What Helps Adoptive Parents Stay Resilient?

Written by Chris Gaidhu-Withell, adoptive parent, NHS professional and independent researcher

When we begin the adoption journey, there is understandably a lot of conversation about the challenges that may lie ahead. Prospective adopters are encouraged to learn about trauma, attachment, therapeutic parenting, education and mental health. We spend our time reflecting on our own childhoods, what our parenting styles might look like and how our past experiences shape the way we parent.

All of this preparation is incredibly valuable, and rightly so. But as an adoptive dad, I found myself wondering something different recently.

What helps adoptive parents keep going?

What enables us to keep showing up on the difficult days? What helps us adapt when life doesn’t quite go to plan? And what helps us remain resilient, not just for our children but for ourselves as well?

Those questions became the focus of my MSc Psychology research project. Rather than exploring what makes adoptive parenting difficult, I wanted to take a strengths-based approach and understand what helps adoptive parents adapt, cope and remain resilient.

More than 80 adoptive parents generously gave their time to complete my questionnaire, helping me explore whether optimism, self-compassion and perceived social support were associated with resilience. 

My research findings

So, what did I find?

The clearest finding from the study was that feeling supported by others was the strongest factor associated with resilience.

Although optimism was linked with resilience, it no longer made a unique contribution once other factors were taken into account. Self-compassion also did not emerge as a significant predictor in this study. What stood out most was the importance of perceived social support.

That phrase – perceived social support – is important. It isn’t simply about how many people are around you or how often someone offers help. It’s about whether you genuinely feel that support is available to you when you need it. Do you have someone who listens without judgement? Someone who understands adoption? Someone you trust enough to ask for help?

For many adoptive parents, that support may come from another adoptive family, an understanding friend, a supportive partner, a trusted social worker, or a therapist. The research suggests that is the quality of those relationships, rather than the quantity, that matters.

Resilience for adopters

Perhaps the most important message from this research is that resilience is not simply a personality trait.

We sometimes talk about resilience as though some people naturally have it while others do not. My findings suggest something different. Resilience may be something that grows within supportive relationships and environments. That is an encouraging message because it means resilience is not something adoptive parents have to build entirely on their own.

When parents feel understood, listened to and supported, they may be better able to navigate the inevitable challenges that adoption can bring. Support does not remove those challenges, but it can make them feel more manageable.

Why is this particularly relevant for adoptive families?

Adoptive parenting often involves experiences that many other families may never encounter. Parents may be supporting children who have experienced trauma, loss, disrupted attachments or early adversity. They may be navigating complex education systems, waiting for specialist services or advocating for support over many years.

These experiences can sometimes feel isolating, particularly when friends or relatives do not fully understand the realities of trauma-informed parenting.

The findings from this research suggest that helping adoptive parents build and maintain meaningful support networks may be just as important as focusing on the needs of the child. When parents feel supported themselves, they may be better placed to continue providing the stability, patience and emotional availability that their children need.

What might this mean for professionals?

The findings also offer something for professionals to reflect on.

Much of the support available to adoptive families quite rightly focuses on children. However, this research suggests there is value in also considering the wellbeing of parents themselves.

Simple questions such as:

• Do these parents feel supported?
• Do they have someone they can turn to?
• Are they connected with other adoptive families?

May be just as important as discussing practical interventions. Supporting parents is not separate from supporting children. The two are closely connected.

Thank you

Finally, I’d like to say thank you to everyone who took part in this research. Without your willingness to share your experiences, this project wouldn’t have been possible. I hope these findings continue the conversation about how we can better support adoptive parents – not just through our children’s journeys, but through our own as well.

Making resilience flourish

One of the biggest things I took away from this research is that resilience doesn’t have to mean coping alone. Something I really believed; in fact, the opposite may be true. The strongest message from the study is that resilience appears to flourish when parents feel supported, understood and connected. If these findings encourage even one adoptive parent to reach out for support – or remind professionals of the importance of supporting parents as well as children – then I hope this research has achieved something worthwhile.

FAQs about resilience for adopters

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