Me – mummy, daddy, and our daughter who is now two.  My husband has two grown-up sons who live in their own houses.  Both our fathers are around plus lots of extended family and complicated family trees!

Was your agency a local authority or a voluntary agency?

Local authority called ‘Together for Adoption’ which was created by five boroughs who teamed up over the years. It covers most of the North West.

What was your biggest worry before you started?

That we would be classed as ‘not good enough or declined for a reason that was beyond our control. Covid happened and navigating through that unknown as well as the process when it was new to everyone while staying safe, was difficult. 

Why did you decide to go down the fostering-to-adopt route? 

We started on the regular adoption route, which had an introduction to the fostering for adoption section and gave us the option of more on another course.  We also went to an open evening meeting people who had experienced it and it seemed like we could take this path and we were a good fit for what they needed.

How did the matching process work? Did you look at lots of profiles?

The matching process is a little different to “traditional” adoption. There aren’t any profiles to look at or pictures as they are unborn, but the local authority already knows which babies are coming through the system and roughly when you are likely to complete your training and hopefully be approved. 

The matchmaker links you with an unborn child and their family. We then read the information to check were happy with everything before moving any further.  The first child recommended to us didn’t work out, but our daughter was mentioned a week later, and the rest fell into place.

How old was your child when they came home?

She arrived at our home straight from the hospital at four days old.

From your point of view, what are the main differences between fostering to adopt and a “normal” adoption placement?

You have the opportunity to give a child a stable and loving environment from the moment they arrive and help them with that first stage of life, which is so important to them for setting foundations.  You can give them consistency and know their story from as early as possible to be able to give them the answers they need as they grow. 

It is riskier for you as there is still a chance they may not stay with you. But a wonderful situation to be in for everyone when they do stay, by not being moved around.  You will be giving them the best start in life either way.

When a child is placed with you under a “normal” adoption plan, the court has already made the Care and Placement orders so there is very little uncertainty about the placement. But the child will have moved from at least one foster placement, sometimes a lot more.

How did contact work? Did you meet the birth family at each session or did a social worker take your child in?

We had a contact session from the Monday after she came home to us on the Friday.  This was for an hour, three times a week at a centre specifically for these types of meetings.  It was a 45-minute drive there and we handed her over to a trained social worker in a carpark within walking distance, and she would be returned an hour later. 

Her birth family weren’t able to know the drop-off/pick-up situation for everyone’s safety.  We would then make the journey home. 

Communication was done through a notebook. We also had a video call every Friday morning where they could see her but not us or where we were. This was all done during Covid restrictions which did make things a little trickier.  It was emotionally very hard for all involved but you have to just do what is right for your child.

How did you find the fostering to adopt process? 

We didn’t know what to expect even though we were prepped as much as possible.  It was raw, difficult and stressful. But the joy of having our little girl to care for was rewarding and wonderful and we knew we were doing it all for her. 

We had amazing support from the social workers, friends, and family. But looking back, we really needed specific fostering for adoption support. We have gone on to support others going through the process now to try and fill in those gaps for them. 

You can feel at times that you don’t have any say or some decisions but have to have faith in the process and learnt to be very patient.

How long was your child home before the Care and Placement orders were made at court?

Seven months for the care and placement orders. And then the adoption order was completed another six months later

How did adoption leave work?  

I ended up being lucky enough to extend my maternity leave at work. I initially took 12 months off.  We balanced savings and maternity pay and we were paid while we were fostering which helped.  I went back to work four days a week after 16 months off work.

Were you entitled to any allowance or payment as foster carers?

Yes, you get a weekly payment and expenses.  It helps with nappies and milk and keeping your life balanced.

What has been the most difficult part of the process?

Having others make some serious decisions for you and your child. Trying not to get too attached just in case but knowing you had fallen completely in love anyway. 

Hoping you were making the right decisions when the time came and making sure you have all the answers for them. Court dates changing and fighting for what you think is right or wrong was tough.

It was a lot to have so many different social workers coming into our lives and knowing everything about us, and then leaving. We really missed them as they became a part of it all.

Contact with the birth family, knowing their backgrounds and being comfortable with everything was challenging.  We learnt not to judge another person’s life or the reasons why this child is with you.

Have you needed to access additional help and support from your agency since your child came home?  If so, what and did it meet your needs?

Only for small things and they are always helpful. There are ways to stay involved with nurture groups and monthly catch ups with other families in similar situations.

What has been your best memory since your child came home?

The day she arrived and a few nights later when the shock wore off, we both realised just how brilliant she is. Getting her passport in the post was an amazing feeling! And seeing how settled she is and how much she’s thriving from our care and love.

If you could go back and have a conversation with yourself about the process before you started, what would you say?

Do it – a million times over. Some naivety is good as I don’t think some would do it if they really knew how hard it is. But isn’t becoming a parent hard no matter how it happens? It’s just different. 

Reach out. Find people who have been through it – it’s good to vent to someone who understands.  Keep the communication open in your relationships. You won’t parent the same way and you won’t deal with the process of fostering for adoption the same either. But that doesn’t mean it’s wrong.

I’d tell myself to be forgiving.

Head to the adoption section to read more adoption stories.

The outcome for this type of placement is uncertain, until all of the assessments of birth family have been completed. It is then for the court to decide whether a plan of permanence is the only option for the child.

This article is written by Adoption Tees Valley, sharing what the process was like for two of their adopters.

Chris and Pete adopted siblings Matthew and Amber through Adoption Tees Valley, a regional adoption agency who cover the North East of England. Amber, their youngest child and Matthew’s biological brother, came to Pete and Chris under an early permanence placement.

Early permanence

Early permanence placements are where children, often young babies, are placed in foster care, with carers who are approved as both foster carers and adopters. The carers are able to work with uncertainty around the child’s future plan, while assessments are being undertaken. Early permanence carers will foster the child initially, but will go on to adopt them later if the courts decide they cannot be cared for permanently by their birth family.

The benefit of early permanence placements is that they minimise disruption to children’s lives and give them a chance to bond earlier with people who may go on to adopt them.

Pete talks about their experience

When our adoptive son was five, we received a phone call – he had a biological sister on the way. We were asked if we would consider caring for her on a ‘fostering for adoption’ basis. We didn’t have to think twice about our response. The opportunity to keep brother and sister together – even if just in those formative first stages – with the potential for early permanence, was a no-brainer for us.

We did, of course, have to be realistic and continually bear in mind the different potential outcomes. There was no guarantee this would be any more than a foster placement, and the little girl could be returned to her birth family if that was judged to be in her best interests. But even so, giving her that best possible start to life and allowing brother and sister the chance to get to know each other, was something we were resolute to provide.

During this time, it was amazing to watch their relationship flourish. The love and care they had for each other was clear for all to see. And it provided us with so much more opportunity to talk to our son about his identity, giving the photos and information in his life story book further and more tangible meaning.

Getting to know birth parents

It also allowed us a much greater insight into the children’s identity as parents/carers ourselves. We worked incredibly closely with birth parents. We met them through family time (contact) three times a week, attending medical appointments together and attending official meetings alongside the wide range of professionals there to support everyone. This gave us the invaluable opportunity to get to know birth parents as people – beyond the photos and pen portraits.

This was challenging at times, but all in the best interests of the little girl at the heart of the process – and we wouldn’t have had it any other way.

And now, three years on and an adoption order later, we have those memories and that learning as a family. We can talk to our son and daughter with genuine sincerity that we met their birth parents, that we knew them, and that we saw first hand how much they loved them and wanted the very best for them. That they had had to make some very difficult decisions; that they trusted us. And that ability to provide such an in depth and honest view of their history and identity undoubtedly makes us an even stronger family unit.

If you’re interested in early permanence and would like to find out more, contact Adoption Tees Valley on 01642 526 400, via email or have a look at their website.

To read more early permanence experiences, click here.

This type of placement puts the uncertainty and risk of disruption on adopters, rather than the child. If the plan for adoption is approved by the court, the child won’t have any moves. They’ll have been with their new parents more or less from birth. If they do move, it will usually be so they can live with their birth family, rather than into another foster placement.

For adopters, fostering to adopt comes with a degree of uncertainty. While court proceedings are ongoing, there is the possibility the child could move to their birth family. It does happen. That’s why if you’re considering fostering to adopt, you know exactly what it means.

I’m very grateful to @fpd5 for sharing her family’s experience of fostering to adopt. It gives a great insight into what the process entails.

Introduce yourself and your family

Hi, I’m Fleur – my family consists of me, my husband and our daughter A who we adopted three-and-a-half years ago. We are an international family with British, Kiwi and Dutch passports!

Was your agency a local authority or voluntary agency?

We went with the local authority we lived in.

What was your biggest worry before you started?

That I wouldn’t be able to meet the needs of the child(ren) we would end up adopting. The focus of the assessment process is the difficult aspects of children in care and adoption. Everyone needs to be sure that any potential adoptive parents will be able to cope. But I do think there could be some extra focus on the positive outcomes of adoption.

Why did you decide to go down the fostering to adopt route?

We didn’t actually 100% decide to go down this route. It’s something we discussed with our social worker during the assessment process. We had some reservations as we weren’t sure if we could cope with the possibility of a child being returned to their birth family.

However, when the situation arose, we realised we could give a child a really good start to their life in a warm and loving environment. This would hopefully put them in good stead if they were returned to their birth family.

How did the matching process work?

We were approved as adopters in March 2018. We looked at lots of profiles on LinkMaker and profiles that our social worker sent to us, and had expressed interest in a couple of children.

I work in pharmaceuticals where things move at the speed of light and everyone needs things immediately. I was getting frustrated by how slowly everything seemed to be taking.

Then one day in May 2018 I received a phone call from our social worker asking if we were interested in fostering to adopt a baby girl who was born the previous day.

She was born on the Wednesday, we had the phone call on the Thursday and she was home with us on the Friday. They offered a bridging foster placement in case we couldn’t be ready in time, but we went ahead with it. We wanted to keep the changes to a minimum for A and felt there was no point in her getting used to other people for a week or so then coming to live with us.

We literally had 24 hours to get everything we needed! Luckily a lot of our friends had had babies in the six months prior so I phoned them all, they clubbed together and lent us everything we needed. That helped a lot and we are forever grateful to them!

How old was your child when they came home?

She was two days old.

From your point of view, what are the main differences between fostering to adopt and a traditional adoption placement?

There is more uncertainty in a fostering to adopt situation. Less is known about potential development issues because these often come about over time. There is always the possibility that the child can go back to their birth family until the adoption order is granted.

For various reasons and hold ups, A’s adoption order wasn’t granted until just under a year after she came to live with us. Obviously it’s all consuming looking after a baby, but that tiny bit of worry would sometimes creep into my mind that she’d end up leaving us.

We’d obviously grown very attached to her and reminded ourselves that if she did end up back with her birth family, at least we had given her a good start to life.

How did contact work with birth family?

There was no contact with A’s birth family.

How did you find the fostering to adopt process?

Hugely positive so far. A has been with us since she was two days old so we’ve experienced nearly her entire life. When she’s older, we can tell her exactly what she was like as a baby (stubborn from the very beginning! )

How long was your child home before the care and placement orders were made at court?

Nearly a year. The adoption order was granted a couple of weeks before A’s 1^st birthday.

How did adoption leave work?

Given that I was only able to give my work 24 hours notice that I’d be going on adoption leave, very smoothly!

In the end, my husband & I did shared parental leave. I did the first nine months and he did the last three months. Both our companies had very generous policies, which helped financially.

I then dropped down to working four days a week when she went to childcare when she turned one, so we could have Fridays off together. She’s three-and-a-half years old now and we still have Fridays off together.

Were you entitled to any allowance or payment as foster carers?

Yes, we got a foster care allowance and a settling in grant as well.

What has been the most difficult part about the process?

I didn’t really find the process difficult. I think the difficult bits will come in the future when A realises the reasons for her adoption. She is beginning to understand what it all means, and obviously we are open and honest with her in an age-appropriate way.

We are big on talking about how we feel, so I hope this gives her the ability to talk to someone in the future (if not me or my husband then a counsellor) about how she feels about it all.

Have you needed to access additional help and support from your agency since your child came home?  

We haven’t needed anything yet.

What has been your best memory since your child came home?

This keeps changing. There are pros (and cons!) about each age we’ve experienced with A so far. She is a happy smiley girl and strikes a great balance of being obsessed with pink / princesses / unicorns (we did try to keep it gender neutral but the pink got her in the end!) and getting as muddy / dirty as possible when we’re in the park or painting etc.

She’s at a great age right now because we can have proper chats with her. She is stubborn as hell and reckons she’s right about everything. I really hope she holds on to these traits as she grows up because she will definitely become a strong, independent woman who can change the world.

If you could go back and have a conversation with yourself about the process before you started, what would you tell yourself?

To be patient and to just trust that what is meant to be will happen.

Obviously it’s not fair for A that she’s been adopted. No-one deserves the pain and loss of being separated from their birth family, no matter how young. However, she has been the perfect daughter for us and I hope the start we’ve given her in life will mean she has a happy life as she grows up.

We will support her 100% in whatever she wants to do when she’s older, and if/when she wants to find her birth family, we will be with her holding her hand the entire way.

If you’d like to read about more adoption experiences from adoptees, birth parents and adopters click here

This week’s interview is with Aimee. You can follow her on Instagram @aimeevlog and she has a brilliant YouTube Vlog covering all aspects of the adoption process Aimee Vlog

Introduce yourself and your family

My name is Aimee, I’m currently 27 years old. After achieving an early childhood degree and deciding that primary teaching wasn’tt for me, I began my career in an incredible day nursery chain. Family is a huge part of my life and adoption has always been on the cards for me.

My husband is James, 29 years old and the most laid back individual you’ll ever meet. Jay works as a pub manager and is the light to any dark, the silver lining to any rain cloud and my absolute soul mate.

Casey is our oldest child, currently two and a half years old. He came to us almost two years ago through traditional adoption and is absolutely the best thing to ever happen to us. He is the most amazing big brother to his sister and has my husband and I’s sense of humour down to a T!

Ceira is our second and youngest child at one and a half years old. She moved in with us on a foster to adopt placement shortly after her birth. She has opened our eyes even further to parenthood, showing us every single day of newborn life & how much more hearts grow after each child!

What area of the UK do you live in?

We live in the Midlands.

Was your agency a local authority or voluntary agency?

Local authority.

Did you read any adoption stories before you started? If so where? (eg blog, Instagram, books

I followed a lot of US YouTube channels for inspiration (Phil&Alex, TheStaufferlife to name a couple)

What was your biggest worry before you started?

Having such little control over the process and leaving it in the hands of almost strangers.

How long did the process take from the point of deciding you wanted to adopt to your child(ren) coming home?

Nine months.

What age and number of children were you approved for? Were you matched to a different age or number of children from this?

We were approved for two children 0-4 years. Our children were within this age group.

How did the matching process work? Did you look at lots of profiles?

Because we were open to sibling groups, our social workers had our match in mind before panel and it was clearly meant to be. We always told ourselves we wouldn’t say yes to the first profile we saw unless it felt perfect…but it did!

What has been the most difficult part about the process?

I found the process emotionally traumatic, especially foster to adopt and facilitating contact. These things were really hard on me, especially as a new mum and a sudden mum of two.

Have you needed to access additional help and support from your agency since your child came home?  If so, what and did it meet your needs?

Nothing as of yet.

What has been your best memory since your child(ren) came home?

Every time my children look at each other and make a sibling connection. Every time they are sweet to each other and every time they bicker. That is exactly why they should be with each other.

If you could go back and have a conversation with yourself about the process before you started, what would you tell yourself?

Your children are out there…in the world or not yet. They will come to you at the right time, no matter how obscure it might seem.