In this article, adoptee Jonathan shares his experience of adoption in the late 1970s, the subsequent breakdown of the relationship with his adoptive parents and finding his birth dad later in life.
My birth history
My birth history isn’t straightforward. I was born when my birth mum was 16; my father was unknown. She gave birth to my half-sister and had another child three years later who stayed with her. My half-sister and I were neglected and ultimately taken into care but were subsequently separated we both got adopted by different parents when I was four years old.
Unfortunately, this wasn’t the last time I was taken into care as it happened again when I was 15. I was picked up from school one day by my adoptive dad who told me he was going to put us in a home for a couple of weeks to give him and my adoptive mum a break. I was supposed to have been a problem child.
I never went back home.
I stayed in the children’s home until I got kicked out when I was 17 as I had a fight with a member of staff. I was then moved into board and lodgings which ended the same way. I rang social services and went into a children’s home for one night. I then moved to foster parents who helped me turn my life around and got me back on the straight and narrow.
Contacting my birth family
When I turned 18 I started to look for my birth mum. I discovered that she lived a few miles away in the next town. Ultimately, I met and got to know her and the rest of the family including my nan, half-sister, aunts and uncles.
As I got to know her I kept asking who my father was. She didn’t want to share who he was but in the end, gave me his name and told me he had died in a car crash a few years after I was born. His name always stuck in my head.
Unfortunately, she constantly lied and turned out to be a very selfish woman. We lost touch as I didn’t want to stay in contact with her. She passed away a few years ago from cancer at the of 65.
I also looked for my half-sister who was adopted by different parents. We’ve managed to build a relationship and still keep in touch.
My adopted family
From being 15 until I was 25, I didn’t speak to my adopted family and not one of them contacted me during those 10 years until I bumped into one of my adopted aunties and we started talking. She asked me if I wanted to see my adopted mum and dad again and so I did.
We kept in touch for a few years and then I fell out with them again and didn’t talk for another three or four years. Eventually, I got back in contact and we started to build a relationship, but it wasn’t the same as too many years had passed. We continued to keep in touch now and then until my adopted mum passed away in 2024. I was with the family when she died. My adopted dad is still alive he’s 93, but I have no strong connection to him or any of them really.
Finding my paternal family
At the age of 55, my wife brought me an ancestry DNA test to see if I could find any information on the paternal side of my family. I had nothing other than the name of my birth father who I’d been told had died in a car crash and I wanted to see if I could find any relatives on his side of the family.
I started this in February 2024 and struggled when my tests came in as I only had connections to second cousins.
Not wanting to leave it there, I looked to see if there was somewhere else I could go for help to find this side of my birth family. I found a Facebook page called “DNA Detectives UK”, who helped for free. I shared the name of my father but I wasn’t sure if his name was correct or true and if my birth mum told me the truth so I wasn’t sure what to expect.
DNA Detectives
At first, his surname didn’t appear in the searches but one day I got a possible lead and suddenly his name appeared in my tree. It was a huge shock as it revealed he wasn’t dead but very much alive. But I still wasn’t 100% sure nor was my DNA detective. I needed someone in my tree to do a DNA test and subsequently, I found out he had four daughters and another son.
I managed to make contact with one of his daughters via Facebook. Initially, I didn’t mention that her dad could be mine too as I didn’t know her family situation. It took a few months for her to finally agree and do a test. When she did, the results came back and it confirmed that she was my half-sister. Initially, she thought I might be her uncle and then I told her the truth that I thought we shared the same dad.
When he found out he was shocked as he didn’t know about me. But it turned into a positive as he wanted to meet me and so did the rest of my sisters and brother. He has welcomed me with open arms, as have the rest of my family. He’s messaged and phoned me every day since. He feels a lot of guilt that I went through all this in my life and that if he’d known about me, he would’ve taken me in. He had a relationship with my mum but didn’t know she was pregnant.
A bright future
We’ve had a big family reunion which makes a happy result. I have made some great new friends with second cousins along this journey. Not all stories like mine end happily, and I’m so grateful that mine has. I want to take this opportunity to thank Andrew Soper as if I hadn’t found his service on Facebook, I probably wouldn’t have the answers I have.
If you’d like support to help you find your birth family, Adoption UK has a range of resources available both online and in person.
Head to the adoption section to read more experiences from adoptees. adopters and birth parents.
