National Adoption Week

“Perfectly imperfect” is the theme of this year’s National Adoption Week. Children need a loving, safe home where they can learn how to be happy, sad, angry, jealous and everything else in between, and that doesn’t take place in a perfect home.

I was worried my husband and I were too old to adopt (we were early and late 40s), and that the fact I was estranged from my dad would mean we wouldn’t be approved.

We weren’t, and it didn’t.

We might not cope as well with disrupted sleep as we did when we were younger, and our bones creak a lot more than we’d like, but our age hasn’t affected our ability to parent.

My relationship with my dad has helped me understand and empathise with how it feels to have no relationship with a birth parent.

All of our imperfections make us the perfect parents for our kids.

Busting myths about adoption in England is the main reason I started the magazine. I knew that if I struggled to find the answers to these questions, others would too.

So, I created the resource I wish had been available that answers those questions and so much more.

Adoption is a rollercoaster and isn’t for the faint-hearted. But it’s a journey I’m so grateful I got to take.

Adopting children with complex needs

With so many children currently waiting for adoption, it’s often the ones who need the most support and have the most challenges that are left behind. All children who can’t live with their birth families and for whom adoption is the only safe option have experienced trauma, however they came to be in care.

But those amazing children with complex needs who need a higher level of care and support have often experienced much more. Their disabilities or complex needs tend to mean they are in foster care for longer.

The South West Permanence Project is dedicated to finding Families for Children with Disabilities and Complex Health Needs.

The team supports children who need more than just a home. They need a family that sees them for the amazing children they are. Many wait years for adoption simply because they have a diagnosis.

“We provide training and prioritise support planning. You don’t need to be a nurse or a superhero, just patient, committed, open, and willing to learn. You could be the difference. Because every child deserves to be chosen and cherished in a permanent family.”

Claire Downes – Project Lead

South West Permanence Project

Since July 2023, Adoption West has played a pivotal role in the development and implementation of the project that is funded by Adoption England. This important initiative builds upon a scoping report by Professor Julie Selwyn and Dr. Andrew Brown, which highlighted the urgent need for tailored support packages for children with disabilities and complex needs placed for adoption.

The support includes access to specialist post-adoption support, which is key to ensuring the right package is in place. This project extends across three Regional Adoption Agencies (RAAs); Adoption West, Aspire, and Adopt South West, which cover 13 local authorities in the south west region of England.

If you’re based in the south west of England and considering adoption, get in touch with Adoption West to find out about the process.

Head to the adoption section to read more articles about the asssessment, matching and other aspects of the adoption process in England.

Introduce yourself and your family

We are Matt and Will. Matt is an assistant headteacher in a large primary school, and Will works as an operations manager in the travel industry. We adopted our two boys in December 2018.

At what point in the process did matching/family finding start? 

We were given access to Family Finder as we were coming to end of Stage 2, a few weeks before panel. At this point, we could flag any children we were interested in, but we hadn’t had a proper conversation with our family finder about what it was exactly we were looking for. Before panel, I don’t think our family finder looked at our flagged children as we didn’t hear from her.

How did it work? Did your social worker do all of the looking or did you get involved in that part?

We were fully involved in looking. Our social worker didn’t look on our behalf but did look at those we’d flagged and discussed some of the profiles in more detail with us. We got married two weeks before going to panel so it was a crazy few weeks for us!

Did you attend any events such as adoption activity days?  If so, what were they like?

No, we didn’t attend any adoption activity days.

How many profiles did you read?

We read a lot of profiles. We knew we wanted siblings, so could search for that on Family Finder. Each evening after work we would have a look together. Sometimes, we would have looked separately during the day so would share any we were interested with each other.

What was the hardest part about this part of the process?

The hardest part was the sheer number of profiles out there and rejecting some children who had needs that we knew we couldn’t support. It’s also really hard when a child’s social worker approaches you and you have to say no because their needs were too much.

How long did it take to find your match?

Once we were given access to Family Finder, our boys’ profile was one of the first we saw and flagged. Straight after approval panel, in early September 2018, we had a meeting with our family finder. She had one paper profile to show us, which was our boys. Things just seemed to be aligning.

We weren’t officially matched with the boys for a few weeks. This was due to the boys’ Local Authority not wanting to pay our agency a finder’s fee. This ultimately led to a conversation between the boss of our agency and the boss of the Local Authority to try and reach an agreement.

In this time of uncertainty about what was happening, we were encouraged to continue the search. We didn’t find any profiles that shouted out to us as much as our pair. So we found our boys really quickly but weren’t officially matched for a few weeks.

What age and number of children were you matched with? Was this the same as you expected or did it change when you started looking?

We were matched with two children, aged three and one. We knew we wanted siblings and were approved for this. When we first started the whole adoption process, we had one child in mind.  Because, ultimately, we knew we wanted more than one child, we decided partway through that we would look for siblings.

What happened once you were linked?  Who did you meet to find out about your children?

Once we were linked, a meeting was set up to meet the boys’ social worker and family finder. They came to our house for lunch, and our social worker was also present. That meeting went really well, and everyone was positive about the match.

We then attended a life appreciation day for the boys. This was a large meeting attended by us and our social worker with anyone who had been involved with the boys and their birth family. This included, though I’m sure I’ve forgotten some, social workers (current and past), family support workers, foster carers of the boys’ older siblings, health care professionals, and nursery school staff who worked with our eldest. It was a lot of people!

On the same visit, we also had a ‘bump-in’ meeting at the foster carer’s house so we could meet the boys. We were introduced as her friends, and our eldest had had his hair cut that day, so he was obsessed with combing our hair. We were invited to our eldest’s nursery school to meet his teacher to hear what he was like at school.

The Local Authority also set up a meeting with a child psychologist to discuss some of our eldest’s unusual traits and behaviours and what could happen with them after placement.

How long was it between being linked and the adoption matching Panel?

We went to the adoption matching Panel in the middle of November 2018. The meeting with the boys’ social worker and family finder was in October 2018. Everything happened quickly. We were one of the quickest from approval Panel to linking to matching Panel our social worker had ever worked with.

Because our boys were not local to us, they arranged for matching Panel and introductions to all be on the same visit. We started introductions two days after Panel.

At what stage did you start preparing your child’s room and buying items for them?

We had to prepare the rooms before going to matching Panel as Panel and introductions were together, so when we came home it was very likely we would have two boys with us. We kept the rooms fairly plain and painted the walls but didn’t fill them with lots of personal bits (other than a framed print for each boy’s room with the first letter of their name on it). That would come later, once we knew they were definitely ours.

We’ve since learnt, though, that our eldest found a busy room unsettling, and it triggered nightmares and anxious thoughts (for example, we had an A-Z print with animals on, but he then kept talking about having a lion in his bedroom, which scared him). His room is very plain and simple now. I would advise not to put too much in the bedroom until they have moved and are settled.  

How did you prepare for the adoption matching Panel? 

Because matching Panel was two days before introductions started, we didn’t prepare a video. It was felt a photo book and transition toy would be sufficient as they would only have a day to look at it before introductions began. We bought each boy a transition toy and took photos of them throughout our house. We made a long photo book for our eldest. Youngest was 15 months at the time of introductions, so we prepared a few photos for him in a book.

What happened at matching Panel?

We went into the adoption matching Panel with ours and the boy’s social workers. It was relatively straightforward. They were a very friendly Panel, and we didn’t feel intimidated. Those boys were going to be ours. We had one question about ensuring schools use the Pupil Premium grant appropriately, but because of Matt’s background in education, we were able to answer this easily. Unusually, they didn’t ask us to then leave the room before informing us it was a unanimous yes.

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Introduce yourself and your family

I’m S, a single mum to my daughter aka Rugrat. She came home in 2020.

At what point in the process did matching / family finding start? 

Towards the end of stage two.

How did it work? Did your social worker do all of the looking or did you get involved in that part?

My social worker started looking for matches before approval panel. I was told about Rugrat on the day of approval panel.

Did you attend any events such as adoption activity days?  If so, what were they like? 

No I didn’t.

What was the hardest bit of this part of the process?

Definitely the waiting. After I read Rugrat’s profile, I then had to wait two weeks to meet her social worker. I barely slept in that time because I was worried that they might go with other adopters.

How long did it take to find your match?

It was really quick. I think my social worker started looking about six weeks before panel. I wasn’t expecting to hear about a match until after the ADM decision so it was a complete surprise to be told about her at approval panel.

What age and number of children were you matched with? Was this the same as you expected or did it change when you started looking?

One child two years old. Yes, I was approved to adopt one child aged 18 months to four years.

What happened once you were linked?  Who did you meet to find out about your child?

I initially met with her social worker and family finder. I then met with the foster carer and the medical advisor. My social worker and Rugrat’s social workers then had the matching meeting to agree to proceed with the match.

How long was it between being linked and matching panel?

It was 10 weeks from first reading her profile to going to matching panel.

At what stage did you start preparing your child’s room and buying items for them?

I bought a few bits once her social worker said he was happy to proceed. I properly started her bedroom about four weeks before panel. It’s been a great thing to do during lockdown.

How did you prepare for matching panel?

I’ve made her a photobook which heavily features the toy bunny I bought her and laminated some A4 pictures of myself. I’ve also made her a snow globe with a picture of me on one side and her on the other. I will record some videos reading her favourite books.

What happened at matching panel?

Matching panel was a fairly unique experience as it had to be done remotely. The panel started with just the professionals and then I was sent a text asking to join. I was asked a series of questions: Why her? What’s my support system like? Do I feel prepared? Am I aware that there’s always uncertainty around adopted children’s development?

I was then asked to leave the call and less than 3 minutes later received a text to say I could dial back in. I was then told it was a unanimous ’yes’ to recommend the placement!

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Until the adoption order is granted, your child is still a looked after child and is therefore under the care of the local authority. They will share parental responsibility with you until the order is made.

Social work visits

Your child’s social worker should come out to visit within the first week of placement, and then every week until the first formal review. These statutory reviews can be a blessing and a hindrance. It can feel like an extra layer of scrutiny while you’re learning how to be a parent and getting to know your child. But it can also be reassuring having someone to talk to who knows your child.

When our eldest came home, it was our social worker who visited as our daughter’s social worker had left the agency. To be honest, I quite liked the fact that she came around a lot. She was lovely and it felt more like a friend dropping in to check we were ok rather than anything formal.

I appreciate that we were very lucky to feel like that. A lot of people find the visits difficult for a number of reasons, not least because they are unsettling for their child. But they have to take place, albeit on a less frequent basis as the placement progresses.

As with everything to do with adoption, how these meetings take place will vary depending on your agency. If your social worker is from the agency that placed the child, the visits may be split between them so someone comes each week, but they don’t both come. If the placing authority is a different agency to where you were assessed, both may come out. However, it’s done, they’re are a statutory requirement and the visits should be recorded.

The adoption process: Statutory review requirements

Social work visits should be weekly until the first review. The first review should take place four weeks after placement and is a “Looked After Child” review and the social worker might refer to it as a LAC review. The venue of the meetings will usually be in your home so that everyone can see how your child is settling into familiar surroundings.

Don’t feel you have to blitz the house and clean everywhere. They’re expecting the house to look lived in so as long as it’s safe, don’t worry about everything looking perfect. Real life is far from perfect and everyone would worry more if it looked like it was.

Either your child’s or your social worker (sometimes both) should attend the meeting, together with the independent reviewing officer and usually your child’s health visitor. Your child’s social worker should have prepared a report outlining a brief history and everyone’s views on the placement. The role of the independent reviewing officer is to make sure the local authority are carrying out all of their statutory obligations. So if there’s something they promised they’d do and haven’t, the review meeting is the time to raise it.

The second review should take place within three months of the first, and if a third one is needed, within six months of the second review. Reviews continue until the adoption order is granted.

Our experience

Our experience of the reviews was that they were informal. We were very lucky and didn’t have any particular issues following the placement of either child, so it may not be as informal for everyone.

There is a statutory framework for the review so that everyone is satisfied the child’s needs are being met by the placement. How this is covered will vary depending on the social worker. Some may go through every question in that type of format. Others may do it as part of a general chat.

If there are things that you feel are not being addressed by the local authority, this is a chance for you to air them so they are minuted and a plan agreed as to how the issue can be resolved. Make sure there’s a clear plan and it’s clear whose responsibility it is to do what.

Medical visits

In addition to there being statutory requirements for the number of social work visits in the early months of placement, there are increased visits from your health visitor. For a birth
child, health visitors visit regularly during the first six weeks, but then the visits become much less frequent although you can ask them to come out if you have any issues.

When a child is placed for adoption, a health visitor from your area should contact you to arrange to come out. You’ll get your child’s health book (ours are red but the colour changes) which details all of their health visits, immunisations etc since birth. This book is in your child’s birth name and stays that way until the adoption order is granted.

We didn’t ask for new books to be issued for our girls once the orders were granted. We felt that they should stay in their birth names because it’s part of their history and the vast majority of entries were made before the order was granted. Whether you ask for new books will probably depend on your child’s circumstances.

Health visitor

With our eldest, the health visitor was the same one she had been seeing ever since she was born. It was decided it would be of benefit for her to have the same health visitor because she knew of the issues in the first few months of our daughter’s life.

With hindsight, I’m not sure that was the best decision. I often felt that things that weren’t really an issue, were being seen as an issue because the health visitor knew about the history. An example of that is the fact that our eldest didn’t really like lumps in her food.

This was brought up in our initial meeting with her foster carer and medical adviser. We were told it could be a sign that her mouth and throat muscles weren’t developing properly which could lead to speech problems. It’s something that the health visitor made a big thing out of too.

I’d talked to my sister and mum about it and they suggested going back a stage with weaning which is what I did (our daughter was nine months old when she came home). I blended lots of foods until they were smooth and gave her that for the first few weeks with finger food. I gradually made the purees lumpier and she ate them quite happily. It turns out that her issue was that she didn’t like buying pre-made meals. I’ve since read that babies fed bought baby food are more likely to not like lumps. I’ve no idea why that is.

Training in trauma

I was disappointed that the health visitor jumped to the worst-case scenario about our eldest’s dislike of lumps, rather than talking through what she was eating and suggesting trying different things. We had several other experiences of her doing this over the next few years too. I suspect it was due to a lack of specific training about adopted children rather than anything else.

Health visitors are a great resource but our experience is it’s best to be cautious about issues that may be due to your child’s early life experiences. The majority aren’t trained to deal with adopted children and the kinds of issues they are likely to be affected by.

If you have concerns about behaviour or development, I would speak to your social worker about it first. They’ll be able to say whether it’s normal behaviour in the context of your child’s history or something that you need to be concerned about. If it’s the latter, I would ask them who they recommend you seek help from.

Other meetings

There may be other meetings with medical professionals, but those will depend on your child’s circumstances. If they are having treatment, that should continue and will have formed part of the placement plan. You may be asked to attend reviews of this before your child is placed so that you know what stage it’s at and how long it will continue.

Depending on the age of your child when they’re placed, there may also be meetings with nursery or school to review how they’ve settled following placement.

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Our girls are full siblings although we adopted them four years apart. Seeing how their relationship has developed and grown over the last few years melts my heart. I can’t begin imagine what it would have been like for them if they hadn’t been able to grow up together.

This article has been put together by ARC Adoption North East and looks at a national initiative to highlight the number of siblings waiting to be adopted.

Keeping siblings together

Voluntary adoption agencies across the UK have come together with a joint mission to stop brothers and sisters who are waiting in care from being separated when adopted.

ARC Adoption North East, who works with families throughout the North East and Cumbria, is among 23 VAAs from all over the UK who have together created a guide for people considering adoption containing helpful information and advice from parents who have already adopted sibling groups.

Terry Fitzpatrick OBE, Director at ARC Adoption North East:

“The impact on children in care who are separated from their brothers and sisters to enable them to find a permanent family is huge, and causes anxiety and loss for children who have already experienced a difficult start in life.

“Yet so few people feel equipped or able to consider adopting a sibling group of three, or even four children.

“We are excited to be part of this project sharing first hand, heartfelt experience and advice from families who have already done this incredible thing of adopting a sibling pair or group.”

Jennifer and Stephen: adopting siblings

Jennifer and Stephen adopted two sisters with the help of ARC Adoption North East and would actively encourage people to adopt siblings so they can stay together and offer each other support. They had this to share in the guide:

“Our girls came to live with us when they were five and two, and unless you are adopting twins you are likely to have an ‘older’ and a ‘younger’ sibling.  They’ve been through similar early experiences that try as we might, we could never fully understand. So, for them to have each other still, in an environment to be able to support each other and talk to each other about things is really valuable.

“An older child is likely to have more understanding and a unique perspective of their history which is something to be embraced and openly talked about whenever they have questions. It has made talking about adoption so much easier, with the younger one being naturally brought into conversations too at a level they understand.”

Voluntary Adoption Agencies

VAAs are specialists in finding families for children who wait the longest in care. They work in partnership with local authorities to find families for children waiting for a permanent home.

VAAs are independent, not-for-profit organisations who have intensive services to provide families with vital support both when the children are placed and into the future.

Maggie Jones, chief executive of the Consortium of Voluntary Adoption Agencies (CVAA) which represents VAAs across the country said:

“Brother and sisters who are adopted together are often the only constant thing in each other’s lives in times of huge upheaval, loss and trauma.

“The voluntary adoption sector are specialists in finding families for sibling groups and being there for them with bespoke packages of support for as long as it’s needed. 

Adopting sibling groups guide

You can download a copy of the advice guide if you’d like to find out more about what it’s like to adopt a sibling group.

ARC Adoption North East

ARC Adoption North East works with families across the North East and Cumbria and is an independent not-for-profit Voluntary Adoption Agency located in Sunderland in the North East of England.

Founded in 2013 the team uses their extensive knowledge and skills to recruit, train, and guide potential adopters through the adoption approval process, in order to provide permanent loving homes to looked-after children.

They also operate an experienced, multi-disciplinary team that delivers a wide range of services aimed at supporting adopted children and their families, which has contributed to them being one of the most successful agencies in the North East region for recruiting families and placing children.

To date, ARC has helped to create over 220 families with 278 children now living in loving homes. If you’d like to find out more about VAAs in your area, head over to the Consortium for Voluntary Adoption Agencies.

If you enjoyed reading this article, why not buy me a coffee to show your support for the magazine? Head over to the home page if you’d like to read more articles about the adoption process and have a look at what’s new.

Some adopters start on their child’s room once they’re approved. That’s what we did. We knew the room needed quite a bit of work so didn’t want to leave it until the last minute. We kept it neutral in terms of colours, although my mum did paint the most amazing mural on one of the walls of Peter Rabbit. It is stunning and nine years on, my daughter still loves it.

I spent a lot of time in the room while we were waiting to be matched. It helped me believe I was going to be a mum. And as odd as it sounds, I felt like I was connecting with our child when I was in there, even though we hadn’t even been linked at that stage.

Favourite things

Children who’ve been in foster care for any period of time will already have their own room. They’ll have likes and dislikes, favourite toys and characters, and hopefully some treasured possessions from their birth family. You’ll need to find out from the fosters carer what their bedroom is like so that you can have some familiar things in their new room.

So, with all of that in mind, I thought it would help to give some tips about how to create your child’s bedroom.

Colour scheme and theme

Picking the theme and colours is a good place to start with the design of the room. If your child is old enough and it’s possible to do through their foster carer, find out what colour they’d like their new bedroom to be. Whether this can be done will depend on how matching has worked for you. Some people have contact with the foster carer direct, some will do several “bump-in” visits before Panel.

If your child loves a particular theme, you could keep paintwork neutral and have a feature wall either in themed wallpaper, or stickers. Buy plain furniture that can be accessorised with soft furnishings and removable stickers. This will help you create a themed room your child will love, that isn’t overwhelming and won’t cost a lot to change if they suddenly decide they prefer superheroes to pirates!

If you’re creating the basics of your child’s room before you’ve been matched, keep everything neutral. Plain walls and soft funishings can easily be added to once you’ve been matched and know all about your child.

Creating a child’s bedroom with accessible storage

Getting the storage right at the start will save you a headache in the future. Kids need a lot of storage if you want them to be able to play in their room. So, if possible, keep that in mind and create enough storage for the future too.

Storage solutions don’t have to involve big cupboards and drawers. Be smart about adding discrete storage to places that don’t take up additional floor space. A bed with a drawer underneath or seating with storage are great ideas for a child’s bedroom. The space can be used for bedding or the next age of clothes and toys.

If you have got storage in cupboards, using different coloured boxes and labels with a picture and the word of what’s inside can help keep everything tidy and make things easy for your child to find. Make sure your storage solutions are easy to use for your child to use and encourage them from an early age to put things away.

Create somewhere special for items from birth family to be kept that are easily accessible. It’s a balance though. You want to make sure the items aren’t damaged, but your child needs to be able to see and talk about them whenever they want.

Windows

Having a big window in a child’s bedroom is great for letting in light and fresh air. But particularly when your child is young, make sure the window dressings block out the light for naps and bedtime.

This can be done using blackout blinds or curtains. If you can’t get blackout curtains in the design you’re looking for, a plain blackout blind may be the solution. This can be fitted behind your themed curtains.

Also, think about ventilation to keep the room cool during the summer months and how you can achieve this without things like flies and moths getting in. There are several different types of insect screens or blinds that are relatively cheap and easy to install.

Future proof the design

Creating a room design that’s easy and cheap to change, isn’t the only way you can future-proof your child’s bedroom. Think ahead and put in things like extra sockets so your child can use a computer/games console/sparkly lights all at once when they’re older.

Make sure there’s somewhere in the room that can be turned into a study area in the future. You could use a desk or table as a doll changing station or lego building area when your child is younger. And transform it into a study area when they’re older.

Invest in furniture that will last and grow with your child. Plain wood or metal works best that can be updated with stickers or paint as your child’s tastes change. A cabin bed can have a play den underneath when you’re child is younger, that converts into a study area when they need it.

Create a child’s bedroom that’s easy to clean

When you’re at the design stage, consider how easy it will be to access all areas of the room and clean it. Your future self will thank you if you make it a design that allows you to clean easily!

A cabin bed, even a low one, is a great space-saving idea. But you need to be able to change the sheets easily (until your child is old enough to do it themselves!). Are you able to get onto the bed easily?

Use washable and wipeable paints on the market which means sticky fingerprints or marks can be easily removed. Use soft furnishings, including curtains, that can be put in the washing machine to clean.

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In this second article from Coram, Kirsty Hammonds, Child Placement Consultant, gives us an insight into what happens on activity days.

Adoption Activity Days – seeing the child behind the profile

For many prospective adopters, their journey will begin by combing through the countless online profiles of children awaiting adoption. They will see photos of the children and read about their personalities, interests and needs while trying to imagine whether that child would be good fit for their family. But with well over 4,000 children currently awaiting adoption in England, gleaning sense of the real child behind the profile and narrowing down the search can be a daunting task.

Thankfully there are now additional family finding tools that can help parents make that all important match. Coram’s adoption activity days are an opportunity for approved adopters to meet and engage with children awaiting adoption. It’s a friendly environment with plenty of fun activities such as arts and crafts, games and sports and enables everyone to see if there’s a connection.

Many prospective adopters have told us that attending an activity day has encouraged them to consider children they may not have considered on paper.

Adopters experience of activity days

Nancy, who adopted her son after meeting him at an activity day, said: “If you just read a child’s paperwork, you don’t really get a sense of who they are. For children with disabilities, it’s easy to focus on the disability and not see the child.”

Another adopter, Ian, said: “The days are such a great chance to get to meet the ‘real’ child behind the official reports and for you to think outside the box.” He added that the events are “really opening up people minds and giving these children the chance to find a family and for people to see the children are actually ‘children’!”

A huge effort goes into preparing the social workers, foster carers, children and prospective adopters involved. Adrian, who met his son at an activity day, recalls: “At the activity days, we quickly learned that all people involved were there to not just support the possible match between adopters and children, but also to give advice, encouragement, cry with you and share experiences. Meeting our son during an activity day made all the difference during the matching process”.

Activities

The activities at the events are designed to bring the children’s personalities to life and to see how well they connect with adopters. Rosie and Christian, who adopted older siblings after meeting them at an activity day, said: “It was great to be able to interact with them in different ways, to have a game of Connect 4 followed by some painting and drawing. This enabled us to learn more about the children’s interests as well as seeing what they were like in different environments.”

The activity days are also a chance for children to participate in their own family finding and give them a say in whether a potential match might be right for them. Charlotte, who adopted siblings said: “They often tell us that they chose us and not the other way around. We’re extremely happy that they are so positive about this and that they feel they had a huge say in where they would spend their future years.”

Effective method of matching

Adoption activity days are increasingly seen by social workers as a proven and established method of matching adoptive parents with children awaiting adoption when more traditional means of profiling have been unsuccessful. One Regional Adoption Agency noted that an activity day “was more successful than any matching” they had done before and were progressing with matches for 30% of children who attended.

As well as helping prospective adopters to establish whether there could be a potential match, activity days are also helping to boost a child’s chance to find the loving permanent home they deserve.

Nancy, who first met her son at an activity day, spoke of the instant connection she felt: “I just looked at him and thought ‘he’s my son’. Our paths crossed that day and I have the activity day to thank for that.”

Find out more about Coram Adoption Activity Days here.

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Of all the parts of the adoption process, matching worried me the most. I couldn’t get my head round how our social worker would be able to pick a child that fitted our family. How could she?  She’s wasn’t us. She’d spent a fair bit of time with us. But how did that mean she’d know a child would be a good match to us?

The way our agency did matching with our eldest meant we had no involvement at all. Our social worker looked at all the children waiting to be matched with our agency to see if she thought any were suitable. She regularly gave us snippets of information about children she felt weren’t suitable.

The only profile we read was our daughter’s. By that point we’d been waiting 10 very long months to be matched. I’d just about given up hope of it ever happening for us. It was very frustrating not being involved. Actually though, I’m not sure I’d have coped reading lots of profiles and deciding which one to proceed with.

In the end our social worker got it spot on. I wrote this blog a few years ago about our matching journey. Our daughter is our perfect match. It still blows my mind how it happened.

How it’s done now

Matching has changed a lot since we found out about our eldest in 2014. There are a lot more tools used by adoption agencies. Also, agencies tend to be bigger as local authorities have amalgamated to form regional agencies. When we were matched, our agency was small and covered the area we lived in. Regional agencies mean there’s a bigger pool of children.

Some agencies do matching how ours did. Your social worker or family finder look at the profiles of children. You only find out about them when it looks like it’s a good match. By the time we found out about our daughter, her social worker knew about us and agreed we were a good match. So all of those boxes had been ticked and it was down to us to say if we wanted to proceed. This definitely removed a lot of the stress from the process once we found out about our daughter.

Another way matching is done gives adopters a lot more control. You’re given several profiles to read and are encouraged to register with sites like Link Maker which has profiles of children waiting. You can express an interest and the child’s social worker will contact you if they think you may be a good match.

Some agencies have adoption activity days like the ones Coram hold. These are events where adopters can meet children waiting to be matched. They’re often used for children who’ve been waiting for a long time. It gives adopters the chance to see beyond the words in a report and actually get to know a child. It also gives the older children in particular, the chance to feel involved in the process.

Sometimes the family finder thinks there’s more than one adopter that’s a good match for the child. If that happens, they’ll visit everyone and see what they have to offer the child. They’ll then make a decision as to who is the best match and proceed with that adopter. This is called competitive matching. I’m not sure it’s something I would have coped with very well.

When does adoption matching start?

Matching usually starts properly once you’re approved. However, your social worker will probably start looking towards the end of Stage Two. If they become aware of a child (or children) that may be a good match, a link could be made before approval panel. If that is the case, it may be that both approval and matching Panel is done on the same day to avoid any delay for the child.

Once you, your social worker and the child’s social worker have agreed to proceed, meetings are arranged with the other people involved in the child’s care. That will be foster carer, medical adviser and any other medial professionals involved, and depending on age, school.

Depending on the age of the child, there may be a bump in meeting with the child. This may be somewhere like soft play or the park. It’s an informal meeting so you can see your child in the flesh.

Adoption matching Panel

A match needs to be approved by the child’s agency’s adoption Panel. If your match is out of your area, you may have some distance to travel for Panel (although this may now be done virtually) and then introductions. As with approval, a matching report is submitted ahead of the panel date so that the members will have read it before you go in.

Members will ask you questions like they did at approval Panel. They’ll want to know why you think the match is right for you. I think that’s quite a difficult questions to answer. We knew when we read our eldest’s report that she was our daughter. Our response to that questions was along those lines.

You’ll probably be asked other things like what preparations you’ve made, who’s going to take adoption leave and for how long and where you’ll go for support.

Things to take to Panel

It’s a good idea to create some kind of photo book of immediate family and your child’s new room. We also had A4 photos of us laminated so the foster carer could put them up around their home. We slept with a toy and snuggle blanket for a few days before panel so that they had our smell on them.

All of these things were taken to panel and given to our daughter’s social worker once the match was approved. She then took them to the foster carer who started to use them to prepare our daughter for meeting us. Knowing what we looked and smelled like definitely helped both children feel at ease with us.

The kinds of things you do will depend on the age of your child. Our daughters were only nine five months, so we made the photo books out of fabric so it was safe for her to play with on her own.

Introductions or transitions usually start a couple of weeks after Panel once the agency’s decision maker has approved the match.

If you’d like to read about adoption introductions, click here.

Introduce yourself and your family

We’re a couple in our 40’s, parents to a 22 month old little boy.

At what point in the process did matching / family finding start?

Our social worker showed us a couple of profiles pre-approval Panel, towards the end of stage Two. Neither of these were right for us. Our social worker then brought about six profiles to approval Panel which we looked at afterwards. Our boy was one of them.

How did it work? Did your social worker do all of the looking or did you get involved in that part?

Our social worker did the searching for us. Our agency had a three month limit searching within our region before we could extend the search, for example via Link Maker

Did you attend any events such as adoption activity days?  If so, what were they like?

We were invited to one pre-approval but we were on holiday.

How many profiles did you read?

Around 10 profiles and five CPR’s.

What was the hardest part about this part of the process?

There were a few things. For me it was the emotional impact of reading about these children, and also their birth parents. They had often had tough and unpleasant upbringings or circumstances themselves and I had a lot of empathy for them.

Having to turn down certain potential matches because they weren’t right for you, nor you for them. That felt rubbish although necessary.

We found the lack of information frustrating at times and really had to push for more detail sometimes. There was a worry that something was being withheld and a fear of ‘getting it wrong’. It felt like a huge amount of pressure with so much riding on it.

We were shown a profile (before we found out about our son) that our social worker thought was a great match for us. Although it met our ‘criteria’ it just didn’t feel right at all. I found it particularly hard to convey exactly why. It was almost a gut feeling but one I’m glad we listened to.

How long did it take to find your match?

Our son’s profile was one of the ones we saw on the day of approval Panel. We requested his CPR for full information the next day. We went ahead as it felt right after we got further information and an updated medical for him.

What age and number of children were you matched with? Was this the same as you expected or did it change when you started looking?

One child aged 15 months at the time. Yes, we’d stated one child aged between 0-3.

What happened once you were linked?  Who did you meet to find out about your child?

We met his social worker, his family finding social worker, his foster carer, the medical advisor. We had a ‘bump into’ with him around a month before matching Panel.

How long was it between being linked and matching Panel?

Around six weeks.

At what stage did you start preparing your child’s room and buying items for them?

We had the room decorated neutrally just after approval Panel (we went on holiday first!). We were quite cautious and didn’t buy anything else until we saw our son’s CPR and it started to feel like a real possibility. It was after the meeting with his social worker that we really started buying things. We were linked pretty much immediately after the meeting

Our families helped to build furniture etc so it was a nice experience and not too rushed!

How did you prepare for matching Panel? 

We put together a talking photo album (one where you can record your voices on each page/photo). We put pictures of the entire house (it’s not big so wasn’t a problem!) garden and local amenities we would use with him, such as our local park. I decorated it with lots of colourful stickers and backed each photo in bright colours to make it attractive to him.

We also bought a musical teddy – he loves anything musical! The teddy slept with us for over a week so it had our smell. We gave that to his foster carer after matching Panel.

What happened at matching Panel?

The Panel was around 12 people. We were asked about 8 questions, more than we were expecting actually! It was nerve wracking but everyone was very nice. We really got a feeling that they were on our side and wanted us to be successful. I cried at one point, talking about why him and what we were looking forward to. It just came over me but it’s very normal of course.

We got a unanimous yes and our introduction plan was made.

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Introduce yourself and your family.

I’m Suzy and live with my husband and our two daughters who are eight and four. They are full siblings. 

At what point in the process did matching start? 

After approval. We were approved in September 2013. I was convinced our social worker would have a profile for us on her first visit after Panel and that our little one would be home for Christmas. She didn’t and we were in for a long wait. 

How did it work? Did your social worker do all of the looking or did you get involved in that part?

We played no part in the matching process at all. Our social worker did all the looking. She said at the start that she would only bring us a profile when she thought it was a match.

At the time, I found it extremely difficult not to have any part in the process. I couldn’t understand how our social worker would know that a child was right for us. Surely we were the only ones who could assess that?

She came out regularly and gave us snippets of information about children she’s looked at. And then told us why they weren’t suitable. It turned out that one of those children she mentioned early on was our daughter.

As the months went on, I found it harder and harder to not be involved. We asked that she spread the net wider than just the children from our agency. We also registered with Link Maker which I found really tough. I realised then that not being part of the search was probably a good thing. I tried to convince myself we could cope with all sorts of things because I felt so bad that there were so many children on there waiting to be matched.

Did you attend any events such as adoption activity days?  If so, what were they like?

No we didn’t. At that time our agency didn’t do them.

How many profiles did you read?

The only profile we read was our daughter’s. As I’ve said, our social worker gave us snippets of information about other children, but the only profile she showed us was of the child she thought was the right match.

I’ll never forget reading it. She’d emailed the day before to say she wanted to come and talk to us about a child. After such a long wait, I was terrified. Terrified that it wouldn’t feel right for one of us, or neither of us.

In the end, when she started talking about the little girl, I knew she was our daughter. When I started to read her profile, I felt a connection. I know that doesn’t happen for everyone, so I feel very lucky that it happened that way for us. It took me a long time to love her, but I felt a connection straight away.

We didn’t see her photograph until we said we wanted to proceed with the link. I phoned our social worker the next day and went in to meet her that day to sign some forms and get a photograph. It probably sounds odd but I didn’t want to look at it. I think I still expected our social worker to say there’d been a mistake so not seeing her picture would make that easier to cope with.

What was the hardest part about matching?

By far the length of the wait. It was the uncertainty of the length of time it was going to take that really got to me. If we’d known at the start it would be 10 months, we could’ve planned how to keep ourselves occupied. It felt like our lives were in limbo and we couldn’t plan or do anything. One of my best friends was due to get married in the June following approval. We had to say in the February whether we were going to the day time as well as the night time. I found that really tough because we just didn’t know. I hoped we wouldn’t be able to go because we’d been matched.

In the end we tried our best to do things like going out for tea and weekends away as we knew they would be more difficult once we had a little one. We also managed to sneak in a final, final holiday in the sun. I spent a lot of time sitting in little one’s bedroom because being in there helped me feel like it was going to happen. I knew it was, but the longer we waited, the harder it was to believe that. 

A few weeks before we found out about our daughter, I found things really tough. We’d just found out that the final hearing for a little one our social worker was going to link us with, had been postponed. A family member had come forward on the day of the final hearing and (rightly so) the court had decided they should be assessed.

We didn’t know anything about the child until the hearing had been postponed. Even then our social worker didn’t tell us any details. I was devastated and felt like it was never going to happen. I knew it was the right that the hearing was postponed because if there was a chance the child could stay with their birth family, that had to be explored. But it was really hard for us.

It makes me really emotional thinking about that time. We found out about our daughter a couple of weeks later. If the final hearing hadn’t been put off, we would have been linked to the first little one and would never have met our daughters. That thought terrifies me.

I found out later that it was a little boy who we were going to be linked with. It turned out that the relative wasn’t suitable so final orders were made not long after that.

How long did it take to find your match?

10 very long months!

What age and number of children were you matched with? Was this the same as you expected or did it change when you started looking?

We were approved for one child up to the age of two. We were matched with our daughter when she was six months old.

What happened once you were linked?  Who did you meet to find out about your child?

We met her social worker quite soon after we said we wanted to proceed. She came to our house and had a quick look round. I remember feeling a bit of an anti-climax as I thought we’d find out a lot about our daughter and that she’d want to grill us about why we thought we were the right match for her. But there was none of that. It was quite a quick meeting. She said she had everything she needed about us from our social worker and asked us if we had any questions.

We met her foster carer about a week after that and we got a lot more from that meeting than we had from the social worker. Foster mum really brought our daughter to life. Although she must have thought we were mad because all of the questions we asked were about nappy sizes and what she liked to eat. We completely forgot to ask what our daughter was actually like! Luckily our social worker did ask about her which led to a lovely conversation.

We then had quite a long wait before we could meet the medical adviser. It was the start of the summer holidays when we found out about our daughter, and the medical adviser was on leave for the full six weeks. She gave us quite a lot of information about some of the concerns there’d been following our daughter’s birth.

As I said before, our social worker had given us a snippet of information about our daughter not long after she’d been born. There’d been concerns about the size of her head and so some tests were going to be done. We found out about her following her six month check which showed there were no concerns and the size of her head was put down to a family trait.

It does make me sad to think we could have met our daughter sooner. We found out later that her social worker had tried to match her before the six month check. She’d even been to a matching event, but everyone who enquired about her was worried about her head size. It’s something that didn’t bother us. Our social worker had been told early on that matching wouldn’t happen until after the tests had been done, so she didn’t take it any further at that stage. She only saw her photograph later by chance and couldn’t believe there’d been issues about her head. 

How long was it between being linked and matching Panel?

It ended up being about 10 weeks due to school holidays and then our social worker being out of the country for the September Panel. In the end an extra Panel was convened. We found out about her at the end of July and went to Panel 1st October. 

At what stage did you start preparing your child’s room and buying items for them?

We actually started decorating the nursery before we were approved. We decorated it in neutral colours and not with any particular age in mind. It helped me feel like I was going to be a mum by starting to get prepared.

We bought a cot bed and pushchair not long after approval. I bought a couple of things like bibs and some toys at about the same time, but didn’t buy anything else until we found out about our daughter.

I originally wanted to wait until panel before we bought anything specifically for her, because I was terrified it was all going to fall through. But once we met her social worker and foster carer, I couldn’t wait! I remember thinking I’d regret not enjoying the time of nesting and buying things, more than I’d wish that I hadn’t bought anything if it all fell through.

How did you prepare for matching Panel? 

Our daughter was just under nine months at matching Panel. My mum made a fabric photo book of us and immediate family. It being fabric meant it was safe for our daughter to play with on her own. We got A4 photos of us and her room laminated so the foster carers could put them up around their home. We slept with a cuddly toy and blanket for a few weeks before panel so they had our smell on them.

Everything was handed over to our daughter’s social worker at Panel for her to pass on to the foster carer. Panel were very impressed with the fabric photo book which my mum was really chuffed about.

What happened at matching Panel?

Ours and our daughter’s social workers went in first. It felt like they were in for ages. Our social worker then came out to get us. Once we were sat down, the panel chairman told us that they were delighted to approve the match. But he then went on to invite questions from the panel which made us more nervous answering the questions. I was worried we’d mess up the answers and they’d say they were reversing their decision.

We were asked the usual things like why were we the right match for this child? I think that’s actually quite difficult to answer and put into words. For us it was a feeling and a connection which is what we said.  They also wanted to know about adoption leave. Which one of us was going to take it, how long we intended to take and how we were going to fund it. Panel then wanted to look at the things we’d brought for the foster carer to look at.

It felt like we were in and out very quickly, but I think the whole thing probably took about an hour. We then had a meeting with our social worker and got the introductions plan. Panel was on a Wednesday and intros were due to start the following Thursday. As there’d been a delay getting to Panel, everyone wanted intros to start asap.

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