Adoption stories: Creating a family-first business

Written by Caroline Wallace, the SEN Business Mum

My journey to motherhood

I never wanted kids.

Life, fun, career came first, and kids just didn’t fit into any of that.

Then the moment hit me, like a steam train.

It was like an overacted scene from a movie. I sat bolt upright in bed, early 40s, a 12-year relationship behind me, realising that if I didn’t do something soon, kids wouldn’t even be an option for me. My ovaries were shouting loudly.

I’ve never had that feeling before. A deep maternal feeling. I had a niece and nephew who I loved dearly, but this was different. I needed to figure out my options (I was single) and fast.

Long story short, IVF on the NHS wasn’t an option; I was too high risk (did I mention I was 42 at the time?). So I decided to go through the adoption route.

I remember attending my first information event. It was full of social workers, adopters who’d been on the journey before me, and lots of couples. I was with my mum.

I sat and listened to the talks, heard people ask lots of questions, then we broke for tea to “mingle”. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. I felt like a fish out of water.

Months went by, and I couldn’t shake this feeling of so desperately wanting to be a mum. So, after having time to digest the information at the last event, I went to another. I was prepared to do this alone. I was prepared to know that I would be surrounded by other people doing it together. But I also knew I had so much to give a child as a single parent.

That was the event where I signed the registration of interest form and started my year-and-a-half journey to becoming a mum.

The adoption rollercoaster

The memories of my adoption journey bring back lots of mixed emotions. I don’t think anyone can ever really prepare you for something like this. The meetings, the paperwork, going over my past with a fine-tooth comb, having some really difficult conversations, and hearing about children who are already in the care system and their life experiences (which was an emotional rollercoaster on its own).

But the more I heard about the children, the more determined it made me to give a child a home.

Then comes the adoption approval panel, answering questions from professionals and previous adopters. The answers I gave and their short but informed decision about me determined whether or not I could be a mum.

Once you’re approved, it’s onto the part of the journey I focused on every single day.

The adoption process: Family finding

This was the bit I was most looking forward to, but the bit I think was least prepared for. Profiles of selected children were shared with me based on information gathered in the first half of my journey. The hardest part for me was declining real, actual children who needed a home. I couldn’t take them all, but I knew that the right one would come along when it was time.

There was heartbreaking disappointment during this part, too. Saying yes and feeling so connected with a child through a small profile, not even knowing their name, and for that to fall through for one reason or another was the hardest part of the entire journey.

Looking back now, of course, I can see that everything happened for a reason, but it’s so hard to reframe it that way when you’re smack bang in the middle of it.

Then S came along, and I instantly knew we were meant to be together (thinking about this still brings tears to my eyes), but that didn’t go smoothly. There were things I had to wait on, further decisions I had to make, until finally, around six months later, after we’d been through intros, I brought him home. The most surreal day of my life.

I remember having a child’s car seat in the back of my car a few days before I left for the 8 or 9 days with his (amazing!) Foster Carer. Then to have a young child in that seat on our journey home together is something I can’t even begin to put into words.

Parenting a child with additional needs

We’re now over five years together, and he is my world. It’s not easy because he has complex additional needs. Not only am I an adoptive mum, but I’m also a special needs mum, and that has turned out to be a very different life from what I imagined my life as a parent would be.

I took the full 12 months off work, and following my adoption leave, I ended up quitting my job and walking away from a salary, so I could be his carer. This was not a difficult decision. I made a promise to him, to the child I imagined right at the beginning of my journey, that they would always come first.

Creating a family-first business

Working for someone else, having a job, just didn’t give me the flexibility I needed to be there for my son in the way he needed and deserved, and still does. So, I set up my own business, The SEN Business Mum. I now help other parents, particularly special needs parents, grow a profitable and sustainable business around family.

I’m an accredited business strategist, and combined with my 20+ years in customer service, I help teach other parents the strategies they need in order to build a family-first business model.

A business they love, a business that gives them financial security, but on their terms, all whilst still being the parent they want to be, instead of having life dictated to them by someone else’s business.

As much as my own adoption journey feels like a dream sometimes, I make sure I still stay connected with the adoption service. We attend yearly events because it’s important to me to surround my son with other children who have been through a similar experience to him. Maybe not so important now, but as he grows older, I’m hoping everything I do now is making his continued journey a little bit easier.

You can find out about The SEN Business Mum from my website, or come and say hello on Instagram.