Was a support plan agreed as part of matching or when your children were placed?

We have two girls (sisters) and as far as I remember, there was no support plan as part of matching/placement.

How long after your children had been home, did you realise you needed some extra support?

We realised within the first month that we’d need help and extra support.  We were led to believe that both children were happy little girls and showed no signs of trauma or any other behavioural or emotional issues. 

But it became apparent quickly that something wasn’t right with our eldest.  She was wild, spent a lot of time on her head, threw massive tantrums which we were unable to bring her out of, and night times were so troubling and disturbing.

Who did you contact to obtain help?

We rang our adoption agency (ARC Adoption). One of the main reasons we chose ARC as our agency was because they offered support at every stage of the process – both during and post-adoption. Our social worker during the adoption process had left the LA and we’d never met our new one so we felt more confident contacting ARC.

Did you get a quick response?

Immediately. As in as soon as I called, they put me through to a post-adoption support worker.

What happened next?

Within the week we were speaking with a clinical psychologist who worked with ARC to help us try and understand our eldest’s behaviour and how best to parent her.  We then had regular visits from a post-adoption support worker and a family support worker.

Did you feel like your concerns were taken seriously?

Absolutely. They were taken extremely seriously. They could see how rock bottom we were and how much we wanted to help our eldest.  I really don’t know where we’d be right now if hadn’t had the support of ARC.

What type of support were you offered?

Initially, we did some work with ARC using theraplay. This carried on for around six to eight weekly sessions.  During this time, we were told about Nurturing Families, an independent service that provides therapeutic interventions and support, particularly with children in adoptive placements.

Once we read more about them and met with one of the practitioners, we knew it was something that we wanted to try.  ARC contacted our social worker and a meeting was held with our social worker, Nurturing Families, and me.  Our social worker supported the actions and completed a request to access the Adoption Support Fund (ASF).

Was there a waiting list or did you start quite quickly?

We started therapy within the month, continuing with the support from ARC in the interim.

Once the support started, did it help in the way you needed it to?

The support was given to me and my partner only for the first eight months.  It was felt that we needed a lot of information, a change of direction in our parenting, and general support to make us feel confident as parents.  We really were rock bottom and felt utterly useless as parents.

The support we received was amazing. Our therapist built us up and gave us the confidence to take on therapeutic parenting.  After around a year the therapy moved to include our eldest.  Unfortunately, we only managed a couple of months of this therapy before COVID hit, and sessions had to stop. I continued parenting sessions with Nurturing Families during lockdown via Zoom.

Is the support ongoing or was it for a specific number of sessions or period of time?

The support is ongoing.  We have accessed the ASF twice, and a new application has recently gone in for further funding for the coming year.

What would your advice be to anyone nervous about asking for support?

My advice would be for any prospective adopter to do a lot of research about post-adoption support with the agency they’re considering, before signing up.  ARC seemed by far the best agency for us when we did our research.  We didn’t think we’d ever need post-adoption support, but knowing it was there was peace of mind.

If you need help, then don’t ever feel afraid or embarrassed to ask for it.  We felt like complete failures having to ask for help, but our agency was amazing.

Absolutely every adoptive parent will have felt like they needed help at some point. You are never alone in your thoughts! I’m aware that many adopters don’t have the experience we’ve had and that upsets and worries me.  It shouldn’t be like that. Adopters should be offered whatever they need to aid their parenting.

If you enjoyed reading this article, why not buy me a coffee to help keep the magazine free for everyone to read? If you’d like to read more articles about adoption, parenting health and well-being, and eco-swaps, head over to the home page and have a look at what’s new.

I thought it would be helpful to read about other adopters’ experiences of accessing post-adoption support. The good and the bad. And any tips for making it an easier process.

This interview with Christina was first published in 2021 where she shares the support she and her family have accessed. You can read all about her journey to meeting her beautiful and inspiring daughter J, here. J has complex disabilities as a result of her early life experiences.

Was a support plan agreed as part of matching / when your child was placed?

No is the simple answer to this. We were young and naïve in regards to the process, completely unaware of our rights and what we could request. Despite reading in document after document that our daughter was at high risk of placement breakdown throughout her life and had complex and challenging needs, there was no support or long-term plan put in place for us as a family.

Instead, time after time we nervously await the government’s announcement regarding the Adoption Support Fund (ASF) and wonder where it will leave us if this fund ever gets stopped.

How long after your child had been home, did you realise you needed some extra support?

It was the social worker who first offered us access to support. She had come across a leaflet about a local adoption charity who were holding a sensory integration event by Sarah Lloyd. We attended this course and Sarah Lloyd and the occupational therapists from the charity recommended that we request some sensory integration therapy. We actually accessed the adoption support fund twice before we even had our court order.

About a year later, during what I can only describe as the worst summer holidays we’ve experienced, everything got too much. I put my pride behind me and we asked for support.

Who did you contact to obtain help?

I contacted our social worker who had taken us through the adoption process. She was always at the end of the phone to talk so I thought she was the best person to start with.

Did you get a quick response?

The response did take a little longer than I expected, considering I was crying out for help. I was called back after about two weeks. My social worker explained that she had been on annual leave and they felt it was important for her to pick up with us due to our daughters’ complex history and needs. It would’ve helped us greatly if this had been communicated to us.

What happened next?

Our social worker arranged to visit us. We had moved two hours away from where we originally lived due to the financial implications of my being unable to return to work, and the extra costs around having a child with complex needs. We moved to an area that was more affordable for us. This did not phase our social worker and she very quickly hopped on a train to meet us.

It was very informal. She talked through our struggles and what we were looking for. She asked to visit the school to look around and spent a few minutes saying hello to our daughter. She very quickly applied to the ASF for a trauma and developmental assessment which took place in a timely manner.

Did you feel like your concerns were taken seriously? If not, did you stick with that organisation or did you go somewhere else?

I was worried, as most parents would, that our daughter’s behaviour and struggles would be brushed off. That they would say we were bad parents or that her needs were normal for a child her age. But I was completely wrong.

The organisation that carried out the trauma and developmental assessment was AMAZING! They could not have been more understanding. They were so reassuring and understanding. When we received the written report, they just got everything. Nothing was missed.

From the small snippets of her life they’d seen, they were able to confirm that the behaviour we experienced was a result of her long-term childhood trauma. They diagnosed attachment disorder, complex developmental trauma, PTSD, and severe disassociation. But best of all, they put a plan together. We couldn’t have asked for any more.

It was like a massive weight had been lifted. We want our daughter to have as near normal childhood and adulthood as possible and this could really help.

What type of support were you offered?

As a result of the trauma and developmental assessment, we were advised to start long-term intense Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy (DDP). This currently happens weekly over Zoom due to the pandemic.

We were not very optimistic about therapy via Zoom but we knew we had to give it a try. Although we know it is a long, slow process, there have been some slight improvements already in our attachment in the few months we’ve been attending.

Was there a waiting list or did you start quite quickly?

There were a couple of months wait for the trauma and developmental assessment, but the DDP therapy started very quickly.

Once the support started, did it help in the way you needed it to?

The sensory therapy was positive. We’ve just had six months off where we have continued to do the therapy home-based and we are now applying to restart another block of sensory integration therapy.

The DDP therapy is a long slow process and we’re prepared to be in this for the long haul. But we’re excited by the results so far. We know that there is no magic wand that can be waved but anything that can help our daughter process her trauma and form better attachments to us is a win.

Is the support ongoing or was it for a specific number of sessions or period?

The sensory therapy was once a month for a block of six months. It was then recommended by the therapist that we take six months off and go back again for another six months. Now we are trying to get this funded again but it is proving more difficult.

The DDP therapy takes up all of the ASF money. The placing LA has already had to match fund quite a substantial amount of money last year and we are asking them to do this again for this coming year.

The DDP therapy is ongoing which is every week for 1-1.5 hours for the foreseeable future. It is reviewed every year to check on the progress and that it is still the appropriate therapy.

What would your advice be to anyone nervous about asking for support?

Please don’t be nervous. Put your pride behind you and ask for help. Once I got past asking for the first time, there was no stopping me. I will fight to get my daughter absolutely anything she needs. I am a social worker’s worst nightmare! I always think back to our matching panel, where I promised I would do everything within my power to advocate for this little girl. So that’s exactly what I will do.

I honestly believe that the therapy our daughter is currently receiving should have been started a long time ago. I think it’s so important for social workers to start looking into the therapies they believe a child may require when with their forever family, early on, rather than waiting for a family to be in crisis.

There have been times when social workers felt the support I was asking for wasn’t right for my daughter. Or they’ve questioned her diagnosis of FASD or told me I would never receive the FASD diagnosis. But you know what is best for your child. They are your child, and you deserve every bit of support that is available to you.

Without the diagnoses we currently have, we would be unable to attend some of the groups we attend. We’ve managed to get an EHCP with full-time 1-1 support all day at school. Now we can understand our daughters’ brain better and parent her better.

Whether you need to ask for help on week one or year 10, this does not by any means make you a failure. It makes you one amazing person for asking for help.

Head over to the post-adoption support section to find out more about what it is and how to access it.

Lifelong support for adopted children and their families

Yorkshire Adoption Agency recognises that for many families, the placement of a child is just the start of another stage of a family’s journey. Therefore, following the making of an Adoption Order, the Agency maintains contact until the child is 18.

The Agency has worked hard to develop the training and support they offer. This includes an extended programme of post-placement training for adoptive parents and a range of individual therapeutic packages.

Inspired by new research and the difficulties some adoptive parents report in accessing post-adoption support, we are training staff as therapeutic practitioners allowing us to deliver therapeutic support packages to our families, and externally, on a commissioned basis.

Training for adopters

Integral to this, our new training package for adopters which is both pre and post-placement, is our REAL (Resilient, Empathetic, Accepting, Loving) parenting model.

REAL adoptive parenting is the Agency’s unique approach. The model focuses on the importance of adopters developing resilience. We believe the emotional resilience of adopters is key to the long-term success of adoptive placements.

Adopters attend a three-day course focusing on the need for parents to develop resilience through self-care and the development of an informed support network. The course explores the impact of trauma, loss, and identity not only in the context of social work theories such as attachment but by encouraging our adopters to draw on their own life experiences. It encompasses not only our in-house approach but also considers the principles of Theraplay, Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy, and PACE.

The course also includes a ‘hands-on’ workshop, allowing adopters to practice their new skills.

Family and Friends service

We also offer training to our families support networks through our ‘Family and Friends’ service.

All this makes a real difference in helping children grow and thrive, and supports parents in meeting their children’s needs day by day and into the future.

The Agency is committed to the co-production of adoption support services with our families as we believe this is the best way to ensure our services meet their needs.

Our adopters have opted to develop an informal peer support network with a focus on building friendships and providing a “listening ear”, support and reassurance from the perspective of successful adopters. This service is also open to the friends and family of adopters to support the creation of an “adoption-friendly” environment. Our adopters tell us that this offer reinforces our vision of being members of a ‘small community extended family’ network of support.

Building on the success of our activities throughout 2019 (some of which are photographed below),

Pumpkin & Lantern party: Our Pumpkin & Lantern party took place on 26.10.19. The artwork produced by our children is amazing and is displayed throughout the building.

Christmas Party: The Agency Christmas party took place on 30.11.19.

Head over to Yorkshire Adoption’s website to find out about their support services, get in touch via email, or visit their Facebook page.

Our social worker drummed into us early on that it was vital we made sure there was an appropriate support package in place if our child required extra help. Knowing this and being able to put it into practice can be too very different things though. The families who completed the Q & A’s I’ve recently published about post adoption support, are probably typical of a lot of adopters. Christina and her husband knew their daughter had complex and challenging needs as a result of her early life experiences, but there was no support package in place prior to the adoption order being granted.

Ideally, social workers will help you work out the kind of help and support you need. But it can be really daunting asking for it soon after placement if issues come up that are new. I think it’s natural to think that we’ll be seen as not being able to cope if we ask for help. Any new parent would think that. But when you’ve become a parent via adoption, there’s a whole different level of expectation. We often feel like we’re under the microscope, with our every move being scrutinised. The reality often isn’t anywhere close to that, but that’s how it can feel.

So I do think there’s a tendency for adopters to think everything will be ok. That, coupled with not always knowing early on what the issues are, often means there isn’t a support package in place at placement. And then it starts to feel really hard to ask for help.

I can remember feeling really embarrassed asking more or less from the start with youngest, whether there’d be scope for financial help. We hadn’t planned to adopt again and had spent a lot of money on our house and garden. That meant we didn’t have any savings to fund me taking longer than my paid six months adoption leave. And it also meant we’d struggle with nursery fees. But I remembered what our social worker had said, and so I asked. We asked for nursery funding equivalent to the two year funding, until she qualified for it. The response was yes. Straight away.

My embarrassment quickly turned to frustration. Why hadn’t we been told that this type of support was available, rather than having to ask for it? And I think that’s the crux of the issue. Help and support often is available from the start. But we feel that we shouldn’t be asking, or we don’t know what it is we need.

So, what type of help and support is available? And when can it be accessed?

Ideally, any support package should have been identified by the social workers and you, before matching panel. If your child is already receiving therapy or a particular type of treatment, you should know about it from their report. If they have a known health issue that requires ongoing treatment, that’ll be in there too. In those circumstances, it’s perhaps easier to know what to ask for. How long will the treatment continue? Who will provide it and fund it? What happens when it stops? What is the longer term plan for treatment? If it’s specialist help and not NHS provided, who funds it?

That information can then be included in the matching report. And if it isn’t, you need to ask for it to go in. It’s then clear for everyone what’s expected and how it will happen. The funding for youngest’s nursery place was including in our matching report. I sent a copy of the report with our request for funding to start at the appropriate time, and it wasn’t an issue.

If it’s clear that extra support is needed once your child is home, make sure it’s in place before you apply for the adoption order. It’s easier to access support if your child is looked after (which they are until the adoption order is granted) as opposed to adopted, particularly if it’s something that can be provided in-house by the local authority. The temptation is to apply for the order as soon as you can. But if there are issues, that may not be the best option. Again, you want the support to be in writing with a clear plan as to what it is, how long it lasts for, how you access it again if needs be, and who funds it.

If the support that’s needed can’t be provided by the local authority, it may be appropriate for an application to be made to the Adoption Support Fund (ASF). Adoption UK have a lot of information about the fund on their website which you can access here.

In an ideal world, adopters would be told about all of the help and support that’s available, as soon as they’re linked to a child. But it doesn’t happen that way very often. The next best thing is knowing where to ask for help. And if the help isn’t forthcoming, to keep asking until it’s provided. If you’d like to share your experience of adoption support, whether it’s pre or post adoption order, please get in touch.