For adopted children, separation anxiety often stems from circumstances far beyond their control. Being removed from their biological family, and then foster carers, leaves children feeling anxious when they are separated from their new caregivers.

New experiences and situations can be particularly difficult to manage for adopted children, such as starting school or moving into a new class. We can do a lot to help with this before the start of a new term, such as visiting the new school/classroom/teacher. We found regular walks to her new school in the couple of weeks before she started, and helped our youngest familiarise herself with the route and routine.

Separation anxiety is difficult for a child, but it’s also distressing for parents. There’s nothing worse than leaving your child in tears at nursery or school. Even if they settle quickly after that, it’s something I struggled with when our youngest daughter was unsettled at nursery.

Managing new situations is something all children have to experience. As parents, although we’d love to be able to take away any anxiety about a new situation, we can’t. But we can use techniques and props to help our children manage their feelings.

Here are five tips recommended by parents to help manage separation anxiety:

Talking

As our daughter gets older, we’ve all learned how to manage separation better. A big part of this has been talking. We talk through what’s going to happen in advance of the new situation, and if she’s got questions I can’t answer, I’ll find out and tell her.

Knowing which door to use, where to hang her coat, and where the loos are, are all things that help her manage her anxiety. We try not to force conversations and talk about things when she wants to. Like a lot of children though, she tends to bottle it up and her anxiety comes out in anger. So we often talk things through once she’s calmer and is able to express what she’s worried about.

We’ve found the school website a great starting point for conversations. There are some photos of classrooms and we talk about where hers is going to be and how she’ll get there.

Smells

We’ve found familiar smells work really well for our eldest. She has a spray of my favourite perfume on her wrist and on her clothing. This helps her to feel safe and know that I’m with her, even when I’m not there physically.

We use this technique not just for school, but any situation where she’s nervous about something new. It’s a discrete way of helping her feel safe as no-one else knows what the smell means to her.

Physical things

We used this technique for the first time last year. Covid meant there were no physical visits to her new classroom. This was particularly hard for our daughter as she was moving up into juniors. It’s a completely separate school which she wasn’t familiar with at all.

I bought her this lovely badge from Clara and Macy which I ironed on the inside of her school cardigan. It worked a treat. It gave her a little boost whenever she needed it. And she also used it to help her friends. One of her friend’s mum stopped me in the yard and said our daughter had let her daughter hug her badge when she was missing her mum in the first few days of the new term which I thought was lovely.

You can also buy the design as a pin or with different versions of mum and dad. Click here to see all of their designs. They’re such a simple idea, and a brilliant way of helping your child remember you’re always close.

Wrist drawing

A lot of parents find drawing a heart of something similar on their child’s wrist and their wrist, helps with separation anxiety. Depending on your child’s age, they could draw something on your hand or wrist, and then you do the same on theirs. It’s a simple and effective reminder for them throughout the day, that you’re with them.

The drawing on their wrist could also be used as a hug button. When you’re child is feeling anxious or worried when they’re apart from you, they can touch the drawing and imagine a hug from you. A lot of parents say this works well for their child.

Books

I’m a huge lover of using books to help my kids understand something new. There are some great picture storybooks available about starting school and managing separation anxiety.

Without a doubt, our favourite is “The Invisible String” written by Patrice Karst. It’s a beautiful story about two children who were worried about sleeping on their own. Their mum told them about the invisible string which always connects them.

We went through a stage where this was the only book our eldest wanted to read at bedtime. She absolutely loved it, and we still talk about the concept of our invisible string that connects us, even when we’re apart.

Read my review of the book and The Invisible String is available to buy from a range of outlets such as like Amazon.

Transition box

Creating a transition box is a great way of helping your child feel safe and secure, and understanding they’re still connected to you and home when they’re at school. The box doesn’t need to be big, just something you can put in things you’ve made together at home. You could make things specifically for it, or use things you made together that you’re child has kept.

Your child can then add in things to the box that they’ve made at school for you.

Make sure you speak to the school or nursery first to agree that your child can bring a box in. Some schools don’t allow children to bring things in from home so if that’s the case at your child’s school, you’ll need to get permission beforehand.

If you’d like some more tips and advice about managing school year transitions, read Emma Spillane’s article, which is packed full of tips and advice.

Head to the homepage to read the latest parenting articles.

Please note that this article contains affiliate links to Etsy and Amazon. That means if you click on the link and go on to buy the products, I get paid a fee from the store.

To help us all find the support we need, I’m going to publish some articles which highlight resources available for some of the issues children who’ve experienced early life trauma sometimes experience. The first of these articles is written by the brilliant Ali who is the mum behind @thefizzykids Ali’s created some great resources which she shares on her website and via her Podcast and newsletter.

In this article, she shares the journey her family have been on which has resulted in them learning a new parenting language to support their children. Ali’s writing a book about their experience. You’ll find details of where to buy some of the chapters in the article.

Change your language, and you change your thoughts (Karl Albrecht)

Like many people who have been through a tough time, there was something compelling about taking pen to paper and starting to write it all down. Way back in time (like, January 2020….well that feels like way back in time with everything that has happened doesn’t it?!), I started writing a book called ‘Don’t Calm Down’ to try and bring together my family’s story and everything we’d learnt about living with and loving traumatised kids with learning difficulties.

It started messily – just a download of feelings and incidents pouring out onto the page.  There wasn’t much about why we adopted, or the adoption process or those first magical moments we captured on camera and in our hearts. If I’m honest, it was all about the years after that which appeared quite unexpectedly; the years of some really dark days as we started to grasp the full reality of helping our children through their trauma and beginning to understand and accept the challenges our children would face in everyday life because of their special needs.

It was raw, it was honest, but that made it incredibly cathartic.  Within eight weeks I’d written 40,000 words.  When I stopped to re-read it I was a little shocked. How could I have not thought that we would have to deal with some of this stuff?

We’d spent a year being grilled by social workers in order to be ‘deemed fit’ as adopters; we’d been on all those courses that show you photos of kid’s brains who have been traumatised; we’d read all the books; we’d connected with other adopters.  And yet somehow, all of that got lost in the first few busy years of life with babies and toddlers when you’re focused on the next feed and nap.

And of course, when they were tiny, they couldn’t talk back! They couldn’t tell us how they were really feeling!  They were probably in ‘freeze’ mode that the experts talk about – frozen in time at the point of going into foster care or adoption and simply hiding those enormous experiences and emotions that go with them.

A new parenting language

During those difficult years, we went on an amazing journey that crafted a new set of parenting skills as we re-learned to be the parents our kids needed us to be.  Our breakthrough moment came as we realised we needed to learn a new parenting language. One that spoke to the trauma, the anger, the grief; not one that shamed or judged or shouted.

And so I refined the book to focus not on the bad days, but on what we’d learnt as a result of the bad days. I did this in the hope it may help just one other person or family to have one better day in the midst of chaos, meltdowns, traumatic outpourings or self-esteem issues.

Like many optimistic writers, I would love to see the full book published someday! Until then, I have turned it into chapters that will help parents of kids with higher emotional or special needs, understand why a new parenting language and approach may be effective. There are also specific chapters on How to Talk to the Angry Child and How to Talk to the Anxious Child.

All chapters can be downloaded on our website: Book – Fizzy Kids and the Introduction is free. I hope to add more chapters over time on language to prevent shaming a child and how to talk to a rude and hyperactive child.

Changing our language really did change the way we viewed our kids’ big feelings and resulting big behaviours and also helped us stay regulated in the face of those very fizzy moments.

You can read more about Ali’s journey in this interview and in this article about The Fizzy Kids Podcast.

Did you know your girls were affected by attachment disorder before they came home?

Through the adoption process, you learn about the different ways children who’ve experienced trauma, even pre birth, can be affected so we were aware of what might lie ahead. What you don’t know is necessarily how your child will present.  These things are different for each child. Some children present differently in their forever homes when they feel more settled than they did whilst in temporary foster care for example.

We were aware that our eldest daughter was struggling with everything that had happened to her and were told some of the ways in which she was communicating this through her behaviours.  We were told very little about our youngest daughter. I feel this was because she presented differently and therefore it wasn’t as obvious, particularly due to her young age.

If you did, were you given any advice or training about it?  Were you told what had caused them to be affected by it?

My daughters’ foster placement was at risk of breakdown so before we were matched, they were enrolled on a multi treatment foster care programme. This was designed to support carers in caring for children who were at risk of placement breakdowns. We adopted our daughters before the programme started so we enrolled on it as their adopters.  It was quite heavily behavioural based and whilst it did help in the early days, it didn’t address the deeper attachment issues.

We were aware of some of the trauma our daughters had experienced in their birth family. This knowledge helped us to make links between some of the symptoms we were seeing due to their experiences. However, there are still many gaps in the information so we’ve had to find our way and make our own judgements.

If you didn’t, when did you become aware of problems with attachment?

My youngest presented very differently with us than she had her foster carers, so we spotted her attachment issues after she came home. Because she was only two it was quite difficult to get any real support for her.

My eldest was on the MTFC programme for six months but after about three months I expressed the need for therapeutic parenting support rather than behavioural support.  She was becoming better at taking directions which was a result of the programme but her attachment issues were not being supported enough.

What kind of things do your girls do that are caused by attachment problems?

They both crave structure and routine and struggle with any free time, free play or free choice. They require firm boundaries to ensure they remain in a regulated state and don’t make mistakes which may cause them to go to a place of shame

My eldest can be very controlling and this can present as defiant behaviours or manipulation as well as having to be in charge of games or play.

My youngest regularly disassociates.  This causes her to freeze and prevents her from functioning effectively at her chronological age. She may choose to not speak or her ability to process instructions will be suffer.  She can become over emotional over small things.

We had to stop my eldest from being a care giver.  We did this by doing as much for her as possible, even the stuff she could do for herself.  We needed to show her that she could rely on us and we’ll keep her safe.  We used terms like “that’s a mummy/daddy/adult job” a lot.

We had to balance this with giving her a sense of responsibility as she craved control.  So where appropriate, we allowed her to do small things for herself like choose her underwear or put her own shoes on, but never for her younger sister or us.  This helped her be little and be a child. As she’s got older, we’ve been able to give her more to do independently, but just for herself, not for others.

We have to parent them very differently and accommodate their needs carefully in our day to day life

Are they both affected in the same way?

No, not at all. They’re extremely close in age and have experienced the same trauma in many ways, but they’ve processed it very differently.

My eldest who presents as fight/flight and my youngest who presents as fight/freeze

How do you manage and support them to feel secure?

We use therapeutic parenting techniques at home as regularly as possible.  This means we don’t use punishments or rewards. We spend lots of time together keeping them as close to us as possible which helps them to explore safely whilst limiting their chance of failure.

We stick to the same routines as much as possible and give them a lot of structure in their days.  This helps them to feel calm and in control.  It also shows them that we know how to keep them safe.

Through the adoption support fund we have accessed theraplay and music therapy which is really helping both of them.  We have very different sessions with each of them which means we’re working on their needs as individuals which can be hard to do in day to day family life with siblings.

I’ve given up my job to become a full time stay at home mum. I feel the need for this is something that should’ve been identified in the matching process.  Their needs mean that I have to be available to them at all times, even when they are at school. This helps them to feel safe, knowing I’m still around.

Have you had to change the way you parent as you’ve learned more about attachment?

Yes.  I think the biggest adjustment had been around expectations. We may plan something perfectly. Have thought of every possible situation, prepared them and us properly in detail and it might still end up going wrong. This can be very disheartening for everyone!

We’ve learned to lower expectations and take pleasure in the simple things.  We’ve had to accept that we are on a journey and it’s a long one.  Things will not change overnight.  We will take steps forward and then several back and we’ve had to learn to just go with it.  We’re learning what our girls can and can’t cope with and have had to learn to accept that some things just aren’t possible for us…. yet!

The other element of parenting that we’ve had to change was learning to parent their emotional age and not their chronological age.  It’s hard because they often don’t stay in one phase all of the time. So learning that just because they could do something one day doesn’t mean they’ll do it every day. Learning to go back and regress with them can actually bring them so much further forward rather than pushing them before they’re ready.

What kind of help and support do you receive to help with attachment?  Was it easy to get?

No, it wasn’t easy to get.  We’ve had to fight very hard and had some very difficult conversations with our local authority.

We do now have a good support package in place.  I meet with an adoption support worker as often as I need.  Just me and her. We have coffee and just generally chat things through.  She can offer help if I’m in a situation that I am unsure of. Or she just listens.  It’s been invaluable.

Through the ASF we have theraplay, music therapy and DDP.  These are all therapeutic services that are aimed at helping and supporting attachment disorders and support us in parenting therapeutically.

Can you see improvements in the way the girls deal with things now compared to how they did when they first came home?  If yes, in what way?

Oh yes! They have come so far… (we have to remind ourselves of this often).

Both of them are learning that it’s ok to make mistakes.  This is a long process and one that doesn’t always make linear progress, but they’re getting it.  We often use the term “oopsie daisy” when they’ve done something quite bad just to diffuse the intensity of it.  Then we might do some wondering over what they were feeling that caused them to do it.

This is something that we all have to work on together as a family because it’s hard to always remain calm in situations. We’re human and it doesn’t always happen that way. But in those situations we put all the effort into repairing.  Repairing is where we take time to explore what went wrong, what we were feeling and what we can do better next time. I say sorry to my children all of the time.  It’s important for them to know that we make mistakes too.

They have learned a lot about emotions and feelings.  They’re learning that it’s ok to be angry/sad/grumpy/frustrated. The next step is helping them to process the feeling and manage it appropriately.  Again, they’ve made huge progress.  They often say “I’m so mad” or “I’m feeling worried, and that’s ok to feel worried isn’t it?”

What books / forums / resources would you recommend to parents to help their children with attachment disorder?

During the process I read “Building the bonds of attachment” by Dan Hughes and it is always the first book I recommend. It’s not an easy read but it’s so insightful and genuinely taught me so much about attachment disorder and therapeutic parenting.

I also read “No matter what” by Sally Donovan which was another great read and written by and adoptive mum so a great insight into the realities.

There is the National Association of Therapeutic Parents. This was set up by Sarah Naish. She adopted a sibling group who are now grown up and she is amazing! She has also written lots of books too.

The #ukadoptioncommunity on Instagram has been an amazing source of support, comfort, advice as well as being a lovely place to share the ups and downs of adoption.  Some are just starting, some have been adopters for years, some have just been matched.  There’s also a really diverse set of adopters from single adopters, same sex adopters, foster to adopt, special guardianship, sibling adoption.

Finally, I would also say not to be afraid to lean on your local authority (or whoever you adopted through). They’re there to support you and your children.  Ask for help.  Reach out.  You’re not alone.

If you’d like to read more adoption experiences, click here

Today’s article is written by Ali about her realisation that that kind of language wasn’t working with her two boys. You can read all about her journey to meeting her sons here. Ali’s launched the brilliant FizzyKids Podcast to share her quest to transform her parenting language to something that has better results for her family. If you don’t follow her on Instagram already, go and say hello.

FizzyKids

Do you have those days when you’re standing at the bottom of the stairs hollering at your shouting child ‘How dare you talk to me like that’?!  Or when they’re sobbing hysterically and you’re late for work. You brusquely tell them to ‘just calm down!’.

Well a few years ago that was me.  Every.single.day.  I couldn’t understand how my kids could make me feel so angry. But also, how incapable I was at dealing with their emotional moments in a more compassionate way.  I mean, I would never speak to my friends or colleagues the way I spoke to my kids some days.

When you shout at your kids or say things you don’t want to say, you may drink a lot of gin or go to bed crying, feeling embarrassed, ashamed, exhausted, helpless, frustrated and possibly as if you just want to give up.  After all, these children were gifted to our care!

We understand their pasts and incredibly challenging life events they have dealt with. But sometimes in the heat of the moment or on a really bad day, it’s so hard to keep that in mind when we’re interacting with them and dealing with their big feelings and behaviours.

The Podcast LAUNCH

I launched FizzyKids: The Podcast to help share my quest to transform my parenting language and the approach I’ve taken with my fizzy, adopted kids. I hope my story will help others. My experiences to re-learn my parenting skills might benefit other parents and carers.

You see we all have ‘core scripts’* learnt during our childhood. They are embedded in our day-to-day interactions with our children, so it feels natural for us to use phrases and voice tones with our kids that are familiar to us from our own upbringing. We do this even if we know our kids may have different needs than us.

But do these phrases work? In particular, do they work with fizzy kids who are more sensitive or emotional than their peers and taking longer to develop their emotional maturity due to their adverse childhood experiences or learning difficulties?

Parenting Language

After years of trying different strategies, I decided to set about re-learning my parenting language and the approach I take with my fizzy kids.  What I really learnt was that parenting them differently has allowed me to re-discover the parts of my character that I most like. Being kind and respectful EVEN whilst parenting.  It has also meant that I’m starting to become the parent that my kids need me to be.

I read a couple of books that really opened my eyes to this. ‘Why Can’t my Child Behave?’ by Dr Amber Elliot and ‘The Unofficial Guide to Adoptive Parenting’ by Sally Donovan.  Both books offer amazing insights into the mind of a traumatised child and I was inspired to try and change my parenting approach and language.

We were going through an incredibly difficult period with our two adopted boys. A combination of moving house and starting school had left us in a tailspin and after one incredibly challenging weekend, I decided we had to stop, re-set and find a new way of improving our family dynamics.

That was almost two years ago, and if I reflect on the journey we’ve been on, this is what I have learnt:

Better parents

Transforming our parenting language and approach, if nothing else, has made us feel like better parents (well…..most days!). That may sound self-absorbed, but it had to be the starting point. We were drowning in a sea of guilt and shame around not being adequate parents for our kids and their needs.  It turns out that the phrase about putting your own lifejacket on first really is true.

Acceptance and Empathy

Parenting our kids differently has put acceptance and empathy at the heart of our family life. We’re not perfect, and frequently forget what our kids have been through, but the language we use helps to focus our thoughts and hearts on what they need.

Learning a new language

Learning a new language allowed me to do respectful and mindful parenting before I actually felt like I was being more respectful and mindful. The behaviours I was seeing were so challenging that during difficult moments I still struggled to remember why they were acting this way.  But at least I had some tools to use that meant I was coming across differently and supporting them through those moments.

Practise

Practising and (im)perfecting the new language and approach has allowed me to move from self-criticism to being self-critiquing of my parenting skills. I know I will never be perfect, but at least I’m constantly on the lookout to improve and be the parent my kids need me to be.

The first season of podcasts (six, weekly episodes), shares the good, the bad and the ugly parts of learning to parent differently; things that have worked and things that haven’t.  The episodes propose new ways to speak to and interact with the Angry Child, Anxious Child, Rude Child and several others.

In the second season, my plan is to open up the podcast to inspiring parents and carers and professionals who are happy to have a good old chinwag about the ups and downs of parenting fizzy kids!

You can find us on all good podcast platforms (Apple, Spotify, Google, Overcast etc.). Do tell us what you think as we would love some feedback.

I do hope you enjoy the show. One thing I promise is that I won’t tell you to CALM DOWN…

*(Zach Gomm, Great Behaviour Breakdown Course – if you haven’t been on it, then Fizzy Husband and I would recommend it!)

Click here to read more parenting articles.

The review is written by the wonderful Ali whose Instagram account is utterly brilliant. She shares what it’s like to be an adoptive parent in such an open and honest way, documenting the incredible highs and crushing lows of her experience. If you don’t follow her already, you definitely should.

A-Z of Therapeutic Parenting

If I had a penny for the number of Google searches I’d done for strategies to support a range of behaviours my son exhibits, I’d be a very rich women.

As a mum of two through adoption, I’m always researching and reading. I’d message other parents I’ve got to know on Instagram, asking if their children had experienced similar things. The answer was yes and one of the recommendations was this book.

When I read the “Basics” chapter, I had a lightbulb moment. Was Sarah describing my son? Soon I realised that a lot of children who’ve experienced trauma and neglect, can (not always) have very similar behaviour traits. Obviously, they come in all different shapes and sizes. But all those behaviours were what I couldn’t quite describe, because sometimes I just couldn’t find the words Sarah has.

As the title suggests, it’s an A-Z. It’s something you can read from beginning to end, or dip in and out. You can listen to it as an audio book too. My husband did this as he has severe dyslexia.

I would say the A-Z works better in book form as it’s something I refer to over and over again. I’m the parent of a child with developmental trauma. They can appear completely normal, then, at the flick of a switch they can change. Or things can get subtly worse over time. Because it’s an A-Z, you can quickly flick to a type of behaviour and read why they might be displaying it and what you can do about it.

Learning tool for schools

I sent a link to the school to read and use the book to help them with my son. I don’t think read it to be honest, but it might have saved them on a number of occasions if they had.

It’s important to note that this book doesn’t solve behaviour complexities. What it does do is gives you tools to enhance a therapeutic relationship with your child.

I don’t manage therapeutic parenting all the time. I’m probably 35% there, I’m aiming for 50%. A lot of the changes come from you as a person and a parent. Your child won’t change overnight. In fact if my son did, I’d be seriously concerned that he was putting on a show.

Sarah uses an analogy of our children as car drivers, except no one has taught them how to drive. They’ve tampered with the brakes and stamped on the accelerator to make it speed off. And now everyone is blaming our children for crashing into things, for being too fast, damaging things or hurting people.

She goes on to say that we can teach our children how to use the handbrake and manage the steering. But we need to be right next to them, helping them to cope with their fear.

Sarah is a mum through adoption too. She really gets it. I’d recommend this book to any family, especially those who’ve become a family through adoption. I’d also recommend it as a book for prospective adopters and teaching staff.

You can buy “The A-Z of Therapeutic Parenting” from most book shops, including Amazon and Waterstones. This is an affiliate link to Amazon. That means if you click on the link to the book and buy it, I get paid a fee from Amazon.

If you enjoyed reading this article, why not buy me a coffee to show your support for the magazine? If you’d like to read more articles about adoption, head over to the home page and have a look at what’s new.

First Steps in Parenting the Child Who Hurts: Tiddlers and Toddlers written by Caroline Archer

This book has been high on my reading list for the last three months. It was recommended by our social worker, Adoption UK, adoptive parents, and the adoption community on Instagram. After reading it in all of two days, I can absolutely see why. This is a ‘must have’ book that my husband and I will have on the shelf to reference at all times when our little one comes home.

Caroline Archer’s book is an easy read but is heavy on the proactive strategies any adoptive parent will need to use when raising and nurturing their insecurely attached child. The book covers all things about attachment disorder, neuro-hormones, brain development, and attunement. It was fascinating from start to finish.

Caroline somehow manages to translate factual and scientific jargon into a playful description of the kind of behaviours your child may display. She uses specific scenarios such as emotional dysregulation, sleeping issues, and tantrums, and then provides simple, to-the-point steps, advising how best to support and coach your child through these difficult times.

The best bits

The best bits for me were the bits I wasn’t expecting. I was fascinated learning about how to stimulate infant movement in physically underdeveloped children and also the importance of synchronic attunement between the primary caregiver and child (yes…it’s a thing!). This book has fully equipped me for life as a therapeutic parent.

The book itself is a slim read. It’s spatially laid out with the odd doodle, and is a modern, attractive book that even the non-reader will enjoy. There are literally no negatives that I can write about. It’s important to note that this book is specifically aimed at infants and toddlers. Caroline has written a book for older children which follows on nicely.

“First Steps in Parenting the Child Who Hurts: Tiddlers and Toddlers” is available to buy from Waterstones and Amazon. These are affiliate links which means if you click on them and buy the book, I get paid a fee from Waterstones or Amazon.

Head over to the book review section to read about more adoption and parenting books.

If you’ve not come across it before, “Theraplay is a child and family therapy for building and enhancing attachment, self-esteem, trust in others, and joyful engagement. It is based on the natural patterns of playful, healthy interaction between parent and child and is personal, physical, and fun. Theraplay interactions focus on four essential qualities found in parent-child relationships: Structure, Engagement, Nurture, and Challenge.” (source: Beacon House )

Theraplay

My husband and I brought our little boy home this year. We have a four-year-old daughter too so play has always been a big part of our family life. When we were being linked with our little man, we learnt about his additional short and long term needs. We quickly understood that Theraplay, not play therapy, would be beneficial for him as he grows up.

Theraplay was introduced to us in our adoption preparation training at our agency. We were invited into the Theraplay room and were met with heaps of balloons, foam obstacles, toys, musical instruments and more. We felt like big kids. And it was amazing.

As prospective adopters, we were guided through Theraplay activities by the social worker and got hands on. One I remember clearly is called the balloon bounce. It was explained as an activity to ground emotions, create control and encourage attachment.

My husband and I sat across from each other and took it in turns to bounce the balloon to each other. My husband directed which part of my body he wanted me to bounce the balloon back with.

We quickly began to become fascinated by Theraplay. As part of our learning journey I explored books, videos and research papers on the benefits for adopted children. We wanted to be prepared for when our little man came home.

Using Theraplay to build attachment

A few weeks after our little man came home, we began to realise that he was avoiding eye contact. Using our research we looked into Theraplay activities to encourage eye contact between parent and child. We tried activities like ‘hide and seek’. I would sit him on my knee and hide his dummy up his top. As he looked at me for help to find it, I guided his hands using my touch to find his dummy. When he found it we celebrated with clapping and cheering. Gradually he began to make more eye contact with us.

A few months ago I became a volunteer for a focus group for Beacon Family Services. It was a Theraplay focus group which met twice. We were presented with a pack of Theraplay cards to use at home. Each day I would let my daughter choose one for us to do.

A favourite was the ‘blow me over’ which was brilliant for regulating emotion. When either of my children are emotionally dysregulated, I use this. After shifting them to a calmer mindset, I ask them to take deep breaths and blow me over as hard as they can. When they blow, I fall back and scream playfully.

Sensory integration

More recently, I’ve been monitoring my son and his sensory integration. I noticed that he struggles to process his emotions when feeling certain senses or when doing certain activities such as brushing his hair, stroking his back and using cotton wool on his face. This would often cause him to become very distressed.

Using the Theraplay cards and our adoption training materials, I found activities that would help him become more comfortable and familiar with touch. This was important so that I was able to soothe him when he’s distressed.

A great example of one of the activities is called the weather map. Our son is preverbal so cannot understand the words I say yet. However, my tone of voice and consistent speaking helped in this activity. I held him on my knee and began talking to him in a soothing voice. On his back I drew the weather – a sun because it was sunny outside. I explained this to him and began to ‘pitter patter’ on his back because it was raining yesterday.

At first, he was uncomfortable with this. But the more we did it, the more he became familiar with the touch. This is an activity I also use on my daughter when she becomes hyper and needs to calm down for bedtime.

Family activities

Although my daughter isn’t adopted and hasn’t experienced any trauma, doing the Theraplay activities with her little brother has been so helpful. It has been a family activity that we all do together and has helped her build a stronger bond with little man. She often asks to use one of the cards with her brother and even suggests that mummy blows her over when she notices I’m feeling stressed – success!

Theraplay is completely adult led. For ambivalently attached children who need control, this can be very difficult but there are activities where control is given through turn taking. It’s commonly used to help attachment, help children process trauma and to handle their emotions. Our little man is very young and there is a common misconception that Theraplay is for older children.

Theraplay can be accessed through the Adoption Support Fund is used a lot of children when they’re older. However, using it early on with our little man has been so beneficial. We do it every couple of days and an activity takes as long as my children want to do it for. It can be ten minutes or half an hour. It’s helped my husband and I build a bond with our son and helped him to feel more comfortable with eye contact. He’s now more welcoming with physical touch for soothing. It can be as simple as using household items for activities and researching them on the internet.

The key is to be playful. Any adopter will know the power of play in helping children heal and handle their trauma, grief and emotions. It’s a tool that shouldn’t be underestimated and one that we have built into our family life and routine as it’s benefitted both of our children.

Click here to read more parenting articles

The book gives an insight into the baffling, dynamic, and often messy world of parenting children who’ve suffered trauma in their early lives. Sally combines the knowledge of what she’s learned in training courses with her experience of parenting two traumatised children. She provides realistic advice about how to be good enough in responding to the daily challenges of adoptive parenting.

This is what mummyb2020 had to say about it:

Things I love about the book

1. It tells it as it is. Nothing about parenting adopted children is sugar-coated. It’s explained in a very real and practical way.
2. So many practical tips and examples of therapeutic parenting, all doused in humour and encouraging self-acceptance of our natural human flaws.
3. The comedic style of writing which helps with every gut-wrenching page.
4. It helps you to step into what a day in a child’s little brain must be like. Where you can’t help but empathise despite the difficulties of parenting.
5. Having a biological child myself, I would find this book useful for parenting tips regardless!

Key themes 

• Self-acceptance that we’re only human
• the importance of ‘self-care’ throughout which is mentioned in almost every chapter and page
• the sheer difference in parenting adoptive and birth children
• don’t sweat the small stuff

So, if you’re looking for an easy-to-read guide to parenting adopting children from someone who’s been through it, this is the book for you.

“The Unofficial Guide to Adoptive Parenting: The Small Stuff, The Big Stuff and the Stuff In Between” by Sally Donovon are available to buy from Waterstones and Amazon. You can find out about all of the books Sally’s written on her website.

This review contains affiliate links. That means if you click on the links in the article to any of the books, and then buy them, I get paid a fee from Amazon or Waterstones.

Click here to read more book reviews.

Dr Mason is based in the Midlands and together with her colleague, runs Roots Psychology Group. The practice provides treatment and training to support children and young people. Click here for full details of the services they provide.

Developmental Trauma

Developmental Trauma occurs when an individual is exposed to multiple traumatic events with an impact on immediate and long-term outcomes.​ When complex trauma occurs in childhood, with early onset,​ is chronic and prolonged,​ within the family (interpersonal) and has an impact on development, this can result in developmental trauma​. As a result of these experiences it can create attachment difficulties.

Children with attachment difficulties have had difficult early experiences and as a result they may have developed core beliefs about themselves, other people and the world. For example, ‘I am bad’ or ‘I am unlovable’ – ‘You will be unreliable’, ‘You will abandon me’ ‘the world is not safe’.

These core beliefs are easily stirred during typical parenting scenarios; such as being asked to tidy up, being told to wait for attention, going off to school or to bed. The behaviours that these children demonstrate get tangled up with the core fears they hold about themselves. If not mindful of this then traditional behavioural strategies can reinforce these core fears, further increasing insecurity and leading to increased challenging behaviour.

For example time-out or the “Naughty Step” is a traditional method of helping a child learn to manage their behaviour whereby the child is placed apart from the parent for a period of time. Imagine, however, how easily this might trigger fears of ‘you do not love me’ and ‘you will leave me’ for a child who holds deeply entrenched fears of being abandoned.

The child learns not that their behaviour is naughty, but that they are naughty – their behaviour and sense of self is interwoven. This leads to increased distress that the child then struggles to communicate, and therefore is expressed in even more challenging behaviour.

Traditional parenting

Think about how we traditionally exert influence on children. We tend to try and correct their behaviour through traditional methods such as time in/out, ignoring, rewards, problem solving, explaining, reasoning, grounding, subtraction of privileges, distraction/diversion. These methods are based on social learning theory – the idea that children will increase or decrease their behaviours though rewards and punishment. Correction (not punishment) in this context is the idea that parents can guide their children to behave in ways considered acceptable, fitting in with parents values and beliefs as well as cultural norms

Securely attached children have an experience of being loved unconditionally – they know they are loved even if things go a bit wrong sometimes. They trust and believe in emotional connection and although they may resist correction, they are more likely to accept it because they have built a secure base with their caregiver. They’ve therefore developed the solid foundations to feel safe enough to trust that their caregivers have their best intentions at heart.

Children who have been hurt, rejected, neglected and/or experienced separation and loss of parents early in life do not have an emotionally secure base. For these children, the social learning-based approaches are less helpful because they are centrally focused on behaviour, and therefore less focused on building trust and security with parents (connection).

Insecure children are not organised by Social Learning Theory. They are organised by increasing their sense of safety and security so will behave in ways which help them achieve this and we may therefore see illogical or aggressive behaviour. Therefore, when parenting children with attachment disorder the focus needs to be more on connection to build security and trust BEFORE we can correct behaviour

Attachment focused parenting combines the social learning ideas of traditional parenting interventions with ideas more centrally focused on building emotional security and helping children to heal from past trauma and loss. This parenting tends to focus on building security through higher levels of warm and empathic nurturing, greater attention to emotionally connecting with the child, and helping the child to experience love that is unconditional alongside the behavioural management that is always going to be a core part of parenting children.

Trauma and the brain

Developmental trauma can have a significant impact on the brain both psychologically and physically.

We all have a “social monitoring system” in our brain which detects how safe we are in a given environment. For children with early trauma their system is sensitized by early experience of maltreatment and so their development is organised around a central nervous system that’s prepared for danger​.

The brain develops from the bottom up – at the bottom we have the brain stem which is vital for survival and controls our automatic responses e.g. breathing, temperature control, heart rate, hunger, sleep etc. The brain stem is fully developed from birth and is not experience dependant.

Our mid-brain or Limbic area is our brains “smoke detector” and houses our Amygdala which controls our fight flight system – it’s our emotional centre and connects high and low parts of the brain​ alerting us to any threats and helping us to react to them.

The last area of the brain to develop and the most crucial part in the context of trauma is the Cortex. A fully developed Cortex allows a person to develop highly skilled abilities such as the ability to reflect, be able to think in an abstract way, to make decisions, plan, problem solve and reason. It is also related to memory, attention and impulse control.

This part of the brain is experience dependant which means in order for it to fully mature and develop, it relies on the caregiver to provide the infant with positive experiences of the world. Safe and supportive interactions with other people and experience of themselves​ through empathic, nurturing relationships.

Negative experiences

Negative experiences impair brain development. Children who experience frightening parenting ​become “amygdala driven”. ​ When a child perceives or is on the lookout for danger persistently, this causes higher and prolonged levels of cortisol to be present in the bloodstream, resulting in toxic stress. This may cause the prefrontal cortex to be underdeveloped. The result doesn’t just change brain functioning. It can actually change the brain structurally too.

​Trauma effects our ability to think – it shuts it down​. The typical child will spend little time focused on survival and can devote most of their waking time to cognition and social-emotional functioning. For a child who has experienced developmental trauma, the majority of the brain’s attention is focused on survival, leaving little left for cognition and social relationships.​ They become more concerned with staying alive and so become more brain stem driven essentially “closing off” higher functioning areas of the brain.

The child becomes highly alert for signs of rejection, anger and abandonment. They may walk into a room and immediately feel threatened. This explains why some children may react intensely and misinterpret neutral facial expressions, body language and language of others as being threatening.

Concept of shame

Shame is a complex emotion that develops later than the development of more straightforward emotions such as anger, joy or sadness. Usually around the same time that parents are providing more boundaries and discipline because children are becoming more mobile​ and need this to keep them safe. Shame is uncomfortable for children who learn to limit behaviours that induce it.

We all need appropriate doses of shame and children require support and reassurance to help them manage this. Shame is protective and helps children to learn socially acceptable behaviour to develop relationships.​ Eventually through support and guidance, shame tends to be short lived and the child will quickly move from shame to guilt which in turn moves children into a position where they wish to make amends ​and be open to repairing the relationship.

​Children need boundaries and behaviour needs to be corrected. However, it’s vital that a relationship is repaired by the caregiver after these corrections have been put in place. Children who don’t experience this repair will experience unregulated shame that overwhelms them and becomes toxic.

If children are continually punished and the caregiver does not communicate with the child that despite there being a slight break in the relationship “we are still ok”, this can lead to shame becoming part of their core-identity. “I am a shameful/bad person”, this leads to chronic anger (defensiveness) and controlling behaviours – they feel alienated and defeated and never quite good enough to belong.

As a result, children experience difficulty regulating emotion and thinking rationally (cortex area of the brain) and are thus unable to respond flexibly or to control impulses. Brain areas shut down to protect them from these painful feelings.

Children therefore need to develop defences against overwhelming shame. They may lie, blame others or minimise what’s happened in order to avoid accepting their reality that they are innately “bad”. If they become so terrified, they will display aggressive physical behaviour. Traditional behavioural management strategies served to a child who has an overwhelming sense of shame will only increase this shame.​ If caregivers are able to connect with a child’s emotional experience this will help regulate shame.​ As anxieties, worries and fears are understood, these defensive behaviours start to reduce.​ Connection before correction reduces shame and improves behaviour.​

Therapeutic parenting

Kim Golding, is a Clinical Psychologist in the UK who further developed Dan Hughes’ parenting programme adopting the attitude of PACE. She talks about therapeutic parenting being that which provides healing from trauma as well as behavioural support.

It’s a dual task of building trust and providing boundaries and discipline. It’s not the same as therapy but is more of an attitude, a way of being rather than a strategy or technique that you can turn on and off when needed. These children have experienced prolonged trauma that has shaped them over time and created a blueprint for how they see the world.

An analogy we use in our training is that when you’re a child, you learn to ride a bike through repetition and practice. Eventually this becomes second nature – you don’t need to think about the ‘how’s’ any more you just subconsciously know.

In this context, with children who have learned that the world and the people in it are frightening, when we are offering caring, sensitive parenting, it’s like we’re trying to ask them to “unlearn” how to ride that bike. Its alien to them. This way of relating to the world is all they’ve known and has become part of who they are. Iit’s not a quick and easy task.

A therapeutic parenting approach we use is PACE which stands for Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity and Empathy. Developed by Dan Hughes in the United States, PACE is a central component within Dyadic Developmental Psychotherapy (DDP). It’s an attitude to help parents connect with their children. Through a playful, highly accepting, curious and empathic approach, care givers can more deeply connect with their child’s internal experience. This is the foundation for healthy relationships and the development of attachment security.

PACE focuses on the whole child, not simply the behaviour. It helps children be more secure with adults and reflect upon themselves, their thoughts, feelings and behaviour. The child discovers that they are not “bad” and that trust can be developed in a relationship and enjoyment in that relationship can be reciprocal.

Playfulness

A playful attitude conveys optimism that things can change.​ It demonstrates that the child is experienced positively as the caregiver experiences a joyful fascination with the child.​ We can notice the strengths and uniqueness of the child and take pleasure in these.​

By sharing giggles and laughter we can be mindful of the joy of parenting and the child experiences the relationship as unlike past experiences, with unconditional acceptance.​ The child experiences having a positive impact on the other person which builds to provide experience of reciprocal enjoyment within the family.​

Acceptance

This is about accepting and not evaluating wishes, thoughts, feelings, beliefs and desires of the child.​ Acceptance means becoming aware of and understanding the inner life of another without trying to change it or coat it with our own ideas about the situation.

By accepting a child’s feelings (no matter how seemingly out of context/proportion they are) demonstrates that their inner life is safe with the caregiver. We are not judging, nor trying to change this inner experience. ​ By accepting we are also reducing shame​.​

Curiosity

Curiosity is an attitude of not knowing. It’s a tentative wondering coming out of the experience of child.​ It’s the search for alternative stories about events, conversations and actions.

​If we’re not curious, we make rapid judgements leading to non-reflective action which can shut down our ​relationship with another. And quite often means we get a completely different story to that of the child because we have put our own judgements on it.

Empathy

Empathy is the ability to “feel” with someone. With empathy, when the child is sad or in distress, the adult is feeling the sadness and distress as well and communicates that they know how difficult this experience is and that they are there to support them through it.

Through empathy we build relationships and make connections.​ When we express empathy, we are expressing our understanding of the other.​ The adult is also communicating strength, love and commitment, with confidence that sharing the child’s distress will not be too much. Together they will get through it.

As much as we’d like to, we can’t directly change a child’s experience, or the way it is communicated through language or behaviour. But what we can do is change our response to it.​ If caregivers respond differently, over time they will notice the child change the way they behave or communicate.​

It can be difficult to maintain a PACE-ful stance all of the time and caregivers need to exercise some self-compassion at times when parenting is hard. If caregivers can adopt the stance of PACE most of the time, they can reduce the intensity of conflict, defensiveness and withdrawal that tends to be ever present in the lives of developmentally traumatised children. Using PACE enables the caregiver to see the strengths and positive features that are so often masked by negative and challenging behaviour.

Through PACE and feeling safer, children learn to rely on adults, particularly their parents, and trust them to truly know them. They learn that their parents can look after them in a way that they could never do on their own.

Recommended Reading for adults

Everyday Parenting with Security and Love: Using PACE to Provide Foundations for Attachment, Kim S. Golding, London and Philadelphia, Jessica Kingsley Publishers, 2017*

Creating Loving Attachments: Parenting with PACE to Nurture Confidence and Security in the Troubled Child, by Kim S. Golding and Daniel A. Hughes. Jessica Kingsley Publishers, 2012*

To read more parenting articles, click here. If you’re looking for books to help younger children understand and manage their emotions, this book guide written by Jenna from Mumernity is a great place to start.  We’ve already got Ruby’s Worry which we’ve found really helpful. I’m definitely going to buy Tiger Has a Tantrum as our youngest’s tantrums are off the scale at the minute.

If you’d like to read more about how our brains work and affect our emotions, A Box Full of Joy has some great posts about this. Nicole has over 10 years of teaching experience and has created resources for parents (and schools) to help support children manage big feelings like anxiety.

This post includes affiliate links for the books. That means if you click on the link to the book, and then buy it, I get paid a fee from Amazon.

Introduce yourself and your family

We are Team Fanshawe. It’s a term we use a lot, to help the boys realise that regardless of where we started our lives, we are a Team! I’m married to Ed and we adopted our two boys, J and P, back in 2013. We also have an adopted cat called Tigger – the joke was always that if we could make it work for a cat, we could make it work for kids!

What area of the UK do you live in?

We live in Hampshire, having moved here from South Yorkshire in 2016

Was your agency a local authority or voluntary agency?

We worked with a local authority to secure the adoption.

Did you read any adoption stories before you started? If so where? (eg blog, Instagram, books)

We met with other adopted couples before we started. We also went to a few events that the local authority held to help get a better idea of what it was all about. If I am honest, we really knew nothing about it. We were both professionals at the time in the private sector and had very little knowledge of anything to do with social services or the kinds of issues facing children who may be placed for fostering and adoption.

What was your biggest worry before you started?

Looking back, our biggest worries at the start were about the process itself. Would we be accepted as an adoptive couple? Would we have to appeal if they said no? Would they think the bedroom we had was ok? Would they mind if we had a cat and a fireplace?!

It’s so funny thinking about that now. We are the most vanilla and boring couple and I don’t think there was a chance they would have said no! But at that stage it all feels so new and unknown.

How long did the process take from the point of deciding you wanted to adopt to your child(ren) coming home?

It felt pretty quick. We attended an event in the January, then by May we had been appointed a Social Worker. By the December of the same year we had been approved and early in January we were matched with J. And by April he was living with us.

I always said it was ‘around a year’ as that what it felt like. Although some parts of it felt a bit laborious, our lovely Social Worker always said that she ‘just wanted to get it right for us and our child in the future’. She dug deep and asked lots of questions, but I can see now that she wanted to be certain we up to the task.

What age and number of children were you approved for? Were you matched to a different age or number of children from this?

We agreed to one child under three years old, but said that we were happy to be matched to a child where there was a high possibility of a sibling. This is exactly what happened. When we were matched to J, we were unaware that his birth mother had just given birth to a younger brother, P. At the time of J coming to live with us, we knew there was a possibility we may get a call regarding his brother, and sure enough that happened three months later.

How did the matching process work? Did you look at lots of profiles?

Our Social Worker said she thought she had a perfect match. Regardless, she still brought three profiles with her that day. We only looked at the top one and knew straight away that J was wonderful. We didn’t even look at his photo to start with, just read his profile.

I remember my husband saying ‘but what’s wrong with him?’! It was an innocent and loving question, meaning that how could anyone possibly fail to care for this gorgeous and loving child. As it turns out, J has lots of additional needs that require our love and care, but that doesn’t make him in anyway less fabulous than the day we first found out about him.

Obviously, the match with our youngest child, P, was something we agreed without knowing anything! We read his profile and wanted to understand how his life story was different to J’s (J went into foster care at nine months, P was only a few days old), but we knew we wanted to keep the siblings together.

What has been the most difficult part about the process?

The most difficult part started when J started school, as that was when we realised he had some quite significant learning difficulties. And then again when P started school we realised that his attachment difficulties were a huge challenge for him daily. This coincided with us needing to move for work reasons and the upheaval of moving house, school, nursery, car etc. was enormous! We now joke that ‘we are never moving again’!

My two kids need so much love and support every day. Raising a child is a great task; raising children with additional needs requires a Herculean effort; and raising children with additional needs AND trauma requires some kind of outer-universe powers! I am working on the latter still….!

Also, the trauma bond between siblings cannot be underestimated. It makes life really challenging at home. If they’re not fighting us, then they’re fighting each other. Stress levels are high and it takes every ounce of energy to keep everyone regulated. I have had to give up work to care for them – I know it won’t be forever, but right now it was what was needed to keep our family together.

But goodness do I love them, even though they drive me crazy! I definitely drink more wine and have a lot more grey hairs, but if life is about experiences, then this is one heck of one!!

Have you needed to access additional help and support from your agency since your child came home? If so, what and did it meet your needs?

Yes, we’ve tapped into the Adoption Support Fund a lot. Thank goodness they’ve agreed to keep it going in 2020. It’s been a lifeline.

And we also switched Social Workers – this is key. Find a social worker that works well with your family. They’re a critical support link, and sometimes things just don’t click. You really need them on your side.

What has been your best memory since your children came home?

Watching them learn. I never knew the joy I could have from watching my kids learn. I’m not really talking about reading and maths. I mean the fact that from day one we took them to the beach and put them in the sea and now they can both bodyboard and are trying out open-water swimming and surfing.

I mean that J can now make his own salad dressing just from watching and listening to me (I had no idea he knew until I heard him teaching my Mum the other day!). I mean that they repeat therapeutic parenting phrases that I say over and over like ‘I can see you’re angry right now’ when talking to others!

We’re playing the long-game. Every day is so challenging, but I am their greatest advocates. I believe they will make it through and be awesome members of society even if others look sideways at them or dismiss them. I have to believe it, otherwise I wouldn’t keep getting up in the morning.

If you could go back and have a conversation with yourself about the process before you started, what would you tell yourself?

I recently read an article by an adoptee who said that they would like adoptive parents to be psychologically ready for their adoptive children before they turn up. I would love to think that I did this from day one. But I didn’t. And I’m not even sure if it’s possible.

I mean, despite ante-natal classes, do birth mothers REALLY know what they’re in for?! What if their own children have learning difficulties or emotional issues? I’m not sure they teach that! So I wouldn’t be too hard on myself for those first few years when I was learning to parent.

Also, although I wouldn’t change anything, these kids require so much 1-2-1 support – you have to be absolutely clear that if you adopt more than one child things are likely to be incredibly tough. They are incredibly tough with just one, but the dynamics won’t be there and you won’t be managing the relationship as well as the individual. Of course there are pros and cons to both, but it’s worth thinking really hard about that.

First published 9th December 2019