling behaviours – they feel alienated and defeated and never quite good enough to belong.

As a result, children experience difficulty regulating emotion and thinking rationally (cortex area of the brain) and are thus unable to respond flexibly or to control impulses. Brain areas shut down to protect them from these painful feelings.

Children therefore need to develop defences against overwhelming shame. They may lie, blame others or minimise what’s happened in order to avoid accepting their reality that they are innately “bad”. If they become so terrified, they will display aggressive physical behaviour. Traditional behavioural management strategies served to a child who has an overwhelming sense of shame will only increase this shame.​ If caregivers are able to connect with a child’s emotional experience this will help regulate shame.​ As anxieties, worries and fears are understood, these defensive behaviours start to reduce.​ Connection before correction reduces shame and improves behaviour.​

Therapeutic parenting

Kim Golding, is a Clinical Psychologist in the UK who further developed Dan Hughes’ parenting programme adopting the attitude of PACE. She talks about therapeutic parenting being that which provides healing from trauma as well as behavioural support.

It’s a dual task of building trust and providing boundaries and discipline. It’s not the same as therapy but is more of an attitude, a way of being rather than a strategy or technique that you can turn on and off when needed. These children have experienced prolonged trauma that has shaped them over time and created a blueprint for how they see the world.

An analogy we use in our training is that when you’re a child, you learn to ride a bike through repetition and practice. Eventually this becomes second nature – you don’t need to think about the ‘how’s’ any more you just subconsciously know.

In this context, with children who have learned that the world and the people in it are frightening, when we are offering caring, sensitive parenting, it’s like we’re trying to ask them to “unlearn” how to ride that bike. Its alien to them. This way of relating to the world is all they’ve known and has become part of who they are. Iit’s not a quick and easy task.

A therapeutic parenting approach we use is PACE which stands for Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity and Empathy. Developed by Dan Hughes in the United States, PACE is a central component within Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy (DDP). It’s an attitude to help parents connect with their children. Through a playful, highly accepting, curious and empathic approach, care givers can more deeply connect with their child’s internal experience. This is the foundation for healthy relationships and the development of attachment security.

PACE focuses on the whole child, not simply the behaviour. It helps children be more secure with adults and reflect upon themselves, their thoughts, feelings and behaviour. The child discovers that they are not “bad” and that trust can be developed in a relationship and enjoyment in that relationship can be reciprocal.

Playfulness

A playful attitude conveys optimism that things can change.​ It demonstrates that the child is experienced positively as the caregiver experiences a joyful fascination with the child.​ We can notice the strengths and uniqueness of the child and take pleasure in these.​

By sharing giggles and laughter we can be mindful of the joy of parenting and the child experiences the relationship as unlike past experiences, with unconditional acceptance.​ The child experiences having a positive impact on the other person which builds to provide experience of reciprocal enjoyment within the family.​

Acceptance

This is about accepting and not evaluating wishes, thoughts, feelings, beliefs and desires of the child.​ Acceptance means becoming aware of and understanding the inner life of another without trying to change it or coat it with our own ideas about the situation.

By accepting a child’s feelings (no matter how seemingly out of context/proportion they are) demonstrates that their inner life is safe with the caregiver. We are not judging, nor trying to change this inner experience. ​ By accepting we are also reducing shame​.​

Curiosity

Curiosity is an attitude of not knowing. It’s a tentative wondering coming out of the experience of child.​ It’s the search for alternative stories about events, conversations and actions.

​If we’re not curious, we make rapid judgements leading to non-reflective action which can shut down our ​relationship with another. And quite often means we get a completely different story to that of the child because we have put our own judgements on it.

Empathy

Empathy is the ability to “feel” with someone. With empathy, when the child is sad or in distress, the adult is feeling the sadness and distress as well and communicates that they know how difficult this experience is and that they are there to support them through it.

Through empathy we build relationships and make connections.​ When we express empathy, we are expressing our understanding of the other.​ The adult is also communicating strength, love and commitment, with confidence that sharing the child’s distress will not be too much. Together they will get through it.

As much as we’d like to, we can’t directly change a child’s experience, or the way it is communicated through language or behaviour. But what we can do is change our response to it.​ If caregivers respond differently, over time they will notice the child change the way they behave or communicate.​

It can be difficult to maintain a PACE-ful stance all of the time and caregivers need to exercise some self-compassion at times when parenting is hard. If caregivers can adopt the stance of PACE most of the time, they can reduce the intensity of conflict, defensiveness and withdrawal that tends to be ever present in the lives of developmentally traumatised children. Using PACE enables the caregiver to see the strengths and positive features that are so often masked by negative and challenging behaviour.

Through PACE and feeling safer, children learn to rely on adults, particularly their parents, and trust them to truly know them. They learn that their parents can look after them in a way that they could never do on their own.

Recommended Reading for adults

Everyday Parenting with Security and Love: Using PACE to Provide Foundations for Attachment, Kim S. Golding, London and Philadelphia, Jessica Kingsley Publishers, 2017*

Creating Loving Attachments: Parenting with PACE to Nurture Confidence and Security in the Troubled Child, by Kim S. Golding and Daniel A. Hughes. Jessica Kingsley Publishers, 2012*

To read more parenting articles, click here. If you’re looking for books to help younger children understand and manage their emotions, this book guide written by Jenna from Mumernity is a great place to start.  We’ve already got Ruby’s Worry which we’ve found really helpful. I’m definitely going to buy Tiger Has a Tantrum as our youngest’s tantrums are off the scale at the minute.

If you’d like to read more about how our brains work and affect our emotions, A Box Full of Joy has some great posts about this. Nicole has over 10 years of teaching experience and has created resources for parents (and schools) to help support children manage big feelings like anxiety.

This post includes affiliate links for the books. That means if you click on the link to the book, and then buy it, I get paid a fee from Amazon.

The reality is far from that when we ask for help. But I think when you’ve been through so much to become a parent, you’re terrified that something will go wrong. If you are struggling, talk to someone. Ask for help. There’s so much support available from lots of different places. Keri’s suggested a few places who provide help and support at the bottom of her post.

You can read Keri’s journey to meeting her son here and if you don’t follow her on Instagram already, go and say hello.

I managed to hold it together long enough to get back to my car. That’s when I burst into tears. It had taken me over a year to find the courage to ask for help. To admit to a professional that I was struggling with my mental health after adopting the most beautiful baby boy to have ever existed.

I poured my heart out to the GP, telling him how I was emotional, angry, stressed, and not the parent I wanted to be. He began to write down a phone number for a free-to-access CBT service (which was already no longer being offered) as he told me “You’re probably just resentful of having to look after a child that isn’t yours”.

Post-adoption depression was discussed only briefly in our pre-adoption training. We were told it existed, and it was slowly being recognised. But that was it. I wasn’t given any resources about what to do if I didn’t feel perfect. Or signposted to anywhere that might be able to support, other than the Local Authority’s own Post-Adoption Support Team.

But here’s the issue with that; if you’re struggling with depression, the last people you want to contact are social workers. Because having only very positive interactions with social workers throughout the adoption process, admitting I was struggling to them just felt like lighting an emergency flare to say “HEY, I’M NOT OK AND SO NEITHER IS THIS CHILD YOU TRUSTED ME WITH!”.

My mental health declined immediately once my son was placed with me. But it took time to recognise it. His first night with me was torture. I didn’t sleep for fear he would wake up and I wouldn’t hear him. I put this down as normal parenting worries, and to some extent it was. But it persisted.

Despite everything I was told about keeping his routine the same as it was with his foster carer, I decided that the bedtime routine needed to change. I couldn’t put this 13 month old little boy in his cot and leave him to cry and self-soothe when I was trying to teach him what no matter what, I’d be there for him.

So, every night, I would take him to his bedroom, sit on the floor in the dark with him whilst he had a warm bottle of milk, cradling him until he was asleep, and then very carefully place him in his cot. Where he would immediately wake up and scream. I’d repeat the routine until it worked, and then carefully commando-crawl across his bedroom floor so as not to wake him up.

This is normal parenting, and most parents can relate to this, but I felt like such a failure. I’d been told repeatedly what a good sleeper he was. And yet here he was, in my care and not sleeping. Looking at it objectively I knew it was because he was completely traumatised from moving from his foster placement to his new home. But I couldn’t separate his behaviour from my failures as a mother.

I eventually managed to fall asleep, but even the slightest whimper or sign over the baby monitor would have me waking in a cold sweat. I had panic attacks that he would wake up and I wouldn’t be able to get him back to sleep. I couldn’t imagine anything more horrific. It felt like the worst thing that could possibly happen. And it happened a lot.

He also wouldn’t eat. Not the solid food I’d been told he enjoyed. Or the baby porridge that he’d still have for breakfast in foster care. He was 13 months old and surviving on milk, with the occasional Greek yogurt with honey. I tried everything I could. Encouraging him to feed himself, ensuring we had the same meals and that we ate together, leaving food on the side within his reach and allowing him to just wander up to it and have it when he was ready.

I lost count of the times I sat on my kitchen floor and cried as another plate of beans had been launched at the wall. I tried feeding him exactly the same meals he was used to, down to the same brand baby ready meals. He refused them all. I tried my best to ensure that meal times were not a battle. But I was completely unable to relax.

And therein lies the problem; our children pick up on our anxieties. He knew I had no confidence in myself as a mother. And so he had no confidence in me either. Whilst this is probably true for any new parent struggling with a child, the difference is that my son had spent his first year with a very competent foster family who met his needs. And then he lost them and moved in with a stranger who he didn’t believe could look after him.

The guilt was immense and multifaceted. I couldn’t admit out loud that I was struggling because I was sure the response I would get was “but this is what you wanted?”. I had gone through so much to get my son and become his mother and the thought of admitting I was not coping seemed so ungrateful for this amazing gift I’d been given.

I also felt guilty about the fact that so many children are removed from birth parents before they’re even given the opportunity to parent due to concerns that they wouldn’t cope. Here was this beautiful child who’d been given to a parent who couldn’t cope. I didn’t deserve him.

The guilt ate away at me. I would spend hours just looking at his perfect face and falling head over heels in love with him, thinking “one day soon they are going to realise I can’t do this, and I will lose you forever”.

It made me feel constantly sick with anxiety, that I was only ever one misstep away from losing him.

All of this was magnified by the fact that as a newly adoptive parent, you really try to keep your world small in order not to overwhelm your new child. You’re advised not to have family or friends around. My parents had already booked a holiday that coincided with the first two weeks of placement. I didn’t want to tell them how hard I was finding it because I didn’t want to spoil their time away or make them feel guilty for leaving.

My best friend stepped up like the hero she is. She came round to sit in the garden and make sure I was ok. Or to help me escape for a walk when things got really tough. She was the first of my friends to meet my son. Sooner than I had anticipated but it was completely necessary to keep me from having a breakdown. Entire afternoons were spent in her living room whilst our sons played together and we drank coffee. She reassured me that I could do this.

She was right. Slowly but surely I became more confident in my parenting abilities. It took a lot of time. It was nine months before he finally ate a home cooked meal. His sleep at least got better sooner rather than later. The sleep gave me enough mental clarity to understand that I needed professional help.

Despite the first doctor I saw dismissing me (and telling me my child was not really mine, which I obviously put in a formal complaint about), the second was much more understanding. They immediately provided the right support – a combination of CBT and a low dose of anti-depressants. I no longer felt ashamed of my struggle and I recognised that both me and my son had been traumatised by the circumstances that brought us together.

My mental health is still an ongoing battle. I’m still on the anti-depressants. A higher dose than when I was first diagnosed with anxiety and depression, and I’ve recently started another round of CBT. But for the most part, I feel confident in my parenting, which means that the relationship between my son and I is stronger than I ever imagined it could be.

I still have wobbles.  I took him to a forest back in April, and we got lost and had no way of finding our way back to the car other than to hope for the best. I cried myself to sleep that night believing I had some nerve calling myself a mother. That the most basic thing I should be doing in keeping him safe was beyond my capabilities. But on a day-to-day basis, I look at my son and see that he is happy, healthy, loving, kind, caring, thoughtful, and intelligent. I recognise that I have at least played some part in this.

If you’re struggling with your mental health following adoption, here are some resources that can help:

• Adoption UK are always here for you and can signpost you to the relevant support
• The Child Psychology Service have provided an understanding of so many of the issues facing new adoptive parents, which can hopefully help you to realise you’re not alone
• Your LA/VA Post-Adoption Support Team (I mentioned how scary this feels, but I promise they will support you and not judge you – mine have been a fantastic support)
• The #adoptionuk community on Instagram
• Me! I will be your village. Find me on Instagram at @kezzabods and I promise you that if you reach out and ask for support, I have got you.

While we waited to meet her, one of my biggest fears was that she wouldn’t like us. After all we’d gone through to become her parents, what if we just didn’t bond?

I was very pleasantly surprised with how well she took to us when we first met. My heart melted when she put her arms up for hubby to pick her up. There weren’t any big signs of anxiety when we brought her home. She was a happy, warm and content little girl and seemed to take everything in her stride.

As with all babies, she cried but could usually be easily soothed. It was a whole different story when she hurt herself or was distressed by something. Our natural reaction was to pick her up and hold her close. She was happy to be picked up but she hated being pulled in close for a hug. She kept us at arms length, literally.

The first time this happened I felt awful. As a new mum, all I wanted to do was hold my baby close and take her pain away. I was devastated she wouldn’t let me. It already felt like we were stealing someone else’s baby when we first brought her home. Her not wanting me to hug her made that feeling worse.

I felt like people were judging me when I couldn’t sooth my baby, particularly when it happened in public. It made me feel completely inadequate when it happened during a photo shoot a few months after she came home.

We were having professional photos taken for Christmas presents. Eldest managed to wriggle her way out of the bottom of the tree the photographer had propped her up in. She fell flat on her face into a bed of leaves. Obviously she got a big shock (as did we).

I felt utterly inadequate when she wouldn’t let me hug her to calm her down. It felt like everyone in the park could see that I wasn’t really her mum. That I was just someone pretending at being a mum and failing miserably.

We mentioned it to the health visitor. BIG mistake. I was hoping to be reassured by her but was very worried by her response. She said it could be a sign of autism and so something we had to monitor.

It could be a sign of autism. But there were also plenty of other things it could be. At nine months old, we had taken her away from the only carers she had ever known.  Was it really surprising she was wary of us when she was distressed?

I’m very glad we also mentioned it to our lovely social worker. She instantly put our minds at rest and wasn’t surprised by what we were experiencing. In fact she said it was a good sign.

If eldest had let us hug her straight away, it would have suggested a lack of attachment to her foster carers. That in turn may mean attachment problems with us.  Keeping us at arms length until she trusted us was therefore a good sign.

Gradually, over time, little miss would let us hug her more and more. I’ll never forget the first time she let me properly soothe her when she was upset. I thought my heart was going to burst. It felt like such a big thing and made me feel like perhaps I was a proper mum.

Developing a bond with your child, however you come to be their parent, is never straight forward. It’s different for everyone. That’s part of what makes parenting the amazing rollercoaster that it is as everyone experiences things differently.

Receiving big squeezy bear hugs from our daughter now makes me see how far we’ve all come. To her I’m the only mum she’s ever known. I’m her world and she is my universe.

Embarking on the assessment process gave me hope for the first time in a long time.  Hope that we would be parents.  That I was finally going to be a mum.

Once we were approved I was excited about being matched with our child and setting off on our journey as a family together. I didn’t really think too much about how I’d actually feel about our child. I just assumed I’d love them straight away.  That’s what happens when you have a child. You love them from the minute you set eyes on them. Don’t you?

I didn’t give birth to my 2 amazing nieces but I loved them from the second I met them. Why would it be any different for our child?

It was different though. It was very different.

I’d spent years dreaming about becoming a mum and built it up in my head to be something it could never be.  I’d imagined everything would be perfect. That our family life would be lovely and organised and a fabulous bubble of sparkles and happiness.

The day we met our daughter for the first time was surreal.  After waiting for so long, we were finally going to be parents to a baby. A nine month old bundle of happiness, mischief and gorgeousness. What more could we have asked for? She was perfect.

So why didn’t I love her?

I felt nothing the first time I held her other than complete panic.  Panic that I wouldn’t be any good at being her mum.  That we wouldn’t be good enough to make up for the fact that she couldn’t spend her childhood with her birth family. How could we make up for that?  I felt like we were kidnapping someone else’s child.

Over thinking is something I’ve become very good at and I really excelled once we brought our daughter home.  I felt jealous of my husband and his uncomplicated view of things.  He loved her from the moment he set eyes on her.  He empathised with her birth family and understands her history and that it’s part of who she is. But he just accepted it and moved on.

I struggled with my feelings for the first few months. Rather than feeling the overwhelming love I’d been expecting, I mainly felt guilty. Guilty because I was getting to enjoy so many precious moments with this beautiful little person that I didn’t create.

I didn’t carry her for nine months or feel her growing and kicking inside me. I didn’t give birth to her so why should I get to experience all of these good times when the person who did create her couldn’t?

It took me a while to realise that feeling guilty wasn’t helping anyone.  We played no part in the court proceedings and to a large extent, neither did birth mother. She agreed to our daughter being accommodated by the local authority before she gave birth.

I can’t even begin to understand how it must have felt giving birth to a child she knew she wouldn’t be taking home with her. But she did and we had no part in any of that.

The court decided adoption was the best option for our daughter to have a safe, loving and happy childhood. If we hadn’t been matched with her, someone else would.

Gradually I learned to let go of the guilt. It has slowly been replaced by the all consuming love I’d expected to feel from the start. I can’t imagine our lives without her now.  She’s our world and I feel so proud to be her mum.

It still completely blows my mind to think that she has brothers and sisters that won’t get to be part of her life as she grows up. I think I’ll struggle with that for all of her life. For now though, I’m just enjoying being her mum.