The theme for this year’s National Adoption Week is “The Journey” which aims to highlight the different and unique ways families are created through adoption. It’s been great to see adoption talked about so much with people sharing their journeys and talking about the rollercoaster of a ride becoming a parent this way is.
When we started thinking about adopting, I struggled to find books and articles about the process and what it was really like. Ultimately it led me to write my own book An Adopter’s Guide to Adoption, and then launch this magazine.
It’s been lovely this week to see how much things have improved in the last 10 years or so with adopters taking to their notebooks and laptops writing books and resources to help anyone thinking about adopting, understand what the process is really like. With over 80,000 children currently in the care system, and around 2000 waiting to be adopted, it’s so important that we have open conversations about all aspects of the process.
Not a Fictional Mum
If you’re part of the #ukadoptioncommunity on Instagram, you’ll probably have come across the wonderful Not a Fictional Mum. She’s a proud advocate for adoption and has campaigned for change, taking a petition to Parliament to ask that self-employed adopters get the same rights as birth parents when it comes to financial support from the government for the early days of placement.
She’s created an inclusive clothing brand selling beautiful clothing and accessories that celebrate families and the many different ways they’re created. Her Christmas Elf on a Shelf antics keep many of us entertained and has no doubt given some of us ideas as to what to do with those pesky elves when we wake up in a cold sweat at 2 am and remember we’ve forgotten to move them.
And she’s written a book.
What Makes a Mum?
“What Makes a Mum?” is a personal account of NFM’s long and bumpy road to motherhood. She shares snippets of her relationship with her mum, being a teenager in foster care and the shattering experience of infertility before jumping onto the adoption rollercoaster.
Many parts of this book felt like NFM had put into words the exact feelings and emotions I felt firstly when we were deep in the trenches of infertility with no hope of finding a way out, and then when we chose adoption as the way we created our family.
One of the things that struck a chord with me was the way she described the advice given by her GP in terms of options when you haven’t got pregnant naturally. For many of the 1 in 7 heterosexual couples who experience infertility, there’s a medical reason why pregnancy doesn’t happen naturally. But just because it’s a medical “problem” doesn’t mean the only next step is a medical one.
Reading how NFM felt swept up in the medical system is exactly how I, and no doubt many other women feel when they’re told there’s a chance they could have a birth child. At no stage did my GP talk me through all of the routes to parenthood, or the statistics around the success or otherwise of fertility treatment. My GP only focused on treatment once it became clear it wasn’t going to happen naturally for us.
Swept into the system
I felt like we were put on a conveyor belt once we were identified as being 1 of the 7. The system is set up to attract people who are at their most vulnerable, desperate to become parents, and put them on the treatment conveyor belt because if there’s a chance you could have a birth child, surely you have to take it. NFM shares how she and her husband were swept into that system and once they were on it, felt like they couldn’t get off.
That’s definitely an area that needs to change and books like this are the first step in raising awareness and showing people that there are other routes to parenthood.
Her account of the adoption assessment is also absolutely bang on. It’s the kind of thing that unless you’ve been through it, you just can’t imagine what it’s like. At the start of the process, you basically have to bundle up your hopes and dreams about becoming a parent, give them to your social worker, and trust that they will keep them safe. You have to bare your soul and talk about every minutiae of your life from how many relationships you’ve had to whether you’re using contraception (yes, even if you’re infertile) and how much you spend on getting your hair cut.
But that’s the way it needs to be because the children who are waiting to be adopted have already been through so much. They’ve experienced trauma, have often been let down by the people who should be protecting them and keeping them safe, and deserve the opportunity to have a safe and happy childhood.
What Makes a Mum? A book every adult should read
“What Makes a Mum?” is a book that every adult will benefit from reading. It raises awareness around so many issues that many of us will come into contact with over our lives, whether that’s fractured relationships with our parents, being swept into a system that needs to improve the care and support it gives those using it, and finding a route to parenthood.
Parts of the book resonated with me a lot and will no doubt echo how a lot of other women felt and are feeling as they struggle with infertility. It helps to know that you’re not alone in how you feel and this book feels like a gentle arm around your shoulder in parts and a knowing nod to acknowledge just how isolating and soul-destroying infertility is for those going through it.
The book is more than just an incredibly honest account of NFM’s story from fostered to adopter. It is definitely a manifesto for change and one that politicians and other decision-makers would do well to read to give them an insight into why services need to be improved and support given on an equal footing.
Some of the key questions she asks are “When will the childcare system become a government priority? When will society show the system matters enough for the government to make it a priority.” And they need answering because it’s been underfunded and running on fresh air and the dedication of those who work in it, for far too long.
A rollercoaster of emotions
I don’t think I’ve ever read a book that’s moved me to tears, had me laughing out loud, nodding in agreement and made me angry at “the system” for not doing what it should to support the most vulnerable children in our society. It’s brilliant.
You can buy “What Makes a Mum” from the publishers Unbound and other retailers such as Amazon* and Hive.
I was kindly gifted a copy of the book so that I could review it. Head to the book review section to find out about other books about adoption and well-being.
*This is an affiliate link which means I am paid a fee from Amazon if you click on it and buy the book.