ADOPTION AND PARENTING MAGAZINE

Adoption journey: Interview with Ashleigh

Ashleigh and her partner's adoption journey. Three cuddly toys tucker up in a blanket in bed

The next interview sharing adoption journeys is with Ashleigh. She tells us about her and her partner’s experience of the process and bringing their daughter home.

Introduce yourself and your family

Hi, my name is Ashleigh. Myself and my partner have a 22-month-old daughter who came to us via adoption. We’re both in our 30s and live in the North East of England.

Tell us a bit about your adoption journey

We started our journey in December 2022 when we attended an information evening with our local authority. We had our first meeting with our social worker in January 2023 and registered our interest.

Stage One was completed by May ’23 – it took longer than expected due to delays with the DBS check and the medical review. We completed Stage Two in August ’23 and were officially approved in September ’23. Our little girl came home to us in October 2023 so it’s nearly our 1 year familyversary!

How did matching work?

We’d been given access to Linkmaker towards the end of Stage Two and had read many profiles including the one of our daughter. We’d also attended an activity day and we registered interest in a child. However, we weren’t able to take this any further as we were still awaiting approval. Due to that experience, we read Linkmaker but didn’t register any more interest believing there was no point getting our hopes up again until we were approved.

Our daughter’s profile didn’t JUMP out at us and we didn’t pay much attention to it, to be honest. Her profile was written when she was three months old and she was nine months old when we were approved. We found most of the profiles were outdated so asked our social worker to send us information instead.

We were sent around four profiles before our daughter’s. It was a slightly updated one from the one on Linkmaker and we read it at least 20 times. My partner and I had decided during the process we’d ask ourselves why not this child rather than why this child, and we couldn’t think of one reason why we shouldn’t be her parents. We weren’t sure… but I don’t know how you can ever be until you can meet them in person and live together!

We told our social worker that we’d like to register our interest and she arranged for us to meet the child’s social worker that week. The next day we were linked and a few days later we were given a matching panel date of Jan ’24. Whilst it was three months away, it meant we could start getting her room ready for her and give our notice to work which was good.

Change of plan

The day after that, we received a phone call telling us that the foster carers were going on holiday and that our daughter would be moving to another placement. The local authority wanted to avoid an additional move and as we were approved for early permanence (EP) as well as standard adoption, they wanted us to bring her home in just over two weeks.

There was more to consider but she was a slight exception to the usual EP placement as she already had her Placement Order and had just had her final contact with her birth family. The only thing that really concerned us was having to navigate fostering regulations for a period of time. Things like needing permission for a night away, needing permission and a police check for a babysitter, weekly social worker visits and being referred to by our names until the match was made.

But these were small issues and we said yes. She was 10 months old.

Adoption journey of Ashleigh and her partner. Baby 's legs and feet sticking out of a blanket.
Image by Frauke Riether from Pixabay

Introductions

Introductions started within the week. There was a slight gap between the call and the introductions because we had to wait for the agency’s decision-maker’s (ADM) approval of the EP match. It ended up being last minute and approval was received on the day we met her.

During the introduction time and the transition, we had to do a lot of meetings! These included life appreciation day where you meet with all professionals involved in your child’s life, and meetings with the medical advisor which otherwise would have been pre-placement.

We were matched at Panel in Jan ’24 as a standard adoption placement and the social worker visits decreased to monthly. Our first court hearing was March ’24. Our daughter’s birth family requested leave to appeal but that was denied at the second hearing in May ’24. Her adoption order was granted in July ’24 and we attended her celebration hearing in Aug ’24.

What was your biggest source of support during your journey through the assessment and matching?

The biggest sources of support to us during the process were:

  • The people we met on the training courses. They understood everything because they were in the same process with the same agency. We made friends for life there.
  • Facebook groups for adoptive parents. Again they understand as they’re in or have been in the same boat!
  • Our parents. They may not have known much about the process beforehand but they know allll about it now and were almost as happy as we were when the adoption order was granted in July ’24.

What were introductions/transitions like? Do you keep in touch with foster carers now?

Introductions were weird!! It is so odd spending time in a stranger’s home and every hour feels like three. We were feeling so much pressure to be a perfect parent, to be liked by them and our child, to do everything right… What do we do when she naps or when we’re hungry or thirsty?! If she just cries at us?

Our little girl’s foster carer was amazing though. She did her best to help us relax and feel at home in her home and we were welcomed by her extended family too. We started with a short visit and built up to a full day there before switching and welcoming them to our home for a short visit before building up to a full day alone with our daughter.

On homecoming day we were all very emotional. I felt like I was taking my daughter away from everything she knew and loved. Her foster carer was crying but she said it was happy tears and the reason she does her job is to see this happen.

We’ve met up a couple of times since placement and text often. In the first few weeks, we were able to ask her questions about likes/dislikes and things we’d forgotten about during intros. We send her photos of special things like her 1st birthday, our holiday and a video of our daughter’s first steps. Our daughter’s foster carer is important to us as she is an extended family member of our daughter. That’s how we see it. She cared for her for most of her life before us.

Have you needed post-adoption support since your child came home? If so, did you get the support you needed? Was it timely or were there waiting lists?

We have not needed post-adoption support but our social worker has checked in a few times which we think is lovely.

What’s been the hardest part of your journey?

The hardest part is waiting. Waiting for a response from social workers; waiting for DBS; waiting for medical; waiting for PAR completion; waiting for panel; waiting for the ADM, waiting for a match, waiting for a call, waiting for court, waiting for paperwork and waiting for certificates! A whole lot of waiting!

I think we were approved and matched pretty quickly with placement just 10 months from the information event, but it feels like an eternity when you’ve made the decision to adopt and want a child so badly. My goodness it was worth all that waiting though and I’d do it all 1000 times over for her.

Reading profiles of children and saying no is so hard. I really struggled with it. I felt guilty about it at the time but you have to be realistic about what your abilities are and what is best for the children.

The best part?

There are so many best parts.

We have made lifelong friends that we otherwise would not have crossed paths with.

We really enjoyed reading our PAR – it’s lovely to have a document all about you and your life/relationship.

Our daughter. Undoubtedly the best thing that has ever happened to us. From the moment we saw her in the foster carer’s home smiling up at us, we knew we were supposed to be her parents. She has turned our lives upside down in the most wonderful way. She makes us smile every day and we are so proud of her. The day she was born is the day we attended our information event. If that’s not a sign we were meant to be then I don’t know what is.

What advice would you give yourself knowing what you do now, if you were just starting your adoption journey?

Trust the process. Be yourself because you’re good enough. What’s meant for you will not pass you by.

Adoption journey of Ashleigh and her partner. Baby's crossed hands holding a yellow toy.
Image by Leslie Eckert from Pixabay

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