In it, mindful teacher Amy Polly shares some pearls of wisdom about mindfulness which are just as important now as they were then.

October 2020

Life feels pretty tough at the minute. Ever-changing restrictions on who we can see and where. Juggling working from home with a million other things means parents often feel like they’re running on empty. There’s no time or energy left to catch our breath and have time for ourselves.

I’ve been feeling like this for quite a few months, but haven’t known where to start to get things back on track. I’d read about mindfulness but didn’t think it was for me. I thought it would be too difficult and take too much time.

But it’s something my counsellor said would help to start to get me back on track so I thought I’d give it a try. I’m still very new to it, but I’ve definitely noticed a difference and am keen to learn more.

This article is written by Amy Polly who is a mindfulness teacher, speaker, and author. She is also a podcast host and created the ‘My Mindfulness Journal’ for children.

Here, she shares a bit about what mindfulness is and how it can help parents catch their breath and learn how to live in the moment. The exercise she shares at the end of the article is the first one my counsellor did with me. I was amazed at the difference it made.

Leave a comment and let me know how you found it if you try it.

What is mindfulness?

Mindfulness is a word that is talked about a lot nowadays but is still a little misunderstood. Mindfulness is not just meditation; it’s the level of conscious awareness we bring to our lives. Even more simply… what are we actually doing from moment to moment and is our mind with us, or off somewhere else?

Unfortunately, the modern world has brought us to a time where we are very distracted, with the thoughts in our mind, the phone in our hand, the to-do list that never ends, or anything else that takes our attention away from the here and now.

So, if we swap the word mindfulness for awareness it gives us a bit of a simpler understanding about what it is. And we cannot stop being aware. Try it now. Try not to be aware of the room around you or the chair you are sitting on. You cannot do it.

So the good news is this isn’t something completely new for you to learn! It’s something we already have the ability to do but we’ve lost our good practice.

Meditation is a wonderful and important part of mindfulness but within mindfulness, we also cover so much more. For example, how to deal with our thoughts, feelings, and emotions, how to spot when we’re on autopilot, how to understand how the brain works, and how to take a step back from our reactions. It also teaches us to be in touch with our body and our breath.

These are wonderful anchors for bringing yourself back to the moment, particularly if your mind is very chatty or overwhelmed.

There are many scientific studies on mindfulness. These are starting to show us that we really can change the way that our brain works and functions to benefit us and take back some control. Mindfulness is also steeped in history and can help to deal with such things as stress, depression, anxiety, and burnout.

Mindfulness for parents

As a parent, our emotions can be heightened. We can lose a sense of self and sometimes feel like we’re on a forever running treadmill or hamster wheel, trying to get lots of things done and then feeling guilty when we don’t. Mindfulness is a beautiful tool to teach us why our brain works in the way it does.

It also gives us the tools to be able to process that information, take a step back, give ourselves some compassion, stop judging everything we do, and basically give our mind the space to be able to collect itself.

This can result in a calmer life and mind, less overreacting, and the ability to be in the present moment rather than ruminating on the past or fearing the future.

I have personally found mindfulness to be the thing that has benefited me and my life. It has helped me through such things as miscarriage, post-natal anxiety, and the general stresses and strains of relationships and work and balancing everything.

It was through my own journey and sharing it with my closest friends and family that I realised there were still some misconceptions about mindfulness. That people think that perhaps it’s spiritual or ‘woo woo’ or religious or you have to sit cross-legged, burn incense, and use crystals (I do love my incense and crystals).

Do it your way

However, anyone can do it in a way that suits them. Once you have the basics, it’s up to you how you practice. My eight-week course was written with mums in mind because the journey, whatever that looks like for you, can be difficult. I also want to bring it to the mainstream in a fun, honest, and realistic way.

I still swear and have big emotions sometimes and sometimes get angry or upset. But it’s all about the way we deal with these things that matter, not getting rid of them completely. The ups and downs of life are inevitable and as the lovely ladies have labeled me on my course – I’m not a Zen robot and I don’t want anyone else to think they need to be a Zen robot. But I do want you to know that there is a way to be able to find some calm in your everyday.

There is a way to feel like time is not running away with you. There is a way to deal with your anxiety. To come back to the essence of you and to look after yourself.

Getting Started

A few things to get you started today – when you finish reading this article, maybe for the rest of the day or tomorrow, just notice and note when you’re on autopilot. Notice all of the things you do on autopilot or multitasking. That’s the opposite of mindfulness! That’s when you’re not fully present with anything. You’re taking part in a task, but your mind is literally somewhere else.

You can be brushing your teeth and your mind is back in a meeting from a previous day. Or it’s worrying about something to do with the kids tomorrow.

Just have a go at noticing.

Then, when you want to bring yourself to the moment, if it’s in an everyday task, like a shower or a cuppa or brushing your teeth, just use as many of your senses as possible to anchor you to the task at hand.

And finally, go and find some meditations. YouTube is a good place to start looking. But just try a meditation. You only need to start with three minutes.

You can even start right now.

Close your eyes, take a deep breath, in for three, hold for four, out for five. Just do that and keep counting for a few times. As you start to experience mindfulness, as you start to see how much you are on autopilot, and you see how easy it can be to bring yourself back to the moment, and calm your mind using the breath, using meditation, using your awareness in everyday tasks, the more you will want to carry on!

If you enjoyed reading this article, why not buy me a coffee to help keep the magazine free for everyone to read? If you’d like to read more articles about adoption, parenting health and well-being, and eco-swaps, head over to the home page and have a look at what’s new.

I knew about postnatal depression. At least I thought I knew about it. I’d always assumed it was caused by hormones after giving birth. Therefore, it wasn’t relevant to me because I hadn’t given birth.

I didn’t know the signs of post-adoption depression, so it wasn’t on my radar at all after our youngest came home. Looking back, I should’ve asked for help then, when I did some research and thought it might be what I was experiencing. I think post-adoption depression was the start of a gradual and then significant decline in my mental health which ultimately led to me burning out last summer.

Mental Health Awareness

It’s maternal mental health awareness week and there’s been a lot of discussion about post-adoption depression within the #ukadoptioncommunity on Instagram. It’s clear that there’s a lack of awareness about it and it’s something that isn’t always covered as part of adoption training. It needs to be.

I’m grateful to Molly for writing this article about PAD which explains what it is and where you can get help and support from. You can follow Molly on Instagram or YouTube

Going into the adoption process, post-adoption depression wasn’t something I had ever heard about. I had previous mental health struggles in my school years and after having my biological daughter. Our social worker was keen to explore post-adoption depression with us and prepare us for the signs to look out for and the available support.

What to look out for

I was surprised to find that the symptoms of post-adoption depression are incredibly similar to postnatal depression. The feelings of anxiety, panic, and guilt along with the physical symptoms of stomach aches, migraines, and lack of energy were all things I had experienced postnatally.

As a proactive advocate for parental mental health, I was shocked to learn the majority of adoptive parents had never heard of post-adoption depression. So many adopters came forward stating they felt ashamed to access support because they felt they didn’t qualify for it simply because they had adopted. I knew something needed to change and there needed to be more aware of post-adoption deposit-adoption sessions.

In my experience of both pregnancy and adoption, there are so many more contributing factors that would make post-adoption depression likely in new adopters. These can vary from the reality of placement not meeting expectations, the adoption process bringing up recurrent grief, or identifying with the loss your children may suffer.

Signs of post-adoption depression can be present throughout the process, soon after placement, or even later down the line dependent on the triggers. It’s more likely to impact adopters who have experienced mental health issues in the past. Because of my previous mental health issues, my husband and I did extensive research on the topic for our homework tasks throughout the adoption assessment process.

Post-adoption depression

We were stunned to learn just how many contributing factors can potentially trigger post-adoption depression. We found a great fact sheet from Adoption UK with useful information. Some of the many are:

• Experiencing the emotional rollercoasters of being matched with a child
• Therapeutic parenting challenges
• Normal parenting issues such as adjusting to new lifestyles, lack of energy and sleep, and the sudden increase in responsibility
• The intensity of the adoption assessment process
• Challenges of parenting a child who is traumatised
• Experiencing secondary trauma, blocked care, or compassion fatigue

Personal support plan

A really beneficial step that our social worker asked us to take, was creating a personal support plan each. Our personal support plans listed who will give us emotional support and practical support; who or what makes us smile; how we plan to reflect upon small successes; where and how we will access mental health support; who can recognise signs of post-adoption depression; and how we planned to continue a positive relationship with both of our children.

Having a personal support plan in place is something I recommend for all prospective adopters. My plan equipped me for the challenges of adoption and therapeutic parenting. My husband and I reference our plans often and thanks to our research into post-adoption depression, are quick to raise concerns with each other.

Fortunately, I haven’t experienced post-adoption depression, but have experienced struggles with some of the contributing factors. For months I’ve struggled to process the amount of loss that comes with adoption. I identify with the feelings of loss for my son’s birth family and find myself grieving for the losses he will one day endure when learning about his story and his identity. This quickly led to blocked care and compassion fatigue and I was constantly drained and lacked empathy in my parenting.

I went back to my support plan and chose to access post-adoption support. I self-referred to the NHS IAPT service to ensure I can process these challenges with professional support. As an adoptive parent, I am proud of myself for engaging with support. I know it’s the right step to take for me to be the best parent I can be to both of my children.

Support

It’s vital that as adopters we know we have a right to access mental health support for post-adoption depression and any mental health struggle associated with the contributing factors. It’s difficult to comprehend that parents through adoption are not able to be fast-tracked through mental health services simply because we lack the hormonal changes associated with pregnancy and birth. Whilst this needs to change, some of the support currently available can be accessed through the Adoption UK helpline, your child’s post-adoption support team, and some NHS services.

I came across Dr. Hepburn aka The Psychology Mum from a post on Mother Pukka’s Instagram feed. Anna was sharing her experience of post-natal depression and that The Psychology Mum had helped in her recovery. At that time, I was really struggling. I felt completely overwhelmed and didn’t know how to help myself to start to feel better again. I watched Anna’s interview on BBC Breakfast in floods of tears. So much of what she said resonated with me.

After watching the interview, I searched for Dr. Hepburn on Instagram and started to follow her. She’s a clinical psychologist and uses wonderful illustrations to demonstrate how our minds and brains work. Her book “introduces her proven and practical tools for taking care of your mental and emotional well-being every day.”

A book about a brain

If you’d told me at the start of this year, I’d be reading a book about how your brain works, I’d have said no thanks! The subject matter isn’t something I would have jumped at reading a book about in any other set of circumstances. But this year hasn’t been normal. By any stretch of the imagination.

For some reason, looking after our mental health still isn’t seen as a top priority. The culture of keeping on keeping on has been engrained into us from an early age. Carrying on when you’re ill is seen as a strength. I work in a culture where going to work when you’re ill is applauded.  Saying that you can’t cope is seen as a weakness. That’s how I felt. Life was tough for everyone, so what gave me the right to say I wasn’t coping?

At the time I started to read this book, I was having counselling sessions. My counsellor explained some of the basics about what was going on in my head. I understood what she was saying, but it didn’t connect with me. My head felt so full that I didn’t know how to do what she was telling me to. Reading the first few pages of the book changed all that.

I read the book in chronological order but you can dip in and out of the bits you feel you need at any given time. It explains the theory of how our brains work. But also the practical side. Why we can feel the way we often do when difficult things happen in our lives? And how we can deal with them better.

My lightbulb moment

For me, the lightbulb moment was the chapter about your capacity cup. When my counsellor explained the theory about this, I didn’t really get it. But seeing that theory in a picture made complete sense. I began to understand why all of the things I’d experienced over the last few years had led me to burnout.

The book is packed full of information, advice, and exercises to do to help you recognise when your mental health is starting to suffer. What action you can take to take a step back? And how you can help yourself to recover and break the cycle. Some of the things, I already knew. But seeing them represented in the drawings made so much more sense to me.

As the wonderful @motherpukka says on the front of the book, it’s “A mandatory read for anyone with a brain.” And it really is. It will give you the tools to look after your mental health in a world that feels like it’s changed beyond recognition in the last 12 months. “A Toolkit for Modern Life will help you to cultivate positive habits and feel more confident, happier, and in tune with yourself.”

Reading the book hasn’t solved all my problems. But it’s given me a good start on that process. If you don’t follow The Psychology Mum already, go and say hello. Her wonderful images will help you feel better and more in control.

A Toolkit for Modern Life: 53 Ways to Look After Your Mind is available to buy from Amazon and most bookshops including Blackwells

As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

Click here to read more book reviews.

Our eldest came home just over five years ago. Our lives changed beyond recognition overnight. For a while I felt like I didn’t know who I was other than her mum. But gradually, that changed and I found what felt like a good balance. Having one child meant we could still have time for us as a couple, and as individuals.

I worked three days a week. Getting eldest ready for nursery was relatively stress free. She needed the odd nudge but generally we got out of the door when we needed to. We were happy as a family of three and had no intention of expanding to four.

And then we got that email. The one that told us birth mum was pregnant again. That year was the hardest of my life. There was illness, the death of my wonderful father-in-law, a less than straight forward assessment. And then, our lives changed again when youngest came home.

Since then, it’s felt like our lives are going at a hundred miles an hour. The first few months of youngest being home were really tough. I’ve written here about post adoption depression and how I felt like I was coming out of the other side of it. But last year continued to be a difficult one with my return to work looming.

I went to see my GP but the never ending waiting list for counselling meant going private. I knew if I didn’t, I wouldn’t be able to go back to work. Counselling really helped me deal with a big part of my life that I was struggling with. It also meant I was able to go back to work and not be a crumbling mess.

But going back to work has brought a whole new level of stress. Not particularly from my job itself. But from the stresses of morning drop offs and afternoon pick ups. So, to cut a long story short, I’ve had to reduce my hours at work to alleviate some of the stress around this.

I thought reducing my hours would also give me some time for myself. Time to try and remember who I am other than our children’s mum who feels like she’s on a treadmill she can’t keep up with. So far that hasn’t really happened and I’m not feeling the benefit in how I’m feeling. I came across this article recently as part of a course I’m doing. It really resonated with me and sums up where I’m at right now.

I love my children more than anything in the world, but youngest in particular is all consuming. I feel like I’ve totally forgotten how to be me. How to relax and read a book. Or just relax.

The last few months have been really tough. Endless illness and constant battles with a twenty two month old who’s had the terrible twos since she turned one, are starting to take their toll on me. Every. Single. Thing is a battle with her. Some I don’t fight anymore if she starts. So sometimes she goes to nursery with no coat or shoes on. That’s no big deal and means the start to my working day is slightly less fraught than it would have been if I’d tried to win the battle.

Her epic meltdowns are on a whole different level to those her sister had. She throws herself backwards when she starts and we’ve had quite a few near misses where a serious head injury was only just avoided. And trying to change a dirty nappy is like going several rounds in a boxing ring.

I know that I’m running an empty. That has to change. My children have already lost so much in their short lives. Seeing me overwhelmed, short tempered and lost isn’t good for anyone. Being a parent doesn’t mean we have to be perfect. The realities of parenting are far from that. And that’s ok. But I need to put my foot on the brakes and get off every now and then to just be me.

Some of the things that Heidi has talked about in her article seem achievable. So, to start off with I’m going to go swimming once a week on one of my half days. On days where that feels like too much effort (I hate getting dry afterwards!!) I’ll go for a walk.

It’s so easy when you’re a parent to just keep on keeping on. To become all consumed by family life to the detriment of ourselves. Having a full duvet day is probably not going to be possible for a while, but the idea of 20 minutes a day to replenish feels achievable.

So, who else is in? Fancy pressing pause for a few minutes and getting off the ride?