Sleep is such a crucial part of our wellbeing for children and adults. When we’re not getting enough sleep it can impact lots of other areas of our lives from our mood to our physical health and as parents, it can have a huge impact on how we manage and support our children.
When children move from foster care to their adoptive family, sleep can be one of the first things that’s disrupted because of the level of change and stress experienced by your child. They’re moving from a stable and safe environment to something completely unknown with relative strangers. Helping them to feel safe and secure enough to be able to sleep is often the key to them settling and transferring their attachment from their foster carers to their new parents.
This article is written by The Parent Rock Catherine Wasley, a certified holistic sleep coach (OCN Level 6). Catherine has a passion for helping families achieve their sleep goals and with over 30 years of experience working with young families and as a mum of four, she combines extensive knowledge with a compassionate, personalised approach to sleep coaching.
The most overlooked key to better sleep for your child
When it comes to sleep – for both you and your child – there’s one crucial factor that often gets overlooked: calm.
We tend to focus on routines, techniques, or specific sleep methods. But without a foundation of calm, even the best strategies will fall short – maybe not immediately but in time they will unravel.
Sleep is not a fixed achievement – it’s a dynamic process with peaks and troughs. I’ve often seen this play out when parents reach out to me with an older baby or toddler, previously sleep-trained, and are struggling to make sense of why they are suddenly starting to wake frequently at night again or the bedtime routine is stretching out with wake-ups soon after settling.
Parents are quite often led to believe that sleep is something that can be “fixed.” Follow one set sleep strategy and sleep woes are banished forever! But the truth is sleep is fluid and ever-changing, throughout our entire lives.
However, with calm as your foundation, you’ll be in a far better position to take on these inevitable “sleep storms.” Calmness creates the ideal conditions for relaxation, making it easier to drift off and stay asleep.
And when we talk about calm in relation to sleep we’re not just talking about your child. Your calmness matters just as much, actually even more so. Children are incredibly attuned to their caregivers, absorbing emotions like little sponges. When you’re calm, your child is more likely to feel calm too – and calm is the gateway to sleep.
Why calm matters: The science
Learning to calm down is a skill that takes years to develop. The prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain responsible for emotional regulation, continues to grow throughout childhood and doesn’t fully mature until our mid-twenties. So self-soothing is a developmental milestone, not an innate ability. This is where you come in: you’re pivotal in helping your child regulate their emotions and achieve a calm state.
To sleep well, the body must shift from alertness to relaxation. This process engages the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS), often called the “rest and digest” system. The PNS slows the heart rate, relaxes muscles, and sets the stage for restorative sleep. Conversely, the sympathetic nervous system (SNS), responsible for the “fight or flight” response, keeps us alert and on edge. Creating calm activates the PNS and primes your child for sleep.
Practical ways to create calm
Start with yourself
Before addressing your child’s needs, check in with yourself. Are you calm? If not, take a moment to reset. Here are a few ways to ground yourself:
- Hydrate and have a snack: A glass of water and a small, nutritious snack can help stabilise your energy and focus, preparing you to better support your child.
- Pause and breathe: Deep breathing activates your own parasympathetic nervous system, helping you feel calmer almost instantly.
- Adjust your environment: Dim the lights, put on music or a favourite podcast, or simply sit down for a moment.
Slow down
Children quickly pick up on your energy, so moving gently and speaking softly can set the tone for relaxation. Let your movements be deliberate and soothing. Even small gestures, like dropping your shoulders or making soft eye contact, can make a difference.
Use your voice
A quiet, soothing tone can help signal safety and calm. Singing a lullaby, humming, or even speaking gently can reassure your child. Don’t worry about perfection – your little one isn’t judging your singing skills!
Try gentle movements
Gentle, repetitive movements can be incredibly soothing for a little one.
- Swaying or rocking: Slow, rhythmic motions mimic the comforting sensations your baby experienced in the womb, providing familiarity and security. Use a rocking chair, sway on your feet, or even try a baby wrap or carrier for hands-free soothing.
- Patting: A soft, steady pat on their back or bottom can create a calming rhythm. Try syncing the pats to a soothing song or your own breathing for added comfort.
- Holding close: Simply cuddling your baby against your chest can be one of the most powerful ways to calm them. Skin-to-skin contact amplifies the soothing effect, helping regulate your baby’s breathing and heart rate while reinforcing your bond.
These movements not only comfort your child but can also help you feel more connected and grounded during challenging moments.
Create a peaceful environment
im lighting, white noise, or soft music can create a calm atmosphere. A quiet room free of distractions helps both you and your child focus on relaxation.
Lower your expectations
Rather than focusing on getting your child to sleep within a specific timeframe, shift your goal to creating calm. Sleep will follow naturally once both of you are in a relaxed state.
Having a mantra
A phrase you can mutter under your breath can really help when you’re going through a tough patch: ‘This phase will pass – it’s not forever.’ Or: ‘I am all that my little one needs right here, right now.’
Calming techniques for your child
There’s no one-size-fits-all method for soothing a little one. All children have unique preferences, and what works one day might not work the next.
Here’s a “pick-and-mix” of techniques to try:
Shushing: A soft, rhythmic “shhh” mimics the comforting sounds your baby heard in the womb, creating a sense of familiarity. Try varying the volume and tempo to discover what soothes your little one.
Rocking: Gentle motion is a classic way to soothe. Whether you’re rocking your little one in your arms, using a rocking chair, or swaying while standing, this repetitive movement can help your child relax and feel secure. Experiment with the speed and rhythm to see what feels best for both of you.
Swaddling: Wrapping your baby snugly can provide a sense of safety and security, replicating the snug environment of the womb. Just make sure the swaddle is not too tight and your baby can move their legs freely. Once your baby can roll, stop swaddling with their arms inside the fabric.
White noise: A consistent background sound, like white noise, can mask sudden household noises and create a womb-like auditory environment.
Touch: Stroking your child’s back, patting gently in a rhythmic pattern, or placing a reassuring hand on their chest can work wonders to ground and calm them. Physical touch releases oxytocin (the “love hormone” or “bonding hormone”), helping both you and your child feel more connected and at ease.
Using a dummy (pacifier): Sucking is a natural reflex for babies and can be very soothing.
Feeding to sleep: For many babies, feeding – whether breastfeeding or bottle-feeding – is a comforting pre-sleep ritual. If it’s working for your family, don’t worry about creating a “bad habit.” Trust your instincts and do what feels right in the moment.
Sleep support: Staying grounded in chaos
Parenting can feel chaotic, especially during sleepless nights. Here’s how to stay grounded:
- Breathe deeply: Inhale through your nose for four seconds, hold for four, then exhale slowly for four. This simple practice activates your body’s calming response, helping you regain composure.
- Be gentle with yourself: Sleepless nights are tough, and it’s easy to criticise yourself when things don’t go as planned. Remember, you’re doing your best. Focus on the small wins.
- Take mini breaks: When the stress builds, it’s okay to step away. Place your baby in a safe space, like their cot or bassinet, and give yourself a few moments to reset with a drink of water or a march around the room to release tension!
- Get outdoors: Stepping outside, even for a few moments, can help clear your mind. A walk in the morning light not only boosts your mood but also supports your body’s natural sleep rhythms.
- Focus on the present: Bring your attention to small, grounding actions, like holding your child’s hand or smoothing their hair. These simple moments can bring calm to the chaos.
- Establish a routine for yourself: Even small rituals – like enjoying a hot shower, reading for a few minutes, or having a consistent bedtime – can provide a sense of stability in an otherwise unpredictable time.
Calm first, sleep second
The key takeaway? Prioritise calm over sleep. By creating a peaceful state for both you and your child, you remove the pressure and allow sleep to come naturally.
Remember, calmness isn’t a quick fix – it’s an ongoing practice. Some days will be more challenging than others, but just focus on being the best version of calm you can be in the moment. It’s all about progress, not perfection!
When you give calmness that attention, it can make a world of difference for both your child’s sleep – and yours, too!
How The Parent Rock can help
Catherine Wasley, also known as The Parent Rock provides 1:1 sessions with parents, providing gentle and effective strategies tailored to each family’s unique needs. For full details, support and resources, visit her website and grab your free guide to better sleep. You can also follow Catherine on Instagram where she shares tips and advice.
Head to the parenting section to read more articles about sleep and other topics that support parents.
