I was almost adopted and my experience in foster care

My early childhood experiences

Warning: this could be triggering.  Content of abuse.

I was in foster care from the age of about four until I was 18. It wasn’t an easy experience. I haven’t read my files although I do know I was in about 10 homes and abused in a few. What I talk about in this article touches on some of my experiences which may give you an idea as a foster care or adoptive parent of some of the issues your children may have gone through.

I am the eldest of three siblings which was always a challenge.  I took on a parenting role for them from when I was about two or three years old. Changing their nappies, feeding them, protecting them from men and people that would be around us.

My birth mum was an alcoholic and drug user. She would have different men around and I saw a lot of things that weren’t appropriate.  We went into a family centre for a period of time but we were removed from her care because she wasn’t able to protect us or meet our needs.  There were signs of abuse even then. 

My memories from this time

I have some memories of the things that happened before we were taken into care. I remember my birth mum burning her head as she washed it in the sink. She had to go into an ambulance. Another memory is a man running after her with a knife, and my sister and I crying behind them.

I remember a man making me get into bed with him while he touched me. And her kissing taxi men and having sex where we lived and her putting a gas bottle in front of the door so we couldn’t get in, though we still could.

I went to a psychiatrist and told them all the things that were happening.  Soon after we were taken into care.  I remember that day.  My sisters and I were taken into a car with police and social workers. I was kicking and swearing at the social workers. 

A lot of this time was a blur although I remember parts.  My younger sister who was 6 months old was separated from us. I worried all the time about her.

Over the next few years, we moved a few times. Then at the age of eight, we went to be adopted.  However, the couple didn’t want me or my sibling. They wanted my youngest sister as she was three and they wanted a baby.  They agreed to take us all, though within a year our adoptive placement changed to a foster placement. 

Controlling behaviour

I was kept away from my sisters. If we went into the garden, we would have to stay out there for hours until the foster carer said we could go in.  We could only eat when she gave us food.  I can remember being so hungry all the time.

I used to wet the bed due to all the abuse and being anxious.  She put nappies on me that didn’t fit so she put sticky tape around it bruising my skin. We weren’t allowed to go to the toilet unless she said we could.  We couldn’t get up in the mornings unless she said we could.  At weekends this could be 11 or after.  Our bedtime was usually about 7pm.

We were left on our own in the house while she went out. We were hit with belts and rulers. I was kicked out of the house a few times and made to sleep in the garage or stand in the garden for hours on end. I think one time it was for five hours at night.

When the male foster carer was home from the Navy, the sexual abuse would start.  I think at that stage it was just me. When I couldn’t take it anymore, I asked to be removed from the home at 12 years old, and it then started with my sisters.

This is only part of what happened in my first 18 years. 

Understanding your child’s behaviour

I’m sharing my experience as a foster child to give foster carers and adopters a better understanding of some of the things that your children may have been through. This kind of experience isn’t always known about, and it may display itself in behaviour as your child starts to feel safe but doesn’t know how to talk about what happened to them.

So, if you’ve got a child of any age, but usually the eldest sibling, who is being motherly or overprotective or doing things for their younger siblings all the time, it may be because they have had to take on a parenting role and doing those things for that younger child because their parents or carer didn’t take on that role.

If they come to you not wanting to make relationships, act defensively or appear moody, it is because they don’t trust people. They’ve had so many people let them down. We know parents are the people who should be protecting children, but for them, they weren’t. They find it hard to build trust as they may not have been taught how to.

Another reason is they will think that they’re going to be taken away again. So why bother building a relationship or trusting people?

When it comes to food and eating it may be that some things trigger their behaviour.  It could be if the fridge or cupboards aren’t full which could be a trigger if they experienced going to bed hungry and had limited access to food so didn’t know when they were going to eat next.

How I can support parents

Those were some of my childhood experiences and I’m passionate about using them, as well as my professional experience, to help foster carers and adopters understand and hear their children so that they can support them in understanding what has happened.

I train foster carers and I am a member of a foster panel. I keep up to date working in different roles in childcare and education. I do this with 121 coaching and mentoring and a group membership at low costs. 

I would love to have a chat with you to see how I can support you and your children have a positive future.

Did you enjoy this article? Why not buy me a coffee to help keep the magazine free for everyone to read? If you’d like to read more articles about adoption and parenting, head over to the home page and have a look at what’s new.

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In this article, Sally shares a bit about her adoption journey, and how she came to be a celebrant. I wish I’d known about adoption naming ceremonies when our children came home as they sound like a wonderful way to embrace everything that’s happened to bring an adoptive family together.

Our adoption journey

For us, the adoption process took a long time. However, from the moment I first saw my daughter jiggling in her foster carer’s arms with excitement, I knew it was all worthwhile.

Yet, despite how magical, joy filled and overwhelming those first few days, weeks and months were, we were strangers to each other.  The joy was mixed with getting to know each other and building our attachment. 

All this took time. It took time to feel like a family and to feel that we belonged together. There were also all the social worker visits, LAC meetings and court proceedings to contend with. So, when the adoption order eventually went through, it felt more like a relief and the end of a process than anything else.

Having stepped off the hamster wheel of the adoption process, we could pause and take a breath. It was then that we realised we wanted to do something special, personal, and unique to us to mark all that we had been through. And to celebrate the creation of our family. I looked to see what options were available but couldn’t find anything suitable. So, I set about writing my own ceremony!

I did lots of research and drew upon our own thoughts, feelings and values to create a beautiful and symbolic ceremony that truly reflected ‘us’.

Adoption naming ceremony

Our adoption naming ceremony was pure joy.  We shared all our hopes and dreams for our daughter and made promises to her, as did our friends who became ‘guide parents’.  Our siblings and even our little nephew read poems, readings and a blessing.  We lit a unity candle with grandparents and foster carer. We celebrated and bestowed our daughter’s name upon her with the children giving out roses to everyone who was present.

My overwhelming memory is of my daughter dancing and twirling with her rapidly drooping rose whilst we sang her favourite song. It was truly the most special of days. And, more, importantly it drew a line under that chapter of our life.  Importantly, it marked and celebrated our new beginning as a family, in a way the court ceremony simply couldn’t.

Social workers often talk about ‘claiming a child’ and that’s what the naming ceremony did for us. It allowed us to ‘claim’ our daughter. After our ceremony, we all felt more at peace and relaxed about our family. She was our daughter, and we were her parents and it felt so right.

We’re a family, and nothing can change that.

That was when the seed of an idea was planted. I want everyone to have the opportunity to celebrate their child and their family in a personal and meaningful way.  One that represents their family’s story, their values, their beliefs and their love. One which celebrates them as individuals as well as a family. That acknowledges and recognises all that they’ve been through and celebrates all they’ve become.

Following my dream

My dream didn’t start to become a reality until eight years later when I became a registrar for the council, carrying out legal marriages. Whilst I loved officiating at ceremonies, I felt something was missing. The ceremonies lacked individuality and, more importantly, any personal connection. I didn’t know the couples I was marrying, meeting the bride just five minutes before she walked down the aisle.

This lack of personal connection made it hard to support the couple effectively on the most important day of their lives. That wasn’t good enough for me.

So, I retrained as an independent celebrant.

I now work with couples and families to create and officiate ceremonies that truly reflect them. They are bespoke and personal and create long lasting and beautiful memories about the most important days of their lives. My greatest love is doing adoption naming ceremonies, as it fulfils my wish from our own naming ceremony.

What is an adoption naming ceremony?

Well, it can be anything you want it to be. But it’s always the most beautiful, personal way to welcome a child into your family. It’s a moment to pause and reflect on:

• all that’s been;
• all that is; and
• all that’s yet to come.

It’s a day and a moment that will create long-lasting and amazing memories. It marks the most momentous of milestones: becoming parents, and becoming a family.

Traditionally, naming ceremonies involve you making promises to your child.  During these promises, you can share with them the love, hopes and dreams that you have for them and the joy you feel to be their parents. You can also include grandparents, friends and family as ‘Guide Parents’, all of whom can make promises too.

You choose the music and readings to be shared. You can include other rituals such as treasure boxes, unity candles, a fingerprint tree, and so on.  If appropriate, you can also share the meaning behind your child’s name and formally bestow it upon them.

The arrival of your child into your life brings so much joy and happiness, it’s only natural to want to celebrate this.  Creating your family through adoption is complicated and has an impact on many people beyond the immediate family.  Space can be made within the ceremony to honour other important adults in your child’s life, such as birth family members, foster carers, social workers, or maybe other loved ones who can’t be with you on the day.

Involving your child

Of course, children are the focal point of the event.  Many children are comfortable taking an active role in their naming day. Depending on their age and ability, there are many ways they can participate in their special ceremony.

An adoption naming ceremony will create a wonderful family memory. I feel strongly that the memories a family creates together help bind them as a unit.  As one of the earliest memories you make together, a naming celebration is a very special one.

I want people to know that an adoption naming ceremony is an option to help them celebrate becoming a family. Because, whenever parenthood comes to you, it’s a miracle. You have this amazing little person in your life. That’s a big deal, so why not celebrate?

I love being a family celebrant, as it combines my love of working with families with my belief that significant milestones in life should be celebrated.  I feel like one of the luckiest people in the world! If you feel this might be right for your family, please do get in touch. I’m happy to travel across the UK to officiate at adoption naming ceremonies.

I can’t wait to hear about all your ideas and plans.

Find out more about Sally and adoption naming ceremonies on her website. You can follow her on Instagram and Facebook.

To find more wonderful small businesses who are supporting adoption, click here.

The post Small Business Spotlight: Sally the Celebrant – Adoption Naming Ceremonies appeared first on We Made a Wish.

That was over seven years ago and things have moved on a lot since then. There’s some wonderful small businesses creating gifts and cards to celebrate that families come together in so many different ways.

Over the next few months, I’m going to be introducing some of these businesses and the wonderful products they sell. First up is Jeanette from The Brave Bear Collection.

I have created a brand called The Brave Bear Collection. This is a collection of jewellery and gifts for those on their journey to parenthood through IVF, Adoption, Surrogacy. It’s also for those struggling to get there. Everything I’ve created has been inspired by reflecting on my own journey to parenthood. And what a journey it was…

After numerous miscarriages, surgeries and a round of IVF which left me terribly poorly, we re-evaluated what it was we were doing. We thought long and hard about why we wanted children. It turned out none of the reasons were for us to create small versions of our genetic selves.

We wanted a family. I wanted to mother and care for a small person. I needed more in my life as it wasn’t complete. My husband wanted to be a dad. He wanted to play. Have a little best friend and go on adventures. So we questioned why we were putting ourselves through that pain.

In November 2018 we attended an adoption evening and that was it. We had found our place in the journey to parenthood.

We found the social worker visits intense. But the whole time you think they are being so intrusive, you just have to have a little word with yourself… they are planning on giving you an actual child so it’s completely justified.

I am a really impatient person so the journey to parenthood as a whole didn’t suit me. However, the adoption process was manageable because we were always working towards the next goal. The next social worker visit, then panel, then matching panel, then family finding.

Our first social worker visit was in November 2018 and we went to approval Panel in March 2019. So for us, the process was quick. I think we were lucky to get a really good and thorough social worker.

After approval panel we looked on Linkmaker and also at a few different sibling sets through our local adoption agency. Then in May we got an email about a baby girl. It was set to be an early permanence placement.

I will never forget the moment I received that email. I just knew. I can still picture myself in my office reading the email. It was like the world had stopped and everything was just happening around me while I read it.

Our social worker came round with her profile and I don’t really remember listening to anything that was being said as I was just looking at her picture on the front of her profile. I couldn’t take my eyes off it.

We went to matching panel and the match was approved. The first time we met was in the waiting room of a hospital as we were able to go with the foster carers to one of her medical appointments. I remember being so nervous on the way there. I didn’t know how to contain my emotions at the thought we could be seeing our child for the first time.

We walked in and she was laid in her pushchair, looking up at me with her beautiful eyes. The foster carer looked at me and just said “you can push her now”. I took the handle and burst into tears. It was such a huge moment that I had waited so long for.

Having to hand her back was one of the hardest things I have ever done. During introductions week we felt the same. It was such a rollercoaster of emotions. By the end of the week it was getting harder and harder to leave her. On the final night my husband turned to me with tears rolling down his face saying he couldn’t leave her. Thankfully we knew it was just one more night.

The day she came home was a mixture of emotions. Taking a baby away from everything they have ever known and people that loved her so much was so hard. Yet taking home the baby we longed for was everything. The male foster carer had been incredibly upset on the day we left. I will always remember him turning back in floods of tears as we left and hugging my husband saying “please take good care of her – I love her”.

As we left the foster carers I handed over some gifts for them and they handed farewell gifts to us. I found it so difficult to know what to buy them. What do you get the person who cared for and loved your child before you even knew them? This is where my business idea began.

When we came home I dressed my daughter in a baby grow I had to get made from ebay and personalised with ‘Wanted. Chosen. Loved. Adopted’. Adoption clothes weren’t a thing.

A few months later we got our final adoption order and were able to have an adoption celebration. There were limited adoption gifts available so I made our daughter a keyring as a keepsake of the day.

After reflecting on our journey to parenthood, I started creating the Brave Bear Collection. I remembered back to the day I found out I couldn’t have children. A friend of mine turned up with a card in which she wrote ‘The greater your storm, the brighter your rainbow’.

She said she didn’t know what to bring or write and hoped it was the right choice of words. It was perfect. It was the most accurate representation of how I feel about our journey. Our storm was long and hard but we never, ever take our daughter for granted. We appreciate every little thing.

This inspired me to create gifts that say the right words, when you don’t know what the right words are. I’ve been there and lived it so I know what would help in that moment. I had to come out of the other side of this journey and reflect on it to start creating the collection.

My business represents the unrepresented. It gives people the right thing to say and gift. At times when you don’t have the words I hope it provides them.

For anyone still on their journey remember nothing worth having comes easy.

My collection is available at www.bravebearcollection.etsy.com

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