For adopted children, separation anxiety often stems from circumstances far beyond their control. Being removed from their biological family, and then foster carers, leaves children feeling anxious when they are separated from their new caregivers.

New experiences and situations can be particularly difficult to manage for adopted children, such as starting school or moving into a new class. We can do a lot to help with this before the start of a new term, such as visiting the new school/classroom/teacher. We found regular walks to her new school in the couple of weeks before she started, and helped our youngest familiarise herself with the route and routine.

Separation anxiety is difficult for a child, but it’s also distressing for parents. There’s nothing worse than leaving your child in tears at nursery or school. Even if they settle quickly after that, it’s something I struggled with when our youngest daughter was unsettled at nursery.

Managing new situations is something all children have to experience. As parents, although we’d love to be able to take away any anxiety about a new situation, we can’t. But we can use techniques and props to help our children manage their feelings.

Here are five tips recommended by parents to help manage separation anxiety:

Talking

As our daughter gets older, we’ve all learned how to manage separation better. A big part of this has been talking. We talk through what’s going to happen in advance of the new situation, and if she’s got questions I can’t answer, I’ll find out and tell her.

Knowing which door to use, where to hang her coat, and where the loos are, are all things that help her manage her anxiety. We try not to force conversations and talk about things when she wants to. Like a lot of children though, she tends to bottle it up and her anxiety comes out in anger. So we often talk things through once she’s calmer and is able to express what she’s worried about.

We’ve found the school website a great starting point for conversations. There are some photos of classrooms and we talk about where hers is going to be and how she’ll get there.

Smells

We’ve found familiar smells work really well for our eldest. She has a spray of my favourite perfume on her wrist and on her clothing. This helps her to feel safe and know that I’m with her, even when I’m not there physically.

We use this technique not just for school, but any situation where she’s nervous about something new. It’s a discrete way of helping her feel safe as no-one else knows what the smell means to her.

Physical things

We used this technique for the first time last year. Covid meant there were no physical visits to her new classroom. This was particularly hard for our daughter as she was moving up into juniors. It’s a completely separate school which she wasn’t familiar with at all.

I bought her this lovely badge from Clara and Macy which I ironed on the inside of her school cardigan. It worked a treat. It gave her a little boost whenever she needed it. And she also used it to help her friends. One of her friend’s mum stopped me in the yard and said our daughter had let her daughter hug her badge when she was missing her mum in the first few days of the new term which I thought was lovely.

You can also buy the design as a pin or with different versions of mum and dad. Click here to see all of their designs. They’re such a simple idea, and a brilliant way of helping your child remember you’re always close.

Wrist drawing

A lot of parents find drawing a heart of something similar on their child’s wrist and their wrist, helps with separation anxiety. Depending on your child’s age, they could draw something on your hand or wrist, and then you do the same on theirs. It’s a simple and effective reminder for them throughout the day, that you’re with them.

The drawing on their wrist could also be used as a hug button. When you’re child is feeling anxious or worried when they’re apart from you, they can touch the drawing and imagine a hug from you. A lot of parents say this works well for their child.

Books

I’m a huge lover of using books to help my kids understand something new. There are some great picture storybooks available about starting school and managing separation anxiety.

Without a doubt, our favourite is “The Invisible String” written by Patrice Karst. It’s a beautiful story about two children who were worried about sleeping on their own. Their mum told them about the invisible string which always connects them.

We went through a stage where this was the only book our eldest wanted to read at bedtime. She absolutely loved it, and we still talk about the concept of our invisible string that connects us, even when we’re apart.

Read my review of the book and The Invisible String is available to buy from a range of outlets such as like Amazon.

Transition box

Creating a transition box is a great way of helping your child feel safe and secure, and understanding they’re still connected to you and home when they’re at school. The box doesn’t need to be big, just something you can put in things you’ve made together at home. You could make things specifically for it, or use things you made together that you’re child has kept.

Your child can then add in things to the box that they’ve made at school for you.

Make sure you speak to the school or nursery first to agree that your child can bring a box in. Some schools don’t allow children to bring things in from home so if that’s the case at your child’s school, you’ll need to get permission beforehand.

If you’d like some more tips and advice about managing school year transitions, read Emma Spillane’s article, which is packed full of tips and advice.

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Please note that this article contains affiliate links to Etsy and Amazon. That means if you click on the link and go on to buy the products, I get paid a fee from the store.

Our eldest has always struggled with separation anxiety so I was hoping that this book would help to ease things a bit for her.

The book is a beautiful story of how a brother and sister are woken one night by a storm. They want their mum to come and stay with them in their room because they feel alone. To help ease their fears, she tells them about the invisible string that she learned about when she was a child.

The Invisible String

The children ask their mum how it works when they can’t see it. She tells them that the invisible string is a bond that can’t be seen but is always there, connecting people with love. It connects friends and family, no matter how far apart they are. It’s stronger than anger so won’t disappear if someone makes you cross. It even connects to people in heaven.

Knowing they’re connected to their mum, even when she’s in a different room, the children go back to bed. They’re no longer bothered by the storm and dream of all the people they’re connected to by invisible string.

My daughter loves this book. It’s beautifully illustrated by Joanne Lew-Vriethoff. It’s helped her to understand a bit more that we’re connected to her, even when she’s not with us. As she grows up, hopefully, it will help her to understand the bond with her birth family. They love her even though they aren’t with her.

It’s also helped her to deal with the death of her granddad. Since we’ve been reading the book, she’s said several times that he still loves her even though he isn’t here.

Over the years it’s become a book that both my children love. It’s helped them both manage separation anxiety and understand that love withstands a lot of things like anger and distance.

Our eldest daughter is 10 and although she doesn’t read the book that much anymore (she likes reading it to her younger sister though), she often recites its message when she’s upset or angry, or if she’s struggling with being apart from me or someone else she loves.

Recommended for all children

I would recommend this book to all parents. It’s a beautiful way for them to learn about being loved and connected to people, even when they can’t see them or they’re no longer around for whatever reason.

You can buy The Invisible String from a range of shops including Amazon. Head over to the book review section to read all about other great books about adoption and parenting.

This post contains an affiliate link to Amazon which means if you click on the link to the book and buy it, I get paid a fee from them.