Becoming a mum, however it happens whether that’s by giving birth or adopting, is a rollercoaster. Our emotions are all over the place in the first few months as we get to grips with keeping another human alive who relies on us for everything from feeding to keeping them clean, safe and warm.
Motherhood changes us and often how we feel about ourselves as we learn to accept that life will never be the same again. As time goes on and returning to work creeps closer, it can be a struggle to prepare ourselves for how that will change our lives again. Some women relish the prospect of getting back to work and a routine. Others dread it.
After my first adoption leave, I was somewhere in the middle. But going back the second time was very different and I was definitely in the second camp. I was completely dreading going back to work and the lack of support I received from my employers only compounded that. I didn’t know how to manage my return in a way that made me feel good and because of the way it was handled at work, I was left feeling completely alone.
Ultimately, those feelings continued and escalated into something much bigger which ultimately led me to feel that I couldn’t continue to work for an organisation that didn’t know how to support those returning from extended leave.
I know now that I’m not alone in how I felt about returning to work. But I wish I’d known it then and that there is help and support out there for mothers returning to work. This article is written by Norma O’Sullivan, a return-to-work coach who is passionate about helping women return to their careers after taking time off to care for their children. In it, she shares an honest account of how becoming a mother made her feel and why she changed the focus of her career to support women at this crucial point in their lives to feel more confident and compassionate about themselves.
Leadership Coaching
So much dis-ease and dysfunction is caused by us hiding who we really are and repressing what we really want. So many of us are just tolerating our lives, putting up with careers that don’t fulfil us and feeling totally disconnected from what we need, let alone asking for it. So many of us are high functioning and successful by societal standards but we are also lonely, highly self-critical and chasing yet another thing to fill the void of ‘not good enough’.
I started my leadership coaching business in late 2021 to support corporate professionals in rediscovering who they really are before the world told them who they should be. I describe this process as finding the way home. I support my clients to self-lead by understanding their strengths, values and passions as well as their limiting beliefs and unhelpful behaviours. I take a therapeutic approach which means the work can feel quite deep, but it enables the client to identify which small changes are needed to bring about a liberating transformation.
Career shifts
I started my career as a commercial solicitor but in 2015, at the age of 29, I left it behind to travel the world. I knew something else was calling me and I needed to finally listen and discover what that was. The journey took me to South America, New Zealand and Australia where I found myself in construction working my way up to project manager over a period of 4 years.
It was during my time in Melbourne that I discovered that high-functioning anxiety was not a personality trait and that it was time to address my long-standing issues of low self-worth. In 2019, I returned to Ireland to pivot into management consulting supporting organisations and their people through change. In March 2020, I moved to the North East of England to be with Jonny, the Geordie love of my life!
In September 2021, I became self-employed using what I have learnt about leadership, career change, self-love and purpose to serve my clients, either on a 1:1 basis or within organisations as part of my leadership development programmes.
Becoming a mum
In late 2022, I gave birth to our baby girl Órlaith (pronounced Orr-lah!) at 37. I had a very healthy, happy pregnancy and I was very much looking forward to having a child. However, I was unsure about what becoming a mother would feel like and I was definitely anxious about what would happen to my business once the baby arrived.
When she arrived, I struggled to relax into motherhood. Whether you are a new biological or non-biological parent, there are a lot of expectations to feel instantly in love and grateful. As a recovering high achiever and perfectionist, my identity and worth were very dependent on ongoing productivity and ‘success’.
I didn’t immediately identify as a mother and I craved getting back to my business and busy-ness as this was my safe place. Despite the amount of change I have had in my life, I only realised later that I still struggle with being new at a job! Becoming a parent was another new job and I learned the hard way that I would have to grieve the life I had before Órlaith before I could successfully transition into parenthood.
The early days
For the first six months or maybe longer, I was in denial that anything had changed and that I could continue with my old highly independent patterns. This baby was just going to fit in around my schedule and I didn’t need much help. I was angry about the mom guilt that appeared out of nowhere – I thought This isn’t my guilt? Who put this here??’
I was resentful that things now seemed 1950s-style unequal with my partner ‘Why does his life seem so unaltered and I feel like a bomb has hit mine and I am shell shocked?’. There were times I wondered if we had a mistake. Maybe I could just run away and leave them? I cried a LOT.
I missed my individuality, my independence, and my business. I was met with various direct or indirect messages that I was not the priority now and lots of clichés about loving her ‘to the moon and back’ and how much you have to give up when you become a parent. I resented the terms ‘mommy brain’ and ‘it’s just the hormones’ as it trivialised what I was finding to be, an existentially terrifying experience.
No one was talking about matrescence – the physical, emotional, hormonal and social transition to becoming a mother. About how your brain irreversibly changes when you become a caregiver. When I look back, I would have loved to have had more emotional preparation for becoming a parent and to have had more self-compassion to more gently navigate being new in this role.
I was very open with people about my struggles once I was able to articulate them, but I know so many parents just smile and pretend everything is fine, especially when it comes to returning to work. This is where the idea for running a return-to-work programme came from.
Returning to work after extended leave
While I didn’t feel like I had any answers to offer working parents yet, I knew that I could help normalise having more honest conversations so people wouldn’t feel as alone and ashamed if their experiences didn’t match up to what they expected.
I knew I could create a space between home and work, where women could come to breathe and reset. Where we could talk openly about our experiences of becoming a mother and grieve the version of us that went before. Where we could identify our strengths and values and gain a renewed sense of self in this new chapter. Where we could foster a community of like-minded women and regain our confidence after matrescence and assertively advocate for what we need as working parents. Where through increased confidence and community, we can curb the amount of women leaving the workforce because their organisations won’t support their new needs.
Becoming a parent through adoption brings its own unique challenges, in particular when it comes to inflexible work arrangements for adoptive parents and poor awareness of the emotional stress that can come with the process. I am currently undertaking a parental transition coaching qualification to enhance my skills in supporting all parents through this significant time of their lives.
How I can help
Whether you are preparing to return to work, recently returned or returned a while and feeling like you can’t stay, please consider working with a coach to support you. All mothers deserve more support. You are most welcome to join my return to work women’s circle to increase your self-confidence, self-compassion and self-leadership.
It’s a six-month coaching and mentoring programme with 90-minute sessions online every three weeks. Each cohort is for up to 10 women from any industry, career type and experience level with the common theme being the return to work after extended leave and enrollments are now open for the next cohort starting in January 2025.
If you’d like to get all of the information about the programme or have a chat about it, send me an email or connect with me on Linkedin.
Head to the parenting section to read more articles that provide help and support for parents and carers.
