Written by Emma Post
This is a collaborative post
NE Family Law is a boutique firm based in Richmond Upon, but we support individuals and families nationally
Supporting your children through divorce and separation
In our second blog of this 3-part series, we are going to focus on supporting your adopted children through divorce and separation. The first in the series is Navigating separation and divorce after adoption.
When parents separate, new arrangements about the children’s care and welfare need to be considered. You are human, and this is hard. You will have feelings of guilt, and no one gets it 100% right. Despite these emotional complexities, the law concerning adopted children in divorce is clear; in all but rare cases, the adoption is permanent, and the law makes no distinction between biological and adopted children.
Telling your children about your separation
Without doubt, this is likely to be one of the hardest things you will do, and you will probably want to put it off as long as you can or until there is a ‘plan’ or a way forward.
In most circumstances, it takes time to work out that plan or what the future looks like, so it can be beneficial to tell your children something rather than holding off until there is more certainty. Whilst you will need to be prepared for questions, you don’t need to have all the answers.
This first conversation will set the path, and there will be many more to come as life is reorganised and longer-term arrangements are put in place. You want to alleviate any anxiety or worries as much as you can, for adopted children who are likely to have more challenging circumstances and backgrounds, these changes can be particularly difficult and bring up feelings from past experiences.
What to say to your children
Depending on the ages of your children:
- Try and speak to them together, be mindful of not only what you say but also your body language;
- Try to agree with your ex on the scope of the information that will be shared, keep it neutral, without blame. Think about how you will phrase what you will tell them and plan what you will say;
- Keep your initial conversation short & age appropriate;
- Their reactions to the information they are told will depend on their past experiences, age and understanding, including their emotional resilience and needs;
- Offer reassurances – they need to know that no matter what life is going to look like, they are your priority, they are loved, and you are there for them;
- Acknowledge their feelings and reassure them that it’s ok to feel sad/unsure/scared and that you are there to answer questions when they are ready;
- Try and maintain their routines as best as possible so they have normality and consistency as much as possible during these early weeks and months
Separating after adoption
When adoptive parents decide to separate, the emotional terrain can be especially complex. You are not only navigating the end of your own relationship but also holding the responsibility of safeguarding a child who may already have a history of loss or instability.
It’s a moment that calls for courage, compassion, and careful attention to the needs of your child and yourselves. There may be added layers of guilt, grief or insecurity. If your child’s adoption story includes themes of loss and trauma, be attentive to this. Separation may stir up fears of abandonment and can be very destabilising, so reassurances about your commitment to them, reinforcing security and stability, will be particularly important.
Listen to what they have to say
Listening and hearing what your children have to say when you talk about these issues will be hard. Reactions may differ between siblings. Their verbal and non-verbal cues, whilst they figure it all out, are a really important part of you being present and supporting them through this journey. You might not always be ready for what they have to say, so it will be important to manage this as best you can – try to stay calm, be curious as to their questions, don’t interrupt, and acknowledge and repeat what they have said to you so they know you have heard them. All easier said than done. If you need time to think or reflect, tell them that, but don’t forget to come back to them.
Parenting through divorce: Starting the co-parenting journey
Think about how best to manage the communication between you as parents moving forward, and try to decide how this might best work for you – in person, email, with the help of a third party or perhaps a parenting app.
You will need to find a way of communicating and co-parenting, and exploring the best way for you to continue to do this in the short, medium and long term. The dynamic between you will have changed, your views on what co-parenting looks like might be very different and it’s going to take time to navigate.
Give each other space to think, put in place some early ground rules between you about when, where and how you will discuss the arrangements for your children. For instance, conversations at home (if you are still living under the same roof) at the start or end of the day are generally difficult to manage and are when emotions run high. It’s best not to catch each other off guard, so plan to speak and what to speak about. Keep conversations short and don’t try to cover too much. Take it one step at a time.
Don’t be afraid to ask for support along the way
Think about sharing with your child’s nursery, pre-school or school what is happening at home. They are able to offer an invaluable watchful eye and practical and emotional support to children of all ages. It can also be particularly prudent if your child has educational needs, there is high conflict, or there are safeguarding concerns.
If your child is close to a particular Grandparent, family friend, Godparent or other trusted adult, share with them what is happening and see if they can ‘check in’ with your child and offer them a space to talk. This can be particularly beneficial for older children.
Consider seeking professional support if you need to. This could be a therapist (including one who specialises in adoption), parenting coach, counsellor, support groups or online communities.
What if you can’t agree?
Sometimes, despite best intentions, some parents are unable to agree. If you have been unable to reach agreement between yourselves, then you can consider Meditation and other out-of-court dispute resolution options. In our third and final blog, we will focus on mediation.
Useful Resources
There are many helpful resources for parents navigating separation. We have a list of resources with links available and are more than happy to share this. Please feel free to drop us an email if you wish us to send these to you.
NE Family Law provides specialist advice and support in all areas of family law. Both Emma and Nicki are members of Resolution committed to promoting a constructive approach to family issues that considers the whole family. Emma is an Accredited Resolution Specialist, a Resolution trained ‘all issues’ Mediator, also qualified to offer Hybrid Mediation. We are always happy to have an initial call to see how we might be able to assist you and to offer options for taking those next steps.
You can contact us via our website, giving us a call or drop us an email
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