Accredited Trauma Therapist | Author | Speaker

Helping children manage their emotions is no easy task. As a parent, I know this all too well. This quick guide will enable you to help children manage their emotions and behaviours through the festive season, which can be both enjoyable and tricky in equal measures.

Why Emotions are Important

Emotions play a pivotal role in shaping a child’s worldview and resilience. This is the case for all our children and even more so for those who haven’t had a straightforward life. For children who may have experienced abuse, neglect, loss, grief, or significant stress and changes, things can become even more complex.

Validating them and being sensitive to their emotions helps us to understand and support our children and fosters an environment of psychological safety. As Christmas approaches, it’s crucial to recognise that not every child embraces the festivities with the same sense of expected joy.

So, let’s explore the various aspects of supporting children with this.

Managing Our Expectations

The first step is acknowledging the need to adjust our expectations. The idyllic picture of a perfect festive season may not be a reality for every child. Flexibility is key, understanding that some children may find it challenging to engage in traditional festivities, and some may not be able to live up to societal expectations of a Hallmark Christmas.

The Cost of Christmas

The festive season can accentuate socioeconomic disparities, leading to feelings of inadequacy for children in poverty, and if a child has experienced this in their past, Christmas can be very triggering.

It can be helpful to approach gift-giving with sensitivity, focusing on meaningful experiences as well as material possessions can help alleviate pressure. Emphasising the importance of love and connection over material abundance is an important factor, as it can be difficult for children to adjust when things are different (even if on the surface that difference is an improvement on previous difficult circumstances).

Difficult Feelings are Normal

While the desire for a positive Christmas experience is natural, it’s important to understand that developing emotional regulation is a process and moments of sadness or frustration, tiredness, overwhelm, and irritability are normal for children.

We should try to focus less on the need to eliminate negative emotions and more on creating a safe space for expression and processing. Creating a supportive environment where children feel heard and understood fosters emotional well-being and gives them the tools they need to learn to tolerate and manage all of their emotions, even the difficult ones.

We can support children by teaching emotional regulation, which helps them to learn the tools and strategies to deal with overwhelming emotions. Things like simple breathing exercises or mindfulness techniques can help emotional well-being. Helping children recognise their emotions, label and express them appropriately is an important life skill that we need to impart on our children.

Psychological Safety Matters

The festive season, with its crowded gatherings, alcohol, and unexpected visitors, may trigger a heightened stress response in children. Understanding and respecting a child’s need for a sense of control and safety during such times can be really helpful for them.

For example, they might need space and quiet time; they might want to be close to their caregivers to feel regulated and secure. Look out for early signs of overwhelm in children and offer support;  this might involve providing a quiet retreat during busy gatherings or allowing them to opt out of certain activities.

Large gatherings and expectations of physical affection from extended family, friends or even strangers can be overwhelming for children. It can be helpful to communicate openly with relatives and friends about respecting a child’s boundaries. Encouraging alternative ways of expressing love and connection that feel comfortable for the child can help navigate these situations.

Children may feel pressured to conform to societal expectations during the festive season, pretending to enjoy activities or gifts they don’t like. Creating an environment in the home where honesty is valued can enable children to feel safe expressing their true feelings.

How to help children navigate the festive season: Santa Claus

The tradition of Santa Claus, while magical for many, can be unsettling for some children. We spend most of our time warning them to be careful and teaching them about safety, and children who have experienced trauma will have a heightened sensitivity to threat.

It’s therefore counterintuitive for them to be told that there is a bearded old guy coming into the home at night when they are asleep! Being mindful of the potential discomfort this may cause and offering reassurance about the safety of the environment is important.

Plan for Less

For me, the key to a happy, relaxed and enjoyable festive season is recognising and preparing for challenges and reducing the demands of both our children and ourselves. Where possible, build in time to recuperate, rest and get away from the hustle and bustle.

Remember that children don’t have the same level of capacity to cope with difficult emotions, calm themselves when under stress, or contain their excitement to a socially acceptable level. They will inevitably need our help and support to do so. Plan to do half of what you would without children, then reduce it some more!

Shelley is the founder of Fortitude Psychological Therapy, an independent therapy practice. Offering therapy, supervision and teaching for people who want to learn how to navigate the complexity of trauma. Taking an easy-to-understand and compassionate approach, Shelley makes complicated concepts simple. Head to her website to find out more about her work and access some free resources.

Head to the parenting section to read Shelley’s article about relational trauma.

I imagined our first Christmas as parents five years ago would have an extra layer of magic. Unfortunately, it didn’t live up to my very high expectations. My mum had a mini stroke the week leading up to Christmas. And then, even more inconsiderately, my husband got pneumonia on Boxing Day. That led to a hospital stay and an extremely stressful few days. Not the Christmas I’d planned.

It can be very easy to get swept up in the “perfect” Christmas image we see on TV and social media. Perfect decorations and gifts enjoyed by the whole family. Kids that never spill food down their perfect clothes. And who behave impeccably.

TV and social media land isn’t real life. Kids wouldn’t be kids if they didn’t spill things. Or draw on things. Or fight, scream and shout. But having perfect images of what it should be like can make us feel like we’ve failed if our Christmas isn’t like that.

For a lot of adopted children, Christmas can be a challenging time. Changes in routine, memories and triggers of unhappy experiences from their past can cause challenging behaviour. This leads to stress for everyone leaving us wondering whether it’s worth all the effort.

So, what can you do to make Christmas a time everyone can enjoy? Here’s some ideas that may help:

1. Lower your expectations. Too many events, trips, parties or whatever are likely to cause overload and stress. Keep it simple and build things up. Take pleasure in small things.
2. Keep to routines for things like bed time and getting up as much as possible. Stick to familiar food and mealtimes as often as you can.
3. Involve your children with planning. Ask what they’d like to do to make them feel comfortable and relaxed.
4. Be flexible and prepared to change things if it’s clear something isn’t working. A lot of children are frightened by Father Christmas. Let them be as close or distant as they feel comfortable doing. Or don’t visit him at all if it causes them too much stress.
5. Build in quiet time doing what they need to do to relax. If being outdoors calms them down, get out as much as you can. Make sure you’ve got clothing for all eventualities so you’re all warm whatever the weather.
6. Let them open presents when they want. Some children feel overwhelmed by a large number of parcels. If they just want to open a couple and the rest later, let them.
7. Start new traditions that are child led.
8. Keep a record of what works and what doesn’t. Build on what works the following year.

Keeping things simple and familiar can lead to some magical memories being made. This will be our sixth Christmas with our eldest. Some of my best memories are of simple things like going to the park on Boxing Day, or watching a movie together snuggled on the sofa (for about 10 minutes!).

Everyone has a different version of perfect. Yours will be different from mine and that’s absolutely fine. Try not to get swept up with what everyone else is doing. Do what’s best for you and your family.

This article is the last one for 2019. Thank you to everyone who’s contributed and supported the magazine over the last two months since launch. I’m looking forward to sharing more stories, experiences and advice on everything to do with adoption in 2020.

Merry Christmas and wishing you all a peaceful, happy and healthy 2020.

Suzy

My childhood memories about Christmas centre around time with my family. Other than the year I received a cot for my doll which I was desperate to get, I can’t remember any other present I received. What I do remember is the excitement, the anticipation, making memories and family traditions. We always had a stocking which had satsumas, chocolate and shiny new 1 and 2 pence pieces in it. I loved delving into the bottom of my crimson stocking and would have been quite happy with just that.

My parent’s weren’t particularly well off so we didn’t get big extravagant presents. I’m glad we didn’t as I loved opening lots of little things. I’d always make sure I took my time so I had presents left to open after my sister had opened hers. That drove her nuts but I managed it every year!

I wanted our adult Christmases to be more like that. Presents should show someone how much you care about them and that you’ve taken time to get something just for them. It doesn’t have to be big or expensive. I’ve always loved to bake and had been experimenting with making chocolates so I decided that rather than buying presents for our families, I’d make them a hamper. It’s been about 7 years now since I started making them and I know that the time and effort I put into them is appreciated much more than an expensive pile of presents ever was.

My sister and I made some things together in a pre-Christmas baking day. We’ve had some epic failures as well as some fabulous makes. We’ve damaged beyond repair several pans and tins trying in vain to make fudge. Our biggest fudge fail was when the mixture set like concrete in the pan. Needless to say, the pan and it’s contents went in the bin and we haven’t tried to make it since.

For quite a few years we made lemon curd which was completely divine. We’ve also tried our hand at jam and chutney as well as various cakes, cookies and chocolates. Unfortunately, we don’t have as much time as we used to so the repertoire has reduced somewhat, but I still love making them. This year has been the start of a new tradition because little Miss will be able to help. Baking with her is a lovely way for us to spend time together. She’ll happily chop her pear pieces with her spoon while I do things she can’t help with.

We’ve made a start this year with chocolate cornflake cakes as she’s going to give them and some peppermint creams to her nursery teachers for Christmas gifts. She loves the whole process from choosing and counting out the cupcake cases, to mixing the ingredients and cleaning the bowl out at the end. That is definitely her favourite part!

For a lot of years I made cinnamon and apple cupcakes, but a few years ago I discovered a delicious gingerbread recipe in a Sainsbury’s magazine and have been making those ever since. They are utterly delicious. It’s the only gingerbread recipe I’ve come across with apple sauce as an ingredient. It seems like an odd thing to add, but it keeps the sponge lovely and moist and light. With a creamy chocolate butter icing and mini gingerbread decorations, they have been a popular entrant in the hampers.

Little Miss and I are going to make peppermint creams and this Christmas rocky road from a Nigella recipe. She’ll love bashing the biscuits and then mixing everything together. I usually make cookies using one of Nigella’s chocolate or cranberry recipes, but this year we’re going to break with tradition and make gingerbread men so that little Miss can decorate them.

I’ve been making chocolates for quite a few years, not just for the hampers but as birthday gifts too. They take a bit of time but are well worth the effort. I’ve experimented and adapted lots recipes to make my own flavours. My favourites are lemon creams based on a limoncello truffle recipe by Hope and Greenwood. It took a lot of attempts to perfect them, but it was well worth it because they are delicious. My mum makes Christmas cake slices for the hampers which I ice and decorate so it truly is a family affair.

I’ve always loved the magic and sparkle of Christmas. Seeing how much people enjoy the hampers and appreciate the time and effort we’ve put into them is what Christmas is all about. You don’t need lots of money for expensive gifts. Simple and thoughtful is definitely best as is creating traditions that everyone will enjoy and cherish. Making memories with the ones you love is what it’s all about. Christmas really doesn’t have to be expensive and it is much more satisfying when isn’t.