I started this magazine to share the realities of becoming a parent via adoption. It’s an extremely challenging way to become a parent and although many families become settled and have a positive journey together, some don’t. I’ve published several articles about adoption disruption because it’s something that isn’t talked about enough, particularly during the assessment process.
Anyone thinking about adoption needs to be aware of all sides of the rollercoaster including how difficult it can be when the right support isn’t in place. I’m grateful to Fiona Wells from Our Patch for letting me publish this extremely raw article written by an adopter who shares her experience of not receiving the right support to parent her three children and the heartbreaking consequences of that.
Ellie’s story
My name is Ellie, and this is my story—a story about a family in crisis, a system that failed to see the bigger picture and the devastating consequences of being unheard and unsupported.
Social work done badly is more harmful than anyone can imagine. It doesn’t just fail to help—it can leave families feeling more broken, more alone, and more overwhelmed than they were before, turning to a system for support only to be judged and let down.
Our experience
My husband and I adopted three siblings, hoping to give them a loving and stable home. However, as the years went on, our family fell into crisis. The strain became unbearable, and eventually, my marriage ended. I became a single parent to three children, each with complex emotional and developmental needs.
I first requested support in 2019. Assessments were completed, but they didn’t lead to meaningful interventions. Then, another crisis hit, and I asked for support again. Over time, the situation continued to escalate. By January 2023, it had reached breaking point. More assessments were carried out, and low-level interventions were offered, but they were not enough. The crisis built again, growing worse.
The Assessments and Findings
Since 2019, the following assessments were completed for my children and me:
• 2 Post-Adoption Assessments
• 2 Educational Psychologist Assessments (2023)
• 2 Psychological Assessments (2020 and 2023)
• 1 Child and Family Assessment
• 1 Updated Child and Family Assessment (2023)
• 1 Court Report (2023)
These assessments painted a detailed picture of our struggles and other observations:
• There were no notes of harm or poor behaviour attributed to me.
• Observations highlighted the children’s high levels of distress and the significant toll on our family dynamic.
• Emotional outbursts from my children, often physical, presented substantial challenges to our home life.
• The children’s needs were described as substantial and complex, requiring approaches beyond any single framework.
• Reports noted my diligence in maintaining relationships at home, ensuring each child felt equally cared for.
• I completed a significant number of parenting and training courses tailored to my children’s needs, many of which I funded privately.
• Positive observations noted my love, warmth, and attentiveness toward my children.
• Concerns were raised about the lack of external support provided to me.
• The reports identified developmental delays, attachment needs, and delayed emotional development in the children.
• Despite the difficulties, my children trusted in my love and support, openly admitting to their behaviours and showing remorse for their actions.
• My parenting strategies, particularly in teaching emotional regulation, were commended as being well-suited to my children’s unique needs.
However, concerns were raised about the long-term impact of my children’s early adversity and the lack of psychological interventions to address their needs.

A Different Judgment
When I asked for support again, our case was transferred to a different team, and a new social worker was allocated. I asked for respite, low-level therapy for the children to build safety and connection with someone outsider of the family, a crisis meeting with the involvement of my own psychotherapist (who I was paying for privately to consider who I could best support my children’s emotional needs), and wider professionals who knew us as a family.
This was all declined.
Within just eight weeks, the new social worker initiated a child protection conference, claiming that I was causing emotional harm to my children.
The Risks Highlighted and the Realities
Risk:
Ellie is fixated on therapy for her children and not engaging with other interventions.
The Reality:
- The social worker ignored my children’s substantial history of physical, emotional abuse and neglect, and their documented need for therapy.
- They overlooked my completion of nine parenting courses aligned with my children’s needs, all of which I paid for privately.
Recommendations like a Family Group Conference were impractical—my parents are in their 80s, one had recently suffered a heart attack, and I had no other support network.
Risk:
‘Ellie says she cannot cope and is being abused by her children’.
The Reality:
- I was physically attacked by two of my children every day.
- Emotional outbursts lasting hours were a daily occurrence.
- I was working full-time with no support.
- I had to intervene numerous times each day to stop my children from hurting each other.
Risk:
‘Ellie is causing harm by asking for respite and wanting to separate the children’.
The Reality:
- For over four years I asked for support and was met with blame instead of help.
- I lived in fear that one of my children would seriously hurt themselves or their siblings.
- Each incident deepened the children’s emotional wounds, adding unhealed adversity.
Risk:
‘The home environment is toxic’.
The Reality:
- It was toxic due to the unhealed trauma of my children.
- It was toxic due to my children’s tricky behaviour and due to their being only one adult to manage and cope with their competing needs.
- Professionals (other than the social worker) acknowledged my efforts and raised concerns about the lack of support I received and the unfair, critical views I faced.
Risk:
‘Ellie is using an authoritarian, consequence-led parenting method’.
The Reality:
- Exhausted, scared, and firefighting every aspect of my life, I had no other options.
- I couldn’t leave the children alone, even for a moment, without risking harm. Sleep was a luxury I was rarely afforded.
- After one child ran away and exhibited aggression daily, their phone was confiscated as a last resort when nothing else worked.
Risk:
‘There are concerns about Ellie’s capacity to change’.
The Reality:
- Over 10 years, I adapted and changed repeatedly, following advice from countless professionals, until I no longer knew which direction to turn.
Risk:
‘Ellie is vocal about her children’s perceived needs, which aren’t witnessed by professionals’.
The Reality:
- The nine assessments completed by six different professionals and input from the seven other professionals at the conference, and the children themselves confirmed the behaviours I described.
- My children admitted to hitting me and expressed shame and remorse afterward.
- I always asked schools to check in with my children after difficult mornings to ensure they felt supported.
Risk:
‘Ellie is alienating the children from their other parent’.
The Reality:
- My children’s other parent left during a family crisis became alcohol-dependent and was physically aggressive with the children, and I was a victim of domestic abuse, as recorded by police.
- Court proceedings, which I funded, resulted in a Child Arrangements Order in my favour. Police records confirmed the domestic abuse.
The Professional’s Views
At the conference, other professionals disagreed with the social worker’s critical views:
- The Independent Reviewing Officer noted the social worker had not reviewed the nine previous assessments or read the case file.
- My efforts to support my children, despite their trauma, were commended.
- The children were observed to be happy at home, their needs were being met through my consistent care.
- Schools praised my positive influence, reflected in how my children presented themselves.
- My active participation in therapeutic parenting sessions and tailored courses was recognized.
- Professionals expressed confidence in my ability to manage with appropriate support.
Concerns for the Future
Despite these acknowledgments, professionals raised serious concerns about the lack of support I received:
- Without intervention, they feared the family’s progress would deteriorate, risking burnout and further crisis.
- The overwhelming burden placed on me was unsustainable.
- Unaddressed sibling conflicts could escalate further.
- My mental health and the children’s well-being were at significant risk.
The Outcome
- No Child Protection Plan.
- No Child in Need Plan.
- No engagement with services.
- An incident left both my child and me injured.
- My children were separated and now no longer live together, for safety.
- I live with one child and miss the other two every minute of every day. The pain, loss and grief have left me broken beyond any pain suffered. If that’s what I feel I hate to think what they feel.
- Our hearts were broken forever.
Complaints were made. None were upheld. My wish was to be strengthened and supported to stay together instead we were crushed and left in pieces.

If you’re in crisis and looking for support, Adoption UK has a free information and support line that will help to signpost you to the right type of support. There are also a number of specialist adoption solicitors who can provide advice in terms of your legal rights if there is a risk of breakdown.