When children move from foster care to their adoptive family, sleep can be one of the first things that’s disrupted because of the level of change and stress experienced by your child. They’re moving from a stable and safe environment to something completely unknown with relative strangers. Helping them to feel safe and secure enough to be able to sleep is often the key to them settling and transferring their attachment from their foster carers to their new parents.

This article is written by The Parent Rock Catherine Wasley, a certified holistic sleep coach (OCN Level 6). Catherine has a passion for helping families achieve their sleep goals and with over 30 years of experience working with young families and as a mum of four, she combines extensive knowledge with a compassionate, personalised approach to sleep coaching.

The most overlooked key to better sleep for your child

When it comes to sleep – for both you and your child – there’s one crucial factor that often gets overlooked: calm.

We tend to focus on routines, techniques, or specific sleep methods. But without a foundation of calm, even the best strategies will fall short – maybe not immediately but in time they will unravel.

Sleep is not a fixed achievement – it’s a dynamic process with peaks and troughs. I’ve often seen this play out when parents reach out to me with an older baby or toddler, previously sleep-trained, and are struggling to make sense of why they are suddenly starting to wake frequently at night again or the bedtime routine is stretching out with wake-ups soon after settling.

Parents are quite often led to believe that sleep is something that can be “fixed.” Follow one set sleep strategy and sleep woes are banished forever! But the truth is sleep is fluid and ever-changing, throughout our entire lives.

However, with calm as your foundation, you’ll be in a far better position to take on these inevitable “sleep storms.” Calmness creates the ideal conditions for relaxation, making it easier to drift off and stay asleep.

And when we talk about calm in relation to sleep we’re not just talking about your child. Your calmness matters just as much, actually even more so. Children are incredibly attuned to their caregivers, absorbing emotions like little sponges. When you’re calm, your child is more likely to feel calm too – and calm is the gateway to sleep.

Why calm matters: The science

Learning to calm down is a skill that takes years to develop. The prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for emotional regulation, continues to grow throughout childhood and doesn’t fully mature until our mid-twenties. So self-soothing is a developmental milestone, not an innate ability. This is where you come in: you’re pivotal in helping your child regulate their emotions and achieve a calm state.

To sleep well, the body must shift from alertness to relaxation. This process engages the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS), often called the “rest and digest” system. The PNS slows the heart rate, relaxes muscles, and sets the stage for restorative sleep. Conversely, the sympathetic nervous system (SNS), responsible for the “fight or flight” response, keeps us alert and on edge. Creating calm activates the PNS and primes your child for sleep.

Practical ways to create calm

Start with yourself

Before addressing your child’s needs, check in with yourself. Are you calm? If not, take a moment to reset. Here are a few ways to ground yourself:

• Hydrate and have a snack: A glass of water and a small, nutritious snack can help stabilise your energy and focus, preparing you to better support your child.
• Pause and breathe: Deep breathing activates your own parasympathetic nervous system, helping you feel calmer almost instantly.
• Adjust your environment: Dim the lights, put on music or a favourite podcast, or simply sit down for a moment.

Slow down

Children quickly pick up on your energy, so moving gently and speaking softly can set the tone for relaxation. Let your movements be deliberate and soothing. Even small gestures, like dropping your shoulders or making soft eye contact, can make a difference.

Use your voice

A quiet, soothing tone can help signal safety and calm. Singing a lullaby, humming, or even speaking gently can reassure your child. Don’t worry about perfection – your little one isn’t judging your singing skills!

Try gentle movements

Gentle, repetitive movements can be incredibly soothing for a little one.

• Swaying or rocking: Slow, rhythmic motions mimic the comforting sensations your baby experienced in the womb, providing familiarity and security. Use a rocking chair, sway on your feet, or even try a baby wrap or carrier for hands-free soothing.
• Patting: A soft, steady pat on their back or bottom can create a calming rhythm. Try syncing the pats to a soothing song or your own breathing for added comfort.
• Holding close: Simply cuddling your baby against your chest can be one of the most powerful ways to calm them. Skin-to-skin contact amplifies the soothing effect, helping regulate your baby’s breathing and heart rate while reinforcing your bond.

These movements not only comfort your child but can also help you feel more connected and grounded during challenging moments.

Create a peaceful environment

im lighting, white noise, or soft music can create a calm atmosphere. A quiet room free of distractions helps both you and your child focus on relaxation.

Lower your expectations

Rather than focusing on getting your child to sleep within a specific timeframe, shift your goal to creating calm. Sleep will follow naturally once both of you are in a relaxed state.

Having a mantra

A phrase you can mutter under your breath can really help when you’re going through a tough patch: ‘This phase will pass – it’s not forever.’ Or: ‘I am all that my little one needs right here, right now.’

Calming techniques for your child

There’s no one-size-fits-all method for soothing a little one. All children have unique preferences, and what works one day might not work the next.

Here’s a “pick-and-mix” of techniques to try:

Shushing: A soft, rhythmic “shhh” mimics the comforting sounds your baby heard in the womb, creating a sense of familiarity. Try varying the volume and tempo to discover what soothes your little one.

Rocking: Gentle motion is a classic way to soothe. Whether you’re rocking your little one in your arms, using a rocking chair, or swaying while standing, this repetitive movement can help your child relax and feel secure. Experiment with the speed and rhythm to see what feels best for both of you.

Swaddling: Wrapping your baby snugly can provide a sense of safety and security, replicating the snug environment of the womb. Just make sure the swaddle is not too tight and your baby can move their legs freely. Once your baby can roll, stop swaddling with their arms inside the fabric.

White noise: A consistent background sound, like white noise, can mask sudden household noises and create a womb-like auditory environment.

Touch: Stroking your child’s back, patting gently in a rhythmic pattern, or placing a reassuring hand on their chest can work wonders to ground and calm them. Physical touch releases oxytocin (the “love hormone” or “bonding hormone”), helping both you and your child feel more connected and at ease.

Using a dummy (pacifier): Sucking is a natural reflex for babies and can be very soothing.

Feeding to sleep: For many babies, feeding – whether breastfeeding or bottle-feeding – is a comforting pre-sleep ritual. If it’s working for your family, don’t worry about creating a “bad habit.” Trust your instincts and do what feels right in the moment.

Sleep support: Staying grounded in chaos

Parenting can feel chaotic, especially during sleepless nights. Here’s how to stay grounded:

• Breathe deeply: Inhale through your nose for four seconds, hold for four, then exhale slowly for four. This simple practice activates your body’s calming response, helping you regain composure.
• Be gentle with yourself: Sleepless nights are tough, and it’s easy to criticise yourself when things don’t go as planned. Remember, you’re doing your best. Focus on the small wins.
• Take mini breaks: When the stress builds, it’s okay to step away. Place your baby in a safe space, like their cot or bassinet, and give yourself a few moments to reset with a drink of water or a march around the room to release tension!
• Get outdoors: Stepping outside, even for a few moments, can help clear your mind. A walk in the morning light not only boosts your mood but also supports your body’s natural sleep rhythms.
• Focus on the present: Bring your attention to small, grounding actions, like holding your child’s hand or smoothing their hair. These simple moments can bring calm to the chaos.
• Establish a routine for yourself: Even small rituals – like enjoying a hot shower, reading for a few minutes, or having a consistent bedtime – can provide a sense of stability in an otherwise unpredictable time.

Calm first, sleep second

The key takeaway? Prioritise calm over sleep. By creating a peaceful state for both you and your child, you remove the pressure and allow sleep to come naturally.

Remember, calmness isn’t a quick fix – it’s an ongoing practice. Some days will be more challenging than others, but just focus on being the best version of calm you can be in the moment. It’s all about progress, not perfection!

When you give calmness that attention, it can make a world of difference for both your child’s sleep – and yours, too!

How The Parent Rock can help

Catherine Wasley, also known as The Parent Rock, provides 1:1 sessions with parents, providing gentle and effective strategies tailored to each family’s unique needs. For full details, support and resources, visit her website and grab your free guide to better sleep. You can also follow Catherine on Instagram where she shares tips and advice.

Head to the parenting section to read more articles about sleep and other topics that support parents.

When you’re child is in a good bedtime routine you don’t want to rock the boat. Getting them settled and asleep at a time that means you can chill, take a breath and relax before you go to bed can feel like a huge achievement. The thought of changing anything is terrifying. Particularly if you’ve had a difficult journey to finding a routine that works.

But the reality is, life changes. And there are times when we need someone else to put our child to bed. As parents, we’re entitled to go out without being restricted to waiting until the kids are in bed. Or just have a bath and relax early enough in the evening so we can still watch trashy TV for a few hours before bed.

Our sleep experience

When we’ve changed from either myself or my husband putting the kids to bed, we’ve had varying levels of success. When we just had our eldest daughter it was easier. We tended to do bedtime together so it didn’t really matter who did the final part. Without wanting to rub it in too much, she’s been an absolute dream (pardon the pun!) when it comes to sleep.

We were utterly amazed when she went to sleep easily on the first night she was home. She was still having one bottle through the night. But other than that, she slept right through. We didn’t as we kept checking she was still breathing. And ever since then, she’s been a very good sleeper.

Our youngest, however, has been completely different. When she first came home, she would go to sleep ok, but then wake up several times unsettled. And that hasn’t really changed over the last four years.

Our biggest problem has always been getting to settle her when one of us is out, or when someone else is looking after her. So, my interest was piqued when I was asked to review a course from Fox and Moon which is designed to help you introduce another caregiver. The course is aimed at babies, but there’s some useful tips to help with toddlers too. I was kindly gifted access to the course.

Introducing another caregiver

The course is delivered via a video recording of a webinar Emily delivered. The first part is the training element and then she answers questions from parent participants about problems they’ve experienced. She gives advice as to how to manage the various situations which is really helpful – as much as I wouldn’t want anyone to have to experience broken or no sleep, it’s good to hear that we’re not alone in experiencing sleep issues. And that the issues we’ve had are common.

Emily is an advocate of holistic sleep support which means looking at the whole picture in terms of health and well-being, not just sleep. If there’s something else going on that’s causing a child to feel unsettled, that needs to be addressed so that their sleep can improve.

I found the course really useful and is something I wish I’d been aware of sooner. A lot of the night-time waking when she was younger probably related to feeling unsettled moving from her foster carers to us. I think if we’d used some of the techniques Emily talks about during introductions, they may have helped her to feel more settled which in turn would have helped her sleep.

We’ve modified some of the things Emily suggests to make them age-appropriate for our youngest and there has been an improvement. Flexibility and calmness has definitely helped. As has planning in advance for changes. And lots of reassurance that we’ll always come home if we aren’t there for bedtime.

Fox and the Moon resources

As well as the webinar that I watched, Emily has a lot of other resources and courses to help. They include frequent and early waking webinars, nap transition Q & A’s and sleep guides for various age groups. She also provides 1:1 sleep support.

So, if you’re struggling with sleep issues and want some easy tips to help get things back on track, I’d recommend having a look at Fox and Moon’s resources. Sleep is such an important part of our well-being. Getting it right in the early days makes it easier to keep things on the right track.

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