Navigating separation and divorce after adoption

Written by Emma Post

This is a collaborative post.

NE Family Law is a boutique law firm based in Richmond Upon Thames, but we support individuals and families nationally.   

I’m separating from my partner/spouse: What do I do next?

If you find yourself making the decision to separate, or if you have separated, or made a decision to divorce, you may be thinking about where to start and what to do next.

There will be lots of things to think about.  Over a series of 3 blogs, we are going to share

• our top tips when if you are separating / going through a divorce
• how to prioritise and support your adopted children through separation
• how family mediation can help you make decisions

There are a number of emotional, practical and legal considerations in the early stages of your separation.  Here are our insights and tops tips:

Be Kind to yourself

The breakdown of a relationship is akin to bereavement.  When you separate, you will find yourself within the stages of the Grief Cycle: denial/shock, anger, bargaining, depression/sadness and finally, acceptance. You may not feel them in order, you may bounce between them, and it will take time to process what is happening and feel in control of your emotions.  It’s important to be kind to yourself and put your own oxygen mask on first.

You may have made the decision to separate, or be coming to terms with your partner making the decision, and so you may find yourself in different stages of the cycle at different times.  Managing those conflicting emotions can be difficult.  Think about:

– how you are feeling emotionally;

– what support you might need and what will work best for you – whether that’s talking to trusted friends and family, seeking support from a therapist or a divorce consultant. 

– consider setting some boundaries to allow each other the space you need to process what is happening, before deciding on the next steps

You may also need to think about how you will communicate effectively during this time to help keep conflict to a minimum.

Keep your children front and centre

The importance of putting your children first and centre of your decision making can not be understated. Telling them about the separation will be one of the hardest things you have to do.  Whilst this shouldn’t be rushed, try also to do it as soon as you have decided the separation will be permanent. 

Research shows that children of separated parents wish they were told sooner, they knew something was wrong despite their parent’s best efforts to shield them. For adopted children, managing this and providing reassurance is extremely important.

Try to agree on what your children will be told, keep information age-appropriate and without blame.  Be prepared for their questions, and give them lots of reassurance.  You don’t need to worry about having all the answers immediately.  However difficult things are and however strained your relationship with your ex is, the information given to your children, what they see and hear, really does matter.

Children need to know that, however different life is going to be, their parents are doing their best to work together. There are a wealth of resources available to help you reach an agreement and navigate parenting apart.

Our second blog in this series will discuss supporting your adopted children during separation in much more detail.  

Separation and divorce after adoption: Early Legal Advice

Don’t place pressure on yourself or your ex to make any immediate decisions.

You will have lots of questions:

• How do we support our children? 
• Will the children be able to stay in their current schools? The area we live?
• Will I be able to stay in the family home?
• How will we manage financially?
• Will my ex financially support me?  What financial support will I need to provide? For how long? How much?
• What will their care arrangements look like?

Early legal advice from a specialist family solicitor will equip you with the information/knowledge you need to make decisions that will best work for you and your family and ensure you have the right legal information and support in place.

You should leave any first meeting with a solicitor with a clear understanding of:

• the process options available to you to help you reach agreements;
• the legal landscape;
• what information and documents should be shared between you to ensure you both have a clear financial picture;
• how your finances could be resolved to help you meet your future needs.
• how to approach agreeing the future arrangements for your children and what that might look like in your specific circumstances;
• your legal options if you are concerned about your safety or the safety/wellbeing of your children;
•  access to other professionals to support and advise you.

Early legal advice means you aren’t second-guessing, and you have the stepping stones to help you navigate your way through what will be a difficult time.

Finally, don’t rush. 

Take the time you need to find your feet and process what is happening.

NE Family Law provides specialist advice and support in all areas of family law.  Both Emma and Nicki are members of Resolution committed to promoting a constructive approach to family issues that considers the whole family.  Emma is an Accredited Resolution Specialist, a Resolution trained ‘all issues’ Mediator, also qualified to offer Hybrid Mediation. We are always happy to have an initial call to see how we might be able to assist you and to offer options for taking those next steps.  

You can contact us via our website, giving us a call or drop us an email

Our Team, Supporting You.

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