Hi my names Chris and I live with my partner Ricky and our newly adopted five year old little boy. You can follow our journey on Instagram @gay_dad_of_1 or my blog . I’ve also written a book about our journey to meet our son which is available from Amazon.

What area of the UK do you live in?

We love in West London

Was your agency a local authority or voluntary agency?

We went through our local authority at the time this was Greenwich, but we were matched through Coram.

Did you read any adoption stories before you started? If so where? (eg blog, Instagram, books)

Whilst going through the process we used social media such as Instagram but really struggled to find anything that showed couples going through the process. We heard about a group called “New Family Social” during the process from another same sex couple. They hold meet ups around the country and luckily for us there was one that happened a five minute drive from us. The group is aimed at LBGTQ+ couples and single adopters.

What was your biggest worry before you started?

For me it was my struggles with anxiety and trying to stay calm and collected through the process which is completely impossible!! Knowing that my struggles with anxiety were on my medical notes which our social worker was aware of, made me even more worried in case I came across as anxious.

How long did the process take from the point of deciding you wanted to adopt to your child(ren) coming home?

For us because we decided to move (after being told that our apartment was too small for three of us in Stage One) which was an absolute nightmare and added an extra year or so to the process. We started in October 2015 and our little boy came home in January 2019.

What age and number of children were you approved for? Were you matched to a different age or number of children to this?

We were approved for a boy aged two through to five years of age. We were matched in that age range.

How did the matching process work? Did you look at lots of profiles?

We were matched with a little boy from our LA. Unfortunately, he wasn’t the boy for us and our LA didn’t really listen to what we were wanting.

We signed up with LinkMaker in May 2018 and looked at a few profiles and sent messages of interest to the child’s social workers through the site.  We looked at a lot of profiles but only sent messages to maybe four social workers.

The family finding social worker of our little boy reached out to us in September 2018. We fell in love with his profile straight away and responded that we would like to proceed.

Lots of messages that we weren’t included in, were being passed between social workers which was stressful as we couldn’t see anything that was being said or what documents were being shared. A few weeks later our social worker emailed us saying that the child’s social workers would like some more information from us and sent us 10 questions they had asked.

Then the following month they said that they would like to come and see us – this is when I started to feel that things were starting to get real!!

When they came to visit, the family finding social worker (who was the one who had reached out to us) and his social worker as well as our social worker were all there. They talked us through his family and medical history and why he needed to be placed for adoption etc.

They gave us the chance to also ask them questions about him. Then they asked us additional questions, which were more focussed on the 10 they had asked plus things like how we will manage childcare when we both return to work.

Just before the meeting finished his social worker looked around the house and then said that they would think about the information we have given them today and would decide about whether or not to proceed with the match in the next couple of days. We would also need to let them know whether we wanted to proceed as well.

Ricky and I had already made our decision, which was naturally a yes! We informed our social worker the following day, we thought it best to give it a bit of time before announcing our answer.

At the end of the following day our social worker called us to say that we had been matched and that they wanted to proceed with us. We were told that the next step would be what they call a ‘Child Appreciation Day’, where you meet with the agency’s medical advisor, the child’s school team and then the foster carers.

This was a super busy day, we left the foster carers home completely exhausted both emotionally and physically, but it was all completely worth it.

We had the panel in December 2018 and then the introductions started the week after New Year. We spent a week visiting our little boy daily for five days, then he came down and visited us for the same amount of time before he moved in.

Each LA or agency has its own different processes so no two agencies are ever the same.

What has been the most difficult part about the process?

For us I think it’s completely individual. So just before panel our little boy’s LA went through a complete department staffing shuffle. That meant he ended up with a new social worker, yet his old social worker remained in the frame until moving in day which made things very confusing. But also, we didn’t really get to know her until the first visit she did after he moved in.

The other most difficult thing for me was not realising how lonely and isolating being the stay at home parent is. A lot happened in the first few months where he got quite sick just before starting school, so this delayed our bonding.

But also, when he was at school, I felt super alone. Everyone in my support network who lived close by worked Monday to Friday 9-5. I felt very isolated, so this was very difficult to overcome. I’m now struggling being apart from him now I’m back to work!!

Have you needed to access additional help and support from your agency since your child came home?  If so, what and did it meet your needs?

We got some help from his agency to help us deal with his nightmares as I didn’t know how to talk about them with him. Unfortunately, this wasn’t very helpful.

I had also asked his agency for some play therapy to help him work through his emotions, but they said they didn’t feel this was needed. However, his school were very helpful with this and arranged it, so he now gets weekly play therapy in school.

Ricky and I also are working with a psychologist to help us better in terms of helping our little boy through his trauma as more and more things are becoming clearer about what he has been through.

What has been your best memory since your child came home?

Quite simply just being a dad and having our little family complete.

If you could go back and have a conversation with yourself about the process before you started, what would you tell yourself?

To be honest, nothing can prepare you for the journey, so I probably wouldn’t change anything other than making sure I communicate more with my partner through this.

First published October 2019

Introduce yourself and your family

I’m Mrs Reed Warbler. Me and my wife (The Other Mrs Reed Warbler) adopted Little Chick in 2018. He is now four and has recently started school. We share our home with our two dogs and enjoy being outdoors.

I primarily use online pseudonyms to protect our child. Anonymously blogging and commenting also makes it easier for me to be honest and open about my own experiences and opinions (but it does not give me license to ignore or attack the voices of others). You can follow our journey on the blog, on Instagram or Twitter

What area of the UK do you live in?

We live in Derbyshire, amongst its rolling hills and deep valleys. It is a glorious place to live, though we do wish we were closer to the seaside.

Was your agency a local authority or voluntary agency?

We adopted through our local authority, Derbyshire County Council (which has since joined with Derby City Council, Nottinghamshire County Council, and Nottingham City Council as part of Adoption East Midlands).

Did you read any adoption stories before you started? If so where? (e.g. blog, Instagram, books)

We read as much as we could while we were being approved and then waiting to be matched. Since everything felt quite detached and theoretical at that stage, we found that books by adopters were the most useful.

Sally Donovan’s books – No Matter What and The Unofficial Guide to Adoptive Parenting – were amongst the easiest to read and share. Sarah Naish’s books helped us better understand therapeutic parenting and But He Looks So Normal!: A Bad-Tempered Parenting Guide for Adopters and Foster Parents made me laugh out loud.

We also researched conditions or topics that were mentioned in the training, such as attachment, trauma, and FASD (Foetal alcohol spectrum disorder). These helped us better understand the needs of adopted children and consider what we had to offer children.

Twitter was – and is – a valuable tool for connecting with other adopters and adoptees, but there are security issues to consider. I regularly reassess if I should be using social media as an adopter (even anonymously) and sometimes take a short break.

What was your biggest worry before you started?

That I wouldn’t be good enough. That he wouldn’t like me. That I would get everything wrong. Once I realised that this was less about me and more about him, I relaxed. And when I relaxed, I was able to parent therapeutically. I became good enough. He does (mostly) like me. I still get lots of things wrong but that’s just parenting.

How long did the process take from the point of deciding you wanted to adopt to your child(ren) coming home?

It took us over four years, but we know that this is not typical. We first considered adoption in December 2013 and registered our interest with Derbyshire County Council the following month. We took a little longer than normal to be approved, taking almost a year (instead of the six months they thought it would be). We were approved in December 2014. Little Chick came to live with us in February 2018, after three (and a bit) years of family finding.

What age and number of children were you approved for? Were you matched to a different age or number of children from this?

We were approved for children (but a number was not specified) of any age. Initially we thought we might be a good match for a single preschool boy. Once approved we were more open to who we might be a good match for and considered siblings and older children. Ultimately, we were matched with a single preschool boy, but I think it was important for us to consider what we had to offer children and remember that adoption is about finding a family for children not children for a family.

How did the matching process work? Did you look at lots of profiles?

Once we were approved, we promised Derbyshire that we would wait at least three months for a match ‘in house’. We realised that there were advantages of being matched through our local authority, including continuity, geographical closeness, and ongoing support. When we weren’t matched within six months we began working with other authorities (both local and voluntary). Neighbouring agencies attended family finding events hosted by Derbyshire so we began seeing children from beyond our county.

Our biggest resource was Link Maker, the online matching website. We didn’t limit our criteria much and we considered a wide geographical radius so we saw lots of profiles. Over time we updated and expanded the information about us, including more photos, an A4 overview sheet that gave family finders all our details, and even a video. We made dozens of good links but none of these progressed to matching.

We also attended Adoption Activity Days, which some people (particularly the media) call adoption parties. These were a valuable experience for us (though the first one was overwhelming) and a good reminder that the children (and us) are more than just words on a page. Meeting and playing with children was great and made us rethink what we could cope with and what we had to offer. We made strong links through these, but, ultimately, they weren’t the right matches.

We saw Little Chick’s profile at a Derbyshire family finding event. Although we had seen literally dozens of profiles and pictures, I knew we would become his parents. I can’t explain it but it was a completely different sensation and experience to every other profile.

What has been the most difficult part about the process?

The waiting: the waiting to be approved; the waiting to be matched; the waiting after we were matched but before placement. We waited more than three years after approval and that was a long, hard slog.

Often, we felt that we had no control in the process so we focused on what we could control. We prepared our home for children. We prepared ourselves for children – physically by getting fitter and losing weight; mentally by reading more and continuing to attend training; emotionally by practising self-care.

We took several holidays, each one billed as the last before children. We enjoyed the time as a couple. With hindsight, I’m glad we waited for the right match, but it was blooming hard during it.

Have you needed to access additional help and support from your agency since your child came home?  If so, what and did it meet your needs?

We have only recently needed to ask for additional help and have requested Non-Violence Resistance (NVR) training. Our son becomes physically violent when he is extremely stressed and especially in periods of change so we want to know how to keep him (and us) safe. Our initial phone call was encouraging but we’re still waiting for follow up support and action.

What has been your best memory since your child(ren) came home?

Just a few months after Little Chick came to live with us, we had a weekend away at Butlin’s. It was probably too soon for a break but we risked it anyway. I’m so glad we did. When he was playing in the water park his stress just fell away. His posture changed, his giggles multiplied, and he looked genuinely happy for the first time. It was pure unbridled joy. We realised that everything up to then had been him in survival mode but this was the real deal, the genuine article. We had our first glimpse of the gorgeous boy we know and love more each day.

If you could go back and have a conversation with yourself about the process before you started, what would you tell yourself?

Something I overlooked was the voices of adult adoptees. Since they had been adopted at a time when children were relinquished, often by single mothers, I didn’t draw immediate parallels to today’s system, where neglect is often a primary reason for being taken into care. But the trauma they experience of being removed from the birth family, even at birth, is the same then and now.

We need to give adoptee voices more time and credit, because one day these will  be our children speaking out. I certainly want my little boy to feel he is heard.