Thankfully, lockdown is a distant memory and hopefully something we’ll never have to repeat. However, finding activities and games that help us connect as a family is always on my radar so, I thought it was a good time to re-share our review of Beacon Family Services resource packs as the games are a lovely, simple way of reconnecting and having fun together. 

My girls are ten and six now and we still use the cards a lot. Our youngest has started to get the “Simon Says” card out when she wants to play with someone. She hasn’t quite grasped the concept of the game yet, but she loves getting us all to do what Simon says.

Living in uncertain times

The past 12 months have been extremely difficult for a lot of us. Uncertainty about the future. Fear of loved ones becoming seriously ill with the virus. Worries about money and jobs. Wondering whether life will ever get back to any kind of normality. All these things have taken up a lot of space in our minds.

Lockdown has meant that we’ve been spending a lot more time at home. Under normal circumstances, extra family time is something we cherish. But lockdown hasn’t been normal. It’s been far, far from it.

I think my family’s experience of the last 12 months is probably quite common. We’ve enjoyed a lot of the extra time we’ve had together. But there have been some really difficult times. Our eldest daughter has struggled to understand why she can’t go out and play with her friends. Or hug her cousins, or her gran and grandma. She’s seven and doesn’t understand what the virus is. For her, it’s something that stopped her from feeling safe and being able to do lots of the things she enjoys.

There’s been so much for her to process. She’s often struggled to do this, which manifests itself in her getting angry. This has, at times, meant we’ve been feeling disconnected as a family. She’s usually very open and talks to me what’s bothering her, but we’re living in unprecedented times and she’s often not been able to articulate how she’s feeling. I’d been looking for some resources to use to try injecting a bit of fun and laughter into our days which would also help both our girls feel safe and secure.

Games to help you connect

I was delighted when I was asked if we’d like to try out the “Games to help you connect” resources which have been developed by Beacon Family Services, as they seemed to fit the bill in terms of what I was looking for.

The resources are a poster and cards which have been designed with the work of Dr Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory and Theraplay-based games and activities in mind. The idea is to use playful activities to help children and their families identify the relationship between how they’re feeling and their behaviours.

The poster helps to explore feelings and identify when you’re feeling ok, and when you’re not. The cards have different games on each one, with an explanation on the back of how to play the game and what the benefits are.

Dealing with big feelings

I’ve been doing some work with our eldest to help her better understand the connection with how she’s feeling and how that sometimes makes her behave. I understand that her feelings about lockdown and the virus are often causing her to be angry, but she doesn’t. That scared her and sometimes caused her to become withdrawn and disconnected from us. The book I’d been using was good, but it didn’t really engage her for long.

I decided to try the cards out one evening when I could see eldest was starting to become dysregulated when she’d been asking when she’d be able to see her cousins and give them a hug. It manifested itself in anger and being mean towards her little sister. To start off with, I suggested they play Row the Boat together. The card suggests it’s a good game to do when your child’s struggling so it seemed a good choice in the circumstances. It’s a game I’ve played often with both of them, but they haven’t really played it together.

Within a couple of minutes, the anger between them had disappeared and they were in fits of laughter as they pulled faces at each other singing the song. As that had gone down well, I decided to try another game.

Simon Said

I read the names of the games out and our eldest picked Simon Said. This game is designed to help a child feel safe.

It’s not a game we’ve played before, (I’m not entirely sure why because I used to love it when I was a kid) and I was a little bit nervous because our eldest can be quite hard on herself if she gets things wrong. I was concerned about how she’d respond if she moved without me saying “Simon Said”, given she’d been on the brink of a meltdown a few minutes earlier. The four of us played the game together, with our youngest (she’s almost three) joining in by copying what her sister did.

I was completely amazed at our eldest’s response to this game. We spent a good half hour playing it which is unheard of as one or other of the kids usually gets fed up with a game well before then. There were no tears from her when she got it wrong, just lots and lots of laughter. When she decided she’d had enough of playing it, she’d completely calmed down and was back to her usual happy, laid-back self. The two of them played beautifully together after that until bedtime.

I’ve tried Simon Said a few times since when things are starting to deteriorate with eldest’s behaviour. It’s worked every time to diffuse the situation and has brought her out of her anger and into laughter.

Different games to play

We haven’t tried all of the games yet, but we will over the course of the next few weeks. I’m particularly looking forward to “Count the Crunch” because it involves biscuits! I’ve been really pleased with the results we’ve had so far from using the cards. The games are simple and things we can all do together. They’ve been great tools to use to get us to connect. I think sometimes we miss the simple things when we’re trying to come up with activities. And because most of the games are ones we know, we can do them anytime, even if we don’t have the cards with us.

The poster is also a great tool to use to explore how you and your child are feeling. Letting our children know it’s ok to feel however they are, is so important. It helps them know different feelings are natural and ok.

Managing change

Last week was challenging because our eldest went back to school full-time. She’s been in three days a week since Christmas because I’m a key worker. But she’s been in a different classroom to her usual one, with a different teacher and only one of her friends. Although she’s missed seeing her friends massively, she’s enjoyed being in a smaller group. So, she was very nervous about going back into the bigger class, even though she knew all of the kids.

We used the poster the day before she went back to look at different types of feelings. We talked about how going back to school was making her feel. We’ve done this many times before, but I think having the poster as a visual tool really helped. It seemed to help her understand her feelings better. She liked talking about how the boat was bobbing up and down on the sea.  She said thought that was how she was feeling because she was happy one minute and then worried the next about going back to school.

Games to help you connect: Beacon Family Services

Beacon Family Services is a not-for-profit agency which provides high-quality therapeutic family support. Their focus is providing therapy through fun and play which helps children to build positive and playful connections with their parents and carers. This type of support is particularly beneficial for adopted children following placement with their new family. It’s also great for children who suffer from separation anxiety.

You can read more about the benefits of Theraplay on Beacon Family Service’s website. The site provides a wealth of information and support for new families to develop their relationship, or for established families to repair or rebuild it if things have gone off track. Their services can still be accessed during the pandemic as they’ve moved online. So, if you feel your family needs some help to get back on track, or advice about how to develop your bond and relationship if you’re child has recently come home, it’s a great place to start.

You can also read about Theraplay from a parent’s perspective in this article written by @mollymamaadopt.

We were kindly gifted a set of the “Games to help you connect” cards and the “How are you feeling” poster so that I could write this article. You can buy them from Beacon Family Service’s shop here. £2 from every pack sold goes directly to Adoption UK to support their work.

Playing games have so many benefits for children. If you’re looking for some more inspiration for simple and easy games not just to connect, but to help your child to learn and develop, check out these ideas from We Made This Life.

If you’ve not come across it before, “Theraplay is a child and family therapy for building and enhancing attachment, self-esteem, trust in others, and joyful engagement. It is based on the natural patterns of playful, healthy interaction between parent and child and is personal, physical, and fun. Theraplay interactions focus on four essential qualities found in parent-child relationships: Structure, Engagement, Nurture, and Challenge.” (source: Beacon House )

Theraplay

My husband and I brought our little boy home this year. We have a four-year-old daughter too so play has always been a big part of our family life. When we were being linked with our little man, we learnt about his additional short and long term needs. We quickly understood that Theraplay, not play therapy, would be beneficial for him as he grows up.

Theraplay was introduced to us in our adoption preparation training at our agency. We were invited into the Theraplay room and were met with heaps of balloons, foam obstacles, toys, musical instruments and more. We felt like big kids. And it was amazing.

As prospective adopters, we were guided through Theraplay activities by the social worker and got hands on. One I remember clearly is called the balloon bounce. It was explained as an activity to ground emotions, create control and encourage attachment.

My husband and I sat across from each other and took it in turns to bounce the balloon to each other. My husband directed which part of my body he wanted me to bounce the balloon back with.

We quickly began to become fascinated by Theraplay. As part of our learning journey I explored books, videos and research papers on the benefits for adopted children. We wanted to be prepared for when our little man came home.

Using Theraplay to build attachment

A few weeks after our little man came home, we began to realise that he was avoiding eye contact. Using our research we looked into Theraplay activities to encourage eye contact between parent and child. We tried activities like ‘hide and seek’. I would sit him on my knee and hide his dummy up his top. As he looked at me for help to find it, I guided his hands using my touch to find his dummy. When he found it we celebrated with clapping and cheering. Gradually he began to make more eye contact with us.

A few months ago I became a volunteer for a focus group for Beacon Family Services. It was a Theraplay focus group which met twice. We were presented with a pack of Theraplay cards to use at home. Each day I would let my daughter choose one for us to do.

A favourite was the ‘blow me over’ which was brilliant for regulating emotion. When either of my children are emotionally dysregulated, I use this. After shifting them to a calmer mindset, I ask them to take deep breaths and blow me over as hard as they can. When they blow, I fall back and scream playfully.

Sensory integration

More recently, I’ve been monitoring my son and his sensory integration. I noticed that he struggles to process his emotions when feeling certain senses or when doing certain activities such as brushing his hair, stroking his back and using cotton wool on his face. This would often cause him to become very distressed.

Using the Theraplay cards and our adoption training materials, I found activities that would help him become more comfortable and familiar with touch. This was important so that I was able to soothe him when he’s distressed.

A great example of one of the activities is called the weather map. Our son is preverbal so cannot understand the words I say yet. However, my tone of voice and consistent speaking helped in this activity. I held him on my knee and began talking to him in a soothing voice. On his back I drew the weather – a sun because it was sunny outside. I explained this to him and began to ‘pitter patter’ on his back because it was raining yesterday.

At first, he was uncomfortable with this. But the more we did it, the more he became familiar with the touch. This is an activity I also use on my daughter when she becomes hyper and needs to calm down for bedtime.

Family activities

Although my daughter isn’t adopted and hasn’t experienced any trauma, doing the Theraplay activities with her little brother has been so helpful. It has been a family activity that we all do together and has helped her build a stronger bond with little man. She often asks to use one of the cards with her brother and even suggests that mummy blows her over when she notices I’m feeling stressed – success!

Theraplay is completely adult led. For ambivalently attached children who need control, this can be very difficult but there are activities where control is given through turn taking. It’s commonly used to help attachment, help children process trauma and to handle their emotions. Our little man is very young and there is a common misconception that Theraplay is for older children.

Theraplay can be accessed through the Adoption Support Fund is used a lot of children when they’re older. However, using it early on with our little man has been so beneficial. We do it every couple of days and an activity takes as long as my children want to do it for. It can be ten minutes or half an hour. It’s helped my husband and I build a bond with our son and helped him to feel more comfortable with eye contact. He’s now more welcoming with physical touch for soothing. It can be as simple as using household items for activities and researching them on the internet.

The key is to be playful. Any adopter will know the power of play in helping children heal and handle their trauma, grief and emotions. It’s a tool that shouldn’t be underestimated and one that we have built into our family life and routine as it’s benefitted both of our children.

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